Expectations

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Eph 5:21

When we talk about expectations, in terms of relationships, we are usually referring to the behavioral aspects of a relationship; the roles that we are assuming the other will play and the rules that they will follow when we are united.  But, I’ve found that people not only have subconscious expectations of what a person should “do”, but often also who they should ‘be’ or become. This can be the most frustrating and demoralizing thing about the first few years of marriage.

An example of this is when a woman marries a guy who is kind and easy going, and then when married, expects him to become the leader and to be assertive (in the ways she wants him to lead, of course).

Or a man who marries a career gal, who is assertive and motivated, and then wants her to settle down and take care of him and raise kids instead, when this is not something about which they had agreed.

In our pre-marriage class we say, “What you see is what you get.”  If your future mate is laid back and quiet, well, that’s what you get.  If your beloved is upbeat and an extrovert, well, that’s what you get. If you can’t live with them the way they are, don’t choose that person.

What aspects of the person you are dating or married to are the most difficult for you, or the most different from who you are? What adjustments will you have to make to accommodate your differences?

If you are not yet married, how far are you willing to bend, rather than asking him or her to change? Or, if your partner’s behavior is really a problem, how willing are they to develop a new life pattern before you get married? The answers to these questions may predict either a satisfying or a conflicted marriage.

What if you are already married and realize that you did not give enough thought to these questions before you tied the knot?

My only answer is that you must work on mutual acceptance. You must focus on the positive aspects of the relationship that drew you together in the first place. There may be opportunities along the way for you and your partner to grow in the direction of your desires, but change is slow and hard and must be encouraged with kindness.

There may be grief involved in accepting the loss of the way you had hoped things would be. But there is also peace that comes with letting go of unrealistic expectations. 

Are You in a Relationship with a Mean Cat?

Somewhere around third grade I remember visiting a friend from school. He had cats; our family had dogs (and rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, birds, fish and turtles). We loved our pets – they were a significant part of our upbringing. But I wasn’t familiar with cats, and so I was shocked when my friend’s cat turned from purring as I stroked it, to sinking its teeth in me. I’m not talking about a friendly nip, but an aggressive chomp. But as surprised and upset as I was, retaliation was not an option that I considered. 

I bring this up because kindness to animals is a good indicator of character. 

There are psychological disorders where cruelty to animals can be a symptom – Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is one and so is Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopathy). This disregard for animals may eventually translate into abuse (emotional or physical) towards you or those you love. People with these disorders lack empathy. They are not able to identify with the pain of others and so may inflict it carelessly or even with delight! This might be something that can be overlooked or ignored when evaluating a relationship. I’m not implying that you should be looking for and diagnosing a disorder, but rather being aware of unusual behavior. 

I also have concerns about people who hold the value of an animal above or at the same level as people. I believe somewhere along the way they have picked up hurts that have not been resolved. Although God has given life to both humans and animals, He has given a special position to those who have been made in His image. 

A person can be a mean cat, too.

I have always maintained that another good predictor of character is the way a person treats people who serve them, whether a wait person in a restaurant, an employee or a public servant. I watch people in positions of power to see how they care for people. Does the person you are in a relationship with have a natural demeanor of humility or do they seem to think of themselves as better than others? It’s possible that they may see you as inferior in time, and will treat you accordingly. 

We can be confused by what we may view as “high standards” in a person, when in reality it is really a critical spirit or an arrogant attitude. Good character displays good values, and good values include kindness and acceptance of others. Harshness is the result of a cold and unforgiving heart. 

I have friends that naturally seek out those who might normally be disregarded by others, and treat them as equals. I really admire that quality in them. I believe they experience life and love at a deeper level. Their hearts are tuned to a different frequency than most people. You might say they are tuned to a “God frequency”. They take the gift of compassion to a whole new level. 

I think this is a good verse to use for these kinds of evaluations: 

Romans 12:3 - For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

When the New Year is Not Happy

I love the excitement that people generally have as a new year approaches. It’s as if all the bad stuff is left behind and only the hopeful is ahead. I have spent many a New Year’s Day feeling this way. There had been a new musical instrument or accessory under the Christmas tree waiting to be mastered or vacation plans in the works for the coming year. But for some the new year doesn’t seem so delightful.

What if the phrase “Happy New Year” doesn’t ring true for you?

• You were hoping for an engagement ring, but it didn’t happen. 

• It feels like the best years are behind you.     

• It’s another year where you are disappointed with your job or can’t find work. 

• You were hoping that family relationships would have been mended for this holiday season, but it just got worse. 

• It looks like another year ahead feeling alone, overwhelmed and broke. 

• Your cancer treatments are ahead of you, not behind.

I don’t have something to propose that will solve all these problems – but you already knew that. You have probably been told repeatedly that life isn’t fair and (unhelpfully) told to just get over it.

What I do have to offer is this: 

Life is always better when you do it with others, in community.

When you are sad or discouraged, connecting with others might be the last thing you want to do. But I assure you, it is the best strategy. There are just some circumstances that are more than you can handle – they are just too heavy. But God has advised us not to try to bear them alone. Galations 6:2 says: "Share each other's burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ." When you tell others your story, an exchange takes place that cannot be measured, but it can be felt.

Even in the worst of times we can also work on our gratitude list. There are always things we can be thankful for. It is a very individual list – I can show you mine, but yours will be different. For those of us who are in Christ, there is a life ahead without suffering, and for all, a life today where we are deeply loved by Him, even when we don’t feel it.

The other thing we can do is to dream. Dreams cost nothing and they travel everywhere. They can be big or small, but they say “I am not finished with life.” 

"When you cease to dream you cease to live."  Malcolm Forbes