Hard and Soft Boundaries

Healthy boundaries protect marriages, relationships and children.

I heard a true story of a rural elementary school that was built on a large piece of real estate. When it was built there was no need to fence it in because there were no safety dangers. The teachers on yard duty just had to keep an eye on the group as they played during recess. As time went on, the adjacent area grew busier and the rural streets were paved and car traffic came closer to the school. The teachers had to set an imaginary boundary for the kids quite a distance from the street for safety. But now the kids’ play area was greatly curtailed. The balls would often roll into the “forbidden zone”, but the kids couldn’t fetch them without adult assistance.

Eventually a high fence was constructed around the play area close to the street that included the formerly off-limits part. The kids could once again use the entire playground because it was safe. Where the imaginary line had been mostly adequate, it had still carried some limitations and risk. This is a great example of soft vs. hard boundaries.

Whether hard or soft, when boundaries are used appropriately they are designed to protect. In relationships they either protect us or others, or both. In abusive relationships, toxic boundaries are usually set to control or manipulate others (“Do that one more time and I leave!”) A soft boundary I might set is to avoid talking about a particular subject (like politics) with certain people. I do not want to cut off the relationship, but I do want to avoid the danger zone. 

Another soft boundary might be with time issues. With someone who is constantly late, I might be flexible to a certain degree – but when they are excessively late I may confront them or cancel an appointment or date. In this case I extend some grace but protect them from my anger or resentment when they push my limit.

When interventions are done with addicts, the family and friends always set a “bottom line”. This is a classic hard boundary – and it is absolutely necessary. It is usually very difficult for the family, but love for the addict compels them to suffer the pain of setting and following through no matter what. But if they waffle on the hard boundary in any way the intervention will be a failure. Softer boundaries can be set when the addict completes treatment.

Setting Boundaries

I hate to set boundaries. I don’t like conflict. I hate for people to be displeased with me. But when we set boundaries, people will be angry or disappointed with us. It is unavoidable. I have had family members voice this to me directly. But I am willing to endure the discomfort in favor of emotional health.

Sometimes we set hard boundaries because we are unwilling to navigate the uncertain waters of softer ones. This is a mistake because it often wrecks or ends relationships. We have to be very careful not to set limits with anger or hostility. The goal is not to punish, but protect.

How about you? Do you struggle with this issue? Do you have a hard time settings limits, perhaps because of codependency? Are you harsh in the way you handle disappointments with people? Are you in denial about the need for certain limits in your life? Are you suffering because you are afraid to make a healthy choice, even when you know it must be done?

Those who are in abusive relationships often struggle the most with this issue. If this is you, get some help. Strengthen yourself by enlisting a support team and experiencing the kind of freedom that God would want for you. You might start by reading the book “Boundaries” by Cloud & Townsend.  

What Kind Of Justice Do You Seek?

For quite a while I have been wrestling with the concepts of fairness and justice. It has certainly been kicked around for hundreds and thousands of years in so many contexts. And for Nan and me it gets talked about a lot in counseling with couples, particularly.

Who is the judge?

If you have ever been around a divorcing couple trying to work out child custody issues, you will likely be torn between both sides of the requests. Each can make really good points why they should have primary custody. They both may have really good arguments about time distribution and money allocation. That is why a judge is required. But what does the judge offer? An opinion.

Issues of fairness are always the result of an opinion. But opinions by definition are not facts, even when they are based on facts. And opinions are biased, even when the judge is doing the best that he/she can do to be neutral. Why? We are human, flawed, and our opinions are formed by our experience and our feelings.

I must say that I often set myself up to be the judge of fairness, as if I have all the facts, all the necessary criteria to make a definitive pronouncement. I remember one time pointing out to friend of mine that he was wearing two different colored socks and that they didn’t match. He assured me that they did match because they were the same thickness. I made a judgment based on my criterion, but he was using a different set of criteria. Who was right?

Why is this important?

When I speak to the issues of fairness and justice I must be careful that I am not assuming the position of absolute moral authority which belongs to God alone. I may be operating out of a blind spot that is damaging to my relationships. My position of certainty may betray my lack of humility and my ability to empathize with others. In the past Nan used to say to me; “Dave, you are too convinced of your own opinion!” Unfortunately, she was right. Of course she wasn’t only speaking of this issue, but of a general blind spot resulting from narcissistic tendencies.

Is it fair or just the way I sometimes treat Nan? Is it fair or just the way she sometimes reacts to me? Would it be fair for her to label me based on her educational training? Would it be fair if I resisted the label? I’m sure that you might have an opinion – but is fair to hold it?

Be careful around these issues. Yes, some things are evil and totally unacceptable and there would be little or no disagreement among civilized people. But with few exceptions, most of what we encounter on a daily basis do not fall into these categories. Remember at all times that love should be our goal (1 Cor. 14:1).

Psalm 9:8 (NLT)  He (God) will judge the world with justice and rule the nations with fairness.

Are Your Words An Encouragement?

 

“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” Ephesians 4:29

Nan and I like listening to fiction books at night. We try to choose carefully so that we don’t over stimulate our brains before bedtime. Nonfiction books, especially those connected to counseling or spirituality, tend to get us thinking about issues connected to our clients and work, so we leave those for mornings. But when I say carefully, we also try especially hard not to choose books that are laced with profanity.

It has always seemed to me that cussing and unsavory language is a form of verbal violence. It is certainly not used to lift up and encourage others. It saddens me that it has become so embedded in our culture, especially in our entertainment. But it has also crept into many people’s daily language. Although I let a lot of it pass me by, I cringe every time someone used God or Jesus in an irreverent manner. I expect God does too.

When it enters the relationship

I have worked with enough couples in counseling to know that profanity is often used as a weapon in fights. F-bombs and cuss words are flung at each other like bullets. How can we claim to love our spouse yet inflict such damage? Parents can do the same thing to their children, causing deep wounds in their tender souls. God’s heart must break as He witnesses these verbal assaults.

Clients will sometimes say that in these conflicts there is a point of no return, that once a threshold has been crossed they are unable to restrain themselves. But I maintain that it is not the truth. We actually give ourselves permission to escalate and retaliate. Interrupted by a cell phone ring, people in the middle of a heated conflict will often answer the phone in a perfectly civil manner. They really are in control of their reactivity.

I remember a time in my twenties that I decided that I would strip my language of any profanity. It seemed unprofessional and low class, and having grown up in a Christian home I also knew that it was ungodly. My parents never swore, and for that I am really grateful. I found self-censoring to be not that difficult, but it did require intentionality.

So, how do you go about changing this if it is a habit?

I would suggest that the first step is deciding. “I am going to do this!” Then keep this decision in the front of your mind. This self-awareness will help you to monitor your speech. If you slip, apologize to the person you are talking to. They may not understand why you are apologizing, but it will help you correct yourself if you have to explain why. Of course the goal would be to find yourself apologizing a lot less. Also, don’t swear silently in your head or under your breath. Get it out of your inner world and clean up your heart. I think of this verse:

“A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.” Luke 6:45 (NLT)

If this speaks to you, does it seem like a difficult challenge? Ask God for victory!