It Matters Who Influences You

Throughout my late teens and twenties and into my early thirties I hung around a lot of pretty accomplished musicians. We were committed to playing music and pursuing “feel good” experiences. We were serious about the music, career and friendship, but lacked life direction and had rather short term plans and goals. Along with the positive focus were also destructive behaviors with potentially disastrous consequences.

Then when my forties were in full swing I started meeting with a group of about a dozen guys on a weekly basis (mostly) that lasted about twenty years. This group was composed of men from both our church and others. The common theme was unity in our purpose to grow and mature spiritually.

The contrast between the two sets of groups is stark. You might dismiss my earlier group’s lack of focus as simply typical of our youthful age, but that would not be entirely accurate. My latter group had guys of a variety of ages over the years, and some were quite young. The difference was the guiding values that motivated each group.

These days as I counsel I often ask myself “Who is influencing this person?” Sometimes I ask the question to a person outright, and sometimes I just ask the question in my heart. The answer to this question will have a lot to do with the direction the sessions will take. Are the influencers fueling anger, bitterness, and resentment, or are they encouraging and giving support for godly values?

My earlier group of friends would have given me advice like:

    “You don’t have to put up with that.”

    “There’s plenty of fish in the sea”

    “Go for it. You won’t get caught.”

My latter group would say:

“Have you owned your part?”

    “Have you gone to the mat and done everything you can do?”

    “Don’t give up. You’re the right man for the job.”

    “You’re following your feelings, not God.”

Sometimes we have to cut ties or at least censor the content of our conversations with those that are pressing us to adopt ideas that are in conflict with our beliefs and values. It’s really hard to resist asking for their advice when you know they will offer support that moves us away from our places of pain. But pain has a nasty habit of finding us by a different route when we try to avoid it. Perhaps you can relate?

Kind Friendliness – Does It Need Some Work?

I have been reflecting on a time when we experienced a lot of kind friendliness. This is a term Nan uses when I am grumpy. She will say “I need your kind friendliness.” I know what she means. My grumpiness tends to translate into a more critical or negative behavior.

We had been dealing with quite a few new people as we set up a vacation cabin, and what we experienced is a lot of genuinely nice people. What makes them that way? Is it just good customer service training? I don’t think so. I believe it goes deeper than that.

The attitude might be a result of living in a less densely populated area. Or perhaps it might be the result of being in a community where people need to rely on each other much more because of fewer options. We have experienced this kind of attitude in rural Hawaii also. The people take time with each other. They are not in a hurry to move on. As our pastor Mark would say, there is not the mindset of “chop, chop, get it done!” In Hawaii they pause to “talk story.”

I experience this “kind friendliness” at church all the time. I believe it is because we genuinely like our church community and we have intentionally cultivated this attitude towards each other. I am not sure we have slowed down to the extent we have been enjoying in the cabin location, but it seems a marked contrast to the busy Los Angeles culture.

I wonder how many relationships lack kind friendliness? Yes, I mean romantic relationships, but also other kinds as well. Sometimes I treat strangers better than I do family members. I smile more and am more patient with them. I might respond that I am more “real” with people that are closer to me, but does that mean that I should treat them with less kindness or respect?

It is true that close relationships require us to develop more resiliency. The more intimate the relationship, the more necessary it will be to give and receive forgiveness readily, particularly for small offenses. But I want to draw as little on the goodwill that exists as I am able.

Things I can do to promote kind friendliness:

• Ask for what I want, not what I don’t want or like.
• Watch my tone. Do I sound harsh, critical or cold?
• Use the “sandwich” technique: affirmation – request – affirmation.
• Smile, make eye contact while communicating, assume positive intent from the other person.   

People who are not easily annoyed are more likely to be able to express themselves with kindness and patience. It is having a Christ-like attitude toward others, and living out the second greatest commandment: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself" Matt 22:39. 

Are You Superior?

I remember listening to our pastor talk about feeling superior one Sunday morning (and why it is a sin) and it triggered a thought about counseling and one misunderstanding that can occur. We often dig through a client’s personal history in an attempt to find root causes of certain behaviors. It is very helpful in making sense of why people do the things they do. But there is a danger, particularly when it comes to issues relating to one's family of origin. What is that danger? It is possible that this discovery can be used to excuse bad behavior and/or not make necessary changes. After all, it’s not our fault that we act the way we do. We were victims of a bad childhood, bad parenting, etc. Right?

And we can use psychological posturing to act superior to people in our past and present.  

I have seen this attitude when one spouse has had more counseling than the other. There is a smugness that emerges that communicates “I know better than you do because of my past experience with this process”. These clients will often try to form an alliance with the counselor in order to get the upper hand. Certainly familiarity with counseling can be helpful when it is not used as a way to gain power or advantage, when it is understood that we are all broken and in need of healing.

Understand that I am talking to myself as well. I can assume this stance too easily since I wade in deep psychological and emotional water during many of my days. If I am not careful I might not allow enough time for clients to fully express themselves before I start forming my opinions. That arrogance leaves me vulnerable to errors and perhaps a lack of accurate empathy – and that’s the last thing I desire as a counselor.  

It is not easy to call someone out on their sin. It is much easier to talk about psychological issues resulting from someone else’s behavior. The risk is joining in a blame-shifting party which is not helpful for a client or a friend. It’s also easier to blame a disorder for everything toxic in a person’s life. I am not minimizing the effect that a disorder has on someone’s life, but it does not usually cover everything. There is still a degree of choice involved with most people – free will, if you will. The condition of my heart will affect the way I deal with situations and people.

We are made up of mind, spirit and body – and they interact to make up who we are as a whole person. To ignore one aspect is to forego an essential element of our being. Each part helps keep the other parts in balance. That is why I must allow my spirit to inform my mind, my emotions, and my behaviors. Integrity means integrating all the pieces of me into one cohesive self. When I submit myself to God, He instead becomes superior in my life and I do not assume that posture, but rather one of humility before Him and others. And at that point I am free.