You Want Me To Do What In My Relationship?

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. John 12:24 (ESV)

 When I heard this Scripture verse from the sermon one morning at our church I knew that the message was not going to be one of those feel good ones that reassures us that we can be happy and secure and comfortable. If I had any doubts all I needed to do was register the expression on Nan’s face. But as I listened to it in it’s entirety it was also a message of hope – and it inspired me to apply the verse to relationships.

Marriages are unending opportunities to test out the verse

I want my marriage to be fruitful. I don’t want to just lope along trying not to get into too much trouble. That usually means that I am avoiding engaging at a very deep level. But I also know that swimming in the deep end of the emotional pool can be risky. We could end up sharing some really good intimate moments, but we could also end up in painful conflict.

These times of conflict challenge me to put my faith to the test. Will I power up on Nan or will I “die” to myself? I can tell you what I feel like doing (and it isn’t admirable). But the verse tells me that if I don’t make the sacrifice I will remain alone and nothing good will come of it. Of course Nan has the same choice too, and I reluctantly (sheepishly) admit that over the years she has probably done a better job than I have. Call it male pride or immaturity. They both fit.

What kinds of sacrifices do you need to make in your relationship?

• Your finances? 

• Your ambition? 

• Your anger? 

• Your time? 

• How about your contemptuous, critical or sarcastic attitude? 

• Do you need to give up your right to your opinion all the time? That was and still is a really hard one for me. I always want the last word. 

Some couples will never make it unless they both are willing to die to themselves. There has been so much damage on both sides that they have built emotional fortresses and engage in a contest to see who can come up with the longest list of perceived offenses. The blame game becomes a highly skilled sport for them. But this can be a fight to the death of a marriage.

But the verse brings a message of hope. Jesus sacrificed Himself so that many could live.  We make sacrifices so that our relationships can survive and even thrive – and not just marriages, but also parents to children, friends to friends, and communities to communities. There is joy in this kind of surrender because it often brings peace and harmony. And that produces a feeling of satisfaction – not from the temporary loss, but from the expanding gain that follows.   

My Marriage, Your Marriage

Years ago I was archiving old counseling files and as I did I scanned through the reasons that clients gave for seeking counseling. Most were pretty routine: improve communication or conflict resolution, deal with an affair, etc. But one really struck me.

My wife is unhappy with her marriage, but I am happy with mine.

I think I read it a few times as I considered the response. Can people really see their marriages as separate entities? His marriage? Her marriage? We see marriage as a “oneness” or “us” relationship. I did not dig into the files deeply (confidentiality), but it did get me thinking about his viewpoint and what might be the reason for the relational disconnect.

• Spiritual Disunity If two people are not on the same spiritual wavelength it is entirely possible to view the marriage differently. One person could feel very discontented with the lack of intimacy they experience when the spiritual connection is absent. They may be living with an entirely different values framework. We know, because we have lived it.  In Christian parlance we call this being unequally yoked. 

• Lack of Emotional Connection When a couple does not have good emotional connection, it is hard to feel empathy for the other person. This can leave a spouse feeling very alone in a marriage. One of the partners may not be aware (or care) while the other is deeply wounded by the emotional distance. 

• One Spouse is a Taker In some relationships there is a husband or wife who always seems to get their way. The relationship becomes very one-sided as he or she comes out on top in every conflict or decision. This person has a high satisfaction in the marriage because things always fall into place for them. However, the other half of the marriage (who may be codependent) is left feeling like they have very little power and always has to give, and never receive in order to keep the marriage stable. 

• Change or Growth Nan just commented that one other common reason is when one person has gone through a significant change in their life. It could be normal, like pregnancy or menopause, or not so positive, like an illness, a job loss, or a stressful job change. Emotional or spiritual growth also can cause a significant separation in a marriage. When one spouse enters counseling alone, or deals effectively with an addiction it affects the other spouse. They may have just lost their drinking buddy or lost some other aspect of the relationship that was comfortable or predictable. They will often “cry foul” and complain that this isn’t the person they married; they liked it the way it was. However, if the couple enters counseling together this adjustment is usually easier on both of them and may avert potential marital drift. 

Whatever the reason may be, in order to thrive, a marriage must have unity. When one person is distressed, the marriage is distressed. There is no win/lose in relationships – either we both win, or we both lose.

Emotionally Available

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact your are doing. 1Thes 5:11

Have you ever spent a good deal of time with someone and then left feeling like you have no deeper knowledge of them? Or have you shared a vulnerable moment with someone and afterwards you have no clue as to what they are thinking or feeling, and that your story did not “move” them in any way?

You may be with someone who is emotionally unavailable.

Or perhaps I may be describing you.

Emotional availability is the ability to monitor your own feelings and then communicate them to another person. It is also the ability to read other people’s verbal and non-verbal cues accurately, and then respond appropriately (emotional intelligence).

I want to emphasize the word “appropriately” here. There can be a tendency to overshare in an attempt to connect with someone, or to withhold out of fear or anxiety. Oversharing may drive a person away because they might interpret it as neediness on your part, whereas holding on too tight to your feelings may lead them to believe you are emotionally cold.

I suggest a layered approach where you reveal your deeper feelings a little at a time, testing to see how they respond. With each new “layer” you should risk a little more and then see if they are also willing to risk in return. If they cannot, then stop there. If you continue to share after that point with nothing in return you will eventually become hurt and resentful.

I have observed that there is a tendency in some people to consider oversharing a virtue in the name of authenticity and transparency. They want to let a potential candidate for a relationship know all the emotional baggage that they carry, even before that person has a chance to discover all the positive benefits of being in a relationship with them. If this happens on a first encounter, I would be very apprehensive.

But on the other hand, people that are unable to share their deeper feelings (both positive and negative) will probably not be able to sustain a relationship because their partner will feel alone. This is where guessing and mind-reading may enter the picture, often with disastrous results. It takes a lot of frustrating work to pull feelings from an emotionally withholding partner. And you may never know if they are really being honest or just placating you.

So would I advise you to run from an emotionally unavailable person? It depends.

In a dating relationship I would suggest proceeding cautiously and not attempt to take them on as a project. If fear is holding them back and they open up as they relax, there might be potential.

In a marriage, it will probably be necessary to enter counseling as soon as possible to prevent further damage.

How about the person who tends to overshare and parade their emotional damage to you?

Be kind, but cautious as you respond to them.  You many have to set a gentle boundary on the amount of time you will listen to their complaints. Are they engaged in counseling and recovery and being successful in healing the hurt places in their life, or are they stuck or unwilling to get help? Are they growing in maturity both spiritually and emotionally?

You will probably know when you are with an emotionally available and healthy person, because you will feel connected, but not smothered. You will feel relaxed around them, but not bored. You will feel energized, but not find yourself frequently in the middle of a drama, walking on eggshells.

Any thoughts or comments?