I have been thinking a lot lately about the tyranny of comparison and how it can lead to toxic competition.
What I define as toxic competition is where I have been comparing myself or a situation I am involved in unfavorably, and then mentally setting up an undeclared contest. This can occur within a friendship, marriage, relationship, or career. Growing up, we always called this “keeping up with the Joneses”. I guess these days we would substitute the Kardashians (or is there a newer version?). But it goes deeper than just the financial impact. It speaks to how I feel about myself, my self worth, my impact on the world, and how I might believe God sees me.
Thinking about this topic brought me back to the book “Soul Keeping” by John Ortberg, where he chronicles his experience with Dallas Willard, the renowned author, theologian and former professor of philosophy at the University of Southern California. Ortberg describes him as being unconcerned about his material surroundings and possessions, but fully present in conversations with people. Willard danced to the beat of a different drum. His focus was on the inner world, the soul of people, free from the competitive forces that drive many people.
The Root Issue
I suspect the root of this issue is the fear that “I am not enough”. Not successful enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough or some other manifestation of insecurity. This self-inflicted tyranny can be painful to bear, and painful to observe in someone we care about. We have seen this toxic competition between husband and wife, and parent and child. The saddest part is that often the spouse or child doesn’t know that they have been enrolled in the contest. They just feel the emotional impact.
This comparison doesn’t just exist between two people. It can be our business vs. your business, or our church vs. your church. It can be my country vs. your country or my race vs. your race or ethnicity. And the results is casting the “other” as the opposition or even an enemy where none exists.
The Solution?
So how do we break away from this trap? I think the answer is twofold. The first is practicing gratitude which leads to contentment. Acknowledging all the blessings we have in our lives at this moment in time keeps us from dwelling on what we lack. Everyone has things to be thankful for, starting with the air that we breathe. The apostle Paul spoke of contentment in Philippians 4:11: “Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.” And again in 1 Timothy 6:6,8: “Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content.” People that are always comparing are discontent. They seem to be driven by the pursuit of “more”. Yes, gratitude and contentment are intertwined, and the combination, when embraced, brings peace to the weary soul.
The second is cultivating cooperation instead of competition. Ecclesiastes 4:9 says: “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.” I can personally attest to this in the business I was in for 44 years. Many of us smaller dental dealers helped each other to survive amid pressure from much larger retailers. The cooperative attitude is actively seeking a win-win outcome rather than an “us against them” attitude.
By the way, I am not talking about a lack of diligence or excellence in our endeavors, or of complacency or laziness. I am talking about examining our heart for the source of our motivation. It’s always a matter of the heart. IYKYK.
