What Kind Of Justice Do You Seek?

For quite a while I have been wrestling with the concepts of fairness and justice. It has certainly been kicked around for hundreds and thousands of years in so many contexts. And for Nan and me it gets talked about a lot in counseling with couples, particularly.

Who is the judge?

If you have ever been around a divorcing couple trying to work out child custody issues, you will likely be torn between both sides of the requests. Each can make really good points why they should have primary custody. They both may have really good arguments about time distribution and money allocation. That is why a judge is required. But what does the judge offer? An opinion.

Issues of fairness are always the result of an opinion. But opinions by definition are not facts, even when they are based on facts. And opinions are biased, even when the judge is doing the best that he/she can do to be neutral. Why? We are human, flawed, and our opinions are formed by our experience and our feelings.

I must say that I often set myself up to be the judge of fairness, as if I have all the facts, all the necessary criteria to make a definitive pronouncement. I remember one time pointing out to friend of mine that he was wearing two different colored socks and that they didn’t match. He assured me that they did match because they were the same thickness. I made a judgment based on my criterion, but he was using a different set of criteria. Who was right?

Why is this important?

When I speak to the issues of fairness and justice I must be careful that I am not assuming the position of absolute moral authority which belongs to God alone. I may be operating out of a blind spot that is damaging to my relationships. My position of certainty may betray my lack of humility and my ability to empathize with others. In the past Nan used to say to me; “Dave, you are too convinced of your own opinion!” Unfortunately, she was right. Of course she wasn’t only speaking of this issue, but of a general blind spot resulting from narcissistic tendencies.

Is it fair or just the way I sometimes treat Nan? Is it fair or just the way she sometimes reacts to me? Would it be fair for her to label me based on her educational training? Would it be fair if I resisted the label? I’m sure that you might have an opinion – but is fair to hold it?

Be careful around these issues. Yes, some things are evil and totally unacceptable and there would be little or no disagreement among civilized people. But with few exceptions, most of what we encounter on a daily basis do not fall into these categories. Remember at all times that love should be our goal (1 Cor. 14:1).

Psalm 9:8 (NLT)  He (God) will judge the world with justice and rule the nations with fairness.

Visiting Home

Jessica had a rocky childhood. It was plagued by a lot of emotional turmoil and conflict as a result of feeling unwanted. Her parents were emotionally disconnected and her older brother became her mother’s confidant. Her mother had expectations of her, to do chores and not get in trouble, but there was little warmth between them. Her father checked out of the family emotionally and spent as much time at his job as possible. So Jessica grew up feeling that she was not lovable and worthy of attention.

Eventually Jessica moved out, got married and started a family of her own. Unlike her father, her husband was warm and supportive. They moved several hundred miles away from her parent’s home. Things were certainly better, but she still felt somewhat insecure and anxious, especially when it came time to make the annual trip to see her parents and siblings for Christmas.

What was driving this anxiety about visiting home? 

Jessica still held expectations that things within her family of origin would change. Each year she visited, she hoped that she would finally feel special and loved. But her Mom, an active narcissist, still primarily pursued and got attention from her brother and his family. Her Dad was better these days and connected with her family, but not intimately with her. Each year she let her unmet childhood needs rule her thinking and her emotions.

So what should Jessica expect when she visits home each year?

Nothing. Tough as it sounds, grieving the loss of the way it should have been growing up and holding no expectations of change in the future is the only healthy choice. She can actively choose to go through a process of forgiving her parents for the hurts they caused when she was growing up. And she can lovingly detach when she visits, keeping the interactions light and polite.

It probably sounds unfair that Jessica needs to do the work of healing. After all, it’s her parents who missed the mark. And it isn’t fair – but it’s necessary. Otherwise, Jessica will be re-wounded every time she visits and she will become more and more bitter and resentful, and it will leak into her relationships with her husband and children.   

Christ did not ask us to walk the easy path. He asked us to walk the path of freedom. Often that path is uphill and twisty, and hard to see ahead. And we have to trust that the path leads us to where we want to go. Trust is the belief in an unseen outcome, because of the assurance of the source of our information. Hopefully you place your trust in Jesus Christ, who is the same yesterday, today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)  

Fairness In Relationships

I had always thought that fairness shouldn’t be a big deal in relationships. After all, aren’t we supposed to be self-sacrificing and willing to suffer for our mate? Aren’t we called to prefer one another in love, and give 100%? Won’t God be proud of us now, and “even the score” one day? Well – yes. But is that sufficient for a vitalized relationship now? I'm not quite so sure anymore.

There are certainly times in our relationship when things are going to be out of balance. Sometimes it’s for a day, or a week, or even a season. There was a time when Nan went back to school and I carried most of the financial load, and perhaps more of the domestic load than I was used to. But there was also a time when I spent some time “on the road” as a musician and Nan was in charge of everything at home (while still working a job).  We took turns and it felt relatively fair.

But what about couples that are out of balance for extended periods of time?

I have seen many couples where one of the partners has carried the load both at work and at home for years. Even if the circumstances seem beyond the control of the non-working partner, resentment creeps into the picture eventually and erodes the intimacy. When the imbalance is not beyond the control of the slacker, the relationship may take a much quicker dive. This is particularly evident when one of the partners is trying to “find him/herself” or chasing a dream or elusive career, but doing little at home to help to carry the load.

Of course, part of this scenario is perceptual. I may judge the situation as unbalanced, but you may not. It makes no difference. If I see it as unfair, then there is a problem that needs to be addressed or I am likely to get angry or withdraw. We might need a third party to give us perspective.

The most common battles of fairness that I have seen are:

• Housework – both work jobs, but one does the majority or the domestic chores.

• Finances – one spends more money on themself than the other does.

• Finances – one partner exerts little effort trying to contribute financially, even though the agreement was to create an egalitarian relationship.

• Time – one has a lot more free time than the other.

• Childcare – one takes much more responsibility for raising the children.

The Bible warns us that “love does not keep score”, but also advises us not to be engaged in vain or selfish pursuits.  

So what is your ‘fairness meter’ saying these days?