The Gift of Silence

Somewhere in the first half of our marriage Nan and I took a vacation break and drove up the coast of California for a weekend getaway. You might call it a sanity break. Los Angeles is noisy and busy most of the time. It was on this road trip that I became aware of something for the first time. There was an undeniable intimacy between the two of us. How did I come to this conclusion? We had just spent 2 hours driving in the car without talking. And we weren’t mad at each other, just content with being together.

We did not need constant conversation to reassure ourselves that everything was OK.  

As I sit here by myself on another sanity break, I am up before anyone else, watching the sunrise. I am listening for God’s voice. I realize that the world is never silent. I can hear a cacophony of birds, the crash of waves, the rustling of trees. But this is as silent as the world gets without locking myself in a soundproof studio.

Why is silence a gift?

It’s a gift because it is so rare.  If you have kids you really know what I’m talking about. Kids are not silent except when they are sleeping (or maybe mad). My workplace is never silent and I’ll bet yours isn’t either. But in silence I can really tune in to my thought life, my inner conversation, in a way that I can’t when the world around me is too noisy. Only in silence can I really hear.

I want this for Nan, not just for me. I need her to hear from God, to sort out her thoughts in order to make good decisions for us. She can’t do that effectively in a constantly noisy environment. That is one of the reasons we gave up television a number of years back. It was hard for us to control its pull on us, so we got rid of it. (OK, we had Netflix for a couple of years - but Nan traded it in for Hallmark)

Silence in counseling is powerful. I ask a question and wait – and wait – and wait some more. It feels awkward for the untrained, but for a seasoned counselor it is an important tool. It allows a client to search deeper and more comprehensively. I compare it to a search on my computer’s hard drive – sometimes it takes a while to come up with the information I am seeking.

I know that for some of us silence was used as a punishment or deterrent when growing up. It can be a powerful control mechanism. Kids can become anxious when a parent goes silent, even when they are not the target of the anger. It might be the calm before the storm hits and so silence becomes an enemy. 

Does your anxiety or insecurity keep you talking? Is this a habit that needs to be broken or are you already good at this? Being a good listener requires the ability to endure silence.   

If this is a struggle for you, try this exercise with someone you care about. Agree to be together in silence for a period of time. You choose the amount of time – 10 minutes, a half hour, whatever. Be aware of how you are feeling, and then discuss it with the other person. Ask the person how it was for them.

Silence is powerful when it is not used to punish, or avoid or shut out another person, but rather to offer a precious gift. 

It Matters Who Influences You

Throughout my late teens and twenties and into my early thirties I hung around a lot of pretty accomplished musicians. We were committed to playing music and pursuing “feel good” experiences. We were serious about the music, career and friendship, but lacked life direction and had rather short term plans and goals. Along with the positive focus were also destructive behaviors with potentially disastrous consequences.

Then when my forties were in full swing I started meeting with a group of about a dozen guys on a weekly basis (mostly) that lasted about twenty years. This group was composed of men from both our church and others. The common theme was unity in our purpose to grow and mature spiritually.

The contrast between the two sets of groups is stark. You might dismiss my earlier group’s lack of focus as simply typical of our youthful age, but that would not be entirely accurate. My latter group had guys of a variety of ages over the years, and some were quite young. The difference was the guiding values that motivated each group.

These days as I counsel I often ask myself “Who is influencing this person?” Sometimes I ask the question to a person outright, and sometimes I just ask the question in my heart. The answer to this question will have a lot to do with the direction the sessions will take. Are the influencers fueling anger, bitterness, and resentment, or are they encouraging and giving support for godly values?

My earlier group of friends would have given me advice like:

    “You don’t have to put up with that.”

    “There’s plenty of fish in the sea”

    “Go for it. You won’t get caught.”

My latter group would say:

“Have you owned your part?”

    “Have you gone to the mat and done everything you can do?”

    “Don’t give up. You’re the right man for the job.”

    “You’re following your feelings, not God.”

Sometimes we have to cut ties or at least censor the content of our conversations with those that are pressing us to adopt ideas that are in conflict with our beliefs and values. It’s really hard to resist asking for their advice when you know they will offer support that moves us away from our places of pain. But pain has a nasty habit of finding us by a different route when we try to avoid it. Perhaps you can relate?

Kind Friendliness – Does It Need Some Work?

I have been reflecting on a time when we experienced a lot of kind friendliness. This is a term Nan uses when I am grumpy. She will say “I need your kind friendliness.” I know what she means. My grumpiness tends to translate into a more critical or negative behavior.

We had been dealing with quite a few new people as we set up a vacation cabin, and what we experienced is a lot of genuinely nice people. What makes them that way? Is it just good customer service training? I don’t think so. I believe it goes deeper than that.

The attitude might be a result of living in a less densely populated area. Or perhaps it might be the result of being in a community where people need to rely on each other much more because of fewer options. We have experienced this kind of attitude in rural Hawaii also. The people take time with each other. They are not in a hurry to move on. As our pastor Mark would say, there is not the mindset of “chop, chop, get it done!” In Hawaii they pause to “talk story.”

I experience this “kind friendliness” at church all the time. I believe it is because we genuinely like our church community and we have intentionally cultivated this attitude towards each other. I am not sure we have slowed down to the extent we have been enjoying in the cabin location, but it seems a marked contrast to the busy Los Angeles culture.

I wonder how many relationships lack kind friendliness? Yes, I mean romantic relationships, but also other kinds as well. Sometimes I treat strangers better than I do family members. I smile more and am more patient with them. I might respond that I am more “real” with people that are closer to me, but does that mean that I should treat them with less kindness or respect?

It is true that close relationships require us to develop more resiliency. The more intimate the relationship, the more necessary it will be to give and receive forgiveness readily, particularly for small offenses. But I want to draw as little on the goodwill that exists as I am able.

Things I can do to promote kind friendliness:

• Ask for what I want, not what I don’t want or like.
• Watch my tone. Do I sound harsh, critical or cold?
• Use the “sandwich” technique: affirmation – request – affirmation.
• Smile, make eye contact while communicating, assume positive intent from the other person.   

People who are not easily annoyed are more likely to be able to express themselves with kindness and patience. It is having a Christ-like attitude toward others, and living out the second greatest commandment: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself" Matt 22:39.