In Defense Of Marriage

 Inspired by a friend’s post, I thought I better say some positive words about marriage. In my day, getting married was a no-brainer. It was just part of the natural progression of life. It was accepted as a good thing and most everyone expected to get there sooner rather than later.

What followed was an era of radical social upheaval that has left a lot of people confused about marriage, its value, its risks and its benefits. Attitudes about sex, cohabitation, children outside of marriage and what constitutes parents are constantly shifting. As a result, what used to be unquestioned in the general culture is now a muddled issue.

As counselors we have been more worried that people would go into marriage unprepared, and therefore they would become less likely to sustain a marriage when challenges hit. So I think to some degree we have talked more about the potential pitfalls than the inherent benefits. As a result, perhaps we have made some people more cautious about marriage than excited. As I stated earlier, it used to be that the benefits were assumed.

Although social norms may have changed, people have not. We still all have basic longings for love, security, significance, being known, sexuality, and companionship. All of these things are best achieved in a committed relationship. For thousands of years we have called this marriage.

I think myths hold people back from marriage or even relationship.

“Women are only interested in a guy’s earning potential – their money.”

“Men are only interested in sex, not love”

These fears of being taken advantage of or being unloved or inadequate are usually just that – fears. Men also want love and women also want sex. And they both need money to live. Two people of good character and intentions will work those things out in a marriage. Sex and financial stability are actually two advantages in marriage for both men and women. Married couples overwhelmingly have higher success in both those areas. (And married men live longer than single men.)

Anyone who has been alone for any length of time knows the pain that often accompanies singleness. It becomes more acute during holidays and other social events. Some people might like having the freedom (control) of making all life’s decisions without having to factor in another’s opinion, but others just feel the burden. It’s harder to dream alone, go on vacations alone, and get older alone. Community is helpful, even essential, but not the same.

I was talking to a friend this week, and she was saying how life was so much simpler without children (her oldest just became an adolescent). But she said it was not better, just easier – she could not imagine doing life without her kids. The same can be said about marriage.

Ecclesiastes 4: ⁹ Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. ¹⁰ If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.

Get Rich Quick!

One of things that I have realized over my life is that the same truths keep being recycled in each generation. They may be packaged differently, but the basic underlying principles remain.

At first, I thought “How boring. Everyone knows that! There is no need to repeat that.”

But the truth is, everyone doesn’t know that. It takes repeating and remembering for a known truth to be perpetuated. The Bible talks about this repeatedly. It is the foundational premise behind building altars and sustaining markers.

“Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” (Deuteronomy 6:7-9)

One of those biblical truths for me has been this: Live on less than you earn.

Let me be clear. This does not include the credit available on charge cards or the minimum payments allowable. It means that if you are not able to pay off the balances each month on a charge card, you are not living on less than you earn.

It also goes for most loans (home mortgage excepted). I have bought beater cars to stay within budget, used and donated furniture to stay within budget and many other strategies so that I did not have to take out a loan. I have not always done this – I have learned by experience, meaning I have made mistakes. I have taken out car and appliance loans (even a boat loan) and not paid off credit card balances – and I really wish I had all that interest in my bank account instead of in the loan company’s coffers.

In this culture you will have many opposing voices to this basic, sound and time-tested advice. You will hear about leveraging this and strategizing that. But each one of those concepts will take away from your peace and freedom. King Solomon gives us his wisdom in the Bible.

• "Wealth from get-rich-quick schemes quickly disappears; wealth from hard work grows over time." (Proverbs 13:11) 
• "The trustworthy person will get a rich reward, but a person who wants quick riches will get into trouble." (Proverbs 28:20) 
• "Greedy people try to get rich quick but don’t realize they’re headed for poverty." (Proverbs 28:22) 
• "Just as the rich rule the poor, so the borrower is servant to the lender." (Proverbs 22:7) 

Following the ‘live on less than you earn” strategy will often feel harsh because it means embracing delayed gratification as a way of life, at least for a while. And it is definitely not the message of the greater Western culture. It is not the message of entitlement and “you deserve” thinking. Rather, it is the voice of contentment and stability.

Every new generation needs to hear this message. Smart parents will make sure that they follow this and pass it on.

The Gift of Silence

Somewhere in the first half of our marriage Nan and I took a vacation break and drove up the coast of California for a weekend getaway. You might call it a sanity break. Los Angeles is noisy and busy most of the time. It was on this road trip that I became aware of something for the first time. There was an undeniable intimacy between the two of us. How did I come to this conclusion? We had just spent 2 hours driving in the car without talking. And we weren’t mad at each other, just content with being together.

We did not need constant conversation to reassure ourselves that everything was OK.  

As I sit here by myself on another sanity break, I am up before anyone else, watching the sunrise. I am listening for God’s voice. I realize that the world is never silent. I can hear a cacophony of birds, the crash of waves, the rustling of trees. But this is as silent as the world gets without locking myself in a soundproof studio.

Why is silence a gift?

It’s a gift because it is so rare.  If you have kids you really know what I’m talking about. Kids are not silent except when they are sleeping (or maybe mad). My workplace is never silent and I’ll bet yours isn’t either. But in silence I can really tune in to my thought life, my inner conversation, in a way that I can’t when the world around me is too noisy. Only in silence can I really hear.

I want this for Nan, not just for me. I need her to hear from God, to sort out her thoughts in order to make good decisions for us. She can’t do that effectively in a constantly noisy environment. That is one of the reasons we gave up television a number of years back. It was hard for us to control its pull on us, so we got rid of it. (OK, we had Netflix for a couple of years - but Nan traded it in for Hallmark)

Silence in counseling is powerful. I ask a question and wait – and wait – and wait some more. It feels awkward for the untrained, but for a seasoned counselor it is an important tool. It allows a client to search deeper and more comprehensively. I compare it to a search on my computer’s hard drive – sometimes it takes a while to come up with the information I am seeking.

I know that for some of us silence was used as a punishment or deterrent when growing up. It can be a powerful control mechanism. Kids can become anxious when a parent goes silent, even when they are not the target of the anger. It might be the calm before the storm hits and so silence becomes an enemy. 

Does your anxiety or insecurity keep you talking? Is this a habit that needs to be broken or are you already good at this? Being a good listener requires the ability to endure silence.   

If this is a struggle for you, try this exercise with someone you care about. Agree to be together in silence for a period of time. You choose the amount of time – 10 minutes, a half hour, whatever. Be aware of how you are feeling, and then discuss it with the other person. Ask the person how it was for them.

Silence is powerful when it is not used to punish, or avoid or shut out another person, but rather to offer a precious gift.