Can Emotional Intelligence Predict Relationship Success?

As a kid I remember taking all kinds of IQ tests. Some of them were pretty annoying, like the pattern recognition ones. I think those ones kept me out of shop classes. Maybe they thought I would hurt myself or something. Others probably got me into AP classes where I had to work harder for the same grades. Whatever.

These days more and more attention is being paid to the concept of emotional intelligence as a predictor of success in certain areas of life. The business world has used it to determine who will make a good employee or associate. The same criteria might be helpful in determining the probability of success in marriage as well.

Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups.

One model (the ability model) posits that there are four abilities connected with EI:

1. Perceiving emotions – the ability to detect and decipher emotions in faces, pictures, voices, and cultural artifacts—including the ability to identify one's own emotions. Perceiving emotions represents a basic aspect of emotional intelligence, as it makes all other processing of emotional information possible.                                                                                         
2. Using emotions – the ability to harness emotions to facilitate various cognitive activities, such as thinking and problem solving. The emotionally intelligent person can capitalize fully upon his or her changing moods in order to best fit the task at hand.
3. Understanding emotions – the ability to comprehend emotion language and to appreciate complicated relationships among emotions. For example, understanding emotions encompasses the ability to be sensitive to slight variations between emotions, and the ability to recognize and describe how emotions evolve over time.
4. Managing emotions – the ability to regulate emotions in both ourselves and in others. Therefore, the emotionally intelligent person can harness emotions, even negative ones, and manage them to achieve intended goals. 

Psychologist and author Daniel Goleman’s model has five constructs: 

• Self-awareness -- the ability to know one's emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drives, values and goals and recognize their impact on others while using gut feelings to guide decisions.

• Self-regulation -- involves controlling or redirecting one's disruptive emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances.

• Social skill -- managing relationships to move people in the desired direction

• Empathy - considering other people's feelings especially when making decisions and

• Motivation - being driven to achieve for the sake of achievement. 

It would seem that the higher the emotional intelligence you have, the more likely you would be able to make positive adjustments within a relationship. Some researchers suggest that it is possible to increase our EI and therefore become more successful (skill building). Nan and I would tend to agree with that assessment since we have worked with many couples who have been able to change their behaviors towards each other, increasing their listening and empathy skills, and curbing their critical communications.

If you would like to take a simple EI assessment, a free one can be found at: https://ihhp.com/free-eq-quiz/

If you are brave enough, post your results in the comment box --

Thanks to Wikipedia for some of the content.

Xtreme Feelings

One of the things I like working as a counselor is the ongoing learning that I experience. Not just from books and seminars, but from the process itself, discovering things together with clients as the sessions unfold. Anyone who knows me knows how much I like and rely on my whiteboard. The above whiteboard illustration came during one of these sessions.

We were talking about how extreme feelings produce extreme reactions and usually extremely bad results.  

And often those feelings produce an intense sense of urgency – as if something must be done RIGHT NOW. But urgency causes us to overreact instead of proceeding in a more appropriate and godly manner.

When extreme feelings tempt us we must immediately back away. We are in a relational danger zone and only distance will protect us from potential destruction. In the above mentioned session, I suggested the client should look for alternate explanations when the intense feelings hit rather than accept the first and most feared one. A light came on for the client. He said that in the field of systems analysis and critical thinking, it is called looking for a rival hypothesis. And the solution, he said, is to search for confirming or disconfirming evidence before making a decision or taking action. Wow.

What it requires is slowing down the response and knowing that truth will come in time.

When our emotions get hijacked and the feeling of urgency presses on us, we must assess whether there really is an imminent threat or danger that must be dealt with quickly. In most relationships the answer to that question is almost always “No!” Usually it is a miscommunication or a misinterpretation. I never have bad intentions toward Nan and she never has bad intentions towards me.

So what do Nan and I do when we hit one of those intense rough spots? We get away and calm ourselves down first. We never bring heated anger to the table – never. Then, stripped of blame, we spend time clarifying the issue and if needed, we both own and apologize for our part of the conflict. Clarifying means being willing to listen more than talk. If both people will do that the crisis will pass quickly. Most of our conflicts these days last five minutes or so once we come to the table.

I know some of you are saying “But that seems so hard in the moment.”

Yes, it really is difficult. Much of what is worthwhile in life comes with a price. There is no way to sugar coat it. You must act differently than you feel, because of the benefit that will follow. The rewards are relational harmony and spiritual righteousness. 

Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Bitterness

There are times as a counselor when I feel a deep sadness along with a large dollop of frustration. I expect to feel sad as I hear of people’s pain. It is just plain hard to listen to the results of sin, regret, and/or natural or unfortunate circumstances in the lives of people.

But my frustration comes when progress is blocked by a client tenaciously holding on to something of a destructive nature that yields no possible benefit.

Bitterness is one of these with disastrous relational results.

Bitterness separates parents from children, husbands from wives, and congregants from churches. It can rip close friends apart from one another leaving both lonely and dissatisfied. Why would we hold on to such a destructive force as cold resentment when we are quite aware of how it hurts us and others?    

The answer is not very pretty: It is power that can be used to control or punish others and justify our bad behavior. I give myself permission to withhold love and approval. I build a fortress of protection from relational risk. But I am also out of the will of God.

There are times when it is appropriate to set boundaries with people in order to stop or prevent damage. But these boundaries must be set with love with a goal towards restoration if possible. How can we move towards reconciliation if our heart is cold and hard?

In bitterness spouses will withhold conversation, friendliness,  or sex. Or they will communicate only in anger, sarcasm or irritability, needlessly maintaining walls of separation. The results are a loveless or shallow marriage. Children will become rebellious and disrespectful and parents will deny the nurturance that all sons and daughters need to become healthy adults.

The Bible says that forgiveness (as opposed to reconciliation) is not an option. And the truth is that often we are the only one that suffers as our heart shuts down. The ability to forgive is both an act of the will and an act of obedience. It is also a supernatural occurrence because the truth is that I rarely feel the strength or the inclination. Can I really utter the words “not my will but thy will be done” in my humanness?

It is with love that I write these words because my joy is in seeing reconciliation and restoration in the lives of people I care about. It is always difficult to be the one who takes a risk and makes a first move. Often that first move is internal, allowing God to work on our hearts. It is a surrender to love that far surpasses our ability to comprehend it. Only God can effectively remove our bitterroot judgments. And only with our cooperation will He do that.

Eph 4:31-32 (NLT) Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Feeling Too Much – Feeling Too Little

 

During one of our counseling sessions the other day Nan made a comment. “We are always encouraging people to express their ‘feelings’, but maybe we need to ask some people to express their feelings less.” I knew what she meant.

Some people are not in touch with their feelings and they minimize or discount them. Those are the people that need to consider the relevance of understanding their feelings. Underlying feelings are still active even if we don’t acknowledge them. They have just been suppressed. Those feelings will automatically direct our behavior, only we won’t fully understand what is happening in the moment.

And unaddressed feelings will often steer us in the wrong direction.

Being overly consumed by our feelings are a liability too. We can believe that our feelings are accurate because they are so intense and ever-present. And that can end up in overreactions that do damage to relationships. We may overrule reality even though our feelings make no rational sense.

The concept of emotional dysregulation is usually attributed to conditions of overreacting and over emoting. But those who suppress feelings may also be dysregulated because they underreact. Properly regulated emotions are proportional to a stimulus or event. Dysregulated people often turn to maladaptive coping mechanisms which cause them additional pain.

I have seen women scream when they see a tiny spider. And I have know men who stand unaffected when witnessing a violent attack. Both are dysregulated.

Why Is This Important?

The ability to effectively deal with reality is based on the accurate interpretation of events. The over-reactor adds content that is not present, but only feared or imagined. The under-reactor subtracts content that is present and relevant, but not desired by them. Both are not prepared to manage life circumstances. Too much or too little is usually a result of learned behavior from past history. It could be the result of deep wounds, or mimicking the family system they grew up in.

In my family I experienced both over and under reactors. And some family members often vacillated between the two positions. At those times it challenged the stability of the environment. Unpredictability leads to fear or chaos. Ask anyone who grew up in an alcoholic family system.

I believe God wants us to operate with maturity in all areas of our lives – spiritually, emotionally and physically. The dysregulated person has regressed to a lower maturity state and can potentially end up hurting others and sinning. As a result their soul suffers.

So much of the work of counseling done by therapists is helping individuals and couples learn to manage their emotions and process their feelings accurately. If this is an area in your life that needs attention do not put off dealing with it. Your community will thank you for it.

I Can’t Breathe - Constrictive Relationships

Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding, gasping for air, like something heavy is pressing on your chest? It’s a really unpleasant experience. I have had several of those in recent memory, but I’m not going to go into dream analysis here. I just want you to connect with the feeling.

Sometimes relationships can feel a bit like my dream.

One of the more pleasant tasks of counseling is helping couples decide whether they should move forward towards engagement and marriage. We use assessments and other materials to evaluate the relationship, but often the feedback we give a couple is based on our intuition or perception.

With many couples the exchanges between them are easy and lighthearted. They listen well and respond appropriately. You can feel the love and respect. They act as cheerleaders for each other. These are the couples where it is easy for us to recommend going ahead with marriage.

But for some couples the atmosphere feels more like my nightmares – constricted and difficult. In marriage it usually only intensifies. What I mostly find at the root of the problem is a lack of trust resulting in attempts to control everything possible in the relationship. They may put pressure on their  partner to account for their whereabouts at all times. They may require their partner to think like them, and never disagree. Conversations can feel more like interrogations, and their partner walks on eggshells around them or around certain subjects. In short, they want to run away.

If you are the constrictor why might you lack trust?

·         Earlier abandonment – you have experienced emotional or physical withdrawal from people who should have remained steady and supportive for you. As a result you feel unsafe.

·         Your partner really isn’t trustworthy – they have proved time and again that their promises can’t be relied upon. Or perhaps they have been unfaithful and you have not fully dealt with the issue.

·        Anxiety and fear – often the byproduct of abandonment is insecurity and a heightened anxiety in relationships. Even when there are no indicators that you should mistrust your partner, fear drives you to try to control them. This usually results in your partner trying to pull away to get some breathing room.

·        Disorders – when you suffer from a more extreme form of anxiety (such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), or a personality disorder such as Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder you may have a particularly tough time restraining your need to control. These are issues that must be dealt with professionally.

·         You have not been trustworthy and are projecting your feelings onto your partner. You have not confessed and repented of the sin in your life and been forgiven. Perhaps you haven’t forgiven yourself, either.

The solution is to work on your issues before you destroy a relationship that you care about. Optimally this should be done before entering into marriage. But some things crop up during marriage and the quicker you recognize and deal with them the sooner you will experience health and happiness.

  

Empathy

I am usually pretty good at empathy in the counseling room. I am focused and listening at a deep level. But when it comes to Nan, well, I could use some help. The “man gene” kicks in and I begin leaning toward the “analysis and fixing” mode. Nan is not impressed with my skills in those moments.

Worse yet, there are times when I offer criticism or judgment instead of empathy. Now I have entered the relational danger zone.

The ability to understand another person’s experience and feelings is what creates a bond between two people. When we feel empathy in the small and large sufferings we go through in life, somehow we feel less alone, and therefore more resilient to the painful stuff life dishes out.

This is a generalization, but often when couples try to communicate awkward or emotionally painful feelings, they miss each other. Men will often show understanding for each other by joking, or giving advice, while women will express feelings of support and concern. If she is met with humor, or advice, she can feel unheard or uncared for, even as he is attempting to connect. And for a guy, too much empathy might make him feel uncomfortable, but too little will communicate disinterest in his concerns. It’s an intricate dance that has to be learned.

So, how can couples connect at a deeper level? How can they show understanding to one another in a way that is meaningful to their partner?  The first thing is to ask your partner if he/she wants to talk about this issue, then to let them know what you need.  Both people need to be open to change for the sake of their partner.  All change feels awkward and out of character at first. If you see your partner making an effort to be more empathetic, encourage him/her; the behavior will become more natural with time and understanding.

Often people will confuse sympathy, with empathy. The former will create distance, while the latter will produce closeness and emotional connection. Brene Brown has a wonderful illustration of the difference on YouTube. It is a short animated clip – and if you haven’t seen it, I would recommend you watch it now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

After watching the video it occurred to me that we should change an entire classification of greeting cards from “sympathy cards” to “empathy cards”.  Does that sound weird or a great idea?

So how do you respond when faced with someone else’s pain – with sympathy or empathy?

Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2.

Visiting Home

Jessica had a rocky childhood. It was plagued by a lot of emotional turmoil and conflict as a result of feeling unwanted. Her parents were emotionally disconnected and her older brother became her mother’s confidant. Her mother had expectations of her, to do chores and not get in trouble, but there was little warmth between them. Her father checked out of the family emotionally and spent as much time at his job as possible. So Jessica grew up feeling that she was not lovable and worthy of attention.

Eventually Jessica moved out, got married and started a family of her own. Unlike her father, her husband was warm and supportive. They moved several hundred miles away from her parent’s home. Things were certainly better, but she still felt somewhat insecure and anxious, especially when it came time to make the annual trip to see her parents and siblings for Christmas.

What was driving this anxiety about visiting home? 

Jessica still held expectations that things within her family of origin would change. Each year she visited, she hoped that she would finally feel special and loved. But her Mom, an active narcissist, still primarily pursued and got attention from her brother and his family. Her Dad was better these days and connected with her family, but not intimately with her. Each year she let her unmet childhood needs rule her thinking and her emotions.

So what should Jessica expect when she visits home each year?

Nothing. Tough as it sounds, grieving the loss of the way it should have been growing up and holding no expectations of change in the future is the only healthy choice. She can actively choose to go through a process of forgiving her parents for the hurts they caused when she was growing up. And she can lovingly detach when she visits, keeping the interactions light and polite.

It probably sounds unfair that Jessica needs to do the work of healing. After all, it’s her parents who missed the mark. And it isn’t fair – but it’s necessary. Otherwise, Jessica will be re-wounded every time she visits and she will become more and more bitter and resentful, and it will leak into her relationships with her husband and children.   

Christ did not ask us to walk the easy path. He asked us to walk the path of freedom. Often that path is uphill and twisty, and hard to see ahead. And we have to trust that the path leads us to where we want to go. Trust is the belief in an unseen outcome, because of the assurance of the source of our information. Hopefully you place your trust in Jesus Christ, who is the same yesterday, today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)  

Emotional, Logical, Strategic

When I was a kid I used to love to go to smorgasbords – or buffet meals. I could have anything or everything. It was a feast of unlimited proportions. What a delight! There was a problem, though. The table was big, and my stomach was, well, smaller than I imagined.

I was locked in a battle between the emotional and the logical.

Eating as much as I possibly could because it all looked good would have been an emotional decision. Knowing I couldn’t because my stomach was limited and I would be in pain was a logical one. It put me in a dilemma.

But there was always a third choice. Choose the best and thoroughly enjoy the experience. This is thinking strategically.

Often couples will get locked in conflicts over emotional vs. logical thinking patterns. Not surprisingly it is usually the guy who accuses his beloved of thinking emotionally and the woman asserting that her man has no feelings. Strategic thinking would not permit decisions to be feelings driven, but feelings influenced.

I can see this emotional vs. logical split within the larger culture as well.

There was a motto in the past that said:  “If it feels good, do it” -- definitely an emotional way to think – with a great potential for sin.

But logic could also be applied: “Only do it if you are sure that you won’t get caught and suffer the consequences” – also sinful thinking.

But nothing goes unnoticed by God and so neither position is a good bet. Strategic thinking says God allows us so many good things to choose from, why not choose the best. Like in the Garden of Eden, there were almost unlimited good things to pick from. There was no need to stray.

I think the church gets caught up in this kind of thinking, too. There are congregations where they succumb to unrestrained emotionality in their expression of worship. It is chaotic and feelings driven. But God is not chaotic. He warns us to maintain order when we assemble.

But there is an opposite as well – meetings conducted by rules, rigidity and coldness. There is no sense of love, and no room for the Spirit of God to move. This was the environment of the Pharisees that Jesus warned about when He was here on earth. 

Thinking strategically we would consider the whole Word of God and make balanced decisions, rather than separating out the parts that appeal to us.

In which direction do you lean? Do you need to make some adjustments in your thinking? 

Men, Music and Feelings

In couples counseling Nan will often say:

“Guys have feelings, too. Let’s give him a turn” (to bring up something for discussion.)

And to tell the truth, a lot of guys have trouble connecting with their feelings. Or more accurately, they may have a harder time interpreting and expressing their feelings. I think one of the reasons is that we, as men, have been given mixed messages about our feelings. On the one hand we might have been told to suppress our feelings as in:

“Big boys don’t cry.” “Suck it up.” “Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.”

And to be honest, sometimes that is wisdom. But we also hear about being “sensitive” and “getting in touch” with our feelings. This, of course, comes mostly from our women. And this is necessary for true intimacy with a mate.

The problem is if we are too expressive with our feelings we risk losing respect from our mate. If we are too restrained we risk losing connection and intimacy. It’s a fine balance we guys are supposed to maintain.

So do guys actually have feelings?

Have you ever seen a guy shredding on an air guitar? Have you ever seen a guy dominating on air drums? That’s some real feelings being expressed!

For those guys feeling challenged in this area, I suggest one way could be by adding a big dose of music to your diet – all kinds of music. Music has the ability to pull various emotions out of us: joy, anger, sadness, longing, loneliness, hopefulness, love, despair, silliness, nostalgia, adoration. It takes sampling a lot of different styles of music to expand our feelings repertoire – not just songs from the pop culture.

What we tend to do is listen to music that reflects our mood, rather than changes our mood. This also is helpful in getting in touch with our feelings. If I don’t know what I’m feeling, the music I listen to might give me a clue. Do I tend to listen to sweet classical music or joyful rock music, angry rap or cynical country? Do I use music to boost my mood, or to cope with life and/or escape from reality for a while? All of this is helpful to connect us with our inner world.

So, do guys have feelings too? Yes, but usually not as in your face as women do. Ladies, try this: put on some music and observe its effect on your guy. Does it change him in any way? Do you like what you see?

I love what worship music in particular does for me. I know that is why music was created in the first place – to connect us to God, to express our gratitude. But it also connects me to myself, to my feelings.  

I would like to make a shameless plug for a couple of my friends’ musical projects. Shameless because they are so excellent. Check out their web pages. Let their music enrich your life.

Jonas Aras & Jim Lownes

Jen Oikawa 

These are just a couple of recent projects I've selected from a multitude of talented artist friends.  

Avoiding A Relational Trap

All week I have been advising counseling clients not to fix, analyze or advise (thank-you Jim Cosby). Of course I have been analyzing and advising in hopes of fixing broken places in people’s lives. But then I figure that’s what many come to counseling for. Some, of course, come for emotional support during times of grief or hardship, but many more are looking for solutions.

I must say that my advice (to not F, A or A) is really hard to do for several reasons. But I will be avoiding a potential relational crash and burn if I do.

• It feels so powerless and passive. The key word here is “feels”. But actually a good listener is doing something important. They are connecting emotionally with another person. Active listening is not easy. Just try to do it very accurately and you may re-evaluate its difficulty.

• I get invited to do just that (FAA). Here is where it can get tough. What if your advice is solicited? Sometimes you may be offered an open door to speak into a person’s life or struggles. If the offer comes without strings attached and is genuine, you may want to carefully respond to the request. But sometimes it is an attempt to draw you into their drama with the hopes that you will rescue them and assume their responsibility. This is not helpful because it reinforces their sense of inadequacy and immaturity. Too often I will find myself entangled in an emotional triangle, because these kinds of problems often involve a third party. (See Emotional Triangles) <----- click link. 

• I am a male and it is just my nature. Yes, it is true that men are designed to be problem solvers first and foremost. And that is also why we get into so much trouble relationally. We put our need to fix ahead of what’s best for the other person. But as Christ followers, male or female, we are to make sacrificial decisions for the greater good.

When I attempt to fix, analyze or advise I risk relational disharmony. I may be met with anger or distance when it is unwanted. I may feel rejected and resented by the other person. Also, I may feel resentful when they misunderstand my intention or reject my advice. Even when I am asked to comment, I may at some point cross an invisible boundary that I did not know existed and encounter some resistance. Then "I" might feel even more frustrated and resentful.

So what should we do? In most cases we should go back to the tried and true pattern of:

• Reflecting – you can paraphrase what has been spoken to you so that the speaker knows that they were heard accurately.

• Empathizing – you can express your (positive) feelings for them without having to remove the source of their pain.

• Reassuring – you can offer up any honest reassurances about the situation without attempting to f, a or a. 

OK -- now go practice! And let me know how it works.

Breakups and Makeups

When Nan and I were 19 we had a breakup. We had been dating for about three years and she had gone off to live on campus at UCLA. We did our best to keep things going for a while, but somewhere into her second year we called it quits. It was painful. And it was a good choice. We were too young and too inexperienced. We both needed to stretch and grow and experience a bit more life.

We stayed apart for less than a year, but it was long enough to know that the grass was not greener on the other side of the fence.

I am concerned, however, when dating couples experience multiple breakups, especially when they are not in their teen years. When I see this happening it is a red flag for me. I can imagine that these are the same couples who threaten divorce often when things get strained in their marriage.

What is going on here? 

Just like Nan and me were back then, one or both people are not mature or emotionally stable enough to sustain an adult relationship.

I see a breakup as a good thing most of the time. The couple has recognized through the process of dating that there are factors that are, or would become long term problems. It especially takes courage when the relationship has a lot of time and effort behind it. 

Why might a couple get back together after a breakup?

• Anxiety that they made a mistake -- Even though the choice was a good one, there might be fear that they missed something.

• They tried dating other people but it didn’t work out -- The fear of being alone is greater than the fear of being in a potentially weak marriage. 

• Low sense of self worth -- They believe that they probably can’t do any better, so they settle on going back to a conflictual relationship.

• Family pressure -- Sometimes their family has bonded with the person they have been dating and doesn’t agree with the decision to break up.

• Sexual connection -- They have engaged in a sexual relationship and find it hard to give up, even though they know they will eventually break up again. 

There may be many other reasons as well. I am not saying that all breakups should remain permanent, but many should. It is difficult to go through the grief of a separation – but it is less painful than doing it multiple times, or enduring a troubled marriage.

Proverbs 26:11 (NLT) 

As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.

Brene Brown Video On Vulnerability

It is entirely possible that I am one of the last on the planet to be aware of this TED talk. And if so you can all just laugh (with) me. But I suspect that there will be many that will be challenged and blessed by Brene Brown's short, but powerful video.

For me, I am particularly grateful that I learned about Brene Brown from a couple of my counseling clients.

Go here for video

Two days in a row I was directed to listen to her TED talks -- this one on vulnerability and another on shame. I am grateful because I am committed to not only teach, but to also learn from my younger friends. Over the years I have gained many valuable insights and been referred to excellent books and resources by not giving in to a kind of arrogance of age. Oh, wait, I guess I am talking about vulnerability here -- admitting I don't know everything -- that I don't have the market cornered on wisdom and knowledge, even in my selected field.

The phrase we have always used is "having a teachable spirit". 

For some it may be hard to be vulnerable in this area. It may trigger feelings of inadequacy and shame. Sort of like what the video is addressing. But I see it as an indicator of growth, of maturity.

Are you comfortable and secure in your inadequacies? Can you freely admit them without shame?

I made so many spiritual connections that were implicit, but obvious in this video. Take a listen and tell me what you think.

Hanging On In Tough Times

Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. Heb 12:1-2 

No one escapes tough times – rich or poor, young or old. Circumstances may be different for each of us, but whatever it is, we will be challenged by it. For some it may be finances, for others it might be health or relational difficulties. 

But whatever you face, you will likely be angry or scared or hurt or frustrated. Perhaps you will feel all of these emotions.

Many years ago Nan & I hit a relational wall. We were emotionally disconnected, living nearly separate lives. Both of us wondered if this was the end of our marriage. We both felt lonely and misunderstood. Would we end up another ugly marital statistic? Fortunately Nan dragged me to counseling (kicking and screaming I might add) and things eventually got better – after they got worse for a while. We came out much stronger – and I came out a saved believer in Christ.

What did I learn from those hard times?

• Face the problem. It does no good to pretend that it doesn't exist. You may not have a solution at the moment, but it is unlikely to go away if you ignore it. Sometimes it takes me a while to break denial, but experience tells us that procrastination usually makes things worse.

• Brainstorm. There might be little you can do, but throw around a lot of ideas. It will give you a feeling of some kind of control. You won’t feel quite as hopeless. Then take any reasonable action you can. Keep searching for options even when you don’t feel like it.

• Manage your emotions. In the midst of difficulties you may feel like lashing out and blaming others or even God. Or you might want to turn it inwards and take a downward spiral into depression. You may need a moment to control your reactivity. Do your best not to feed your brain anxious and negative thoughts. Instead practice self-soothing.  

• Don’t compound the problem. Resist the urge to medicate the pain with substances or behaviors that will only make the problem worse.    

• Share your struggle with safe people. We need to let others come alongside our burdens. This is particularly important if your tendency is to withdraw. If married, make sure you stick to same sex friends or a trusted counselor. You don’t want to make it worse with an emotional entanglement.

• Pray – don’t deny the power of God. There is a tendency to rely only on the tangible when we are in the midst of something difficult. We can end up feeling hopeless when we run out of steam. If we remember to pray first, not last, it could make a big difference in our approach and sense of balance.  

We have a lot of empathy for people going through hard times. That’s why we counsel.  

Running to the Roar

Abandonment issues often get discussed in counseling settings. Generally, it is not difficult to identify, especially because it is so prevalent in this current culture. So many children have been unintentionally abandoned because of economic needs. They are brought up in single parent families where their parent must work outside the home or in two parent families where both must work. Some children feel this separation at a deep level and as a result they turn into anxious adults.

There are other conditions that create a feeling of abandonment in a child. When a parent withdraws and uses silence as a punishment a child will feel scared and rejected. This form of manipulation may inflict an attachment wound, causing a child to become anxious or insecure.

The child is at risk of growing up into an adult that will react fearfully when encountering distancing from another adult. 

A fearful adult may shrink from conflict, but often it is just the opposite. To them conflict becomes a form of connection, even if it is a negative connection. If a person tries to walk away from them during the conflict, the historical feelings of abandonment are triggered and the fear escalates into rage.

So what is needed here?  

If you are facing a raging spouse, I recommend a technique called “Running to the Roar”. Although counter-intuitive, moving towards the conflict rather than backing away from it will usually yield the best results. Think of it like this: giving a fire more oxygen (space) will increase the size of the blaze, whereas putting a blanket over it will reduce the oxygen and smother the flame. An angry spouse is like a burning fire – it is scary. But our job is to determine whether our spouse is dangerous or just noisy (roaring). Most of the time it is the latter.

When I explained this concept to one of my couple clients, the husband said “I’m not sticking my head into the mouth of a roaring lion (his wife).” I said to him “The lion has no teeth – she’s actually safe, just scared and noisy.” She was in the room nodding her head, agreeing with me. The tears came as she realized that her real need was to feel valuable enough to her husband that he wouldn’t leave her when she was feeling emotional. We were able to get him to reverse his tactics during future conflicts, and both the intensity and the duration were significantly reduced. Often all she needed was for him to hug her and reassure her that everything would be OK.

If you are the fearful spouse, you must realize that it is still your responsibility to work on the problem. It is important that you develop self-soothing strategies, positive self-talk, an active prayer connection and to practice containing your emotions. Your spouse is not the source of your fear, just the trigger. Working together you will create a much more peaceful and satisfying relationship.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Relational Drama

I must admit that for a while I was fascinated by the “reality” television shows. I suspect that I, like all the other viewers, have this inner voyeuristic bent that is curious to know how other people live behind closed doors.

Do people really fight that often and treat each other that harshly?  Is jealousy that rampant and are people really that fickle?

Later, I heard from an insider that these shows are actually scripted, and it took away most of the mystique and I soon lost interest. But the truth is that many people live out daily drama in their lives – and that is not a good thing.

I made a statement today at our pre-marrieds class that I truly believe:

“The higher the drama, the lower the level of maturity.”

Early in our marriage there was a lot of drama. There was drama in our dating, and there was drama on our honeymoon. It seems that we dragged all kinds of unpacked baggage from our families and our past into our relationship. It felt normal, but normal isn't necessarily healthy. 

In the counseling room we usually spend a lot of time helping people express their feelings. The belief is that if we can help them articulate their feelings they will discover their needs as well and be able to ask for them to be met (note: needs, not necessarily wants).

I wonder if we spend as much time as we should helping some people contain their feelings and manage their emotions.  In essence, do we encourage a higher level of emotional maturity which also (according to Pastor Peter Scazzero) leads to spiritual maturity? As a matter of fact, he says it is impossible to achieve spiritual maturity while remaining emotionally immature. 

The mature, healthy relationship contains little or no drama.

The Bible is full of help with gaining maturity. I particularly like the book of Proverbs for life lessons. It is probably the most significant of the books of wisdom and that is why most Bible reading plans include a daily verse or two from Proverbs.

There are 31 chapters in Proverbs and 31 days in most calendar months. I would challenge everyone to read a chapter a day, and then begin again with the new month. At the end of a year I would bet that the maturity level of every participant would increase significantly.

What do you think? How is the level of drama in your life and relationships? Is there some work that needs to be done? Are you the center or initiator of conflict, or does it seem to follow you around? Can you find ways to minimize the drama by changing your behavior? Would you consider reading a chapter a day from Proverbs for a year?  

The Noise in My Head

Have you ever had a song get stuck in your head and no matter what you do, you just can’t seem to make it go away? I think most of you could answer “yes” to that question.

It is the same with thoughts for a lot of people. No matter how hard they try, they cannot seem to push thoughts away and it drives them bonkers. I know, because I have been one of those people.

We call these unwanted, looping thoughts obsessive thinking patterns.

They can keep us distracted at work, make it difficult or impossible to sleep, and challenge our ability to being fully present with people. It may seem like this is just a definition of worrying – but I like to make a distinction. Worrying can usually be put “on hold” for a later time, but obsessive thoughts demand attention. They always want to be “front and center”.

Dealing with this can be arduous, because trying to not think about something just makes us think more about it. So what can we do to change this? Most clinicians would recommend a behavioral approach. We call it “stop think” or “thought shifting”.  Every time our mind wanders into this unwanted territory we must intentionally refocus on something else. This means being prepared with an alternate mental place to go.

Things that challenge me the most are usually related to family. When someone in the family is not doing well, it is troublesome. Often I can’t fix the problem no matter how much I focus on it. It is at that point that I must shift my thoughts to something else. I “capture” these thoughts and give them to God, knowing that he has the person or situation under His care.

I use prayer, meditation, books, physical changes in my environment, conversations with others and additional changes in my behavior to distract myself. Often the worst thing I can do is go to the Internet to try to find a solution to the problem. People often drive themselves deeper into anxiety by researching a medical or other problem online, and then discovering multiple new things to worry about. Medical symptoms often point in many directions.

When the obsessive thinking becomes so prevalent or severe, then an intervention may be necessary. This might include both counseling and medication. The decision to do so should be based on the level of relational and life disruption that it is causing.

The good news is that there is always help available. 

Assume I’m The Good Guy

I was struck by a statistic I heard at a seminar concerning unresolved conflict in marriages. The statistic was this:

            69% of conflict in troubled marriages never gets resolved.

Well, I thought, that makes sense. How can we have a good marriage if we can never resolve conflict? But the surprising statistic I heard was this:

            69% of conflict in happy marriages never gets resolved.

Wow, if it’s exactly the same, what then is the difference?

I thought about it for a while and it occurred to me that it must directly relate to our perception of the conflict. Or probably more accurately it relates to my belief about my spouse, during the time I am in conflict with her. If I believe that she is not for me, or more harshly, that she is against me – I am likely to view the conflict as compounding evidence that the relationship is in trouble. If, on the other hand, I can remember that this person that I love, and loves me in return, is just not in agreement with me at the moment, I am able to see the relationship in a much better light.

It really comes down to assuming positive intent on the part of the other person (innocent until proven guilty). As I like to tell my wife when things get edgy between the two of us:

Assume I’m the good guy!

Just that simple statement sometimes brings enough perspective for us to get through the impasse. Of course, I also have to check my attitude and make sure I have positive intent. And sometimes if my attitude is at a fork in the road, her belief in my positive intent motivates me to take the right road. 

           

But it is true that many things in our relationship just don’t get resolved. When it comes to money I am a saver by nature. She is less conservative – and that tension will always exist. My wife is always ready to say ‘yes’ to a party, whereas I want to have time to think about it first before making a decision. I could list many other instances where we are not in agreement. But we don’t assume that the other person is trying to make our life difficult. We just have different preferences. So we make compromises and try to work with each other the best that we can.

I think we can apply this same thinking to all sorts of interpersonal relationships as well. How about work relationships between co-workers or employer and employee? How about those going through a relationship break-up or even a divorce? It doesn’t have to be hostile. That is why we really like divorce mediators over divorce lawyers. Mediation assumes cooperation over antagonism, seeking the best possible outcome in a sad process.

So really the only difference between happy and troubled is a core belief. In our relationship our core belief is that we are for each other. How about you? What do you believe about your relationships? 

When Life Overwhelms

Have you ever felt like your life was a confluence of negative events with murky outcomes? I know I have at times. People often joke that bad stuff happens in threes and so it’s wise to be prepared for the worst. In reality there are times when I would welcome only three stressors to deal with at once.

Here is what I have learned.

I am still standing even though there have been times when I wondered how I would get through something.

Often I feel more powerless than I really am. In the midst of what may feel like a crisis, my emotions may tend to get the better of me. Depending on my temperament, I may either rush to action, or shut down and freeze. The solution is to calm myself down and take a little time to think things through and then take some action. Sometimes the best first action is to contact someone I trust to help me process my thoughts.

If I look at things one at a time and deal with them individually I will feel less overwhelmed.

If I let my anxious thoughts overtake me by grouping all my stressors into one big cloud of worry I am less likely to see my options. Why? The solutions to the individual problems will often need different actions. Money will only solve money problems. Reconciliation will only solve relationship issues. You get the point.

Sometimes prayer is the best and only thing I can do at the moment.

Prayer should be an ongoing action. Once I have done whatever is possible to do I must continue to surrender to God in prayer. If my child has been hospitalized and I am waiting for an outcome, I have done all I can do in the natural world. Now it is time to enter more deeply into the supernatural and pray for the power of God to intervene.

We must remember that we are not alone. As hard as it can be, we must remember to trust.

Ps 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Matt 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Jesus

Grief

It is hard to see any positive in the midst of a loss, especially when it is sudden and of a very deep nature. All we can see at the moment is a void without limits and inescapable pain. Worse yet, it may be accompanied by no explanation and no possibility of discovering one.

Yet God often does something for us at these moments. He protects our minds from the full force of the loss until we are able to begin processing it. The label we give to this mechanism is “shock” – a blunting or shutting down of our senses until some future time.

For those of us who will allow Him to, He also comforts us with a supernatural comfort. He does this directly through His Spirit and through friends and family that will gather around and share the burden and grieve with us.

No, it does not replace the loss, but it does give us a more solid footing in which to withstand the storm in us and around us.

Those of us who have suffered a great loss understand this and are grateful for the temporary relief from the unthinkable and the unbearable. Only in time can we understand that we can and will recover and once again experience normalcy in our life.

What can we do if we are the one experiencing the loss?

Don’t try to figure things out at the moment and make sense of them. Don’t try to predict or control your own reactions, but allow the process to carry you along wherever it might go. Some people react to crises very emotionally whereas others will respond much more stoically. There is no right or wrong here.

It is possible that eventually the emotions will have to be contained or expressed, depending on your temperament. But I do want to repeat: eventually.

What if you are the friend of someone experiencing a loss?

First, consider it a privilege to walk with someone through grief. It means that you are trusted and safe. The most helpful thing you can do is remain faithful. Do not isolate yourself from the person because the pain is so tangible and uncomfortable. Yes, you will feel it and be affected. That part is inescapable. But it is also what you are called to do by God. But I assure you that God will give you the grace to bear up under it.

Galatians 6:2 -- Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Romans 12:15 -- Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 

Comfort and Joy

By now almost everyone is aware of what is called the “holiday blues” – waves of sadness that overtake people who have: experienced losses in their lives on or around the holidays; or who have become acutely aware of the people, finances, or relationships that have disappeared or never existed.

Our tendency when we encounter these people can be to do one or two things that are not helpful.

The first is to try to fix them or cheer them up. We offer suggestions on how to get rid of the feelings. Or we try to distract them, as if they were children that need to be redirected. Or we offer lame platitudes that only make them feel worse.

The second is to distance ourselves from them as if they carried a contagious disease. And in some ways they do. It is hard to be around people who are sad without us also being infected or affected.  It can be especially difficult during a season that is naturally joyful for us, or where we are having a hard time accessing the spirit for ourselves.

We, as a culture, don’t seem to deal well with grief in ourselves or others. There is a tendency towards denial of our limitations, whether dealing with our or others lifespan, our accomplishments, our capabilities or other forms of personal power. But we are limited, and when we come up against one of these barriers, there is loss involved, and where there is loss there is sadness. We feel our powerlessness and lack of control and we grieve.

So what do we do when we find ourselves with friends and family experiencing the holiday blues?

We come alongside. We just sit with them and listen to them. We offer the warmth of our presence, our smiles and our touch. We offer them a safe haven and let them grieve.

What if we are the one going through the sadness?

We need to not isolate from people. We need to seek community and get involved. We need to let people comfort us when they are willing. And we need to look outward and try to focus on others. Nothing seems to lift our spirit like serving others in some capacity.

One way to change negative associations with the holidays is to build new, positive memories. We can initiate new rituals (like participating in volunteer efforts) and respond affirmatively to invitations to gather.

So where is the joy?

We can turn to God in prayer. We serve a God who understands our pain. Jesus experienced great loss and pain during his time in the world. He knew He could not leave us alone in our suffering and so He sent His Holy Spirit to dwell with us and comfort us. He promised that He would turn our mourning into dancing.   

2 Corinthians 1:    ³ All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. ⁴ He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.