Lazy or Perfectionistic

One of my less favorite domestic jobs is pulling weeds and caring for our somewhat unruly yard. I think I’ve felt that way most of my life even though once I get into it, it’s not that bad – almost enjoyable sometimes. I wonder if I am just lazy by temperament.

As I was working this morning I thought about the times where my dad was training me and one of his phrases came back.

“If you’re going to do something, do it right or don’t do it at all!”

That message was often delivered with anger and I ended up feeling inadequate. The belief that was formed was that I didn’t measure up, and so I guess at some point I kind of embraced his philosophy too well. If I couldn’t do something perfectly why do it at all? It makes certain tasks difficult for me to start, because I know it will fail to meet my internal standards. And that in turn triggers shame. It means defective, broken, unremarkable and inconsequential. So to avoid the shame, I procrastinate or ignore.

It happens often with these blog posts. I am aware that it is beneficial to post regularly and often, yet I struggle to get to the computer to write if I don’t have something on my heart that feels really significant.

I wonder if you are like me.

The way I find myself dealing with some of these issues is by forcing myself to act when I am nearing a deadline. I tell myself that I work better under pressure. That is probably partly true – that there is nothing like anxiety to focus one’s attention. But I probably don’t do better work as a result, and I certainly don’t provide margin for interruptions or unforeseen problems. And if they do appear, my anxiety can turn to anger or panic. And those two emotions can create relational problems.

One of the other downsides is that Nan has to live with my tendencies. Things don’t get attended to in a timely manner. Broken things don’t get fixed right away. Maintenance chores are often delayed way too long. It is frustrating for her and for me. It becomes another area of shame I have to deal with. I know the root cause is a form of anxiety, but awareness alone is not enough. Activating is required.

Talking through my shame issues helps me to change my beliefs and my maladaptive behaviors. I am much more able to self soothe and self accept. When shame is triggered there is likely to be an overreaction that follows. It might be projected outwards in a defensive or angry outburst, or it can be directed inward resulting in depression and feelings of low self worth. Neither reaction is helpful, obviously.

It all comes down to grace. Grace for myself and grace from others. The more grace I experience, the more I will be able to break the power of shame and perfectionism. God does not expect me to be perfect, he expects me to be faithful, and to be an expression of His love and faithfulness – to love my neighbor and myself.

Am I lazy or perfectionistic? Probably both – thank God for grace.

One Big Obstacle to Counseling Success

It was another really hard session – tempers were up and hope was down. Nan and I had tried for months to get this couple on track. They were both devout Christians and really good willed people. It seemed like every positive move was sabotaged by another destructive one. Although we had our suspicions, we couldn’t definitively pinpoint the problem person in the relationship. Was one spouse just too passive or was the other too aggressive? Did we have a well concealed addict and a co-dependent unwilling to speak up?

As it turned out, it was neither. We had an undiagnosed disorder that was unpredictable. You might think figuring this out would be a big victory, but it wasn’t at first. Now we had the task of convincing both spouses that it needed treatment beyond talk – to us and God. It required medication for any real change to take place. But there was resistance. Why? It was a twofold problem. The couple came from a religious tradition that believed that taking medication meant that one lacked faith in God’s power to heal. And the second reason was that to seek a medical solution meant having to humble oneself and admit that they were the problem or at least a large part of it and not their spouse.

What finally happened?  As I said earlier, these people were good willed people who were truly committed to following Christ. Humility paved the way to surrender, and we were able to get them to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, who accurately treated the disorder. After that we were able to make real progress in counseling. Grace reigned as they dealt with issues of resentments and the subsequent forgiveness. Yes, both people did have a part in the problem, but the disorder prevented them from making progress. Instead they got stuck in an endless cycle of blame and defend. The medication changed the entire atmosphere of the counseling sessions. They got unstuck.

What ultimately is needed in these situations? 

• Humility – a willingness to investigate the possibility that you might need additional medical help. Sometimes it is not a belief that holds a person back, but just plain stubbornness (sin). We have actually identified the problem, understand that the most effective solution would be medication, but the person wants other people to accommodate their dysfunctional behaviors rather than have to take a step that feels distasteful to them.

• Kindness – anger will never move a couple or individual forward. 

• Courage – it is difficult to move beyond our fears and closely held beliefs. 

• Embracing Grief – It may require embracing the loss that comes with surrender. What loss? The feeling of loss of control or power, the loss of my belief that I am right and you are wrong or something else similar 

Two Cautions 

First, know that medication alone is not sufficient to deal with the problem -- it takes a combination of medication and counseling to deal effectively with the issue. The second caution is never go off the medication without a doctor's approval. There is a tendency to start feeling much better after a while and then believe that everything is great. You are feeling better because you are taking the medication. Listen to the doctor's instructions carefully and follow his/her advice.

I really love this talk from Pastor Tommy Nelson on his fight with depression. He embodies the things I have been talking about.

 Click the link and enjoy! 

A Christian Looks at Depression 

Proverbs 15:22 (ESV) Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.

In Defense Of Marriage

 Inspired by a friend’s post, I thought I better say some positive words about marriage. In my day, getting married was a no-brainer. It was just part of the natural progression of life. It was accepted as a good thing and most everyone expected to get there sooner rather than later.

What followed was an era of radical social upheaval that has left a lot of people confused about marriage, its value, its risks and its benefits. Attitudes about sex, cohabitation, children outside of marriage and what constitutes parents are constantly shifting. As a result, what used to be unquestioned in the general culture is now a muddled issue.

As counselors we have been more worried that people would go into marriage unprepared, and therefore they would become less likely to sustain a marriage when challenges hit. So I think to some degree we have talked more about the potential pitfalls than the inherent benefits. As a result, perhaps we have made some people more cautious about marriage than excited. As I stated earlier, it used to be that the benefits were assumed.

Although social norms may have changed, people have not. We still all have basic longings for love, security, significance, being known, sexuality, and companionship. All of these things are best achieved in a committed relationship. For thousands of years we have called this marriage.

I think myths hold people back from marriage or even relationship.

“Women are only interested in a guy’s earning potential – their money.”

“Men are only interested in sex, not love”

These fears of being taken advantage of or being unloved or inadequate are usually just that – fears. Men also want love and women also want sex. And they both need money to live. Two people of good character and intentions will work those things out in a marriage. Sex and financial stability are actually two advantages in marriage for both men and women. Married couples overwhelmingly have higher success in both those areas. (And married men live longer than single men.)

Anyone who has been alone for any length of time knows the pain that often accompanies singleness. It becomes more acute during holidays and other social events. Some people might like having the freedom (control) of making all life’s decisions without having to factor in another’s opinion, but others just feel the burden. It’s harder to dream alone, go on vacations alone, and get older alone. Community is helpful, even essential, but not the same.

I was talking to a friend this week, and she was saying how life was so much simpler without children (her oldest just became an adolescent). But she said it was not better, just easier – she could not imagine doing life without her kids. The same can be said about marriage.

Ecclesiastes 4: ⁹ Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. ¹⁰ If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.