Saying “I Do or I Don’t”

It is always an anxious moment for a pre-married or pre-engaged client when they ask us this age-old question:

“Should I ask her to marry me?”

I almost never answer this question directly. I don’t believe I should be given this much power in someone else’s life. But what I do is try to lead them through some questions that might help them make a good decision. If we are seeing a couple that is undecided, we often ask them to do a homework assignment from a workbook that guides them through this process. We ask them to take a personal retreat and seek God for an answer.

Confusion over this decision may come when boundaries have been crossed. A relationship may have become too intimate too quickly – especially when sexual boundaries have been discarded. We may feel very close, allowing our heart to rule over our head. Feeling close is not the same as being well-matched. It’s especially easy to ignore important signs when a relationship is relatively new and in the infatuation stage (less than six months or so).

This heart over head, or head over heart question is extremely important to the longevity of a relationship. If out of balance you may be opening up your life to either chaos or coldness, which might not be sustainable. 

Ask yourself these questions: 

• Will he/she make a good parent?
• Can I trust this person completely?
• Will I fit into his/her family system?
• Do we have common goals?
• Is there any hint of abusiveness, physical or emotional?
• Is he/she emotionally mature?
• Are there any addictions that are not healed (drugs, alcohol, spending, sex)?
• Are there any character issues that worry me (lying, angry, irresponsible, needy)?
• Will we be partners, both carrying the weight of the relationship or will one person function more like a dependent child?
• Do we resolve conflict effectively?
• Do we apologize and forgive easily?
• Is he/she possessive, jealous, manipulative or controlling?
• Do I feel safe with this person? 

Intense feelings of love are not sufficient to sustain a lifetime marriage. The right questions have more to do with direction, purpose, respect, integrity and commitment. Those are questions that have to be answered with courage and rigorous honesty. 

A good goodbye is so much better than a painful life.   

If you are married, and struggling with some of these issues, take heart. There is always an opportunity to heal old wounds, build some relationship skills, and change some bad habits. Those things also take courage, honesty and just plain hard work. You may have to lead the process in your relationship. Start with prayer, surrender your heart, and get good counsel.  

Marriage, Millenials and Miscellaneous

Some thoughts gained in part from a talk by Gabe Lyons

The society that we were born into in the 1950’s was very different from the one that we are now living in. Being connected to a faith community was not only accepted, but expected most of the time. As kids we would ask each other “What are you, Christian (protestant), Catholic or Jewish?” Two parents were the norm and getting married when you grew up was a given. Job applicants might be asked about their church affiliation -- and a pastor, priest or rabbi was often a reference. Marriage and faith were seen as indicators of good moral character and stability. (Statistics bear out that both add to a longer and more affluent life.)

This is not the world that Millenials (roughly 1983-2000) have been born into.

I won’t go into an explanation of the characteristics attributed to this generation, other than this group is rising in power and influence, but does not rest on the same foundational principles that I inherited. The current culture is described as postmodern, pluralistic and post-Christian. In a nutshell that means nothing is absolute, truth is open for interpretation, all religious paths are equally valid and Christianity is no longer the dominant force in religious thought.

What this results in is a lot of confusion and uncertainty. What can be trusted? Who can I believe? Does life have any ultimate meaning? Does it matter that I exist? Is this life all that there is? Anxiety and depression increase as these questions float around without any way to answer them.

It has been suggested that Christians have moved from the Moral Majority to the Prophetic Minority.

This means that a smaller group of people are carrying the messages that have the power to transform our culture. The good news in this is that a small group of intensely committed people have always been able to accomplish great things.

I see this as a mandate to support and encourage those of current and future generations as they cling to the values of marriage and religious freedom. It will become progressively more difficult to oppose the deconstruction of these institutions and maintain a Christian worldview. Some will likely go to jail in the struggle.

Yet people still yearn to be known deeply in a way that only marriage can satisfy. And when death and destruction and trouble comes, people look heavenward and hope that a merciful and powerful God exists and hears their prayers.

This is why I fight hard against divorce and the destruction of families. Families are often the best conveyors of values and positive traditions. Kids feel more secure even in a troubled or conflictual family than they do in a broken one. Just sit in a counseling room for an extended period of time and you will realize this.

It is important that we speak up and not be afraid of communicating our beliefs and not allow ourselves to be bullied into silence. How many times in the Bible are we commanded to “Fear not”? It is difficult to tell someone what they need to hear rather than what is popular. But don’t miss those opportunities. You may be the only one willing to speak the truth and be Jesus to them.

I know this post is a bit different than usual, but I just had to get it out while it was rolling around my brain. Love compels me to be a watchman on the wall at times. I would love to get some feedback from you. Use the comment box below and say yay or nay.

It's All About ME! (Part 2)

I love being on the receiving end of wisdom from my counseling clients. Often they will bring snippets of useful information that I can store away in my toolbox to bring out as warranted.

This week I heard this statement from one of my younger clients:

“If you could do something to meet a need of your partner, why wouldn’t you?”

Wow – what a difference from the more common 

“Why should I? What’s he/she done for me?” 

The truth is he or she has probably done a lot for you. Or it is entirely possible that they haven’t because of the above attitude. I remember Sarah Eggerichs comment in the “Love and Respect” conference video: 

“Why wouldn’t you give your husband sex if he wants it? It’s an easy enough thing to do and it makes him so happy.” 

(Right about now some husbands are thinking "I like this blog -- I should share it with my wife")

Of course there are always exceptions, but she is speaking to the far greater percentage of good willed marriages. I thought at the time “That’s a pretty mature attitude. Why didn’t I think of that?” I don’t know why I didn’t consider applying that same thinking to many other parts of relational life. 

• Turn off the electronic stuff and engage in a connected conversation. This used to be a complaint I only heard from women, but I hear this more and more from men as well. 

• Take out the trash without being asked. Enough said. 

• Be on time for a change. Always late and worth the wait? Umm – maybe not. 

• Don’t leave the gas tank empty. You might make somebody you love late because they have to stop and fill up. 

• Make plans before the very last moment. I used to do this when we were dating. It drove Nan crazy. I still sometimes do this when it comes to making vacation plans. And I love vacations. What gives with that? 

• Monitor your own spending. Don’t create a parent-child scenario by being irresponsible. It’s no fun for either one of you. 

• Help with dinner and clean-up. Or make dinner even when you don’t particularly feel like it. Sometimes it’s seen as the measure of a good or troubled marriage.

What prevents this kind of thinking? Sorry, but it’s selfishness or not being willing to surrender in some kind of immature power struggle. I’ve done it -- actually still do it at times. But I’m not proud of it, and it isn’t my goal.

Phil 2:3-4 (NLT) Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

Trying Too Hard To Make It Work

I’m all about perseverance. If you are going to survive in any type of sales career (like I have been in for the last 34 years), you will have to acquire a good dose of it. But I have also had to learn when it was time to quit. There is a fine line between being diligent and being self-defeating.

It can be the same in a pre-married relationship.

Sometimes it’s just too hard to close the sale and go from not married to married. I have seen many couples fight an uphill battle trying to “make” a relationship work. Here are a few indicators that you might be trying too hard.

·         The relationship seems more like work than fun. It is necessary to do a certain amount of investigative and other preparatory work before making such a significant commitment. But is most of the joy and delight missing when you are together?

·         There is a lot of conflict.  We go by the 80/20 rule. Are 80% of your interactions positive or do you find yourselves dealing with significant amounts of conflict?

·         You've been in counseling for too long a time. Have you wisely entered into pre-married counseling but discover there are so many challenges that it drags on and becomes more like “trying to save this marriage” counseling?

·         You are constantly being compelled to change. It may be that you feel you are unacceptable to your partner unless you make a lot of changes. Growth is good, but are you being asked to become someone you are not, especially when you like who you are?

·         You have to defend the relationship to family and friends. Do the people that really know you express their concern for you? Do you find yourself having to distance from them in order to preserve the relationship equilibrium?

·         You breakup and makeup several times. Do you go through this cycle expecting that “this time” it will be better and finally work out? Is it hard to admit that you have chosen poorly?

·         You just can’t quite commit. Maybe there is a good reason and God is protecting you. Do you feel restrained in your spirit?

You are not a “loser” because you decide to move on when a pre-married relationship is too hard. You are actually displaying wisdom and maturity. It may be hard for you to trust that God will not abandon you in your desire for a relationship. But I would encourage you to trust regardless.   

Proverbs 14:12 (NLT)

¹² There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.

Help! I’m Stuck

Right now there are decisions that have to be made. They are time sensitive and somewhat complex. My friends that know me well know how difficult this can be for me. My tendency is to withdraw and suffer. If you were around me you probably wouldn’t notice since I have had a lot of experience at refining this skill.

There are all kinds of ways to get stuck.

One thing I have discovered is that stuckness usually affects others. You may be stuck, or others around you may be stuck. But either way you are affected. So what can you learn to do that will help?

• First, do no harm. Like the Hippocratic Oath of physicians advises, don’t add to the problem by taking rash or foolish actions. Backing out of a dead end street is more difficult than driving into it. Often it is our mouths that react first. Words released cannot be retrieved.

• Face the problem. Sometimes it’s even hard to admit that there really is a problem. We can’t fix what we won’t acknowledge exists. Or we try to minimize or ignore it. Usually it only gets worse. Try to brainstorm solutions. Focus on possibilities.

• Ask for help. This is often hard, especially for us guys. We don’t like asking for directions. We don’t like to reveal vulnerabilities. Somehow it triggers shame. But we were not created to do life alone. 

• Calm yourself. In difficult times we must practice self-soothing. If you are adding to the difficulty by imagining “worst case scenarios” (called awfulizing) it will only serve to keep you frozen.

• Practice humility. Getting into a power struggle with someone will keep you stuck. It takes more strength to soften than to power up. Be the more mature person in an interpersonal struggle.

• Press on through. This is often the biggest challenge. Discouragement can set in and make you want to give up when things don’t seem to be going well. Sometimes the darkest hour is right before the dawn.    

Stuck might last for only a little while or may feel like forever. Getting out of debt can be like that. So can grieving significant losses. You may be powerless to change the circumstances, but you can always choose the way you deal with the situation.

Please tell me how you have been stuck and what you did to alleviate the problem.

Deuteronomy 31:8(NIV)

⁸ The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Before You Say I Do

I was asked an intriguing question in a counseling session recently.

“Don’t people often change after they get married?”

I thought about it for a bit before answering. It’s a complex question because the answer is both yes and no.

I say no, because there are core personality characteristics that don’t change much such as extroversion/introversion, our preferences for certain things, cerebral verses athletic pursuits, etc. It is possible to shift some of these things in time, but generally we are “bent” in a particular way.

I say yes, because some change is inevitable – and even desirable when it means growth in the direction of maturity. I do not want to remain the same and I don’t want my partner be static, either. Life and age brings us all kinds of situations where we must learn to adapt. But I am wondering if the real question that was being asked was:

“Are couples often not completely honest with each other before they get married?”

An anxious question to be sure, but a good one. My answer would be:

“If they are smart, they will be as rigorously honest as they possibly can.”

I think it is critical that couples not only share the complete history of their lives, but their fears, anxieties, frustrations, hopes, dreams, struggles and ambitions. If there are hidden addictions or instances of past physical or sexual abuse it must be discussed. They need to know what to expect from each other if they decide to tie their lives together.

If there are things you are afraid to discuss, then you really need to discuss them or ask yourself why you are so hesitant. Is there a lack of trust? Do you feel if you share this information or expectation you will be rejected? Do you really think it will get better or easier after you have taken your vows?

There are other forms of dishonesty as well. I have seen an instance where a guy had quit his job soon after being married, hoping to be taken care of by his new wife while he “finds himself” or “pursues his dream”.  Unfortunately he didn’t inform his wife of his plan.

There have also been women who maintain their weight right up to the wedding and then as soon as the ring is on their finger they figure the job is done and the pounds start coming. And the poor guy doesn’t know what to do or say.

Save yourself some pain. Talk about this stuff before you get engaged. Be as honest as you possibly can.   

A Clear Threat to Marriage

I was watching a couple of videos this morning on how husbands and wives wreck their marriages. Although intended to be generally humorous, it was also sad to me because I have seen all the mistakes played out before me in some form or fashion.

One that struck me particularly is a growing problem connected to social media, texting and the freedom that a cell phone affords. It is easier than ever to develop secret relationships, and often unintentionally become entangled in a downward spiral towards an emotional or physical affair. What may have started in friendship can end up in adultery.You can now have a conversation anywhere, and with chat and text it can be carried out in silence right in front of your spouse. 

And the sadder thing is that often spouses don’t know where or even if they should draw a boundary.

I have had both husbands and wives struggle with their feelings when their spouse seems to be connected to an opposite sex person through some form of social media. Is it even OK to feel concerned or jealous, they ask? Am I being too controlling or possessive?

Here are my questions to determine risk.

• Will your spouse show all emails and messages to you, and willingly share their passwords, or is there hiding going on? Are there any intimate or sexual innuendos in the messages? Will they ignore you or give preference to answering emails and texts? Do you feel like a lower priority than the person they are communicating with?

• Do I try to eliminate all my spouse’s relationships outside of our marriage (controlling and too jealous and possessive) or only some opposite sex relationships or perhaps just a particular one?

• Is there a large quantity of emails or texts, or frequent contact with a person of the opposite sex? Does your spouse text while you are sleeping or get up in the middle of the night to text? (Not OK).

• Will they refuse to end or limit the exchanges and get mad and blame you and try to make it your problem instead of theirs? Do they try to convince you that it is a business necessity, when in fact it is not and outside business hours?

Really, I could go on and on. If you feel uncomfortable with a spouse’s outside connection, there may be a reason. They need to take you seriously and put your feelings ahead of that other person’s, unless of course you are being totally unreasonable.  

If you are unclear about what is acceptable, I suggest you both read Dave Carder’s book “Close Calls ” together. It is all about protecting your marriage from affairs. If you are still not in agreement, I urge you to seek outside counsel from a pastor or counselor.

Trusting

I am getting tired of unpleasant surprises in my life. We all get them, those telephone calls that inform us that something went wrong at work, someone is melting down emotionally, a loved one is admitted to the hospital, etc. Some days you don’t want to answer the phone or check your electronic devices.

I have to constantly remind myself that the way I deal with these life issues is a good measure of my level of emotional and spiritual maturity. And I must admit that some days I have the maturity level of a pre-school child. I want to cover myself with a blanket and pretend that the rest of the world doesn’t exist. Then I remember that I’m getting senior citizen discounts at the local hardware store and I own a business, and I am on staff at my church.

Does dealing with these issues get easier the older we get?  Perhaps yes, and perhaps no.

We do build up some confidence as we face stuff and have a successful outcome – or least learn that we can handle the pain. Part of our success is realizing that we do not have to do all of it alone. God is with us and so are others if we build relationships and let them get close to us.

Where it doesn’t get easier is where the loss is unique or carries more significance. It isn’t easier to lose a parent just because you have already lost one. It may be harder. And it may be harder to lose a job at 50 years old than it was at 25. It also may be more difficult when a chronic problem that you thought was finally solved reappears.

And for me what is worst is when multiple situations pile up one on top of another, like having two family members in the hospital at the same time (been there, done that) or your finances are in trouble and the car breaks down. And then you catch the flu.  

What I find most helpful is learning to quiet my anxious inner voice. I do this by allowing myself a few minutes to pray and collect my strength. In a crises situation this might be taking place while I am in motion, driving somewhere to meet the situation. Sometimes the only time I can do this is after the fact while in “decompression mode”.

If you are like me you prefer pleasure over pain and easy over difficult (other than an interesting challenge once in a while). But life isn’t always like that and perhaps my first step toward maturity is accepting reality (breaking denial). Sometimes I have to tell myself:  “Yes, David, you really do have to deal with this.”

It is my confidence in God, more than my confidence in myself that gives me the most strength. It is not my nature to trust, but when I finally realize my powerlessness, it is in trusting that I find my only hope. 

Assume I’m The Good Guy

I was struck by a statistic I heard at a seminar concerning unresolved conflict in marriages. The statistic was this:

            69% of conflict in troubled marriages never gets resolved.

Well, I thought, that makes sense. How can we have a good marriage if we can never resolve conflict? But the surprising statistic I heard was this:

            69% of conflict in happy marriages never gets resolved.

Wow, if it’s exactly the same, what then is the difference?

I thought about it for a while and it occurred to me that it must directly relate to our perception of the conflict. Or probably more accurately it relates to my belief about my spouse, during the time I am in conflict with her. If I believe that she is not for me, or more harshly, that she is against me – I am likely to view the conflict as compounding evidence that the relationship is in trouble. If, on the other hand, I can remember that this person that I love, and loves me in return, is just not in agreement with me at the moment, I am able to see the relationship in a much better light.

It really comes down to assuming positive intent on the part of the other person (innocent until proven guilty). As I like to tell my wife when things get edgy between the two of us:

Assume I’m the good guy!

Just that simple statement sometimes brings enough perspective for us to get through the impasse. Of course, I also have to check my attitude and make sure I have positive intent. And sometimes if my attitude is at a fork in the road, her belief in my positive intent motivates me to take the right road. 

           

But it is true that many things in our relationship just don’t get resolved. When it comes to money I am a saver by nature. She is less conservative – and that tension will always exist. My wife is always ready to say ‘yes’ to a party, whereas I want to have time to think about it first before making a decision. I could list many other instances where we are not in agreement. But we don’t assume that the other person is trying to make our life difficult. We just have different preferences. So we make compromises and try to work with each other the best that we can.

I think we can apply this same thinking to all sorts of interpersonal relationships as well. How about work relationships between co-workers or employer and employee? How about those going through a relationship break-up or even a divorce? It doesn’t have to be hostile. That is why we really like divorce mediators over divorce lawyers. Mediation assumes cooperation over antagonism, seeking the best possible outcome in a sad process.

So really the only difference between happy and troubled is a core belief. In our relationship our core belief is that we are for each other. How about you? What do you believe about your relationships? 

Process And Purpose

Nan and I both agree that some weeks in counseling there seems to be a theme that emerges as the appointments march by.  

For me this week what stuck out is our tendency to focus on outcomes, rather than staying in the present moment. Most of my anxiety comes from doing just that. I become so concerned with end results (which I may have little control over) that I can miss out on the satisfactions of my incremental accomplishments as they occur.

What I am really talking about is focusing on the process and the purpose instead.

From a spiritual standpoint, am I willing to leave the outcome to God, or am I afraid He is ultimately not trustworthy?

When I focus on the process I do the things that keep me moving forward. For me that usually means breaking down projects into manageable pieces so that I can feel success at the end of the day. When I look at everything that needs to be done (focusing on the outcome) I can easily become overwhelmed. When I take things one at a time I am more able to relax.

When I look at purpose, I can often connect with the transcendent aspects of my actions. For example: doing domestic chores and housework (which is usually less than joyful) can lead to a more peaceful and organized environment for my family; or writing a worship song because I want to express my praise for God, rather than worrying whether people will like it or not.

What I am doing is creating the possibility of joy in the journey, rather than joy only in the destination (which is often uncertain).   

Today is tax day for me. It can be anxiety producing because I often end up on the wrong side of the balance sheet. But as I just take each piece of paper and deal with it, I get closer to the finish line. I know the process and I understand the purpose. Even though I would rather be doing something else, I take satisfaction in staying on task.

How about you? How are you at identifying the purpose and focusing on the process rather than the outcome? Are there things in your life that need to be broken down into smaller increments so that you can proceed and get unstuck? Do you need help with it?

Psalms 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.

Endurance

I remember a time halfway through our process of being counseled when I reached a point where I was ready to give up. We were about a year into it, and it seemed that no matter what I did or how diligent I was, it was not going to be enough for Nan. She seemed like a bottomless pit of needs and wants from me. As a man who had a high need to feel adequate (like all men), I was becoming discouraged and doubtful whether this counseling thing and this marriage thing was actually going to work over the long haul.

On the flip side of this, Nan was thinking “Isn’t he ever going to get it? I keep telling him and coaching him and encouraging him and being vulnerable with my feelings. Why doesn’t he completely ‘get me’ yet?”

These were the negative dialogs going on in our heads. But the truth was somewhat different. I was starting to understand and was responding much more appropriately, and she was becoming much more kind and yielded towards me. But we were both scared.

Subsequently, I discovered that there was a place of “enough” for her. She became trusting that our new way of dealing with each other was more than just temporary. Our anxiety in the relationship went down and our contentment went up.

Up until that point we both felt blamed by the other person, and alone in our self-righteousness. We were stuck. Both of us were impatient for change and did not like having to suffer. We really did believe that if only the other person would change, everything would be fine. The turning point came when we both acknowledged our part in the difficulties.

The element that was needed to reach this place was endurance.

It took a lot longer than we had hoped. But the damage was significant and the deficits were large. Just like a house that had been neglected for a long time, the rehabilitation took patience and effort. But our endurance produced results that continue to pay dividends.

So for all of you who are struggling and discouraged, do not give up hope. Roll up your sleeves and get to work. Stop talking about change and do something toward that goal. Make a plan, commit the time, and be prepared to endure the process until you are satisfied with the results. Often the only thing blocking the way is our own pride.   

Safety & Intimacy

Last weekend was our church’s young adult retreat and the fourth time we have had the privilege to participate as team members during a time of individual focused prayer at this event. The process is simple – individuals who wish to be prayed for sign up for an appointment and teams of two people listen to their requests and then pray with them.

What has become evident to me over the past four years is the similarity of the progression that takes place during these times of connection. There is a specific prayer request (presenting problem) that usually morphs into an underlying deeper issue. Although the content changes from individual to individual, what is common to most is a deep desire for intimacy and safety, both in the moment and in life overall.

This need to be both known and safe is universal – and it is why many seek counseling. It is also a primary motive for many to join together in small community groups, such as our ‘life groups’ at our church. We need to know that we matter, that our pain and our successes do not go unnoticed. We need to know that our failings are not a reason for rejection and ostracism – but rather that we can be cheered on to do better. In short we need an environment that fosters growth because we are secure in the belief that we are accepted.

When this primary need for intimacy and security has been unmet, or worse yet, violated by people that are supposed to protect us, it may become difficult for us to form a trust bond. And forming that bond is a foundational requirement for close relationships.

How are we able to get past old wounds and begin to trust again in the wake of ruptures?

The best way I know to restore these broken places is to form new bonds with safe people. This means taking some relational risks, and cautiously opening up with a few new people. Don’t be in a hurry to go too deep too soon. Ask God to reveal to you who might be a safe person and listen intently for His response. Sometimes it is necessary to begin even more carefully, with an individual person or counselor.

Most importantly, become a safe and trustworthy person for others, and be aware of those around you who might need the comfort of your friendship.