The Importance of Fathers

Father’s Day brings up so many varied emotions in people – respect, love, sadness, anger, fear, longing and often apathy. It is rarely neutral, however. I am always touched when I see the loving connection of fathers and children at church. I think “These kids will have a distinct advantage in life.”

I could roll out all kinds of statistics showing the correlation between those who are in the prison system and fatherlessness. But those are well known to most of us and there is little disagreement. But the impact of fathers goes far beyond simply being physically present or absent in a child’s life. The emotional connection is a huge force in the life of a son or daughter.   

I have seen grown up men break down and cry when talking about their fathers. I have seen gentle men tense up and get uncharacteristically angry when the subject of father came up. I have seen girls weep over the relationship that never quite solidified because their dads did not try to really know them.

But I have also heard many really warm stories about how dads are heroes or role models or protectors. And I am not just talking about bio-dads, but those who have stepped into the role and done a remarkable job.

Interesting facts: 

• Girls with a good relationship with their father are less likely to be promiscuous. 

• Kids with a strong father relationship are less likely to get in serious trouble with the law. 

• Kids with a father to back up their mother are more likely to learn to accept authority. 

• Kids with a father in the home are less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. 

• Boys with a good father model are more likely to respect and treat women well. 

• Kids with a strong father connection are more likely to take necessary risks and be more self confident. 

• Having a positive relationship with a father dramatically shapes our view of God 

This is in no way to dismiss the incredible jobs that many single moms do, but most single moms I know wish they had a strong good man in house to share the load.

I am going to post a link on my Facebook page to my Dropbox with an audio file worth listening to. It is from a recovery series by Daryl Pitts on the View of God. I really recommend that you listen to it – and send me feedback. It is my Father’s Day gift to you.    

I Want To Get Married

We often give out a list of “Must Haves” and “Can’t Stands” to singles that are in the search for a mate. They are lists of qualities that they are looking for in a husband or wife. It helps them define the characteristics they are hoping to find in a spouse so they can eliminate inappropriate matches early in the dating process.

Great. But after reading an article on Millennials (born between 1980 and 2000) in the workplace, I realized that we may have been feeding the entitlement tendency of this generation.

Yes, it is helpful to define what a good match for us would look like – but it is equally as important to define what would make us a good mate.

As an employer, when I look at a potential employee I am asking myself the question “What will this person bring to the table if I hire him/her?” I know what I have to offer: a salary, medical benefits, vacation and sick pay, defined working hours, a chance for advancement, etc. But what does the person in front of me bring besides a warm body? I think a single might ask themselves the same question. 

“What do I bring to a relationship that makes me a good catch?”

Here is a starting point. 

• Emotionally mature. I am able to deal with life’s ups and downs without a lot of drama.

• Hard working. I am committed to the domestic and financial health of a marriage.

• Addiction free. I am not controlled by alcohol, drugs, shopping, pornography, Facebook, texting, video gaming, gambling or any other type of addiction.

• A healthy and appealing body. Yes, attractiveness counts. It’s what gets the chemistry started.

• A generous attitude. I am patient and kind and giving towards others. I exude Christ’s love.

• Flexible. I don’t always have to have my own way. I can compromise.

• Realistic. I am able to manage my expectations and appetite for more and bigger.

• Trustworthy and trusting. I am not jealous or possessive. I keep my promises. 

• I am not contentious or argumentative.

One way of determining good personal characteristics is to draw up your own lists of what you do and don't desire, and then make sure you are all of those things, too. If you read through the book of Proverbs, you will get a great sense of what good character looks like on the practical side of life. 1 Corinthians chapter 13 gives you a guideline for being loving. James chapter 1 is also a good chapter to read.

Emotional, Logical, Strategic

When I was a kid I used to love to go to smorgasbords – or buffet meals. I could have anything or everything. It was a feast of unlimited proportions. What a delight! There was a problem, though. The table was big, and my stomach was, well, smaller than I imagined.

I was locked in a battle between the emotional and the logical.

Eating as much as I possibly could because it all looked good would have been an emotional decision. Knowing I couldn’t because my stomach was limited and I would be in pain was a logical one. It put me in a dilemma.

But there was always a third choice. Choose the best and thoroughly enjoy the experience. This is thinking strategically.

Often couples will get locked in conflicts over emotional vs. logical thinking patterns. Not surprisingly it is usually the guy who accuses his beloved of thinking emotionally and the woman asserting that her man has no feelings. Strategic thinking would not permit decisions to be feelings driven, but feelings influenced.

I can see this emotional vs. logical split within the larger culture as well.

There was a motto in the past that said:  “If it feels good, do it” -- definitely an emotional way to think – with a great potential for sin.

But logic could also be applied: “Only do it if you are sure that you won’t get caught and suffer the consequences” – also sinful thinking.

But nothing goes unnoticed by God and so neither position is a good bet. Strategic thinking says God allows us so many good things to choose from, why not choose the best. Like in the Garden of Eden, there were almost unlimited good things to pick from. There was no need to stray.

I think the church gets caught up in this kind of thinking, too. There are congregations where they succumb to unrestrained emotionality in their expression of worship. It is chaotic and feelings driven. But God is not chaotic. He warns us to maintain order when we assemble.

But there is an opposite as well – meetings conducted by rules, rigidity and coldness. There is no sense of love, and no room for the Spirit of God to move. This was the environment of the Pharisees that Jesus warned about when He was here on earth. 

Thinking strategically we would consider the whole Word of God and make balanced decisions, rather than separating out the parts that appeal to us.

In which direction do you lean? Do you need to make some adjustments in your thinking? 

The Hard Way is the Right Way

Every couple of years Nan & I attend an international Christian counseling conference in Nashville. One of the hard tasks is picking out the tracks (classes) that we will attend. There are so many that are enticing. Do we go to tracks that our friends are teaching, or do we go to the really popular ones, or do we choose tracks that will challenge our thinking?

John Townsend is presenting one that besides being popular also sounds intriguing. The title is: The Hard Way is the Right Way: Helping People Face What Must be Faced, and Succeed.

I am anticipating what he might tell us, and I know it’s not what most people want to hear.

I think of the many times I want to follow my feelings and bail out on a hard decision. Then I remind myself that not making a decision is a decision in itself. Ouch! If you are like me, you don’t like conflict. But I know that the path to resolving problems often takes us through the anxiety-producing valley of conflict.

I think of people I know who are facing a lot of financial turmoil. No choice seems to be a good one. There will be loss involved in any decision that they make. Having to choose a painful process is really hard. But it is the right thing to do if getting back to stability is their goal.

What hard choices do you have to face?

• Letting go of a bad relationship?

• Staying in a difficult marriage because you made a commitment before God and others?

• Making decisions about an aging parent?

• Doing an intervention on an addicted family member?

• Letting a child face the consequences of their bad choices? 

• Turning down a lucrative but immoral business decision? 

• Accepting reality when a fantasy is satisfying?

• Standing up for your faith when you know you will be rejected or ridiculed?

I’ll bet all of you could add to this list. I know I could. Really what we are talking about here is following your values rather when they are in conflict with your feelings. And perhaps that means really struggling to clarify and establish your values. Ultimately we will follow what we actually believe. If I don’t believe God is able to see me through a painful place, I will likely fold.

Just something to think about.  

9 Tips For Men For Successful Dating

The other day I was listening to an interesting show on the radio. It was talking about first dates and all the weird, crazy and dumb things that people have experienced. Although some things have changed since I was a young, hormone-driven dating candidate, I don’t believe men and women have. I base my opinion on stories and complaints my single clients have shared with me over the years. One thing in particular has not changed:

Women still want to be pursued, chosen.

This means that the old concept of “winning the woman” is still very much alive. If guys ignore this, they may miss out on worthy women. If women pretend that this doesn’t really matter, they may never feel chosen.

Here are some tips for the men.

• Make the first call. Ask for contact information and follow through. Don’t ask to exchange numbers or email addresses.

• Don’t ignore courtesies like saying “please”, “thank-you”, opening doors for her, etc. You will stand out above the crowd if you do these things.

• Dress appropriately on a date. Yes, that means dress up at least as nicely as she does or even better. It makes her feel special. And do let her know where you are taking her so she can dress suitably for the venue.

• Keep your hands off of her. It is disrespectful to assume you have any kind of access to her body just because she said “yes” to a date. Treat her as if she might become your best friend’s wife. It could happen.  
• Don’t talk about sex or your “ex”. These conversations are for way down the line.

• Pay for the date. Don’t ask that she split the bill – and let her know up front that you want to treat her. Pick something you can afford – even if it’s just modest.       

• Choose a public and lively atmosphere for first dates. Intimate restaurants and meeting places are for serious relationships.

• Don’t overshare. Keep the conversation light and polite. She doesn’t need to know that you battled depression or that you wet your bed until you were 14. Those are details best saved for much later. Limit talking about other people, especially people she doesn’t know (like your family).  

• Ask her general questions about herself and her life, not intimate details. And keep the conversation balanced between talking and listening. Don’t dominate the conversation or fail to participate. Listen for the kinds of activities that she enjoys so that you can use that information for planning other dates if you are interested in pursuing the relationship.

 As a believer, you are representing Christ. You should match your behavior to your beliefs. You are worthy of respect, but you must also act respectable. It will pay dividends as you pursue a lifelong relationship.

17 Warning Signs of a Bad Boyfriend

Although this list was submitted as a warning to women, many or most of these same things could be warnings to men as well. Just substitute ‘her’ and ‘she’ where appropriate.

A married woman who said her husband now wanted a divorce passed along these tips to Dear Abby for the not-yet-married. If you see these red flags, she advises you to dump the guy:

1. If your parents or siblings have doubts about him, pay attention. Listen and check it out.

2. If your intended has nothing good to say about his ex, beware. This is a pattern. Divorce is rarely only one person's fault.

3. If his children have nothing to do with him, do not believe him if he says his ex brainwashed them against him. My stepchildren have told me it was because they hated him, and they have good reasons.

4. Look closely at his credit and job history. They are sure predictors of what your life will be like.

5. If he's over 30 and has no money, don't marry him until he's financially solvent. If he has any respect for you (and himself), he'll insist on it.

6. Be sure in your heart that you can live with him AS IS. You cannot change another person.

7. This is a biggie: Beware if he has no friends. It is not true that they all chose to side with his ex.

8. If your friends dislike him, pay attention. This is also true if he hates your friends.

9. If he has more than one DUI and still drinks, run!

10. If he is one personality at work or with others and another person alone with you, run.

11. If he has nothing to do with his parents, investigate why. Don't take his word for it.

12. If he's an expert at everything and brags a lot, understand that he will turn off a lot of people, eventually maybe even you.

13. If he has problems with sexual desire, get professional help before you marry him. Believe me, his problem will become your problem.

14. If he is emotionally or verbally abusive, it will only get worse. Yelling, name-calling and glowering are classic signs of an abuser.

15. If he is never wrong and never apologizes, everything will be "your fault" forever. And after years of hearing it, you may even start to accept the blame.

16. If he does something wrong and says, "That wouldn't have happened if you hadn't (fill in the blank)," that's another sign of an abuser.

17. And if he's mean to children, pets, or animals, recognize that he's pathological, and the next victim could be you.

5 Things to Avoid In Relationships

One of the advantages of being young is that you have recovery time. If you make a dumb mistake you often have the time to make up for it. I’ve made some financial decisions that I regret. I’ve passed by some opportunities that I wish I hadn’t.

However, one of the (fewer) advantages of being older is that hindsight is always much clearer. I once heard that smart people learn from their mistakes, but wise people learn from the mistakes of others. Oh, yeah – and fools never learn.  I suppose I should admit to being more in the smart group than the wise one. But I have learned some things that are valuable along the way.

Hopefully I can help you join one of the first two groups on some issues.

• Mind reading. Guys, don’t try to read her mind. You will get it wrong. Her girlfriends probably won’t, but you will. Ask for clarification. Women, don’t expect your man to read your mind. He will get it wrong and you will think he doesn’t care. He does care, he’s just clueless. Let him know what you need. And if he does it, let it count. The same thing applies in reverse.

•  Impatience. One of the ways you can know if you are practicing mind reading is that you try to finish your mates’ sentences for them. Or maybe you are impatient. Be respectful and allow your beloved to move at their pace. If they are unusually slow, offer to assist in whatever way you can without being critical.

• Telling the other person how they feel. This bad habit is annoying and also related to mind reading, but more toxic. The other person will feel parented, not cared for. Even worse, if they tell you how they feel, don’t tell them they shouldn’t feel that way. Again, they will feel discounted and parented.

•  Labeling. This is the layman’s (should I say lay person’s?) version of what a professional does, minus the training. It’s a form of diagnosing. From a spiritual standpoint we might call it judging. “You are compulsive.” You are impatient” You are self-centered” It sounds critical, and it is. People often have a hard time breaking free from labels, especially when they correspond to ones given to them by parents or other authority figures.

•  Profanity. We often use the terms cussing or swearing to describe this destructive habit. (Actually swearing is a form of promising.) Here is a definition of profane: to treat (something sacred) with abuse, irreverence, or contempt. Is this how we want to treat someone who God has given to us? Do we want to treat anyone like that? Do we want to profane marriage or treat it as sacred? How about your children? Do you want to treat them profanely? Words once spoken are impossible to retract.

Psalm 19:14 (NKJV)

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer.

Trying Too Hard To Make It Work

I’m all about perseverance. If you are going to survive in any type of sales career (like I have been in for the last 34 years), you will have to acquire a good dose of it. But I have also had to learn when it was time to quit. There is a fine line between being diligent and being self-defeating.

It can be the same in a pre-married relationship.

Sometimes it’s just too hard to close the sale and go from not married to married. I have seen many couples fight an uphill battle trying to “make” a relationship work. Here are a few indicators that you might be trying too hard.

·         The relationship seems more like work than fun. It is necessary to do a certain amount of investigative and other preparatory work before making such a significant commitment. But is most of the joy and delight missing when you are together?

·         There is a lot of conflict.  We go by the 80/20 rule. Are 80% of your interactions positive or do you find yourselves dealing with significant amounts of conflict?

·         You've been in counseling for too long a time. Have you wisely entered into pre-married counseling but discover there are so many challenges that it drags on and becomes more like “trying to save this marriage” counseling?

·         You are constantly being compelled to change. It may be that you feel you are unacceptable to your partner unless you make a lot of changes. Growth is good, but are you being asked to become someone you are not, especially when you like who you are?

·         You have to defend the relationship to family and friends. Do the people that really know you express their concern for you? Do you find yourself having to distance from them in order to preserve the relationship equilibrium?

·         You breakup and makeup several times. Do you go through this cycle expecting that “this time” it will be better and finally work out? Is it hard to admit that you have chosen poorly?

·         You just can’t quite commit. Maybe there is a good reason and God is protecting you. Do you feel restrained in your spirit?

You are not a “loser” because you decide to move on when a pre-married relationship is too hard. You are actually displaying wisdom and maturity. It may be hard for you to trust that God will not abandon you in your desire for a relationship. But I would encourage you to trust regardless.   

Proverbs 14:12 (NLT)

¹² There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.

My Account is Overdrawn

This week Nan had a purchase declined on our credit card because of suspected fraudulent use of our account. Because we used our credit account to pay for funeral expenses we were also dangerously close to our credit limit. It was frustrating and annoying – and maybe a bit embarrassing because this had never happened to her before. (It turned out the bank was being overly cautious.)

As usual we will pay off the balance on our credit card at the end of the month. If we don’t there will be nothing to draw on when we want to use it again. In like manner we must invest in our relational resources as well and build up our line of emotional credit by paying into the account as well as drawing from it.

Have you ever had a relational transaction declined by your partner because you had exceeded your limit of grace and goodwill with them?  

Unfortunately, just like irresponsible spenders, you may be tempted to try to raise your credit limit with your partner rather than do the hard work of caring for the relationship. We often do this by trying to convince, control or manipulate the feelings of our beloved. We may use shame or guilt, or playing the victim or martyr to achieve results. Are you always making excuses and apologizing? Eventually you will hit the absolute limit and your relationship will be in chaos.

So how do you build up your relational creditworthiness?

The key may be in knowing your partner’s love language (Gary Chapman). Which one is it?

·         Quality time spent?

·         Affection and physical touch?

·         Words of affirmation?

·         Gifts that show you know what they like?

·         Acts of service?

You get a lot more mileage out of your efforts when you know what is important to your mate. Gifts don’t go as far with Nan as some of the others on the list. If you really don’t know then I suggest you ask them.

Also, being a person who keeps their word, maintains high integrity, can make sacrifices when necessary and shows kindness and responsibility will go a long way to replenishing your account. You might be late coming home one night, but if you do it frequently you will become overdrawn very quickly. You might lose your temper occasionally, but if you are an angry person you will soon find yourself alone.

Can you think of things easily that your partner will delight in? Do you follow through with acts of kindness? Do you believe it is better to give than receive? I have found that just like money, relational investments come back with interest when you invest with care. And just like monetary investments, you must continue adding on a regular basis if you want your relational wealth to grow substantially. 

So, are you overdrawn? Go make a significant deposit into your "love bank" as soon as you can. And change your spending habits as well.

Relationships, Marriage and the Seven Deadly Sins

I was listening to a talk on spiritual direction and the speaker referenced the seven deadly sins of traditional Christianity. In recent times there has been a distancing from the word sin, the concept of moral absolutes and an acceptance of moral relativity (to our detriment, I might add). As I was going over the list (lust, sloth, gluttony, greed, wrath, envy and pride) I realized how damaging they are not only to our relationship with God, but also to a marriage and other relationships.

Out of the list it is generally accepted that pride is the original and deadliest of the seven sins and the source of all the others.

Traditionally, each of the sins had an opposite which was labeled a “virtue”, and the goal of every true believer. The virtue associated with pride is humility. Often when we are at a stuck place in counseling it is because at least one person is unyielding because of pride.

It is so sad to watch a marriage unravel because of the unnecessary stubbornness of a spouse. There are times when a solution is evident and easy, but one or both are unwilling to take a step towards each other because of selfish pride.

What makes us hold out even though we know we are going to lose something precious? I think it is because we fear we are going to lose something which feels even bigger to us, which is a sense of self. The problem is, we are operating under a lie. The self is always enlarged by humility because it requires strength to lay down one’s life for another. It challenges us to love our neighbor as ourselves. That is not an easy task for anyone.

Think of the other sins on the list. Each one of those is an unwelcome guest in a relationship, marriage, or family. Which of these are particularly problematic for you? I know that as I look at the list some jump out at me and I cringe.

Just for the record here are the sins and virtues in pairs: lust/chastity, gluttony/temperance, greed/charity, sloth/diligence, wrath/patience, envy/kindness, and pride/humility.

How can we overcome our sinful tendencies in a culture that often supports them? I think only by surrendering to our loving God who is not looking to punish us, but to draw us towards Himself into an eternal family.

Interestingly, many New Year’s resolutions have traditionally come from this list. I think they are still valid as personal goals for the coming years. What do you think?

Let's begin the new year with some joyful anticipation.

Bitterness

There are times as a counselor when I feel a deep sadness along with a large dollop of frustration. I expect to feel sad as I hear of people’s pain. It is just plain hard to listen to the results of sin, regret, and/or natural or unfortunate circumstances in the lives of people.

But my frustration comes when progress is blocked by a client tenaciously holding on to something of a destructive nature that yields no possible benefit.

Bitterness is one of these with disastrous relational results.

Bitterness separates parents from children, husbands from wives, and congregants from churches. It can rip close friends apart from one another leaving both lonely and dissatisfied. Why would we hold on to such a destructive force as cold resentment when we are quite aware of how it hurts us and others?    

The answer is not very pretty: It is power that can be used to control or punish others and justify our bad behavior. I give myself permission to withhold love and approval. I build a fortress of protection from relational risk. But I am also out of the will of God.

There are times when it is appropriate to set boundaries with people in order to stop or prevent damage. But these boundaries must be set with love with a goal towards restoration, if possible. How can we move towards reconciliation if our heart is cold and hard?

In bitterness spouses will withhold conversation, friendliness or sex, or communicate only in anger, sarcasm or irritability, needlessly maintaining walls of separation. The results are a loveless or shallow marriage. Children will become rebellious and disrespectful and parents will deny the nurturance that all sons and daughter need to become healthy adults.

The Bible says that forgiveness (as opposed to reconciliation) is not an option. And the truth is that often we are the only one that suffers as our heart shuts down. The ability to forgive is both an act of the will and an act of obedience. It is also a supernatural occurrence because the truth is that I rarely feel the strength or the inclination. Can I really utter the words “not my will but thy will be done” in my humanness?

It is with love that I write these words because my joy is in seeing reconciliation and restoration in the lives of people I care about. It is always difficult to be the one who takes a risk and makes a first move. Often that first move is internal, allowing God to work on our hearts. It is a surrender to love that far surpasses our ability to comprehend it. Only God can effectively remove our bitterroot judgments. And only with our cooperation will He do that.

Eph 4:31-32 (NLT) Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Necessary Losses

Inspired by our pastor’s sermon last weekend, I was thinking about how to be thankful for everything, not just the gains, but also the losses. This really seems like a tough pill to swallow when the losses are involuntary. But I started thinking that some losses are chosen. Why would we do that?

Perhaps we might do that in order to gain something as a result.    

When we became committed to our church there was a loss involved for us. We had become used to spending most weekends down at the marina on our sailboat. It was evident that we would have to make a choice where we would invest our time and money. A sailboat does not maintain itself. There are slip fees, insurance, boat payments and upkeep fees. We still miss the sailboat, but we love our church community better.

The Bible uses the words sacrifice and surrender to describe voluntary losses for the purpose of gain. They are not words that I am naturally drawn to, but they are important concepts if I am to achieve maturity.

Some of our sacrifices are in obedience to God in order to gain favor and accomplish His purposes in our lives and in the lives of others. Parents make sacrifices to promote the welfare of their children. Employers make sacrifices to promote the welfare of their employees. The hope is that the results would be loyalty from children and employees. (And obviously there are no guarantees.)

I think about the people who choose to go on missions trips, often paying for all or much of the expenses themselves. They may use up their vacation time from work, or for longer mission commitments they might even quit their jobs and rely on their savings to fund their calling. The loss of financial security can be significant. 

With marriage there are other necessary losses involved.

• I give up separate relationships with members of the opposite sex. No more private lunches with co-workers or dinner with friends of the opposite sex without my spouse. I don’t go “hang out” in singles environments anymore. We find couples activities instead.

•  “My time” becomes “our time”, and my schedule is no longer my own. I don’t make time commitments outside of work without discussing it with my mate first. Girls or boys “night out” is no longer a given. It doesn't have to disappear; it just needs to be agreed upon.

•  “My money” becomes “our money” and spending decisions must be mutual. I no longer spend like I did when I was single. Things like electronic gear, (musical instruments), smart phones, clothes, shoes, handbags and a hundred other things must be decided based on our “family” budget, not my sole desire. Delayed gratification becomes the rule, not the exception. 

When couples become parents there are further losses.

I know many wives who will allow their husbands to continue in risky behavior up until they become pregnant, but then they insist that things change. The motorcycle has to be sold. No more extreme sports. No more trips to Las Vegas or other gambling behaviors, etc.  No more living on the financial edge, from paycheck to paycheck. Buying toys for the child takes priority over buying “toys” for the adults.

But all these are necessary losses if we are to become fully mature – and trust me, maturity is a huge gain in the long run.

1 Cor. 13:11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.

You're Killing Me, Jesus (no mattresses)

Today I am going to post an excerpt from Tim Keller’s excellent book “The Meaning of Marriage”. It will be a startling revelation for some – as it was for me.

In Mark 11: 25, Jesus says that if you are praying, and you realize that you have something against someone, you must forgive him or her right there. Does that mean you should not confront the person? No, you should, since Jesus in Matthew 18— as well as Paul in Galatians 6 and elsewhere— tells Christians that if someone wrongs them, they should go to the person and discuss their sin. Wait, we say. The Bible says we are supposed to forgive people and then go and confront them? Yes! The reason we are surprised by this is almost always because we confront people who have wronged us as a way of paying them back. By telling them off, we are actually getting revenge. They made us feel bad and now we are going to make them feel bad, too. But this is absolutely deadly. The person you are confronting knows you are doing payback, and he or she will either be devastated or infuriated— or both. You are not really telling the truth for their sake; you are telling it for your sake, and the fruit of that will be grief, bitterness, and despair.

Jesus gives us the solution. 

He says that Christians, knowing that they live only by the forgiving grace of God, must do the work of forgiving wrongdoers in their hearts and then go to confront them. If you do that, the confrontation will be so different. In other words, without the “compound”— the power of forgiving grace in your life— you will use the truth to hurt. The other person will either attack you back or withdraw. Your marriage will go either into a truth-without-love mode, with constant fighting, or a shallow love-without-truth mode, in which both partners simply avoid the underlying problems.

How different confrontations would be if we could follow Jesus’ words. How transformed marriages could be if we learned this lesson. I believe this would empower us to actually "speak the truth in love" instead of in anger or resentment. 

For me this means intentionally praying for people who feel wronged by me, or who I am having feelings of resentment towards. It is not something that I naturally feel motivated to do. In fact, it is usually just the opposite. It all comes down to my willingness to be obedient to Christ. 

What about you? Does this offend you or excite you?

Keller, Timothy (2011-11-01). The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the 

Wisdom of God (pp. 156-157). Penguin Group. 

On Island Time

One of the luxuries of vacation is having time – even time to think about time. In a book I’ve been reading, it spoke about ‘island time’. I’ve not only read about it, but occasionally experienced it as well. The author of the book says that in the tropics there is a general lack of respect for time – or rather timekeeping. Time is quite special, but clocks are an aberration.

I have felt that way often during counseling sessions. Why one hour? For some sessions it’s too short, and others too long. When a “special moment” arrives I would rather throw the clock away. I don’t think God operates on the same time schedule as we do.

Do you sometimes feel that way when you wake up first thing in the morning? Like the clock should never have been invented – that you would love to just stretch time for a while and breathe in the new day before having to attend to obligations? 

How about our spiritual life? The three minute devotional often leaves us empty. It’s like having Cheetos for breakfast. It is better than nothing, but we are still hungry and unsatisfied and know that we could have done better for ourselves. Yet, the day calls and we answer. I wonder if we answer too quickly – or we try to crowd too many things into our schedule making it impossible to have room for any form of spontaneity.

Relationships often suffer under rigid adherence to time schedules.

I think of couples on their honeymoon who cannot relax and enjoy each other, but must use every minute to see and do as much as possible at their destination. Somehow I don’t think that was the original intent of taking time off after a wedding. I also know couples who leave no time to talk or be together during the typical work week. They lead parallel lives and wonder why they are unsatisfied with each other.

And I know of parents who have scheduled their children just as tightly. They don’t leave much time for the kind of relationship building that can only happen at random moments during a day. There is no such thing as “quality time” with kids – there are only quality moments in the midst of a quantity of time. A lot of grandparents seem to understand this. Age has a way of shifting our priorities.    

I am not advocating abandoning our time commitments. When I agree to a certain time, I must keep my promise. Being late is just plain selfish. I have seen quite a few cars with a bumper sticker that reads: "Always late, but worth the wait." I think to myself  "Probably not".

I know I have missed a good deal of life by being strictly on clock time. Everything is about hurry and efficiency and productivity. My focus is narrow and my goals are clearly defined. But then I remember the Garden of Eden. I’ll bet they weren’t on clock time.

When I am on island time I do not feel like I am wasting my life – rather I feel like this is what I was designed for. I can’t say that I’ve lived much of my life this way so far, but I am learning.

Maybe island time is really God time.

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. (Eccl 3:1)

Fighting For the Right Things

One of the advantages of aging is the potential to gain perspective. I use the word “potential” because perspective is more a result of maturity – which is not specifically age dependent. There are wise young people and clueless older folks. Still, life experience gives us an advantage if we are actively aware.

So many of the clients I have seen get stuck in the small story of their lives.

Often, the things these people fight over are of little or no value. Who lost the car keys? Why are you late? Did you really need another pair of shoes? Who forgot to……? Why can’t I spend money on what I want – I work hard.

All of these little squabbles erode the closeness of a relationship. Over a period of time we begin to judge the quality of the relationship as poor. We fight for power, control, significance and sometimes just being “right”. But we find ourselves emotionally alone and unhappy – the master of our own broken world of one.

Those who are able to see their lives as a part of a bigger story will make different decisions.

If I am a father, my children will be observing how I treat their mother. If I am an employer, my employees will watch how I deal with conflict and difficulties. If I claim to be a Christian, but love does not flow from me how is Christ honored? Will my anger, bitterness, resentment and argumentativeness ever serve a higher cause? It is in the small corners of our lives where our integrity is established. All our small decisions add up to the measure of who we are – whether anyone is watching or not.

There is a point in our lives where more of our focus needs to be outwards, not just inwards. The inward journey is establishing who we are to become: our identity, our values and our spiritual self. But the outward journey is letting others benefit from our ongoing self-development. Often this is a difficult shift because it requires maturity and self-control. The basis and process for making decisions change. Can I see the world more in terms of “us” rather than just “me”?

The big picture says I was not put here on earth simply for my own pleasure, to get as much as I can and to let the chips fall where they may. I realize that those chips fall on others, often painfully. Will I use my strength to promote positive outcomes even if it means sacrificing my pride or embracing some other form of suffering?

Choosing that path is entering into the big story – a transcendent life, the one worth living. But it will change the things I fight for. 

A Powerful Question

One of the questions I will sometimes ask a new client is this:

“If this counseling process is successful, what will be different in your life/relationship?”

It is a powerful way to help a client define goals so that we might be able to measure progress and success. Most will respond with a variation on one of these two themes:

1. I will be out of pain

2. I will be happy (with myself, my situation or my relationship).

Although these can be good short-term goals for counseling, they should not be the only ones because they often do not speak to deeper issues. Sometimes healing is found in the direction of pain. Sometimes doing the right thing will make us unhappy (at least for a while). Rarely do people answer the question with a response like this:

“I will have increased in my emotional, relational and spiritual maturity.”

Now, to be fair, some do. They tend to be the ones who are headed for deeper levels of integrity in their lives. They understand the toughness of the battle that is before them, and they can also envision the rewards. Make no mistake about it – it is hard to say yes to the right things, and to deny ourselves things that we desire but are counter to our growth.

What is the feeling you get when you think of self-restraint? Do you feel angry or sad or controlled? Do you feel exited about the challenge? Do you feel good about yourself because you are doing well at managing your temptations?

If I were to be completely honest I would have to admit that I rarely feel good about restraint in the moment. It is mostly in reflection that I appreciate my self-controlled responses and understand the value of unspoken words or actions.  

Regardless of how you feel, who you are is God’s Beloved Child – and deeply accepting that reality should be your highest goal. It may not eliminate your pain, but it will give you a reason to be joyful.

One good book that I recommend is Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero. His basic premise is that it is impossible to mature spiritually while remaining emotionally immature.

Just something to think about.

Politics and Adultery

Pretty words and promises are seductive, especially when we are in pain, insecure, disappointed or hopeless. They draw our hearts, encourage us, as well as confuse us. And often they lead us away from our core values. And the results can be devastating to a marriage, state or country.

Both in politics and marriage, mistakes we make are frequently intense. The damage we cause with a bad vote or an adulterous affair may not be able to be reversed and the recovery is usually very difficult. The difference in marriage is that we bear the responsibility of our choices alone, even if the consequences of our actions are widespread.

In politics we have an opportunity to vote our values each time we cast a new ballot. In marriage we have an opportunity to refuse an affair each time one is offered. In both situations compromising our values is our enemy. Of course, knowing our values deeply and being committed to them is the first step. 

The second step is protecting ourselves from deceit and temptation by learning to run away fast. There is no shame in running away at the right time. Shame and guilt come with a failure to do so.

What do you value? What makes you feel whole, integrous? Where are you most vulnerable?

One of the great deceptions we have heard is the idea of “soul mate” as an excuse to leave a marriage.

“I finally found my soul mate. I married the wrong person.”

 “I heard from God that it is OK to divorce my wife and marry the person He had chosen for me all along.”

Uh, huh

God never tells us to go against his teachings in the Bible.

Never

It wasn’t God that you were hearing from. It is another voice; perhaps your own, or?     

The idea of a soul mate “out there” is a myth. We become soul mates as we become one in marriage through years of commitment and hard work. We further strengthen that bond as we both submit ourselves to Christ and His love for us.  

We do strongly believe in choosing our mate well. It makes things much easier if we do. But we must remember that breaking marital vows is serious business. In a Christian marriage, we make a covenant before God to remain faithful, even when it is extremely difficult.

Even if you believe you chose poorly, seek God in the struggle, seek wise counsel, and remain true to yourself and your beliefs. Sometimes the hardest moments come right before a breakthrough.   

Hurry Sickness

A while ago we were hanging out with my father-in­­­­­-law waiting for something (I can’t remember what it was), but he seemed agitated. Nan asked him if he was in a hurry. On reflecting about it for a second he answered:

“No, I’m not really in a hurry, I’m just impatient.”

It has become one of those answers that we both remember when we approach things throughout the day.

How often do we find ourselves rushing around as if we are being chased by some unknown force? Where does the feeling come from? Is it real?

For some it may simply be habit, perhaps a habit instilled by parents early in our development. How many times as a child were you encouraged to hurry up, when enjoying the wonders of discovery? Or perhaps you were often perceived as “idling” during a task and were yelled at.

We can have this sense of needing to hurry because we “might miss out on something” and yet to hurry is to miss out on something: the joy in the journey, the blessing of “now”. This anxious feeling is the very thing that makes it hard for me to pray, to study, to reflect, to think deeper thoughts than just my daily tasks.

Solutions for deeply ingrained behaviors are difficult. They require discipline, which requires intentionality (a favorite concept of mine in many areas of life).

Often we are not in hurry because we are impatient by temperament, but because we are overcommitted. It is much easier to say “no” to the distasteful things in life than it is the desirable ones. But it is often the good things that must fall away to leave room to really enjoy the best. If I try to include everything, I will often find myself not fully present when engaged in the things I truly love, with the people I care about the most.

I have read recently that anxiety is rising in very young children because of the pressure being put on kids to participate and succeed in an ever-increasing amount of extracurricular activities. In an attempt to give their children an “advantage or head start” in life, they are really crippling them emotionally – and perhaps stressing the family out financially as well. The distress felt by kids to achieve academically to please their parents is, in some cases, related to teen suicide.   

When I become aware of feelings of hurry whether as a result of a state of mind or circumstances, I practice my self-soothing technique. I take the thoughts captive and slow myself down, both mentally and physically. Especially when I am actually pressed, I need to tell myself that I have enough time to accomplish my task.

Is this an area you need to work on in your private life or as a parent?

Thoughts or comments?

What Men Want

Last night at my men’s group (going for about 17 years now, I think), the question came up about the best things about marriage and the most challenging.  Over the years we have asked this question several times of the married guys. Most of us are veterans of long marriages, but sometimes there are guys who have been married more recently.

What is interesting is that there are always similar answers. You might think that sex might be at the top of the positive list (especially for the newly-marrieds), or perhaps dual income or kids. But the most frequent answer is deep and intimate friendship – someone to do life with, someone to come home to.

For me, in addition to the daily friendship, I count having a shared vision and shared purpose as a really high positive as well. It’s not that we always see things identically, but our general trajectory is mostly the same.

What about the hardest things, the most challenging?

At the top of the list is conflict. For most guys, peace at home is of the highest value. I think that may be a huge reason why some men stay at work long after they need to. Or why they come home and hide out. They just don’t want to risk getting in a skirmish and perhaps feeling disrespected. When home is safe, men are happy.

When asked what the most desirable quality a woman can possess – again, no one talked about physical attributes (important, but not a list topper). What we came up with was this: kindness.  Does that surprise you?

Obviously, I can’t speak for the women – so ladies, what would be on the top of your lists? Do you value the same things that we men do?

Why I think talking about this is important is because the messages we get from popular culture are much different. The focus seems to be on the superficial, and the temporary. Without active dialog, we may make wrong assumptions, only to wonder why our reality doesn’t match up with the things we are being sold. 

It’s a great time of the year to offer the gift of friendliness to the one you love the best.    

The Short Life

As I was sitting in front of another young squabbling couple the other day I thought to myself, “Life is so short. Do you really want to spend this precious time arguing over relatively minor issues, when you could be enjoying the one and only life you have?”

Then I thought, “I wonder how many people have thought that about me, when I complained about something inconsequential.”

These days Nan and I get through most conflicts in less than five minutes – tops. But, sometimes I forget how long it has taken to get to this point. I can assure you that we started out passionate fighters, full of self-righteousness and indignant with offenses.    

I don’t know exactly when this started to slow down, but I don’t think it had to do with running out of energy for conflict. I think it had more to do with becoming more emotionally and spiritually mature (as a result of lots of hours of counseling). It became harder and harder to reconcile our emotional immaturity with the Word of God.

Maturity is not a result of growing older. It’s a state of the mind and heart. I know people in their 50’s, 60’s and older who are still operating emotionally the way they did in their teen years. It is sad to watch. But I also know young adults who have understanding way beyond their years.

What is the key to achieving this?

I think three things are required, minimum. One is desire, the second is education and the third is humility.

Truly, I must want to grow, see the value in growth, and accept nothing less than growth. We are not going to follow through with anything that we do not believe in. Our actions will always follow our beliefs. My desire to have right beliefs must be intense.

There is usually a point in counseling where the focus shifts from establishing what changes are needed to the question of how to make those changes. I have found that this is often the missing piece, and this is where information and education is necessary. And this is where active learners often have an advantage. They are hungry for insight and will pursue many avenues to gain it.

Lastly is humility. Change is hard. Bad habits do not die easily. They must be aggressively squashed. To do that requires a kind of surrender that is not part of my nature. It probably isn’t your nature either. It often means admitting that I am wrong, that I have failed in some areas, and that I am part of the problem (most couples come in for counseling with the goal of changing their partner). It means staying quiet when everything inside of me is screaming to be heard.

So what is the goal?

Maybe, like us, it is getting your conflicts resolved in less than five minutes and returning to joy, because life is short.