Over the years I have often talked about balancing the kinds of relationships that we are exposed to as we move through our daily life. Some relationships we have a lot of control over and others less so. In our work life, many of the relationships are predetermined and we take them as they come, making decisions about how emotionally close we get “on the fly”. It is much the same with the people that we are related to through family or marriage. We don’t always have much of a choice.
When it comes to our friendships, we have a lot more say in who we let into our private spaces. Those who we judge to be safe people become candidates to join our inner circle of friends. But if we are healthy, those who are found to be less safe are understandably held at a further distance. I have been all about boundaries since I heard of the Cloud/Townsend book years ago, and they have saved many a relationship over the years. I still abide by the wisdom that is presented in their material.
Another Concept
From a separate teaching I have learned to discern categories of people that might enter my life. There are VIPs (mentors), Mutuals (two way relationships), VNPs (very nice people) and VDPs (very draining people). Within the church I have heard this last group referred to (a bit more kindly) as EGRs (extra grace required).
The VNPs are the bulk of the people that we come into contact with. They are the cheering section of acquaintances that affirm us as we accomplish things, but don’t pitch in to help. The Mutuals are our committed close friendships that are on the playing field with us. This is usually a pretty small group of friends that understand that give and take is required for joining. Even smaller is our VIP group. These are one-way relationships where, by definition, we get to be on the receiving end. They are valuable and usually we have to do the pursuing to establish them.
Then there is the last group, the VDPs. It is this group that we have to manage carefully. They will almost always pursue us and this is where boundaries become essential. VDPs have the ability to suck the life out of us – and from this group comes the toxic people. Not all VDPs are toxic – some are just needy. But all toxic people are VDPs.
Toxic People
I had always seen managing or eliminating toxic people from my life as a way to protect myself. But recently I have gained a new understanding about toxic people. We must guard against them not solely because they are a personal liability, but because they are a threat to our mission. For those of us who are following Christ, our mission is to expand His kingdom on earth. Our mission might be near (as in service to our family or career) or far (to the ends of the earth). But toxic people can distract us from our mission in multiple ways. But one thing in common is that they will drain us of our focus, our energy, our emotional well-being or our financial and other resources.
When we identify someone as toxic we must make a choice how to deal with them. Sometimes it’s just easiest to walk away from them. Remove yourself. Other times you may need to stand up to them and set boundaries. Do it as kindly as possible, but do it firmly. And remember – setting boundaries is not the same as maintaining boundaries. With toxic people they will challenge your limits, often aggressively. Your success will depend on your commitment to holding strong.
I am not going to define toxic people here. That is a much deeper issue that really needs to be explored carefully. It can touch upon the subject of evil and you may need help making an accurate appraisal. One helpful resource is a leadership video by Henry Cloud called The Wise, The Foolish and The Evil. You may want to check it out.
