Dating Advice for the Not-Yet-In-A-Relationship

One of the things that Nan & I do with relationship seekers is to give out a list of “Must Haves” and “Can’t Stands”. It is basically a collection of both character qualities and preferences that can guide a person while “interviewing” potential mates. The instructions are to choose your top 10 in each category. 

These lists serve two purposes. For some, it is necessary to limit the choices to a realistic collection of desired attributes. That is why the choices are capped at 10. For others, they tend to set the bar so low that they need to work on raising their standards to an acceptable level. Which group do you fall into: too picky or too lax? 

There is a catch, too. You must become what you want to attract.

So many people focus on what they want from a relationship, but fail to ask the question “What am I willing to give?” I suggest making out a list of all the things you will bring to the table. Marriage is a partnership of two people willing to contribute equally to a common future. 

Too many times we have seen items on a person’s list that don’t match. 

• “I want someone physically fit” – but they themselves are not. 
• “I must have someone who is organized” – but their personal world is a mess. 
• “I want someone who is ambitious” – but they have no goals in life. 
• “I desire someone with high moral standards” – but they, well… you get the point. 

Our advice is often to back off of relationship seeking until you have made the necessary adjustments in your thinking, attitude or physicality. You are far more likely to connect with a great partner if you do. 

Are you a workaholic? Relationships require ongoing time investments. You many have to cut back from your job so you can contribute more at home. 

Are you lazy and want to be taken care of? This is a prescription for resentment to grow in your relationship. And resentment will create distance and isolation eventually. Try to match your partner’s energy. 

One other thing comes to mind. For some the quest for a relationship is fear driven. 

“I don’t want to end up alone.” 

Unfortunately, this anxiety is often palpable and obvious and may be the key reason you are not able to connect. You may exude a seriousness that makes others back off. Dating should be fun and easy, full of smiles and laughter and enjoyment – not an intense pursuit toward a goal. That comes later after you have established that the person really is a good candidate for a deeper relationship. Nan suggests a minimum of 12 dates with 12 different people in 12 months so you don’t just get stuck on the first one that comes along. 

You can make up your own “Must Haves” and “Can’t Stands” lists – but remember, you must “be” all the things on your lists.

10 Things a Woman Can Do To Get and Keep A Man

For this week I am going to post an article from a former colleague of Nan’s that she wrote some time ago for a magazine. I think her observations are spot on.

What Men Want From Women – The Basics

Karen McQuade M.S.

“What do men want?” women often wonder. Although most men do think a lot about sex, and it is very important to them, they so value other things in a relationship, too. Ladies, it’s simpler than you might think.

1) A man wants a woman who is glad that he is in her life. A man wants to feel welcome in the life of the woman he’s involved with. He wants a woman who enjoys his company. He does not want to be continually criticized or corrected. He’d like to feel he pleases her. If you can’t be happy with him as he is now, ask yourself why that is. Men do not want to be your home improvement project.

2) Men want to be valued for their contributions. Men are more action-based than word-based. A man wants to hear that the woman in his life appreciates what he does. He wants his contributions to be thought of as valuable to her and to the family as a whole. Make it a habit to express your appreciation frequently for what he does.

3) Men want their efforts at change to be recognized. Men get very discouraged when they change their behavior and hear angry words like, “Now, why can’t you do that all the time?” Men would prefer, “Thank you, honey, I really appreciate that.” A man wants to know his efforts to change his behavior and to please his partner make a difference in their relationship and that she feels good about him and their relationship when he does change.

4) Men want women who understand women’s words are powerful. Women are verbally adept, and can easily hurt others by what they say. We often see men as tough, but actually men are easily hurt by words. Men want relationships with women who are conscious of the effect their words can have on others. They want caring women who take responsibility for the words and tone they use. Watch your words, and don’t be cruel.

5) Men want an activity companion. Men are doers, not talkers. To men, meaningful interaction is often what they do with others. So men want women who will spend time doing things with them and enjoy it. Men find that meaningful and satisfying, even if the two of you don’t talk much. Learn to appreciate just being together sometimes. Talking isn’t everything.

6) Men usually like their conversations brief and orderly. Men prefer that you tell them one thing at a time in a relatively orderly fashion. Write down long lists of things you want done, and get to the point before they lost or lose interest. Women usually are very verbal and don’t always talk concisely or in a particular order, which is fine when talking with most women, but is very confusing and frustrating to most men. Remember, men are not chatty, so don’t ramble too much. Condense, and get to the point. Save most of the conversational strolls into the recesses of your soul for your female friends.

7) Men want a woman who has a life. A healthy man is attracted by a woman who has a life to share with him, not by a woman who wants him to be her life. Most men get anxious around a woman who expects that merely having him will solve all her problems. To be a woman’s sole source of fulfillment and happiness is too heavy a burden for any man. Relationships require that you have a strong sense of self and varied interests in life.

8) Men want peace. Men want their relationships with women to be a nurturing, peaceful, and loving refuge from the world. Men do not want a contentious home or relationship. They want women who are not easily offended or easily upset, or impossible to please. They want positive, caring interactions to be the norm. Constant anger, discontent, and unhappiness drive men away. If you tend to be negative, discontent, or irritable, seek professional help in overcoming those tendencies. These tendencies do not work well in a relationship.

9) Men want women to know that women’s emotions can be overwhelming to men. Men do not even want to talk at length about their own feelings or to examine them in great detail. They find women stressful who love to have frequent, long conversations about feelings and the state of the relationship. Although some talk of feelings and the state of the relationship is necessary, frequent, intense conversations like this will cause men to get overloaded and shut down emotionally. If you want a companion and not a zombie, let it be a seasoning, not a main dish.

10) Men do not want to be controlled or engulfed. Most men fear losing themselves in relationship. In healthy relationships people discuss important issues, what they are doing, and how it affects the other. Spouses also keep each other informed of their schedules. However, men do not want to feel their wives or girlfriends grant them permission to do things. Healthy men do not mind working out mutual solutions to problems, but men panic and resist if they feel a woman is trying to control their every move. A man can love a woman and still need time away from her. A man needs to feels his own separateness to be in relationship in order to be emotionally intimate with a woman. Respect his separateness and his differences. Be his companion and partner, not his boss or his Siamese twin.

If you can be the woman I’ve described, or can work toward being that woman, healthy men will be very happy with you.

Sex and Guilt

“The great tragedy is not masturbation or fornication or pornography. The tragedy is that Satan uses guilt from these failures to strip you of every radical dream you ever had or might have. In their place, he gives you a happy, safe, secure, American life of superficial pleasures, until you die in your lakeside rocking chair.” John Piper – October 19, 2007 Christianity Today

I was struck by this quote on a week where I have been thinking about sex and guilt and how it is a bigger problem than people might think. I was particularly concerned because of the shame and guilt that many pre-married couples feel as they prepare to join their lives together permanently.

In the privacy of the counseling room both men and women will express regrets at having crossed over boundaries that they knew to be against their values. However, not surprisingly it is women who seem to carry a bigger burden in this area. Premarital sex and extramarital affairs seem to reach deeper into a woman’s heart. I would want this message to be especially heeded by men because they might not understand how significant “casual sex” can be for a woman.

I am not implying that women alone carry this. Many men have expressed deep sadness at the damage they have done to themselves and others. They feel unworthy in relationships and disqualified from taking an active part in ministry and leadership.

It was during our teens, twenties and thirties that the “sexual revolution” flourished (from mid 1960’s to mid 1980’s) until the emergence of AIDS slowed it down considerably. During this time, the availability of new birth control, (the pill especially) changed the sexual landscape forever. With the possibility of pregnancy greatly diminished, the old sexual taboos and restraints were largely abandoned.

I would expect that my generation, being the transitional one, would carry guilt deeper than current ones, but that does not seem to be true. The younger generations may engage in sex outside of marriage at a greater rate because of changed societal values, but the percentages of associated guilt appear to remain steady, at least within the church body.

Is guilt bad? 

• It isn’t when it becomes a positive change agent in our lives. It motivates us to make course corrections when we are headed in the wrong direction. 

• It isn’t when it allows us to feel empathy or compassion for others. 

• It is if it drives us away from God instead of towards Him. 

• It is if it keeps us stuck in shame patterns that are toxic. 

• It is if, as the opening quote states, it kills our dreams of doing anything significant because we think we are disqualified as a result of our sexual behavior.

I am always encouraged when a weekend sermon coincides with a blog post I had been working on, like this week’s. It validates the subject for me.

This week's sermon reminded me that God has a plan for us when we have sinned against Him and others with our sexuality. We do not have to carry the guilt, but through confession and repentance can be forgiven and restored. We are then free to move on with our radical dreams.

Fear or Pride?

There are times when I am sitting in front of a couple, locked in a power struggle, emotionally stuck, and obviously in pain. And I try to understand what is holding them back – fear or pride. In this context I would define fear as not wanting to make a mistake, and pride as not wanting to surrender and do the right thing. Sometimes I think I am confronted with one of each – pride in one person, vs. fear in the other.

Fear and pride holds us back from taking a reasonable risk, even when it might accomplish the relational goals that God would ask of us. 

Consider these inner dialogs that you might have had.

“What if I ‘turn the other cheek’ and he does the same thing again?”

 “What if I offer an apology and she rejects it and won’t forgive?”

 “What if I admit my part of a conflict and it is used against me?”

It is obvious that pride is a sin against God. What about fear? We are told to fear (God –

be in awe of Him), and we are told not to fear (to be courageous). I guess you could say the context of fear has everything to do with how you answer that question. It would seem that God would want us to take some bold stands, and not to do so would be considered sinful.

I would offer that both pride and fear are understandable. They both share the risk of losing something – a part of self. It is very hard to move in the direction of loss – it is counterintuitive. But sometimes solutions can only be found when we move against our feelings.

What Nan and I recommend to break a relational stalemate is for each person to make a small step towards the other person – called a repair attempt. When we encounter a repair attempt from another person we must acknowledge and accept it as genuine – and not criticize it or minimize it (too little, too late). It is difficult to do when we are emotionally on high alert, but if we can remember to keep the big picture in mind it makes self-soothing and calming ourselves easier.

I believe our personality and temperament may determine which side of the line a person is likely to fall on. Probably anxious people will drift toward the fearful side and stubborn people towards the prideful region. Either area is dangerous in a relationship, because it prevents God from doing a healing or even miraculous work in our lives.

I know that Nan and I have experienced both pride and fear when dealing with each other. Over the years we have probably traded positions depending on the season or the situation. It still shows up time to time. What makes “now” different from “then” is the amount of time we are willing to invest in a power struggle. Age can have its advantages. 

Not Another Relationship Thingy!

I was really pleased with the turnout that we got at our last marriage conference (The Art of Marriage). Perhaps what pleased me the most were the longtime marriage veterans that showed up.  These were the people who you might think would have the lowest motivation to attend and the least to learn. But here’s the kicker: Some of the most positive comments came from these people. They were generally folks who had been to various marriage events over the years but still were interested in participating. Why?

People that are lifelong learners are winners.

The comments ranged from “Good seminar” to “I picked up a few new tips” to “I never thought about that before” to “I had low expectations but was pleasantly surprised.”

As you might imagine Nan & I have been through a sufficient amount of marriage and counseling material. It’s what we do. But still there is always more to absorb and there is an excitement that comes with opening a new book or watching a new DVD. We took some of this with this on vacation this year. In front of us was the television with a series on ‘Attachments’ playing and to the left was the pool and the ocean beyond. They both held their allure.

I actually have heard people brag that they haven’t read a book since high school or college. All I can think is “Wow, how sad, you are really missing out.” I must say that this doesn’t describe the bulk of my friends and co-workers – especially at church. Often they are exchanging book lists, looking for something new and interesting. And most of those who we counsel don’t fit into that category either. Usually there is a hunger to grow. Often we joke about “Here comes the homework part of the counseling”.

So how are you when a new relationship class or event or book is announced? Do you groan and hope your wife (or husband) isn’t interested or do you keep an open mind? In the interest of telling the most honest version of my story – I have done both, leaning toward the negative direction more often than I would want to admit in public. But I have rarely been disappointed when I have embraced the learning experience. It’s almost always been my attitude, not the event that was lacking.

Strong marriages put in the time. I have friends that do a yearly marriage retreat of some sort – and you can imagine the condition of their relationship. Nan and I take at least a yearly vacation – and a couple of long weekends away as well.

What have you done lately? What books have you read? Please use the comment section below to share your thoughts.

Empathy

I am usually pretty good at empathy in the counseling room. I am focused and listening at a deep level. But when it comes to Nan, well, I could use some help. The “man gene” kicks in and I begin leaning toward the “analysis and fixing” mode. Nan is not impressed with my skills in those moments.

Worse yet, there are times when I offer criticism or judgment instead of empathy. Now I have entered the relational danger zone.

The ability to understand another person’s experience and feelings is what creates a bond between two people. When we feel empathy in the small and large sufferings we go through in life, somehow we feel less alone, and therefore more resilient to the painful stuff life dishes out.

This is a generalization, but often when couples try to communicate awkward or emotionally painful feelings, they miss each other. Men will often show understanding for each other by joking, or giving advice, while women will express feelings of support and concern. If she is met with humor, or advice, she can feel unheard or uncared for, even as he is attempting to connect. And for a guy, too much empathy might make him feel uncomfortable, but too little will communicate disinterest in his concerns. It’s an intricate dance that has to be learned.

So, how can couples connect at a deeper level? How can they show understanding to one another in a way that is meaningful to their partner?  The first thing is to ask your partner if he/she wants to talk about this issue, then to let them know what you need.  Both people need to be open to change for the sake of their partner.  All change feels awkward and out of character at first. If you see your partner making an effort to be more empathetic, encourage him/her; the behavior will become more natural with time and understanding.

Often people will confuse sympathy, with empathy. The former will create distance, while the latter will produce closeness and emotional connection. Brene Brown has a wonderful illustration of the difference on YouTube. It is a short animated clip – and if you haven’t seen it, I would recommend you watch it now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

After watching the video it occurred to me that we should change an entire classification of greeting cards from “sympathy cards” to “empathy cards”.  Does that sound weird or a great idea?

So how do you respond when faced with someone else’s pain – with sympathy or empathy?

Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2.

Disappointment

There are times when Nan and I tussle over the contents of this blog. I always give her editorial privilege, meaning she can critique my first draft. She will often say that my delivery is too stringent (or too vague). I just think I am speaking the truth in love. She thinks the love part is a bit too obscure. But she knows my heart and I know hers, so I only register a slight disappointment that she didn't send up fireworks the first time around.

How we deal with disappointment is a sure sign of our emotional maturity level.

If we can take disappointing news in stride, we are probably operating at a pretty high level of maturity. If on the other hand we pitch a fit like a four-year-old when we encounter an obstacle, well, we are probably operating at that emotional level. And no one wants to be in a relationship with an immature partner. It gets old really fast. High drama = low maturity. 

What kinds of disappointments might we face in marriage? 

• When a spouse doesn’t want us to spend money 

• When a spouse turns us down for sex 

• When a spouse doesn’t meet our emotional expectations 

• When a spouse doesn’t remember times, dates, and promises 

• When a spouse doesn’t want to be as social as we do 

• When a spouse doesn’t hold the same priorities 

• And so many other instances that frustrate and challenge our emotional balance 

There is another side to this as well. How are you at accepting other people’s disappointments? I often ask a counselee if they are able to let their partner be disappointed and not try to fix everything, especially if their partner needs to adjust to reality of some sort. Nan is always disappointed when I don’t go along with everything that she desires. But that doesn’t mean that I am necessarily wrong and need to fix it. Sometimes I just have to let her have time to accept my decision. And the same goes for me, too. 

I've noticed that many people will act much better when faced with disappointments at their jobs. They hold it together probably because creating a scene in public is humiliating. But those same people might not show restraint at home where the stakes are arguably higher and longer lasting.

I have empathy for people’s disappointments (most of the time), especially when they are being denied good things that have been earned or are reasonable, or having to suffer for bad situations that they did not cause. That is why we need a close, connected relationship with God. So we have a place to turn to in those tough moments.

 Psalm 34:18 (NLT) The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

One Big Obstacle to Counseling Success

It was another really hard session – tempers were up and hope was down. Nan and I had tried for months to get this couple on track. They were both devout Christians and really good willed people. It seemed like every positive move was sabotaged by another destructive one. Although we had our suspicions, we couldn’t definitively pinpoint the problem person in the relationship. Was one spouse just too passive or was the other too aggressive? Did we have a well concealed addict and a co-dependent unwilling to speak up?

As it turned out, it was neither. We had an undiagnosed disorder that was unpredictable. You might think figuring this out would be a big victory, but it wasn’t at first. Now we had the task of convincing both spouses that it needed treatment beyond talk – to us and God. It required medication for any real change to take place. But there was resistance. Why? It was a twofold problem. The couple came from a religious tradition that believed that taking medication meant that one lacked faith in God’s power to heal. And the second reason was that to seek a medical solution meant having to humble oneself and admit that they were the problem or at least a large part of it and not their spouse.

What finally happened?  As I said earlier, these people were good willed people who were truly committed to following Christ. Humility paved the way to surrender, and we were able to get them to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, who accurately treated the disorder. After that we were able to make real progress in counseling. Grace reigned as they dealt with issues of resentments and the subsequent forgiveness. Yes, both people did have a part in the problem, but the disorder prevented them from making progress. Instead they got stuck in an endless cycle of blame and defend. The medication changed the entire atmosphere of the counseling sessions. They got unstuck.

What ultimately is needed in these situations? 

• Humility – a willingness to investigate the possibility that you might need additional medical help. Sometimes it is not a belief that holds a person back, but just plain stubbornness (sin). We have actually identified the problem, understand that the most effective solution would be medication, but the person wants other people to accommodate their dysfunctional behaviors rather than have to take a step that feels distasteful to them.

• Kindness – anger will never move a couple or individual forward. 

• Courage – it is difficult to move beyond our fears and closely held beliefs. 

• Embracing Grief – It may require embracing the loss that comes with surrender. What loss? The feeling of loss of control or power, the loss of my belief that I am right and you are wrong or something else similar 

2 Cautions 

Medication alone is not sufficient to deal with the problem -- it takes a combination of medication and counseling to deal effectively with the issue. The second caution is never go off the medication without a doctor's approval. There is a tendency to start feeling much better after a while and then believe that everything is great. You are feeling better because you are taking the medication. Listen to the doctor's instructions carefully and follow his/her advice.

I really love this talk from Pastor Tommy Nelson on his fight with depression. He embodies the things I have been talking about.

 Click the link and enjoy! 

A Christian Looks at Depression 

Proverbs 15:22 (ESV) Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.

Your Relational House

Proverbs 22:3 (CEV) When you see trouble coming, don’t be stupid and walk right into it — be smart and hide. 

There are times when I leave the counseling room with a lot of sadness. Sometimes it’s because of sitting with someone in their grief, when the only encouragement I can give them is to hang on in any way that they can.

Other times I am sad because a person is unable to make necessary changes and is headed for unavoidable destruction. Things have been set in motion that cannot be stopped, whether self-inflicted or otherwise.

Then there is a third situation that might be the saddest of them all. And that is when a client sees the problem, understands the problem, and knows the solution but is unwilling to do what is required. This is where disaster is chosen or allowed because of pride or arrogance or stubbornness.

God would call this last one sin.

I have seen marriages break up for exactly this reason – where a sincere apology would have opened the door to reconciliation. But the person refused. How sad and needless. I have seen relationships fall apart and families wounded because one or both of the marriage partners would not control their tongue and contain their toxic emotions. Instead, they let it rip and damage the people that they claim to love. 

Proverbs 14:1 (NLT) A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. 

Of course the scripture could apply to men or women, but the message is the same: you have a choice to build or destroy. And it really is a choice. No one can credibly say “I couldn’t help it.” Sorry, it just isn’t true.

But every once in a while I leave the counseling room rejoicing, because a client has made the courageous decision to embrace humility, powering down rather than powering up. They go to tears instead of anger, kindness instead of meanness, maturity rather than childishness and faithfulness over a cheating heart. They understand God’s concept of wisdom vs. foolishness. 

Proverbs 22:3 (CEV) When you see trouble coming, don’t be stupid and walk right into it — be smart and hide. 

I love that verse and translation. Again, it implies choice. I must tell you that I have spoken foolish words many times knowing full well that there would be trouble ahead. I could have hidden my tongue in my mouth instead – or better yet removed myself from the room. These days I am much more prudent. Sometimes words slip out unintentionally, but I try to be quick to apologize when they do.

So how are you doing? Are you building up your relational house or is there some repair work needed -- or perhaps even a full renovation? Discuss together.

Pray for each other when you are finished.

The Importance of Fathers

Father’s Day brings up so many varied emotions in people – respect, love, sadness, anger, fear, longing and often apathy. It is rarely neutral, however. I am always touched when I see the loving connection of fathers and children at church. I think “These kids will have a distinct advantage in life.”

I could roll out all kinds of statistics showing the correlation between those who are in the prison system and fatherlessness. But those are well known to most of us and there is little disagreement. But the impact of fathers goes far beyond simply being physically present or absent in a child’s life. The emotional connection is a huge force in the life of a son or daughter.   

I have seen grown up men break down and cry when talking about their fathers. I have seen gentle men tense up and get uncharacteristically angry when the subject of father came up. I have seen girls weep over the relationship that never quite solidified because their dads did not try to really know them.

But I have also heard many really warm stories about how dads are heroes or role models or protectors. And I am not just talking about bio-dads, but those who have stepped into the role and done a remarkable job.

Interesting facts: 

• Girls with a good relationship with their father are less likely to be promiscuous. 

• Kids with a strong father relationship are less likely to get in serious trouble with the law. 

• Kids with a father to back up their mother are more likely to learn to accept authority. 

• Kids with a father in the home are less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. 

• Boys with a good father model are more likely to respect and treat women well. 

• Kids with a strong father connection are more likely to take necessary risks and be more self confident. 

• Having a positive relationship with a father dramatically shapes our view of God 

This is in no way to dismiss the incredible jobs that many single moms do, but most single moms I know wish they had a strong good man in house to share the load.

I am going to post a link on my Facebook page to my Dropbox with an audio file worth listening to. It is from a recovery series by Daryl Pitts on the View of God. I really recommend that you listen to it – and send me feedback. It is my Father’s Day gift to you.    

Plugging Up The Leaks

I have a really bad habit of eating while driving. I developed it from years spent driving from office to office during traffic hours. Although things have changed recently in that department, old habits die hard. So on the way to counsel this morning I was driving with one hand and eating a breakfast burrito with the other. Since I had my eyes on the road (aren’t you thankful for that) I didn’t notice the back end of the burrito leaking through 3 layers of napkins. Drip, drip, and drip onto my shirt and jeans. I couldn’t see it and I couldn’t feel it. But Nan could.

That’s kind of a picture of my life, and maybe yours as well. While my attention is focused in one direction, my bad habits are leaking in another, and I’m either totally unaware or cognitively impervious.

What am I leaking?

It could be all kinds of things. It could be my proclivity to be short or critical with my words when I am focused on getting somewhere in a hurry. It could be my tendency to be stingy with money when we are supposed to be celebrating. It could be my need to be heard, trampling on other people’s feelings who want to be included in the conversation. Whatever it might be, others are observing the drips and their effects, but I am not.

Where I make things worse is when I don’t want those drips to be brought to my attention. I was grateful when Nan wanted to help clean my shirt and pants, but there are other areas where I would rather she just ignore the flaws. And sometimes it is wisdom on her part when she lets some of those things go. But the Bible says:    

Proverbs 27:6 The Message (MSG)
⁶ The wounds from a lover are worth it;
   kisses from an enemy do you in. 

I like that translation – other versions substitute the word “friend” instead of lover, but those who truly love me will risk telling me the truth, even if it is awkward or risky.

Ask yourself this question:

“Am I correctable?”

Can I hear what I don’t want to hear, even if it is good for me and the relationships that I value, or have I put up barriers to protect a fragile sense of self, or an arrogant persona? That condition will separate me from intimacy with others. I have done that in my marriage and perhaps you have too. When I am yielded to Christ I am much less likely to do that – but oh, how hard that can be when my defenses are up and my habits are entrenched.

Where do you think you might be leaking? Is it because of an oversight due to having your eyes fixed on the wrong things? Can you be gentle but honest with yourself?

By the way, the spots came out of my shirt and pants, albeit reluctantly. There is always hope, and with some perseverance and a little assistance from caring others you can clean up the mess, and plug up the leaks as well. 

Giving Up on a Relationship

I have been asked several times recently to write about the topic of when it is time to give up on a relationship. I have had to reevaluate my response over the years because I have perhaps held a position that has been too naively optimistic. Perhaps I have relied too heavily on Philippines 4:13 which states “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” The problem with this line of thinking is confusing “can do” with “should do”. I know that my more recent position may seem harsh to some folks, but I assure you that there is little that is more painful than a bad relationship.

It is important to factor in which stage of a relationship a couple is in. If a couple is married, and particularly if they have children, we do everything we can to keep the couple together, barring physical or serious emotional abuse. In that case we recommend separation until the relationship has dealt with the root issues and the threat of abuse has passed.

But there have been other times when we have labored too long with a couple who had not yet made a decision to get married or move forward from engagement. One of our pastors says “If they are struggling that much before marriage, they should not consider moving forward, especially until they deal with their individual problems.” In further conversations we have agreed that the dating and engagement process should be delightful and hopeful. No relationship is trouble free, but the overall level of positivity should exceed 80%.

So when should you separate from a relationship, perhaps permanently?

If you are not married:

• If there is physical abuse, even once, it is over. It only gets worse with time.

• If there is serious unresolved conflict (emotional, spiritual, financial, etc.)

• If there are multiple break-ups

• If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells a lot of the time

• If you have trust issues within the relationship (not because of your past)

• If your partner has serious moral or characterological issues 

If you are married (or perhaps unmarried and share a child): 

• If there is a refusal to deal with and permanently end physical or emotional abuse involving you or your children 

• If there are infidelity issues that a spouse is unwilling to end and/or properly deal with. There must be a process of restoration undertaken after the damaging behaviors have passed. 

• If there is a refusal to give support to the marriage either financially or domestically based on the roles you have agreed to fulfill. This, of course, is more complicated if there are extenuating circumstances like mental or physical illnesses, which would necessitate a deeper look into the problems. 

Obviously, we recommend premarital counseling as a positive step towards a possible permanent relationship. All relationships have some rough edges. And we also believe in counseling for the restoration of distressed marriages and the acquiring of skills for relational growth.

Sometimes hearts will change, or God will intervene as a person becomes willing to be submitted to Him in humility. But oftentimes it is just best to embrace reality and begin the grieving process of letting go of a troubled relationship.

Girls: He’s Not Going to Change

There is an old saying that a girl marries a guy hoping to change him and a guy marries a girl hoping she’ll never change. The punch line? They are both wrong.  

This is one of the reasons that there is a condition called post-nuptial blues.

We hold high expectations for what we hope will happen after the wedding. But when reality turns out to be different we can become sad and disappointed. That is why we tell pre-marrieds over and over that they should only marry a person if they can accept them as they are – not for their potential. If they never change, can you live with that?

Most guys will change to a degree over the course of a marriage, but they don’t always change in the direction that you want them to. I know that no guy wants to be seen as “a project” and neither does a woman. So if you find yourself thinking in that direction, think again. You both will be happier if you don’t hold that agenda.

Do you have an unspoken list in your head? He will become more spiritual after we marry. She will become more secure and less angry. His work ethic will change. Her work ethic won’t change. I could go on and on – but you get the point. 

I have seen another reason for post-nuptial blues as well, this one particularly for the girls. So much of their focus has been put on “The Wedding” and “The Honeymoon” that marriage seems like a let down. It is as if this is the single defining event of their life and now that it is over there is nothing more to look forward to. Instead of being seen as a beginning, it is seen more like an ending.

This is why Nan & I strongly suggest that weddings are better when they are more modest (apart from financial reasons). Somehow when weddings are not overblown there is more focus placed on the relationship rather than on the ultimate party for friends and family. It is often difficult to convince girls of this when they have held a fantasy wedding in their mind for decades. This might be the first major test of the ability of a couple to come to a reasonable compromise.

Then there is sex. It is wonderful when couples have about the same libido after they get married. But this might be a more difficult adjustment than anticipated. And it may be another reason for post-nuptial blues. Fortunately, most couples that truly love each other will work on doing their best to find ways to please one another in the bedroom. Sometimes it takes intentionality to connect or hold back more often than we would like.

The solution for a lot of these issues is often to lower your expectations if you are in a relationship with a partner who has high standards, flexibility and good character. If not, it may be time to move on.   

Embracing Confusion

Right now I am going through a major transition in my life – and it’s a good thing. Everyone around me is happy for me. It’s one of the goals I have had my heart set on for quite a while. But in the midst of this seemingly joyous time, I have some really perplexing feelings: loss, aloneness, anxiety and sadness along with relief, excitement and awareness of the expanded opportunities.

What in the world in going on in my head?

The word “confused” shows up so often in counseling. Although it may mean “I don’t understand”, more often it means I am in a dilemma and I don’t know what to choose. I must take a position but I am afraid to make the wrong decision. It can also mean that there are two seemingly opposite beliefs in play.

“He says he loves me but he keeps saying or doing stupid things that hurt me. What’s up with that?”

“She says she wants to support me, but all she does is criticize or blame me and I feel anything besides supported. Which one is it?”

The truth is probably that in both cases there is no intentional ill will. He does love you, but he fails to see how unloving some of his behavior can be. She does want to support you, but old habits die hard. It’s probably a family of origin issue. From a spiritual standpoint, the flesh can be pretty strong and difficult to manage.  

Confusion often gets us stuck. There does not seem to be a “right” answer. Am I happy or am I sad? Can I be both at the same time? How can I be a friend of God in my spiritual self, but an enemy of God in my sinfulness?

The truth is that peace may only come as we are able to hold both positions at the same time, knowing that we are complicated beings and capable of dealing with complexity. I am feeling a loss of a former career even as I am excited about what lies ahead. What do I need to let go of in order to not be held back? Are there things I have missed that are important, or am I worrying too much? The truth is that I probably have missed things along the way, and I am too anxious about it too.

What really helps is to take myself out of the center of all these issues. Frustration and confusion makes it all about me and I need to shift my perspective and try to see things differently. Do I consider other people? Can I rejoice and be grateful in all things, not for the pain but because I am loved by God?

All the Single Guys

It must be something inside guys from birth. I’ve been there many times. You sit with a list of possibilities – Ford, Chevy, Toyota, Honda, BMW, whichever. Or will it be Samsung, LG, Panasonic, Sony or Vizio. Then there are the options on each one. So many options, how can one decide? While you are stuck in indecision another year passes and another model becomes available. Now there is a whole new set of possibilites to factor in.

I think guys can be like that with relationships. Analysis paralysis strikes again.

Guys will get stuck kicking tires and slow down the experience being in the drivers seat of their own vehicle. Yes, they may test drive several along the way, but then give them back because of their uncertainty. And unfortunately they often return them empty of gas and covered with dirt. Have you ever washed a rental car? I think guys can treat the women that they date like that too sometimes. They use them and then leave them drained and sullied.

Are you one of those guys? I’m not saying you necessarily have bad intentions. You may seriously want to find a wife, and you are pretty good at treating women respectfully. But are you so stuck on finding “the perfect one” that you let the years and women roll by and never really get started? And then you wonder why women your age seem to be so anxious about getting married?

Or are you one of those guys that allow your relationship to drag on for years without making a decision? If you don’t know if she’s right within the first year then you will probably never know. Finish the job within two years or let her go find someone who will.

There is reality to a woman’s biological clock, and men just don’t feel pressured by it in the same way, (unless of course they are married to a wife who is). I don’t believe it is fair for men to negatively judge women who carry that desire to be married while childbearing is still possible or relatively easy. I think guys need to have more empathy.

Do women also look for the perfect man? Of course they do. But I think they are likely to become more realistic as time goes by and they hear that clock ticking. I think guys need to join them.

Are you holding back because you think you have to have it all together first -- the home, the career, the bank account? You don’t need to be a home owner – but you do need to have a job. And it’s good to have a realistic sense of where you are headed in life. If you are having a hard time getting a woman to say “yes” to a marriage proposal it may be because you lack these basics. Or it could be that you still need maturity in other areas as well. Are you prepared to make compromises for the sake of a relationship? Did you learn how to share as a kid? You will need that skill as a husband. Long term singleness can make both men and women pretty rigid and selfish sometimes.

Is it scary to think about giving up the freedom that comes with singleness? Yes it is. But is marriage good for men? Yes. Is it good for women? Yes. Is it good for children? Yes. And it is good for society as well.

If you like it ………     

All the Single Ladies

A while ago Nan read an interesting research statistic to me.

Men in leadership usually choose a team that will support them whereas women in leadership tend to choose a team that will challenge them.

As a business owner I have seen this dynamic in action as well. When a team member is seen as too aggressive or contrary, especially if there is an angry edge or a feeling of veiled anger, male leaders will often see them as someone who needs to be “handled”, isolated or eliminated, often to the surprise of the person who assumed that that was their role. Thinking that they are demonstrating competence and initiative, they are surprised when they are demoted rather than promoted.

I believe it is the same in relationships.

When a woman aggressively challenges her partner, he is likely to respond by creating some kind of distance, either by using anger to push her away, or by withdrawing physically or emotionally.

I know this can be confusing to a woman, who may see her behavior as an attempt at shared intimacy or connection or relational mutuality or equality. But most men will not interpret it the same way. He will often see it as threatening or disrespectful.

What can a woman do to feel more like a partner in the relationship? I would suggest an approach that would be labeled “gentle persuasion”. This is not nagging, which carries the tone of disappointment with the person, but rather an attitude of kind support, even though there is a difference of opinion.

I can admit that if it were not for Nan’s gentle persuasion, I would ignore many aspects of self care as well as social connection. Instead of showing irritation with me, she is just persistent. Do I like it? No, not really, but I know I need it. And it feels supportive rather than confrontational.

I have targeted this post for single ladies because there are many women who miss this or think this is unfair, but the result is that they don’t get chosen and they don’t know why. Or they do get chosen and then feel emotionally isolated down the road.

Dr. John Gottman (relationship expert par excellence) describes the divorce profile as:

“A husband unwilling to be influenced by his wife and a wife who starts quarrels harshly and with anger.”

So ladies I am suggesting that you become an expert at gentle influence and hopefully you will be in a relationship with a guy who will appreciate it.

On a Beach Far Far Away

My first experience with a “retreat” was as a child. And for me, it wasn’t so wonderful, and certainly not restful. It was some sort of Christian boy’s camp held at a ranch. It was called Green Acres or Green Oaks or something like that. I was put on a bus with a bunch of kids I didn’t know and told to sit down and be quiet “or else” by the guy in charge. Nice.

The highlights of that long weekend that I can remember were the ability to buy candy at the camp store if your parents had thought to give you some pocket money, and riding a mule that stopped every few feet to relieve itself.

My idea of a retreat today is somewhat different than my early experience. 

There are many kinds of retreats – personal development retreats, educational retreats, spiritual retreats, and just-leave-me-alone-so-I-won’t-go-nuts retreats. Some professions (like raising children) are probably most subject to the last one. I think I’ll call it an emergency retreat. It becomes necessary when the stressors of life overwhelm us. Although I have heard that you can “have a retreat in your own home”, somehow I think the vast majority of us can’t detach enough in our own environments in order to accomplish that. There are simply too many things calling out for attention.

God’s plan for us is to have times of rest. If you are a motivated leader in any capacity, rest may feel like a low priority and an unneeded interruption in a busy life. But those who do not build rest into their lives may find unscheduled “retreats” in the form of doctor or hospital visits. Pastors, counselors, business leaders and medical professionals often fall into this category. But it is not just leaders that need to detach. Employees who work in high stress environments are subject to burnout and overload as well. Taking a couple of mental health days is better than a week of sick days.

Most people will have to have a planned retreat built into their lives. So often a vacation is not a restful retreat, especially if it involves children. A retreat should be free from daily responsibilities, and where kids are involved that is simply not possible. Also, many people make vacations heavy on activities – and that’s not the purpose of a retreat.

On retreats I want to have space to think, to dream, and to recreate without pressure to perform. I also want to be able to spend time with positive sensory input, in other words, just feeling stuff. I like long stretches of uninterrupted “being”, and not doing. I often wrestle with a feeling of anxiety for not accomplishing anything concrete. But then I remind myself that that is precisely the point. I am dealing with the intangibles of life that nourish the soul, like spending time with just me and God. All good retreats offered by churches and other organizations include a heavy dose of this separate time, away from the planned events and connect time.

Recently I posted a question on Facebook asking where you would most like to spend time in retreat: desert, mountain or beach. I would like to ask it here as well. Use the comment box below to describe your favorite formal or informal retreat setting.        

Unequally Yoked in Dating

One of my clients provoked me to consider the admonition in Scripture for Christians to not be unequally yoked. Most believers would agree that it is clear that it applies in marriage – that a believer should not marry an unbeliever. But what about dating someone who is in a very different spiritual place?

To begin with, what is a yoke? It is something that ties two things together, historically a piece of wood joining two working animals. It lets them pull together and share the load. The animals need to be well matched so that one does not work harder than the other. It also helps them to be going in the same direction.

What happens when we try to pull in different directions?

We will probably get stuck or be in conflict. We will struggle to move forward. Oftentimes what are in conflict are our morals and values. How will we spend our time? What will we watch on television or see at the movies? What do we consider fun? How will we spend our money? What are the physical boundaries on our relationship? What do we believe about cohabitation?   

These same questions can largely be applied to friendships as well. I believe that too much rigidity in this area produces harshness, which is not consistent with our goal of loving people. But friendships can turn into dating relationships, so we must be careful to know where to draw the line. We can have very moral friends that agree with our values, but it breaks down when we get to spiritual matters. We would not want to be married to someone who does not share our faith, our passion for God or our commitment to the church.

So where does that leave us?

We must be very careful not to form romantic bonds with someone who is not aligned with our spiritual journey. That does not mean that they must experience God in the same way that we do – some relate best to God through worship music while others are deeply moved by the study of scripture. Still others are very contemplative in their style – but the focus and the goal is the same. We must be in agreement on the essentials of our faith.

I really feel for those who have difficultly finding dates, who are lonely, and welcome any connection with someone of the opposite sex. And I also feel sad for those who have formed unequal relationships that put them in a lot of conflict with their personal values, especially those who are married.  

I would love to hear any comments you might have on this subject. Please use the comment box below. 

Double Binds

Have you ever felt the frustration of being in a double bind? I know I have one time or another, and I have certainly seen it unfold before me in many counseling situations. I can hear Nan say during those sessions: “Stop! You’re putting him in a double bind.”

A double bind is a no win situation. A person is given two conflictual messages, where choosing one negates the other. If the messages both come from one person, the receiver is frozen in his/her response. This is a classic “mixed message”.

If the messages come from different people, it would result in a situation in which either compliance or noncompliance with either alternative threatens one of the relationships.

The strain from these situations can be enormous. When there does not seem to be a possible solution, the person will often suffer a great deal of anxiety, fear or anger. This will either result in an emotional shutdown and withdrawal, or an aggressive response that creates relational separation.

Some classic double binds: 

• A wife who complains of needing more income, but then criticizes her husband for working overtime and not spending enough time with the family 

• A husband who challenges his wife to exercise and stay fit, but complains when she spends too much time at the gym 

• A boss who needs an employee to work more overtime, and a spouse who complains that too much time is spent at work 

• A wife who wants her husband to be transparent with his feelings, but then gets angry with what he shares 

• A husband who tells his wife that she needs to take more time for herself, but refuses to stay home and take care of the children so that she can 

• A wife who complains that she isn’t complimented enough, but then tells her husband that “he doesn’t really mean it” when he does

• Giving a child two negative choices and expecting an answer

Of course you can switch genders on any of these husband-wife scenarios, but the result is the same – someone is in a double bind. 

So how do you avoid double binds? 

If you are the speaker – play the message forward in your head before you say it. You may see the trouble ahead with your request. Do you really want to know what he feels? Or do you just want him to say positive things about you and your relationship? Do you really want her to be spending more time away from home working out at a gym or some other place?

What if you are on the receiving end? Stay calm and say something like: “I am puzzled. There does not seem to be a positive outcome possible. Can you help me?” The next step would be trying to find a compromise that would satisfy both people. It might mean lowering your expectations and seeking emotional connection first.

Psalm 34:14 says to "seek peace and pursue it". Putting someone in a double bind certainly destroys their peace. Being in a double bind destroys yours.

Control Freak

The label “Micro-manager” is really a nice way of saying “Control Freak”.  We all know what it feels like to have someone hover over us, whether it is a parent, a boss, a manager or a spouse. It doesn’t feel good. The message that it conveys is clear “I don’t trust your judgment, your willingness, or your ability to gets things accomplished without my interference.”

Although some people may need to step up their level of responsibility and commitment in order to be acceptable self-managers, many others will shrink if they encounter this kind of external pressure. Their creativity and productivity may actually suffer because they feel constricted by an over-control of their person-hood.

What motivates a person to become a control freak?

One possibility is anxiety. They have an internal pressure to achieve a certain goal, and believe that people have the power to block that goal. So they feel they must control people at a detailed level in order to ensure success. When they encounter resistance, which is inevitable, it just reinforces their need to control, which triggers further resistance. A negative cycle has been established.

Another possibility is a need for significance. If people can do their job without me interfering, does that mean that I am unnecessary? Will I then micromanage to prove that I am valuable? Will my insecurity lead to interpersonal conflict and perhaps relational chaos?  

Thirdly, am I a narcissist? Do I believe that I know better and therefore people need to pay attention to me? This personality type will hold contempt for any person who does not acknowledge the superiority of their abilities and follow their minute instructions without question. A hostile narcissist will have few friends. A nice narcissist may not have many intimate friends.

The solution is to manage agreements, not people. If you have clear agreements, then you can have clear expectations instead of unspoken or hopeful ones. Managing the agreement means talking about the possible blocks to achieving the desired goal, removing them when discovered, and then letting go of the process.

What’s important here is first being a clear communicator. Can you get your message across? Also, it is not enough to state what you want. You must also have a concrete commitment from the other person. Just because you say it, does not mean it is agreed upon. Silence from the other person does not mean tacit approval or agreement. It may actually mean they do not agree, or are thinking about it.

If you are a micro-manager, it will be hard to let go of control. You will likely need to learn to control your inner conversation and inner conflict by offering grace to yourself first. But you will enjoy better and deeper relationships if you can.   

Mentored By Strangers

Whenever Nan & I go on vacation we always take along a stack-full of ‘mentors’.

Yes, we are talking about books (and CD’s & DVD’s). Some of the books we take along are fiction (who doesn’t enjoy a good Grisham on vacation). But we also take books that tend to help us re-create – after all, that’s what recreation is, right?

Over the years the authors of these books have served as spiritual as well as professional mentors to us. Fortunately for us most of these authors are living today, and we have been able to meet several of them over time thanks to our home church, Christian Assembly in Los Angeles.

Meeting such authors as Henry Cloud, John Eldredge, Larry Crabb, Arch Hart, etc. is optional for most of us. But the wisdom they are able to impart through their materials is available for anyone who would want to read or listen. I cannot overestimate the impact that these fine men and women have had over our lives.

Anyone who knows me (Dave) well would say, “He’s always reading something – always talking about some book or article.”   And that would be true. I don’t see growth apart from an active life of curiosity for more depth of learning.

For example, I have been meditating on a sentence from the book “Living From The Heart Jesus Gave You” – written by several authors (published by Shepherd’s House) on redemption:

"Redemption means that out of our greatest pain, can come our most profound mission in life."

How does that apply to me? How does that apply to you? Are we living out that mission, or have we failed to face our pain and continuing to live in that unhealed pain and living a defeated life?

Another great statement is the major premise from both of Peter Scazzero’s books “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” and “The Emotionally Healthy Church:

“It is not possible for a Christian to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.”

Wow – quite a statement. At what stage of emotional or spiritual maturity am I? How is it defined? Fortunately, all of the authors are in agreement and spend time defining stages of maturity.

Again from the book ”Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You”:

"As a whole, our American culture does poorly in the area of maturation, and, sadly enough, the majority of our population probably operates at the infant or child level of maturity."

My mentors push me to become more informed, more mature, more committed and more relevant. And I don’t even have to know them personally. I just have to be intentional in my pursuit of growth.

But one warning: you must be careful who you let mentor you – I try to know as much as I can about the authors and check out their ‘wisdom’ against the teaching of the Bible.

"But there were also false prophets among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you. They will secretly introduce destructive heresies, even denying the sovereign Lord who bought them bringing swift destruction on themselves."
2 Peter 2:1