Hard and Soft Boundaries

Healthy boundaries protect marriages, relationships and children.

I heard a true story of a rural elementary school that was built on a large piece of real estate. When it was built there was no need to fence it in because there were no safety dangers. The teachers on yard duty just had to keep an eye on the group as they played during recess. As time went on, the adjacent area grew busier and the rural streets were paved and car traffic came closer to the school. The teachers had to set an imaginary boundary for the kids quite a distance from the street for safety. But now the kids’ play area was greatly curtailed. The balls would often roll into the “forbidden zone”, but the kids couldn’t fetch them without adult assistance.

Eventually a high fence was constructed around the play area close to the street that included the formerly off-limits part. The kids could once again use the entire playground because it was safe. Where the imaginary line had been mostly adequate, it had still carried some limitations and risk. This is a great example of soft vs. hard boundaries.

Whether hard or soft, when boundaries are used appropriately they are designed to protect. In relationships they either protect us or others, or both. In abusive relationships, toxic boundaries are usually set to control or manipulate others (“Do that one more time and I leave!”) A soft boundary I might set is to avoid talking about a particular subject (like politics) with certain people. I do not want to cut off the relationship, but I do want to avoid the danger zone. 

Another soft boundary might be with time issues. With someone who is constantly late, I might be flexible to a certain degree – but when they are excessively late I may confront them or cancel an appointment or date. In this case I extend some grace but protect them from my anger or resentment when they push my limit.

When interventions are done with addicts, the family and friends always set a “bottom line”. This is a classic hard boundary – and it is absolutely necessary. It is usually very difficult for the family, but love for the addict compels them to suffer the pain of setting and following through no matter what. But if they waffle on the hard boundary in any way the intervention will be a failure. Softer boundaries can be set when the addict completes treatment.

Setting Boundaries

I hate to set boundaries. I don’t like conflict. I hate for people to be displeased with me. But when we set boundaries, people will be angry or disappointed with us. It is unavoidable. I have had family members voice this to me directly. But I am willing to endure the discomfort in favor of emotional health.

Sometimes we set hard boundaries because we are unwilling to navigate the uncertain waters of softer ones. This is a mistake because it often wrecks or ends relationships. We have to be very careful not to set limits with anger or hostility. The goal is not to punish, but protect.

How about you? Do you struggle with this issue? Do you have a hard time settings limits, perhaps because of codependency? Are you harsh in the way you handle disappointments with people? Are you in denial about the need for certain limits in your life? Are you suffering because you are afraid to make a healthy choice, even when you know it must be done?

Those who are in abusive relationships often struggle the most with this issue. If this is you, get some help. Strengthen yourself by enlisting a support team and experiencing the kind of freedom that God would want for you. You might start by reading the book “Boundaries” by Cloud & Townsend.  

Learning To Say NO

If you are like me, there are times that saying “no” is extremely difficult. The natural people pleaser in me comes out in full force and I struggle with feelings of guilt.

Actually I vacillate between feelings of guilt and feelings of resentment. I want to both please myself, and please others, but it’s just not always possible. Sometimes there is an opportunity to reach a compromise that is workable, and I try for that when it concerns people close to me. But there are other times when I must make a choice.

This becomes particularly important when it involves a conflict between time or money spent for things inside versus outside of my relationship. Commitment to one thing means not being available for something or someone else. When that someone else is my spouse there can be potential for some serious consequences.

So how do I learn to say no without feeling any guilt?

I think the first step is to realize that what we are feeling is usually false guilt. Often we are not doing anything wrong, it just feels that way. I have a right to make choices for my life, and I may need to change my self talk from self condemning to self affirming. This is not an excuse to make all my decisions selfish choices, but rather to embrace the reality that I need to exercise good self care and protect my primary relationships as well.

Part of the solution is to learn how to be gracious and effective in the way we turn people down. People use four strategies to say “no”. Only one is desirable. (From “The Power of a Positive No” by William Ury and thanks to Michael Hyatt).

Accommodation: We say Yes when we want to say No. This happens when we value the relationship of the person making the request above the importance of our own interests.

Attack: We say no poorly. This is a result of valuing our own interests above the importance of the relationship. Sometimes we are fearful or resentful of the request and overreact to the person asking.

Avoidance: We say nothing at all. Because we are afraid of offending the other party, we say nothing, hoping the problem will go away. It rarely does.

Affirmation: We use a formula of “Yes-No-Yes.” This is in contrast to the ordinary “No” which begins with a No and ends with a No. A positive No begins with a “Yes” and ends with a “Yes.”

The reality is that our resources are finite, and we must be wise about how we distribute them. Will we be misunderstood? Will people be irritated, offended or disappointed when we say “No”? Unfortunately, the answer will often be “Yes”.

Learning to deal with those uncomfortable feelings is part of our maturity. From a psychological perspective, it is overcoming our codependency. From a spiritual perspective it is being a good steward.  

Stress and Anxiety

I tend to write fairly often about the subjects of stress and anxiety. Why? Statistics show that about 1 in 5 of the adult population of the US are affected by an anxiety disorder each year. 31% of adults will experience an anxiety disorder sometime in their life. For adolescents the percentage is slightly higher at 32%. That would make it the #1 issue facing the mental health community.  

How is stress different from anxiety?

Stress is your response to a change in your environment, be it positive or negative. Anxiety is an emotion that’s characterized by a feeling of apprehension, nervousness, or fear.  Acute anxiety is temporary, like a roller coaster ride, and can be positive, whereas chronic anxiety is pervasive and long term and likely to cause very negative results.

Chronic stress is long-term stress, such as that caused by traumatic events or miserable living conditions. Untreated chronic stress can contribute to major depressive disorder, a form of intense depression that lasts for long periods and can prevent someone from living a normal life. Chronic stress also can contribute to physical illnesses, including high blood pressure, heart disease, depression, and obesity.

Money, work, and the economy continues to be the most cited (75%) causes of stress for Americans.

I see stress separate from distress. Whenever I visit a brand new place, particularly when it is very unfamiliar, I tend to feel stress. But I am not distressed, just excited. Distress comes when I cannot maintain a degree of control in the new environment.

Here are some truths about stress and some myth-busters.

• Stress does not cause your hair to turn grey.
• Cuddling your pet, significant other, child or listening to music lowers your stress. 
• Stress does not cause ulcers, it just makes them worse. 
• There is no link between stress and infertility. 
• According to the American Cancer Society, no definite link between stress and cancer has been found. 
• Stress can cause erectile dysfunction and loss of libido. 
• Women are twice as likely as men to be affected by generalized anxiety disorder. 
• Daily exercise greatly helps to reduce the effects of stress. 
• Anger or hostility releases stress hormones into the blood and can cause heart problems. 
• Smoking cigarettes does not reduce stress. 

Focusing on the positive (gratitude), speaking soothing words to yourself, praying and practicing deep breathing can be very helpful. The combination of medications and psychotherapy is highly effective with anxiety issues. 70-90% of people experience an improvement.  

Learn to set realistic goals for yourself at home and at work, and have good boundaries with people. If it is hard for you to say “no”, then you need to enlist some help. Prepare for change as far in advance as you can, and lower your expectations. You will likely lead a much calmer life.

Finding Your Voice

In counseling, the concept of “finding your voice” may come up as a topic or issue. Usually it is because someone has had a hard time speaking up when appropriate, or has been silenced because of various reasons. It can be a pretty sensitive area when the person has been a victim of physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

Especially in marriage it is good to have an equal voice and shared power (along with equal responsibility) and we encourage people to ask for what they need. If we continually sublimate our desires to someone else’s we will eventually build up toxic resentment and bitterness. Trying to keep the peace by not speaking up in a relationship is very risky. It is with both our words and actions that we set appropriate emotional and physical safety boundaries that declare “This is my property, stay off!”. Sometimes, however, when a person is learning to exercise their power in this new way they may overcompensate and create new problems.

                IMMATURE                     MATURE                                       IMMATURE

--------------Reactive-------------    -------------------     ------------------Reactive------------------      

Passive Victim                                  Assertive           Aggressive          Rageful Victimizer

            |                      |                             |                          |             |                  |     

                     Passive Aggressive                                         Angry Aggressive

As you can see on the above chart, the range of response is a continuum from very passive to very aggressive. I would suggest that the goal is right in the middle, communicating in a firm, but kind manner. That is assertiveness. From a spiritual perspective, we call this “speaking the truth in love”. It respects both us and them and creates an environment where closeness is possible. Both withdrawal and aggression creates distance within a relationship, but kind honesty is fertile soil for something positive to grow.

When a person has been a victim of something serious, regulating their emotions and behavior and finding a balance may be very challenging. Not wanting to risk becoming a victim again, they might overestimate what is required to remain safe (overpowering).  This is when having a counselor or mentor to give feedback can be very helpful.

From a spiritual perspective, the Bible has many cautionary verses about anger and aggression. It is an area that is more likely to get away from us once we enter the territory. I also think we have a higher risk of practicing self-deception as we try to justify our over-reactive or sinful behavior in retrospect. On the other hand, measured responses have the potential to promote understanding and intimacy. Find your voice, but find the balance.

Proverbs 16:24(NLT)

Kind words are like honey — sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.

James 1:19-20(ESV)

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God

Bitterness

There are times as a counselor when I feel a deep sadness along with a large dollop of frustration. I expect to feel sad as I hear of people’s pain. It is just plain hard to listen to the results of sin, regret, and/or natural or unfortunate circumstances in the lives of people.

But my frustration comes when progress is blocked by a client tenaciously holding on to something of a destructive nature that yields no possible benefit.

Bitterness is one of these with disastrous relational results.

Bitterness separates parents from children, husbands from wives, and congregants from churches. It can rip close friends apart from one another leaving both lonely and dissatisfied. Why would we hold on to such a destructive force as cold resentment when we are quite aware of how it hurts us and others?    

The answer is not very pretty: It is power that can be used to control or punish others and justify our bad behavior. I give myself permission to withhold love and approval. I build a fortress of protection from relational risk. But I am also out of the will of God.

There are times when it is appropriate to set boundaries with people in order to stop or prevent damage. But these boundaries must be set with love with a goal towards restoration if possible. How can we move towards reconciliation if our heart is cold and hard?

In bitterness spouses will withhold conversation, friendliness,  or sex. Or they will communicate only in anger, sarcasm or irritability, needlessly maintaining walls of separation. The results are a loveless or shallow marriage. Children will become rebellious and disrespectful and parents will deny the nurturance that all sons and daughters need to become healthy adults.

The Bible says that forgiveness (as opposed to reconciliation) is not an option. And the truth is that often we are the only one that suffers as our heart shuts down. The ability to forgive is both an act of the will and an act of obedience. It is also a supernatural occurrence because the truth is that I rarely feel the strength or the inclination. Can I really utter the words “not my will but thy will be done” in my humanness?

It is with love that I write these words because my joy is in seeing reconciliation and restoration in the lives of people I care about. It is always difficult to be the one who takes a risk and makes a first move. Often that first move is internal, allowing God to work on our hearts. It is a surrender to love that far surpasses our ability to comprehend it. Only God can effectively remove our bitterroot judgments. And only with our cooperation will He do that.

Eph 4:31-32 (NLT) Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

NOISE

 

Sound that is loud, unpleasant, unexpected, or undesired. A loud outcry or commotion.

I have always been sensitive to noise. Not sound. Sound has been one of my biggest joys in life. You all know what I mean – music, laughter, rain, voices of the people we love. Sound is truly a gift from God.

Noise, on the other hand, comes in many forms and is not necessarily auditory. There are unwelcome sounds, like the barking of a dog when we are trying to sleep, helicopters or jet airplanes that seem like they are about to land in our living room. We could all name many more sources of unwelcome sounds. But for me, those are not the most troubling.

The noise of negativity, fear and emotional conflict is the loudest and most distressing. It is like a huge vacuum cleaner sucking up joy and peacefulness. And I let it happen. Sometimes I even pursue it. Or create it. At the least I feed it.

As a counselor I spend a lot of time trying to help people reduce the emotional noise in their lives. Inaccurate beliefs, misinformation and trauma all create a mind full of chaos. The result is confusion – a lack of clarity. When we can’t see beyond the noise we might become impulsive, compulsive or frozen.

Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. Psalm 34:14

I don’t know if I can call doomscrolling evil, but I can safely call it unproductive and feeding on garbage. It adds to the noise and it never produces peace. It produces all kinds of pessimistic feelings. Fear, sadness, powerlessness and anger are all the outcome of hours spent entertaining oneself with negative social media. Looking for the worst in people we interact with is a type of emotional doomscrolling.

There are at minimum two things that every human being needs to thrive emotionally: love and safety. Studies have shown that deprived of these, we will also suffer physically. In the extreme, the lack of either of these two conditions will produce trauma that may take years to unravel.

So how do we turn down the noise?

On the receiving side we must distance ourselves from the sources that produce the noise. Some years back I had become addicted to talk radio programs. I had to break the habit. I was feeding more on the media and less from the word of God. I changed my listening diet. Much earlier in my life there were toxic people with whom I had to restrict or break my connection. It was not easy, but it gave me room for healthier relationships.

On the giving side we can be the source of kindness. It is a powerful antidote to all the anxiety and stress that people are enduring these days. Kind connection. Ready smiles. Gentle words. Patience. Practice gratitude every day. All of these help to turn down the noise.

“Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony”
Colossians 3:14

Visiting Home

Jessica had a rocky childhood. It was plagued by a lot of emotional turmoil and conflict as a result of feeling unwanted. Her parents were emotionally disconnected and her older brother became her mother’s confidant. Her mother had expectations of her, to do chores and not get in trouble, but there was little warmth between them. Her father checked out of the family emotionally and spent as much time at his job as possible. So Jessica grew up feeling that she was not lovable and worthy of attention.

Eventually Jessica moved out, got married and started a family of her own. Unlike her father, her husband was warm and supportive. They moved several hundred miles away from her parent’s home. Things were certainly better, but she still felt somewhat insecure and anxious, especially when it came time to make the annual trip to see her parents and siblings for Christmas.

What was driving this anxiety about visiting home? 

Jessica still held expectations that things within her family of origin would change. Each year she visited, she hoped that she would finally feel special and loved. But her Mom, an active narcissist, still primarily pursued and got attention from her brother and his family. Her Dad was better these days and connected with her family, but not intimately with her. Each year she let her unmet childhood needs rule her thinking and her emotions.

So what should Jessica expect when she visits home each year?

Nothing. Tough as it sounds, grieving the loss of the way it should have been growing up and holding no expectations of change in the future is the only healthy choice. She can actively choose to go through a process of forgiving her parents for the hurts they caused when she was growing up. And she can lovingly detach when she visits, keeping the interactions light and polite.

It probably sounds unfair that Jessica needs to do the work of healing. After all, it’s her parents who missed the mark. And it isn’t fair – but it’s necessary. Otherwise, Jessica will be re-wounded every time she visits and she will become more and more bitter and resentful, and it will leak into her relationships with her husband and children.   

Christ did not ask us to walk the easy path. He asked us to walk the path of freedom. Often that path is uphill and twisty, and hard to see ahead. And we have to trust that the path leads us to where we want to go. Trust is the belief in an unseen outcome, because of the assurance of the source of our information. Hopefully you place your trust in Jesus Christ, who is the same yesterday, today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)  

5 Mistakes Women Make When Dating

Guest Post by Melissa Mills 

I’m a recovering serial monogamist, which basically means that I’ve been in several relationships in my life, beginning at 15. As part of this, I’ve dated a variety of guys and have learned quite a bit about what to do and what to avoid. That said, the most interesting part of my dating journey has been moving from never thinking that I would want to date a Christian (mostly out of fear, if I’m honest) to wanting to date someone who not only goes to church but who loves Jesus with both his words and his actions.

Having navigated the dating world before and after deciding to follow Jesus, I think that dating as a Christian can be more confusing than dating outside of the church. That’s why I have a passion for talking about relationships, dating, and helping women navigate the process.

When Dave asked me to write a blog about common mistakes that I think women make, I was excited to share my thoughts. This is by no means a complete list, but just some of my thoughts as I’ve been both a participant in and an observer of the Christian dating scene.

5 Mistakes Women Make When Attempting To Date:

1)   Avoiding Dating Out Of Fear.

I’ve talked to many a woman who “just isn’t looking for a guy right now.” Let’s be honest, if we’re single and in our mid to late 20s or 30s, we’re almost always looking. We just say that we aren’t because we’re afraid of rejection and disappointment. I know because I did it. And then my roommate told me to stop pretending that I wanted to be single for the rest of my life and told me to take an active role in my own dating life. She told me I needed to try online dating again. I did and, a month later, I met my boyfriend. Don’t let fear be a factor. Get to the bottom of why you’re afraid to date, get rid of that outdated stigma that online dating is taboo, and join a site.

2)   Writing Him Off Too Soon OR Assuming He’s “The One” Before The First Date.

First of all, where in the Bible does it talk about the concept of “The One”?  Second, you don’t have to know if you’re going to marry a guy in order to go to coffee with him and if you do already know, the rest of us want access to your crystal ball. That kind of knowledge only comes with time. On the flip side, you never know what you’re going to learn about yourself, your preferences, or a guy unless you go out on a date with him. It may even take 2, 4 or many dates before you know if there’s a possibility of something more than friendship. Give it a chance if you’re being too closed and if you have the opposite problem, get grounded quick. Otherwise you may end up in Disappointmentville, population: you.

2)   Dating Outside Of Community

You know that girl. The one who disappears when she starts dating? I could have been the president of that club. The problem with dating in a bubble is that you may not be yourself in your relationship, but you’re so emotionally involved in the relationship that you can’t see it for what it is. I have this friend who was in a relationship and every time she was around this guy, her voice got several octaves higher. She had no idea. I tried to tell her that she wasn’t herself around him but until she let me and other friends into her bubble, she couldn’t see it. Ultimately, they broke up. Lesson is: date in community. Bring a few trusted Christians into your process and they will help you with wise counsel as you make decisions about your future.

4) Moving Too Quickly Across Emotional, Physical, and Spiritual Boundaries.

I don’t really need to tell you why this is a bad idea, right? Get accountability with a friend who can help give you an objective perspective about your relationship. Moving too fast means disaster all around. Don’t learn this one the hard way. 

5)  Neglecting Your Character Formation While Dating

I recently read that the majority of Christian marriages break up because of “irreconcilable differences” which could also mean selfishness. Many of us don’t want to submit to another when we’ve gotten so used to the independent life. Take time during your dating process to seek God at every turn. Bring Him into it.

Nothing brings up character issues like trying to communicate and understand another person. Because we’re human, messy, and flawed, our issues will come to the surface. Take this chance to work on any unhealthy patterns. Seek counseling. Pray about it. Journal your thoughts and feelings. You’ll thank yourself later. Promise. :)

These are just five things that I’ve noticed in my own life, although I’m sure you have more. What are other mistakes you’ve observed or experienced with regard to women and dating?

*A lot more of these tips are found in Dr. Henry Cloud’s book “How To Get A Date Worth Keeping. “ It’s basically become a dating manifesto for many of my now dating friends. Give it a read. 

Melissa's Blog: Where My Heart Wants To Go

Help! Stress!

I came across a good article on stress the other day – it went into a lot of the biological and physiological changes that take place in us, as well as the emotional. For me, the most helpful part of the article was when it talked about the psychological damage that is caused by stress.

Studies have shown that stress is most damaging when it has one or more of these conditions:

Repetitive

Unpredictable

Beyond your control

Repetitive – Prolonged exposure to irritations and annoyances takes its toll on our coping abilities. Doing the same boring task over and over again dulls our mind. It becomes more difficult to concentrate and perform well. We worry that we may make mistakes or reach our limit of patience. “I can’t drive this crowded freeway one more day during rush hour.” “I can’t cook one more meal for this ungrateful family.”

Routine in relationships has the advantage of creating stability, but if the routine is inflexible it may become negative and stressful.

Unpredictable – Even more harmful is when there is no possible way of knowing when something bad is about to happen. If you live with an angry or alcoholic person, there most likely is an atmosphere of “walking on eggshells”. You know that things may fall apart at any moment and you will live in a heightened state of alert. Especially if you are a parent you will feel the stress of wondering when to step in and protect the kids from a spouse or even another sibling.

If your job situation is unstable and could end, or your stability is tied to the financial markets there will be a lot of pressure on you. If you live paycheck to paycheck and drive old cars and own old appliances you may always be waiting for something to break and wreak havoc.

Beyond your control – This is most likely the worst of the lot. Having control makes us feel safe and we will often go to great lengths to try to keep from the anxiety produced by uncertainty. Unfortunately that includes trying to control other people or uncontrollable situations. When we try to control others, they will likely rebel after a certain point and we will feel even more at a loss.

As a business owner I can’t make people buy from me. As a husband I can’t force my wife to agree with me. When taxes are raised and food and gas prices continue to escalate, I can mostly sit by and watch it happen.

What are the solutions?

Minimize your exposure to the really annoying people or tasks and alter your routines to break up the tedium of life if repetitiveness is your stressor. Try making more positive responses to people and take the negative thoughts captive.

For the last two, I would encourage you to take control of what you can control. For things that are unpredictable, rather than focusing on worst case scenarios and feeling stuck, work on having several contingency plans to address possible events. When situations are beyond your control, set boundaries and limits and ask for what you need in order to maintain as much positive control as you can. Focus on gratitude even when you don’t feel like it.

Then let the rest go. Be comforted that God is in control – always. He is never blindsided. 

Learning To Say "No"

If you are like me, there are times that saying “no” is extremely difficult. The natural people pleaser in me comes out in full force and I struggle with feelings of guilt.

Actually I vacillate between feelings of guilt and feelings of resentment. I want to both please myself, and please others, but it’s just not always possible. Sometimes there is an opportunity to reach a compromise that is workable, and I try for that when it concerns people close to me. But there are other times when I must make a choice.

This becomes particularly important when it involves a conflict between time or money spent for things inside versus outside of my relationship. Commitment to one thing means not being available for something or someone else. When that someone else is a spouse there can be potential for some serious consequences.

So how do I learn to say no without feeling any guilt?

I think the first step is to realize that what we are feeling is possibly false guilt. Often we are not doing anything wrong, it just feels that way. I have a right to make choices for my life, and I may need to change my self talk from self condemning to self affirming. This is not an excuse to make all my decisions selfish choices, but rather to embrace the reality that I need to exercise good self care and protect my primary relationships as well.

Part of the solution is to learn how to be gracious and effective in the way we turn people down. People use four strategies to say “no”. Only one is desirable. (From “The Power of a Positive No” by William Ury and thanks to Michael Hyatt).

 Accommodation: We say Yes when we want to say No. This happens when we value the relationship of the person making the request above the importance of our own interests.

Attack: We say no poorly. This is a result of valuing our own interests above the importance of the relationship. Sometimes we are fearful or resentful of the request and overreact to the person asking.

Avoidance: We say nothing at all. Because we are afraid of offending the other party, we say nothing, hoping the problem will go away. It rarely does.

Affirmation: We use a formula of “Yes-No-Yes.” This is in contrast to the ordinary “No” which begins with a No and ends with a No. A positive No begins with a “Yes” and ends with a “Yes.” 

The reality is that our resources are finite, and we must be wise about how we distribute them. Will we be misunderstood? Will people be irritated, offended or disappointed when we say “No”? Unfortunately, the answer will often be “Yes”.

Learning to deal with those uncomfortable feelings is part of our maturity. From a psychological perspective, it is overcoming our codependency. From a spiritual perspective it is being a good steward.  

Running Red Lights

Over the years I have run several (at least) red lights. I can honestly say never intentionally (I am a rule follower by nature), but still I have been at risk --  for financial consequences and worse yet, for accidents.

My first ticket was for pushing the limit on a yellow light at age 16. The officer called it a red light violation, while I argued that it was a yellow light save. I lost. (The concept of grace is generally more alive in churches than in the traffic courts.) Probably if I was really honest with myself, I secretly knew that I had crossed a line I shouldn’t have – a limit line that was clearly marked.  

When we get caught for violations at first we might feel victimized, but in truth (after having calmed down) we can admit that the intent of the imposed boundaries are there to  protect us and others. What if running that yellow (OK red) light had resulted in an accident? I could have been hurt or hurt others.

It is the same with moral, relational, financial and physical limits.

This is not a diatribe against risk – reasonable risk in many areas of life is healthy and necessary – it is about knowingly crossing into danger zones hoping not to have to pay a price.

Affairs, gambling, drinking and driving, binging and purging, raging, overspending, lying, cheating, stealing, violence and on and on are all clear boundaries violations. Each time I step over the line I put myself and/or others at risk.

Unfortunately many people have grown up without a clear understanding of where the lines should be drawn. It still amazes me that so many students don’t believe that cheating in school is wrong – or that sex outside of marriage is a moral violation. But it’s even sadder when we are clear about these things and choose to ignore our own values.

Fortunately there are also those yellow lights. They serve as warnings that we have not yet reached the point of no return. They tell us that putting on the brakes is probably a good decision. Our conscience is our yellow light. When we spend time in the Word we are clarifying and strengthening our yellow lights. When we associate with people with good values we are building up our storehouse of wisdom. The prophet Isaiah warns us to listen to the wisdom of others and not rely on our own.

Isaiah 50:11 (NLT)

But watch out, you who live in your own light and warm yourselves by your own fires.

This is the reward you will receive from me: You will soon fall down in great torment.

We cannot avoid all pain in life – it will happen because we live in a broken world. But we do have a certain amount of control over some of our pain – the kind we create by intentionally running red lights. 

Turning Down The Noise

One of the things I most appreciate about our vacations is the space it provides for tuning out the extraneous noise of life and tuning in to what is more important. On our last three vacations not once did we turn on a television, even for a moment.  Instead, we talked to each other, read books together and spent time dreaming together.

Now, in all fairness, we have also “cut the cable” at home, relying on our Internet connection for news and entertainment. So for us this elimination of television is not a spiritual fast, but a significant lifestyle change. One thing I have noticed by this change in habit is that we are much more interruptable. There is none of that shushing each other so we don’t miss what is happening on the tube.

Perhaps there are other ways to achieve a level of peace and contentment as well. Here are some of the things we do.

• We do not allow the telephone to rule our life. Often we check Caller I.D. for telemarketers before picking up the phone. Amazing how those folks never leave a voice message. I apply the same rule to my cellular phone – I have not developed the habit of being tethered to my phone, which I believe creates a false sense of urgency. I do understand the value, but it becomes one more intrusion into my inner world.

• We also carefully consider outside commitments. So many things look appealing and interesting when you are part of a wonderful church community like Christian Assembly. Learning what to say “yes” to becomes a challenge. But if we are to have space for solitude and other spiritual disciplines we need to be mindful of our choices. Work, kids, spouses and friends will all contend for our time. Too many parents are tyrannized by kids’ outside activities. A good parent helps a child make choices and set good boundaries.

• We do not shop as a form of entertainment. I often joke about how many people are at the “Church of the Holy Mall” every Sunday. It is a sad joke, though. As part of our commitment to simplicity, we try to limit our shopping mostly to essentials for life (books are essential, right?). It both helps us keep a budget as well as focus on what is more important to us.

• We do not have any solo, all-consuming hobbies. This can become almost an obsession for some folks. We joke about “sports widows”, but often it is not funny to the lonely spouse. When does exercise become a narcissistic pursuit rather than a healthy one? Does our time at the gym squeeze out our time with God?

Perhaps you can add to my list. I would love for others to post ways in which you preserve sanity in your life and reduce the noise of living in this complex society.

People Pleasers

The nicest clients I work with are from the group we call “people pleasers”. They often seek counseling readily, and are very faithful at attending and doing the “homework” that is assigned (after all, they also want to please me, the counselor).

But lasting change for people pleasers is often more difficult. There are many voices in their lives calling out to them to satisfy relational demands – and it becomes hard deciding which voice to heed, especially when there are competing requests.

People pleasers are “feelers” and making balanced decisions becomes a challenge. “Do I lean in the direction of my head or my heart”? Feelers usually lean towards the heart. “Do I honor myself or honor others?” People pleasers usually sacrifice themselves first.

Unfortunately people pleasers make good victims. They often believe the best in others, and as a result others may take advantage of their good nature and willingness to serve. In the extreme they can end up abused employees, wives, husbands and volunteers.

How would you rate yourself as a people pleaser? Ask these questions.

• “Can I say ‘no’ when I need to?”

• “Do I feel guilty holding boundaries even when I know I am right?”

• “Am I afraid that people won’t like me if I don’t agree with them?”

• “Do I do things for other people that I know they can and need to do for themselves?”

• “Do I think of myself as a ‘rescuer’ and like to take on people as projects?”

There are many more similar questions you could ask yourself, but you get the gist.

We, as believers, are called to serve one another, but people pleasers often find themselves the only one serving (one-way relationships) or resistant to allowing other people to serve them.

If you are a people pleaser, you will have to learn to go against your feelings and endure the anxiety that will surely follow. It can be a slow process and you may need help. But the result is that you will not ‘burn out’ early and will develop true friendships that are based on mutual care. Those are the relationships that are both deeply satisfying and lasting.