Choosing a Mate

Since Nan & I had taught the pre-married/pre-engagement class at church for decades, we spent a good deal of our time with couples in that stage of a relationship. It is undeniable that most had found each other because of an attraction that they felt. Yes, some have been matched through an online service, which hopefully goes deeper than attraction alone. Our belief is that a decision for marriage should be based on a balance of attraction and suitability.

In other words, the head and the heart must be in sync.

What makes a potential mate suitable? When I first saw Nan the thought of assessing her character  never entered my mind. (OK, I was young and maturity helps a bit with the concept). Blind attraction from a chemical wash of the brain makes everything seem possible within a relationship. We might believe we can make a relationship with a person who lives in another country with 2 kids from a former marriage work. Right.

Here are some factors that must be considered.

• Are we of the same spiritual mind? The Christian term is “equally yoked”. 
• If we are of different ethnicities, will our families accept our potential mate? 
• Are we in agreement about children? 
• Do we come from similar socio-economic backgrounds? 
• Does my partner have great character – free from addictions? Are they honest, trustworthy, hard working, kind, dependable, teachable, humble, gentle, not given to fits of anger or rage, etc.? This is foremost in our opinion. 
• Do we communicate well? Is my partner a listener as well as a talker? 
• Can we resolve conflict, or do we give up and go away mad or discouraged? 
• Do we have a financial plan based on reality? Are we both committed to working to make it happen? 
• Is my partner a happy person or do they seem to be critical, complaining, cynical or pessimistic? It is hard to live with a depressed person. 

One of the reasons I think premarital sex is a bad idea, apart from the biblical reasons, is that once we have crossed that boundary our minds are clouded by the closeness we feel. It becomes very difficult to have a balanced perspective. If we also live together we add one more entanglement as well – that of being economically entwined. It is very difficult to extricate ourselves from an unsuitable relationship when we are emotionally, physically and economically connected.

What would you add to my list? What has caused you pain or confusion? Have you had repeated bad break-ups or have you found yourself in a difficult marriage because you ignored the above factors? Are you stuck right now? Or have you chosen well and you are rejoicing with the satisfaction of your relational success? With strength and courage and maybe some help from others there is always hope.

Can Emotional Intelligence Predict Relationship Success?

As a kid I remember taking all kinds of IQ tests. Some of them were pretty annoying, like the pattern recognition ones. I think those ones kept me out of shop classes. Maybe they thought I would hurt myself or something. Others probably got me into AP classes where I had to work harder for the same grades. Whatever.

These days more and more attention is being paid to the concept of emotional intelligence as a predictor of success in certain areas of life. The business world has used it to determine who will make a good employee or associate. The same criteria might be helpful in determining the probability of success in marriage as well.

Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups.

One model (the ability model) posits that there are four abilities connected with EI:

1. Perceiving emotions – the ability to detect and decipher emotions in faces, pictures, voices, and cultural artifacts—including the ability to identify one's own emotions. Perceiving emotions represents a basic aspect of emotional intelligence, as it makes all other processing of emotional information possible.                                                                                         
2. Using emotions – the ability to harness emotions to facilitate various cognitive activities, such as thinking and problem solving. The emotionally intelligent person can capitalize fully upon his or her changing moods in order to best fit the task at hand.
3. Understanding emotions – the ability to comprehend emotion language and to appreciate complicated relationships among emotions. For example, understanding emotions encompasses the ability to be sensitive to slight variations between emotions, and the ability to recognize and describe how emotions evolve over time.
4. Managing emotions – the ability to regulate emotions in both ourselves and in others. Therefore, the emotionally intelligent person can harness emotions, even negative ones, and manage them to achieve intended goals. 

Psychologist and author Daniel Goleman’s model has five constructs: 

• Self-awareness -- the ability to know one's emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drives, values and goals and recognize their impact on others while using gut feelings to guide decisions.

• Self-regulation -- involves controlling or redirecting one's disruptive emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances.

• Social skill -- managing relationships to move people in the desired direction

• Empathy - considering other people's feelings especially when making decisions and

• Motivation - being driven to achieve for the sake of achievement. 

It would seem that the higher the emotional intelligence you have, the more likely you would be able to make positive adjustments within a relationship. Some researchers suggest that it is possible to increase our EI and therefore become more successful (skill building). Nan and I would tend to agree with that assessment since we have worked with many couples who have been able to change their behaviors towards each other, increasing their listening and empathy skills, and curbing their critical communications.

If you would like to take a simple EI assessment, a free one can be found at: https://ihhp.com/free-eq-quiz/

If you are brave enough, post your results in the comment box --

Thanks to Wikipedia for some of the content.

Before "I Do"

 

It always breaks our hearts when we hear of a new marriage (or any marriage for that matter) going through serious conflict. We wonder what could be going on that trouble has appeared so quickly after the wedding vows have been spoken to each other. What immediately comes to mind is “Did this couple go through pre-engagement counseling? Did this couple go through our ‘Before I Do’ class?” After having taught the class 50 times as well as counseling many couples before and after marriage, I can confidently report that prep work makes a significant difference in the outcome.

What Do We Consider Success?

Not all couples that attend the class or in our counseling room end up in marriage. I remember one of our pastors saying during a sermon (sorry Mark and Tom, I can’t remember) “There is nothing worse than being single and wishing to be married – except being married and wishing to be single.” We can appreciate the sentiment. We consider making a decision to end a troubled relationship before marriage a real success. Some couples just try too hard to make a difficult relationship work before tying the knot.

But of course there are those couples who are well-suited, and with some education and good preparation make it through the first year without much adjustment or conflict. We are so encouraged when we hear positive feedback from these people. They usually say something like: “I don’t know why people say that the first year of marriage is hard. It hasn’t been difficult for us at all.”

What Happens During These Classes and Counseling Sessions?

Usually an assessment is taken to identify areas where the couple is not in agreement or unaware that they have different expectations of marriage. Hopefully the assessment will uncover these “blind spots”. By definition we don’t see what we don’t see.

Also, the prep work includes working on skills: communication, conflict resolution, money management, etc. The difference between a class and private counseling is whereas the class will cover general education, the individual coaching can drill down on issues more specific to the couple including whether to move forward with the relationship or have a “good goodbye”.

What If You Are Already Married?

Having seen so many couples over the years, we can confidently state that it is never too late to learn some basic marriage skills. God’s truths about marriage and righteousness in behavior are not time bound. His wisdom is everlasting and exists outside of current opinion. That is why we adhere to His teachings. Some relationships do not start out well, but that does not mean that course corrections cannot be made.

Some of God’s admonitions are not popular, like saving sex and cohabiting until after marriage. But those warnings are out of love and may well save a lot of pain further down the line, especially if there is a break-up. It may surprise you, but we have seen many couples that have not given in to cultural pressure and faced the altar with purity or renewed purity.

If you are sitting on the fence about getting coaching in this phase of your relationship, I would encourage you to make the decision to invest in your future success by seeking available resources and reap the benefits. It does not have to be professional, just well-informed.

10 Lame Excuses for Divorce

When we face a life or death crisis, all of a sudden pride and superficialities fall away. We become totally emptied out and desperate for God to fill the uncertainty with hope.

I wish it were the same with the imminent possibility of the death of a marriage.

Sadly, instead, the leaving spouse often becomes more prideful and clings to superficialities that support their case for dissolving the marriage. Although not always the case, it is not uncommon for the other, often clueless spouse to become humbled by the pronouncement that the marriage may be over. The positive side of this, if there is one, is that it focuses attention on the marriage problems and may be the only thing that moves a resistant spouse to seek outside help.

Here are the top ten lame excuses people use to justify a divorce. (Thanks to Dr. David Clarke – David Clarke Seminars)

• “I don’t love you anymore.” (Obviously you don’t understand love. You still think it’s a feeling.)

• “I never loved you.” (Really? It was an arranged marriage?)

• “I felt pressured to get married.” (Somebody actually held a gun to your head, huh?)

• “I need to find myself.” (Let us help you – you’re married, perhaps with kids.”)

• “It’s not you, it’s me.” (Now we’re getting to the truth.)

• “I’m having a midlife crisis.” (I guess you think that gives you permission to engage in all kinds of sinful behavior.”), 

• “God wants me to be happy.” (Sorry, not Biblical. He wants you to be holy.)

• “It’s better for the kids.” (No, it’s not. Kids always do better in an intact family, even if it's conflictual.)

• “My needs aren’t being met.” (You haven’t insisted that your needs be met by learning how to effectively confront your spouse.)

• “I’ve fallen in love with my soul mate.” (No, it’s your sin mate. You have compromised your character and integrity.”)

Can you add to my list? I’ll bet some of the counselors out there can.

Busy or Hurried?

I was reading this morning in Soul Keeping (John Ortberg) about the difference between busyness and hurriedness. He described the difference as one is external (busyness) and the other is internal (hurriedness).

How true that is. All of us have lives that are busy. It is almost unavoidable in today’s western culture. We cannot escape all the things that are required of us to function in this way of life. Even if we decided that we wanted to be a hermit, there is still the need to procure food to feed ourselves, the resultant work that is required at some level, and the personal care for our physical, emotional and spiritual circumstances. But the moment we step into marriage, family, community and a robust work life, we complicate our daily existence and multiply our busyness.

But, as Ortberg writes, hurriedness is a product of our mindset or the condition of our soul. It is an internal pace that we have control over. 

Either we allow it to rule us, or we intentionally manage it.    

At this moment I am not busy. I have an abundance of time available. But internally I have a feeling of drivenness, or hurry if you will. What it does to me is to steal away the present, to be fully “in the moment”.  

As I write I find myself being distracted. I get up and walk around although there is nothing that requires my attention. It is not a pressure from the outside in, but rather from the inside out. A couple of little yellow birds catch my eye – I get up and throw some bread crumbs to them. I am present for a few seconds, and then I focus elsewhere.

How do I control this internal pressure? I must cultivate it intentionally – practice it by taking my thoughts captive. 2 Cor. 10:5 says making them obedient to Christ. Obedient in what way? Perhaps it implies obedience to rest, to pursue peace, to be available to God and to others.

In counseling we often talk about changing our thoughts, our inner conversations. All of our outward behaviors begin with our inner thoughts. My reactivity in relationships begins with my inner conversations. When that inner dialog is not hurried, I have time to process and make good decisions. But when my anxious mind tells me that I must make a quick decision, I can really blow it. It has nothing to do with being busy, but everything to do with the state of my soul.

The apostle Paul was probably plenty busy warding off trouble and being involved with the business of evangelism. But I suspect he was in control of his inner life. Otherwise he couldn’t have written the following:

2 Cor. 4:8-9 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

 I think there is a message in there for us as well.

5 Things To Keep The Relationship Alive

It is always exciting when I come across a piece of simple wisdom. To me simple wisdom is something that is so obvious that it makes you smile that you didn’t put it into words first. As I was rereading a book this week (Close Calls by David Carder), I stumbled upon one of those.

What is this little gem of knowledge?

It is a list of things that keep a relationship vital. Simply put, they are those behaviors that came easy at the beginning, but may fall away as time progresses and life gets busy. According to the book, if we fail to provide these things to our partner, they become vulnerable to people outside of our relationship who might supply them.

Here are five things that Carder says we should continue to do to keep a partner happy.

• Accommodation – When you are first dating I’ll bet you make sure that you make time and space to accommodate the relationship. You might cancel other commitments and plan your life around being able to connect with your girl or guy. They are a priority in your life and they know it.   

• Adoration – Isn’t it a great feeling to feel beautiful or handsome when your beloved looks at you – that they would rather be with you than anyone else? You spend extra effort making sure that you are worthy of the attention – and you melt when they respond positively.

• Admiration – Who doesn’t want to be looked up to? When I feel that from Nan, it makes me want to go the extra mile. It’s not easy being great, but when someone recognizes it in you it makes you want to hang around them more.

• Affirmation – For some folks there is no substitute for delicious words spoken to them. They light up when you tell them all the things that you love and appreciate about them – or how you respect what they do or who they are as a person. 

• Affection – Physical connection is something that all living beings crave. It is why it is so hard to keep our hands off our partner when we are dating. It is a definite way to reassure your partner that you still love and care for them even after a lot of time has passed.  

 Have you gotten lazy in your relationship? I know I have and this is a great reminder. 

Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.

Proverbs 5:18

You Want Me To Do What In My Relationship?

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. John 12:24 (ESV)

 When I heard this Scripture verse from the sermon one morning at our church I knew that the message was not going to be one of those feel good ones that reassures us that we can be happy and secure and comfortable. If I had any doubts all I needed to do was register the expression on Nan’s face. But as I listened to it in it’s entirety it was also a message of hope – and it inspired me to apply the verse to relationships.

Marriages are unending opportunities to test out the verse

I want my marriage to be fruitful. I don’t want to just lope along trying not to get into too much trouble. That usually means that I am avoiding engaging at a very deep level. But I also know that swimming in the deep end of the emotional pool can be risky. We could end up sharing some really good intimate moments, but we could also end up in painful conflict.

These times of conflict challenge me to put my faith to the test. Will I power up on Nan or will I “die” to myself? I can tell you what I feel like doing (and it isn’t admirable). But the verse tells me that if I don’t make the sacrifice I will remain alone and nothing good will come of it. Of course Nan has the same choice too, and I reluctantly (sheepishly) admit that over the years she has probably done a better job than I have. Call it male pride or immaturity. They both fit.

What kinds of sacrifices do you need to make in your relationship?

• Your finances? 

• Your ambition? 

• Your anger? 

• Your time? 

• How about your contemptuous, critical or sarcastic attitude? 

• Do you need to give up your right to your opinion all the time? That was and still is a really hard one for me. I always want the last word. 

Some couples will never make it unless they both are willing to die to themselves. There has been so much damage on both sides that they have built emotional fortresses and engage in a contest to see who can come up with the longest list of perceived offenses. The blame game becomes a highly skilled sport for them. But this can be a fight to the death of a marriage.

But the verse brings a message of hope. Jesus sacrificed Himself so that many could live.  We make sacrifices so that our relationships can survive and even thrive – and not just marriages, but also parents to children, friends to friends, and communities to communities. There is joy in this kind of surrender because it often brings peace and harmony. And that produces a feeling of satisfaction – not from the temporary loss, but from the expanding gain that follows.   

Taking Shortcuts

Are you tempted to take shortcuts like I am?

When I was first married, Nan and I took a driving vacation around California with a side trip to Reno, Nevada. My daily driver was almost identical to the vehicle above – a camper-converted 1960 Ford Vanette. Our subculture was in full swing and this was a very cool ride at the time. However, it was designed for city deliveries, not open road travel. Hence, it was pretty under-powered with a straight six and three on the tree (ask your parents if you need to).

I thought it would be a great idea to take a shortcut across the Sierra Nevada mountains and save some time. Umm, wrong. The climb was steep and we only barely made it on one leg of the road – I think Nan had to get out and push. It may have been a dirt road – I can’t remember. We didn’t see another vehicle the whole time. Anyway, not a way to impress my new bride.

I get in trouble with other shortcuts as well. I try to simplify complicated instructions – I mean, are all those steps REALLY necessary for success? I don’t need ALL the ingredients for a particular recipe, do I? Do I need to wait that long before a second coat of paint? And that primer coat was just a suggestion, right? Maybe you can relate.

We can take relational shortcuts too. After a break in trust there are certain things that need to be done for restoration. It might mean giving your spouse complete access to everything including all your emails, your cell phone, all your social media – everything. Are you willing to surrender your right to privacy? Are you ready to make restitution for any wrong you did? Or do you just want to act like nothing happened? That’s a shortcut.

Some other shortcuts:

• Avoiding premarital preparation
• Having sex before marriage
• Buying things on credit rather than saving for them
• Expecting people to do things for you that you can do for yourself
• Taking action before thinking through a problem
• Engaging in risky weight loss schemes rather than having a long term plan
• Cheating on tests, or copying other people’s answers
• Engaging in illegal pursuits for personal or monetary gains

To drive this point home, today I installed a garbage disposer. It looked pretty much like the one I was replacing. It fit well so I hooked up the plumbing and electrical and everything looked great and it spun around like a champ. I fired up the dishwasher that had been waiting with dishes for a couple of days, but it didn’t drain. Looking at step 15 and 16 on the installation guide (which I ignored), it said:

IMPORTANT “When installing dishwasher drain, knock out plastic plug prior to installing drain hose. 

Enough said.

Hard and Soft Boundaries

Healthy boundaries protect marriages, relationships and children.

I heard a true story of a rural elementary school that was built on a large piece of real estate. When it was built there was no need to fence it in because there were no safety dangers. The teachers on yard duty just had to keep an eye on the group as they played during recess. As time went on, the adjacent area grew busier and the rural streets were paved and car traffic came closer to the school. The teachers had to set an imaginary boundary for the kids quite a distance from the street for safety. But now the kids’ play area was greatly curtailed. The balls would often roll into the “forbidden zone”, but the kids couldn’t fetch them without adult assistance.

Eventually a high fence was constructed around the play area close to the street that included the formerly off-limits part. The kids could once again use the entire playground because it was safe. Where the imaginary line had been mostly adequate, it had still carried some limitations and risk. This is a great example of soft vs. hard boundaries.

Whether hard or soft, when boundaries are used appropriately they are designed to protect. In relationships they either protect us or others, or both. In abusive relationships, toxic boundaries are usually set to control or manipulate others (“Do that one more time and I leave!”) A soft boundary I might set is to avoid talking about a particular subject (like politics) with certain people. I do not want to cut off the relationship, but I do want to avoid the danger zone. 

Another soft boundary might be with time issues. With someone who is constantly late, I might be flexible to a certain degree – but when they are excessively late I may confront them or cancel an appointment or date. In this case I extend some grace but protect them from my anger or resentment when they push my limit.

When interventions are done with addicts, the family and friends always set a “bottom line”. This is a classic hard boundary – and it is absolutely necessary. It is usually very difficult for the family, but love for the addict compels them to suffer the pain of setting and following through no matter what. But if they waffle on the hard boundary in any way the intervention will be a failure. Softer boundaries can be set when the addict completes treatment.

Setting Boundaries

I hate to set boundaries. I don’t like conflict. I hate for people to be displeased with me. But when we set boundaries, people will be angry or disappointed with us. It is unavoidable. I have had family members voice this to me directly. But I am willing to endure the discomfort in favor of emotional health.

Sometimes we set hard boundaries because we are unwilling to navigate the uncertain waters of softer ones. This is a mistake because it often wrecks or ends relationships. We have to be very careful not to set limits with anger or hostility. The goal is not to punish, but protect.

How about you? Do you struggle with this issue? Do you have a hard time settings limits, perhaps because of codependency? Are you harsh in the way you handle disappointments with people? Are you in denial about the need for certain limits in your life? Are you suffering because you are afraid to make a healthy choice, even when you know it must be done?

Those who are in abusive relationships often struggle the most with this issue. If this is you, get some help. Strengthen yourself by enlisting a support team and experiencing the kind of freedom that God would want for you. You might start by reading the book “Boundaries” by Cloud & Townsend.  

Are Your Words An Encouragement?

 

“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” Ephesians 4:29

Nan and I like listening to fiction books at night. We try to choose carefully so that we don’t over stimulate our brains before bedtime. Nonfiction books, especially those connected to counseling or spirituality, tend to get us thinking about issues connected to our clients and work, so we leave those for mornings. But when I say carefully, we also try especially hard not to choose books that are laced with profanity.

It has always seemed to me that cussing and unsavory language is a form of verbal violence. It is certainly not used to lift up and encourage others. It saddens me that it has become so embedded in our culture, especially in our entertainment. But it has also crept into many people’s daily language. Although I let a lot of it pass me by, I cringe every time someone used God or Jesus in an irreverent manner. I expect God does too.

When it enters the relationship

I have worked with enough couples in counseling to know that profanity is often used as a weapon in fights. F-bombs and cuss words are flung at each other like bullets. How can we claim to love our spouse yet inflict such damage? Parents can do the same thing to their children, causing deep wounds in their tender souls. God’s heart must break as He witnesses these verbal assaults.

Clients will sometimes say that in these conflicts there is a point of no return, that once a threshold has been crossed they are unable to restrain themselves. But I maintain that it is not the truth. We actually give ourselves permission to escalate and retaliate. Interrupted by a cell phone ring, people in the middle of a heated conflict will often answer the phone in a perfectly civil manner. They really are in control of their reactivity.

I remember a time in my twenties that I decided that I would strip my language of any profanity. It seemed unprofessional and low class, and having grown up in a Christian home I also knew that it was ungodly. My parents never swore, and for that I am really grateful. I found self-censoring to be not that difficult, but it did require intentionality.

So, how do you go about changing this if it is a habit?

I would suggest that the first step is deciding. “I am going to do this!” Then keep this decision in the front of your mind. This self-awareness will help you to monitor your speech. If you slip, apologize to the person you are talking to. They may not understand why you are apologizing, but it will help you correct yourself if you have to explain why. Of course the goal would be to find yourself apologizing a lot less. Also, don’t swear silently in your head or under your breath. Get it out of your inner world and clean up your heart. I think of this verse:

“A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.” Luke 6:45 (NLT)

If this speaks to you, does it seem like a difficult challenge? Ask God for victory!

The Owner of Truth - Rigid Not Relational

One of the necessary qualities of a good relationship (or just plain getting along with people in general) is the ability to be flexible. Relationships thrive when there is an attitude of openness, not just toward decisions, but also in ideas and perspective. 

Rigidity kills dialog, and dialog is necessary for mutual respect. And mutual respect is necessary for a close relationship. This does not mean you have to agree with the other person’s conclusions. It means that you are open to hearing them and giving weight to them and be willing to compromise when an action step is required. 

I am not advocating chaos, which is the polar opposite of rigidity. Life needs order and structure – just not too much or too little. In Christ’s time the Pharisees were the picture of rigidity – rules and regulations to be followed without compromise. But Jesus was all about love. He put people first – over schedules and the material aspects of life. He, however, was not without structure – he always kept his mission and purpose in mind. 

The lack of flexibility can come from what might be called ‘truth owning’. This is the belief that ‘I am right and you are wrong’ – and so you must conform to my ways. People that hold this belief too tightly are relational hazards. They can become angry, sometimes very angry, when others do not recognize and surrender to their ‘truth’. They can become dictators in their own family or work place, and people will tend to avoid them or ‘walk on eggshells’ around them. 

If you are one of these truth owners, you have some work to do. You must make modifications to your belief system. Only God is the source or owner of ultimate Truth. Our truth is our perspective and opinion.  

Sometimes our rigidity may come from an obsessive-compulsive nature that needs to be brought under control. If we are unable to do that on our own then we may need help. When our belief is that it does not need to be brought under control (because we are right, and if everyone was like me the world would be a better place) then we may be dealing with a personality issue that needs deeper help.

Proverbs 16:12   There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death.

So, where are you on the flexibility scale?  

Expectations

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Eph 5:21

When we talk about expectations, in terms of relationships, we are usually referring to the behavioral aspects of a relationship; the roles that we are assuming the other will play and the rules that they will follow when we are united.  But, I’ve found that people not only have subconscious expectations of what a person should “do”, but often also who they should ‘be’ or become. This can be the most frustrating and demoralizing thing about the first few years of marriage.

An example of this is when a woman marries a guy who is kind and easy going, and then when married, expects him to become the leader and to be assertive (in the ways she wants him to lead, of course).

Or a man who marries a career gal, who is assertive and motivated, and then wants her to settle down and take care of him and raise kids instead, when this is not something about which they had agreed.

In our pre-marriage class we say, “What you see is what you get.”  If your future mate is laid back and quiet, well, that’s what you get.  If your beloved is upbeat and an extrovert, well, that’s what you get. If you can’t live with them the way they are, don’t choose that person.

What aspects of the person you are dating or married to are the most difficult for you, or the most different from who you are? What adjustments will you have to make to accommodate your differences?

If you are not yet married, how far are you willing to bend, rather than asking him or her to change? Or, if your partner’s behavior is really a problem, how willing are they to develop a new life pattern before you get married? The answers to these questions may predict either a satisfying or a conflicted marriage.

What if you are already married and realize that you did not give enough thought to these questions before you tied the knot?

My only answer is that you must work on mutual acceptance. You must focus on the positive aspects of the relationship that drew you together in the first place. There may be opportunities along the way for you and your partner to grow in the direction of your desires, but change is slow and hard and must be encouraged with kindness.

There may be grief involved in accepting the loss of the way you had hoped things would be. But there is also peace that comes with letting go of unrealistic expectations. 

Are You in a Relationship with a Mean Cat?

Somewhere around third grade I remember visiting a friend from school. He had cats; our family had dogs (and rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, birds, fish and turtles). We loved our pets – they were a significant part of our upbringing. But I wasn’t familiar with cats, and so I was shocked when my friend’s cat turned from purring as I stroked it, to sinking its teeth in me. I’m not talking about a friendly nip, but an aggressive chomp. But as surprised and upset as I was, retaliation was not an option that I considered. 

I bring this up because kindness to animals is a good indicator of character. 

There are psychological disorders where cruelty to animals can be a symptom – Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is one and so is Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopathy). This disregard for animals may eventually translate into abuse (emotional or physical) towards you or those you love. People with these disorders lack empathy. They are not able to identify with the pain of others and so may inflict it carelessly or even with delight! This might be something that can be overlooked or ignored when evaluating a relationship. I’m not implying that you should be looking for and diagnosing a disorder, but rather being aware of unusual behavior. 

I also have concerns about people who hold the value of an animal above or at the same level as people. I believe somewhere along the way they have picked up hurts that have not been resolved. Although God has given life to both humans and animals, He has given a special position to those who have been made in His image. 

A person can be a mean cat, too.

I have always maintained that another good predictor of character is the way a person treats people who serve them, whether a wait person in a restaurant, an employee or a public servant. I watch people in positions of power to see how they care for people. Does the person you are in a relationship with have a natural demeanor of humility or do they seem to think of themselves as better than others? It’s possible that they may see you as inferior in time, and will treat you accordingly. 

We can be confused by what we may view as “high standards” in a person, when in reality it is really a critical spirit or an arrogant attitude. Good character displays good values, and good values include kindness and acceptance of others. Harshness is the result of a cold and unforgiving heart. 

I have friends that naturally seek out those who might normally be disregarded by others, and treat them as equals. I really admire that quality in them. I believe they experience life and love at a deeper level. Their hearts are tuned to a different frequency than most people. You might say they are tuned to a “God frequency”. They take the gift of compassion to a whole new level. 

I think this is a good verse to use for these kinds of evaluations: 

Romans 12:3 - For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

6 Signs That You Are Ready For Marriage

 

After having taught 50 premarried classes, and counseled umpteen couples, Nan and I have learned a few things about relationships and what makes them work. We could add a lot more to this list of course, but these ones came to mind quickly.

1. You are a great listener

Listening intently communicates that you are interested in what the person is saying, that you are attuned to them. What they are talking about may not seem as important to you, but they are important to you, so you give them your full attention.

2. You have learned how to share.

We all learned the importance of sharing in kindergarten. As adults we may have to learn it all over again. What do we need to share in a marriage? Our time, our resources, our more vulnerable self. Sharing builds unity, the “us-ness” in a relationship.

3. You are good at regulating your emotions.

Managing emotions well is a sign of maturity. When we are able to express our feelings without over or under reacting we will create the environment where conflicts have the potential to be resolved well. This may not have been modeled in our families as we grew up and may take some re-learning how to effectively manage our emotional triggers.

4. You have learned how to forgive.

In a relationship there will always be times when we mess up. The ability to forgive one another is essential to maintaining connection. We also need to appropriately forgive ourselves. Unforgiveness keeps us stuck with grudges and resentments and relational brokenness and usually grows with time. Forgiveness is not ignoring hurts, but entering into a process where the wounds can be resolved.

5. You have reasonable expectations for yourself and your partner.

Reasonable expectations allow for growth and harmony in a relationship. Unexpressed and unreasonably high expectations of each other lead to misunderstandings and unnecessary conflicts. Expectations need to be expressed, negotiated and agreed upon. This can prevent either partner from having to “walk on eggshells”.

6. You DON’T have unprocessed trauma, significant debt, or unaddressed addictions.

Any one of these things are potential disasters waiting in the wings. It would be naive to think that they will not be a problem sometime in the relationship. These things can be a source of shame, and therefore the tendency might be to keep them hidden in hopes they will sort themselves out over time. But often they just become a bigger obstacle. It takes courage to face them, but what a relief it is to be free of the hold they can have.

We know it takes determination and courage to grow in all of these areas. You may need to delay moving forward in a relationship until there is significant change in you or your partner. But we can attest to the benefit of dealing with issues before you say “I do”.

Just Positive Comments On Relationships

As this is a holiday week, I am going to make sure that my post is about what goes right in a relationship rather than what can go wrong. Although both must be considered at times, I want my mind and spirit directed towards the positive.

As I get older and wiser, I am becoming more aware of wanting to make Nan happy, not just be willing to compromise my selfish desires. It’s a different motivation. I have heard that codependents actually operate from a selfish place, wanting to make others happy so that they can feel happy, or at least free of stress. That’s not the same thing as wanting to truly see another filled with joy.

I am hoping that this has not been a struggle for you. I know that for some it is not. Or perhaps this was easier when the relationship first began, but things have changed. I do know this: as a couple when you have the other person’s happiness as your goal, when both of you try to out love your mate, it is likely you both will also feel personally joyful.

What this requires, of course, is being a student of your partner. It requires studying them and really knowing the things that make them happy. What are on their list of favorites? I am not just talking about material things, but experiences and interests and colors and entertainment choices, etc. What does he like to read (does he even like to read)? What is her love language?  

Nan loves to stare at water – any water: beach, lake, stream, river. If I want to make her happy on vacation, it will include some kind of water. She knows for me that a vacation must include an opportunity for solitude. A high-rise hotel just won’t make it for me. Shopping is not important for either one of us (except food), but don’t deprive us of good coffee. We know this about each other and try to plan accordingly.

Dreaming Together

When a couple is able to dream together, it creates intimacy. Can you dream with your partner and feel understood? It may be that your dreams are not always aligned, but can you lend energy to your partner’s vision even if you cannot support it? When Nan and I dream together there is a point where we become divergent, but we try to stay with the parts where we can agree.

Have you ever asked your partner what makes them happy? Have they ever asked you? I know some of you out their want your partner to “just know”. But it is a fair question, especially if you really want to be known. Don’t get mad or be frustrated by that question. It may not seem that romantic, but neither is having a mate that misses the mark all the time. This is an important aspect of good communication.  

One last comment about vacation. I know at least several couples that get along so well on vacation, but struggle at home. Whatever you tend to do on vacation that makes the difference needs to be figured out. And then do your best to make the necessary changes. It might just be as simple as carving out a few minutes each day to talk to each other.  

Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

Romans 12:10

The 18 Red Flags Of Relationships (Danger)

If you have attended one of our pre-married/pre-engagement classes you have already seen this list. For those who haven’t and are considering marriage, this is a wonderful time to pause and do some serious evaluating.

Not all of these need to be considered deal breakers, but once the wedding process is on “full speed ahead” it is very difficult to stop it or slow it down. But I assure you – it would be better than proceeding when there may be factors in the relationship that are particularly troublesome. It is so much easier to deal with issues before joining your lives together. Once the rings are on, some people are not willing to face the painful places in their lives. Do it while you both have a stronger motivation and before inertia has set in.

So look over this list carefully and don’t minimize or rationalize away the problems. Marriage should be a lifetime commitment and it takes both your brain and your heart to be in sync when you make the second most important choice in your lifetime.

• You’ve known the person for less than a year
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Over dependency on family
• Over dependence on partner
• Serious quarrelling (or uncontrolled anger, raging)
• Many significant people in your life are uncomfortable about your relationship
• If there is a serious problem that is unresolved
• Significant financial problems or serious debt
• You feel pressured to marry due to age, sex, etc
• You believe sexual involvement must lead to marriage
• Both are 18 or younger
• You just have to get out of your parent’s house
• Pregnancy
• Strong cultural, social or economic differences
• There’s no plan for your relationship – no goals
• God is not as important to your partner as to you
• Unaddressed abuse in either person’s background (physical, sexual or emotional)
• Physical abuse – even once (get out) 

So what did you notice? Are there any items that made you uncomfortable? Or are you smiling because nothing applied to your relationship? You may have to dig a bit deeper into the relationship to find out some of the answers. You may have to ask family or friends or other trusted people in your life what they see. Weigh their answers carefully, especially from those who are not overly critical or overly positive by nature.

By the way, if you were wondering about the first most important choice in your life: it is making a commitment to follow Christ.

Running With Persons of Quality

When you think of the word ‘quality’, what comes to mind for you? I think of concepts like value, excellence, worth, weightiness and the like. These words all describe positive or desirable characteristics. I easily apply the concept of quality to the things in my life that I want to acquire. What I am really saying is that I desire ‘high or good’ quality in the things that surround me.

It is the same for the people in my life. I want to be in healthy relationships with people of substance that can help me reach my goals in life. It is far more difficult to push through life’s issues when the preponderance of my acquaintances are always self-destructing from bad choices. I am not advocating avoiding all these people. God often appoints us to enter into the lives of hurting people to be salt and light. But I must be careful when choosing my closest friends.

When it comes to choosing a life partner I want to be particularly diligent. No other decision will affect me as completely as the person I marry (at least in this life). That is why Nan & I encourage dating people to take their time and do the critical preliminary work before making a permanent commitment.  

So how do I locate these quality people?

I must attract them. And the way I attract them is by being the kind of person that I desire to have in my life. After all, birds of a feather do flock together. Over the years I have had to eliminate people from my life that were not good for me. It is never easy, often painful to leave these relationships. But I will be identified by the people that I choose to associate with.    

Few of us would probably think that we are not a person of quality, yet it’s probable that all of us could use a good “housecleaning” time to time.  Some of us might even need a full remodel – but one from the inside out, not just patching and painting the exterior.

Of course what we are talking about is character.

I really struggle to tell the “most honest version” at times. I love to dress up my flaws in such a way as to present myself in the best light. But I am really messing with my character. I love comfort, but often preserving my character means being uncomfortable, taking the hits.

What are the qualities that you most value in a person? Are they those deep characterological traits that are enduring, or are you more concerned with superficialities and “window dressing”? As a youngster I was much more apt to chase outward beauty, the trappings of success, and things with temporary value. Now, not so much.

As John Ortberg says in a book of the same title; (referring to our life) “When the game is over, it all goes back in the box.”

The question is – will we cheat our way through the game with partners of the same mindset, or play with integrity, no matter the outcome.

 Hebrews 12:1-2 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.

Trying Too Hard To Make A Relationship Work

I’m all about perseverance. If you are going to survive in any type of sales career (like I had been in for 34 years), you will have to acquire a good dose of it. But I have also had to learn when it was time to quit. There is a fine line between being diligent and being self-defeating.

It can be the same in a pre-married relationship.

Sometimes it’s just too hard to close the sale and go from not married to married. I have seen many couples fight an uphill battle trying to “make” a relationship work. Here are a few indicators that you might be trying too hard.

• The relationship seems more like work than fun. It is necessary to do a certain amount of investigative and other preparatory work before making such a significant commitment. But is most of the joy and delight missing when you are together?

• There is a lot of conflict. We go by the 80/20 rule. Are 80% of your interactions positive or do you find yourselves dealing with a significantly higher percentage of conflict?

• You’ve been in counseling for too long a time. Have you wisely entered into pre-married counseling but discover there are so many challenges that it drags on and becomes more like “trying to save this marriage” counseling?

• You are constantly being compelled to change. It may be that you feel you are unacceptable to your partner unless you make a lot of changes. Growth is good, but are you being asked to become someone you are not, especially when you like who you are?

• You have to defend the relationship to family and friends. Do the people that really know you express their concern for you? Do you find yourself having to distance from them in order to preserve the relationship equilibrium?

• You breakup and makeup several times. Do you go through this cycle expecting that “this time” it will be better and finally work out? Is it hard to admit that you have chosen poorly?

• You just can’t quite commit. Maybe there is a good reason and God is protecting you. Do you feel restrained in your spirit?

You are not a “loser” because you decide to move on when a premarried relationship is too hard. You are actually displaying wisdom and maturity. It may be hard for you to trust that God will not abandon you in your desire for a relationship. But I would encourage you to trust regardless.

Proverbs 14:12 (NLT) There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.

Yelling, Screaming, Raging and Lecturing

There are many spouses who would never contemplate hitting their mate, but think nothing of yelling, screaming, raging and lecturing them, sometimes for hours.

I want to suggest that yelling at your spouse is a verbal slap to the heart.

Although physically assaulting your wife or husband (even once) is generally considered an adequate reason to separate until the wounded spouse feels safe – verbal assaults may do just as much damage and lead to the same result. And the heart may take a much longer time to heal than the body.

Lecturing a spouse is treating them like a child. I don’t care how much you feel the need to berate them or “educate” them; it is just wrong and contemptuous. The worst time and place to do this is in the bedroom at bedtime. The other worst time to do this is during the rest of the day. If you find yourself wanting to do this, take a break, get away and settle down.

It might even be worse for the child of a raging parent. There is a larger power imbalance and the dependency needs are greater. The kids can’t always leave the room to protect themselves emotionally. I have heard adult children confess that they would have preferred being spanked to having to endure the intense screaming and shaming. One man said this to me:

“Whenever Dad yelled at me the look on his face said he hated me and was disgusted with me.”  Then the man broke down crying.

I wonder if your spouse feels hated too when you scream at them?

Often this is a family of origin issue, meaning that it was behavior that was modeled in the family in which you grew up. Mom or Dad was a yeller, and so it just feels normal to scream at people. It might be normal to you, but it may not be normal to the others around you – and it certainly isn’t healthy or mature.

Sometimes the angry behavior is a way of coping with depression. It is said that women tend to go sad and cry when depressed and men tend to go angry and aggressive. When we act out angry feelings there is a boost in adrenaline that may pull us temporarily out of the feeling of depression. Unfortunately it is also followed by a letdown and usually a feeling of regret for pushing people away.

The best solution I know is to run away when you feel compelled to act out. Separate yourself as quickly as possible and let the feelings dissipate. For some people fear and anxiety drives them to lash out. Take yourself away and sort out the feelings so that you can deal with people calmly and rationally.

And lastly and most importantly, according to the Bible, it is often also a sin that separates us from God. 

Ephesians 4:26 (NIV) “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. 

Proverbs 22:24-25 (NIV) Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.

Emotional Ransomware

I once got attacked by an Internet virus in the category called “ransomware”. It installs itself on your computer and encrypts all your files of certain types so they cannot be read. In my case it encrypted all my pictures, word processor, spreadsheet and pdf files. And yes, I went through the stages of grief. It is very insidious because it comes with a promise to restore files that were stolen from you – for a price. The rub, of course, is that you have to trust a criminal to follow through with what they promise. And you have to arrive at the assumption “Not likely.”

I wonder if there are also emotional equivalents in relationships. In the computer version, you believe you are allowing a legitimate program to install on your hard drive, usually in the form of a software or program update. In the emotional version you allow someone to install a program on your heart. And if that “program” has bad intentions or is damaged, it  steals your confidence, your dignity, your choices, or some other quality of life.

What ransom is being asked for by the thief? Perhaps it’s sex. Or it might be complete obedience or exclusivity. Maybe it’s a demand to accept bad behavior unconditionally like anger or criticism or manipulative crying or selfishness.    

Breaking it down, what did I do wrong?

First, I was too fast to respond. I didn’t take my time and really pay attention and think through my actions. I ignored a little voice inside of me that asked “Are you sure?” Instead, I wanted to move ahead with the current task and so accepted what was interrupting my screen. Impatience can really get me in trouble sometimes.

Secondly, I was too trusting. I should not have accepted the request on face value without investigating further. I can be naïve. “No one would really try to harm me.” Really? So what are all those security programs for? It's just too easy for someone to copy and paste a logo and make it look authentic.

So when it comes to relationships are you impatient? Do you move ahead too quickly out of desire to move from “me” to “us”? As you got older did you feel the time was running out and so now you are not as cautious as you once were? Or maybe you have always been this way and need to reassess.

Are you too trusting and transparent and tend to open up completely when you should be observing and testing. Trust is not just supposed to be given unconditionally. It must be earned over time. Are you swayed by the company a person keeps assuming they are just as reliable? That’s the equivalent of a cut-and-pasted logo. Authenticity is not guaranteed.

A well known verse in the Bible says:

Proverbs 4:23 Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

I think that’s the best advice of all!