Marriage, Millenials and Miscellaneous

Some thoughts gained in part from a talk by Gabe Lyons

The society that we were born into in the 1950’s was very different from the one that we are now living in. Being connected to a faith community was not only accepted, but expected most of the time. As kids we would ask each other “What are you, Christian (protestant), Catholic or Jewish?” Two parents were the norm and getting married when you grew up was a given. Job applicants might be asked about their church affiliation -- and a pastor, priest or rabbi was often a reference. Marriage and faith were seen as indicators of good moral character and stability. (Statistics bear out that both add to a longer and more affluent life.)

This is not the world that Millenials (roughly 1983-2000) have been born into.

I won’t go into an explanation of the characteristics attributed to this generation, other than this group is rising in power and influence, but does not rest on the same foundational principles that I inherited. The current culture is described as postmodern, pluralistic and post-Christian. In a nutshell that means nothing is absolute, truth is open for interpretation, all religious paths are equally valid and Christianity is no longer the dominant force in religious thought.

What this results in is a lot of confusion and uncertainty. What can be trusted? Who can I believe? Does life have any ultimate meaning? Does it matter that I exist? Is this life all that there is? Anxiety and depression increase as these questions float around without any way to answer them.

It has been suggested that Christians have moved from the Moral Majority to the Prophetic Minority.

This means that a smaller group of people are carrying the messages that have the power to transform our culture. The good news in this is that a small group of intensely committed people have always been able to accomplish great things.

I see this as a mandate to support and encourage those of current and future generations as they cling to the values of marriage and religious freedom. It will become progressively more difficult to oppose the deconstruction of these institutions and maintain a Christian worldview. Some will likely go to jail in the struggle.

Yet people still yearn to be known deeply in a way that only marriage can satisfy. And when death and destruction and trouble comes, people look heavenward and hope that a merciful and powerful God exists and hears their prayers.

This is why I fight hard against divorce and the destruction of families. Families are often the best conveyors of values and positive traditions. Kids feel more secure even in a troubled or conflictual family than they do in a broken one. Just sit in a counseling room for an extended period of time and you will realize this.

It is important that we speak up and not be afraid of communicating our beliefs and not allow ourselves to be bullied into silence. How many times in the Bible are we commanded to “Fear not”? It is difficult to tell someone what they need to hear rather than what is popular. But don’t miss those opportunities. You may be the only one willing to speak the truth and be Jesus to them.

I know this post is a bit different than usual, but I just had to get it out while it was rolling around my brain. Love compels me to be a watchman on the wall at times. I would love to get some feedback from you. Use the comment box below and say yay or nay.

9 Tips For Men For Successful Dating

The other day I was listening to an interesting show on the radio. It was talking about first dates and all the weird, crazy and dumb things that people have experienced. Although some things have changed since I was a young, hormone-driven dating candidate, I don’t believe men and women have. I base my opinion on stories and complaints my single clients have shared with me over the years. One thing in particular has not changed:

Women still want to be pursued, chosen.

This means that the old concept of “winning the woman” is still very much alive. If guys ignore this, they may miss out on worthy women. If women pretend that this doesn’t really matter, they may never feel chosen.

Here are some tips for the men.

• Make the first call. Ask for contact information and follow through. Don’t ask to exchange numbers or email addresses.

• Don’t ignore courtesies like saying “please”, “thank-you”, opening doors for her, etc. You will stand out above the crowd if you do these things.

• Dress appropriately on a date. Yes, that means dress up at least as nicely as she does or even better. It makes her feel special. And do let her know where you are taking her so she can dress suitably for the venue.

• Keep your hands off of her. It is disrespectful to assume you have any kind of access to her body just because she said “yes” to a date. Treat her as if she might become your best friend’s wife. It could happen.  
• Don’t talk about sex or your “ex”. These conversations are for way down the line.

• Pay for the date. Don’t ask that she split the bill – and let her know up front that you want to treat her. Pick something you can afford – even if it’s just modest.       

• Choose a public and lively atmosphere for first dates. Intimate restaurants and meeting places are for serious relationships.

• Don’t overshare. Keep the conversation light and polite. She doesn’t need to know that you battled depression or that you wet your bed until you were 14. Those are details best saved for much later. Limit talking about other people, especially people she doesn’t know (like your family).  

• Ask her general questions about herself and her life, not intimate details. And keep the conversation balanced between talking and listening. Don’t dominate the conversation or fail to participate. Listen for the kinds of activities that she enjoys so that you can use that information for planning other dates if you are interested in pursuing the relationship.

 As a believer, you are representing Christ. You should match your behavior to your beliefs. You are worthy of respect, but you must also act respectable. It will pay dividends as you pursue a lifelong relationship.

5 Mistakes Women Make When Dating

Guest Post by Melissa Mills 

I’m a recovering serial monogamist, which basically means that I’ve been in several relationships in my life, beginning at 15. As part of this, I’ve dated a variety of guys and have learned quite a bit about what to do and what to avoid. That said, the most interesting part of my dating journey has been moving from never thinking that I would want to date a Christian (mostly out of fear, if I’m honest) to wanting to date someone who not only goes to church but who loves Jesus with both his words and his actions.

Having navigated the dating world before and after deciding to follow Jesus, I think that dating as a Christian can be more confusing than dating outside of the church. That’s why I have a passion for talking about relationships, dating, and helping women navigate the process.

When Dave asked me to write a blog about common mistakes that I think women make, I was excited to share my thoughts. This is by no means a complete list, but just some of my thoughts as I’ve been both a participant in and an observer of the Christian dating scene.

5 Mistakes Women Make When Attempting To Date:

1)   Avoiding Dating Out Of Fear.

I’ve talked to many a woman who “just isn’t looking for a guy right now.” Let’s be honest, if we’re single and in our mid to late 20s or 30s, we’re almost always looking. We just say that we aren’t because we’re afraid of rejection and disappointment. I know because I did it. And then my roommate told me to stop pretending that I wanted to be single for the rest of my life and told me to take an active role in my own dating life. She told me I needed to try online dating again. I did and, a month later, I met my boyfriend. Don’t let fear be a factor. Get to the bottom of why you’re afraid to date, get rid of that outdated stigma that online dating is taboo, and join a site.

2)   Writing Him Off Too Soon OR Assuming He’s “The One” Before The First Date.

First of all, where in the Bible does it talk about the concept of “The One”?  Second, you don’t have to know if you’re going to marry a guy in order to go to coffee with him and if you do already know, the rest of us want access to your crystal ball. That kind of knowledge only comes with time. On the flip side, you never know what you’re going to learn about yourself, your preferences, or a guy unless you go out on a date with him. It may even take 2, 4 or many dates before you know if there’s a possibility of something more than friendship. Give it a chance if you’re being too closed and if you have the opposite problem, get grounded quick. Otherwise you may end up in Disappointmentville, population: you.

2)   Dating Outside Of Community

You know that girl. The one who disappears when she starts dating? I could have been the president of that club. The problem with dating in a bubble is that you may not be yourself in your relationship, but you’re so emotionally involved in the relationship that you can’t see it for what it is. I have this friend who was in a relationship and every time she was around this guy, her voice got several octaves higher. She had no idea. I tried to tell her that she wasn’t herself around him but until she let me and other friends into her bubble, she couldn’t see it. Ultimately, they broke up. Lesson is: date in community. Bring a few trusted Christians into your process and they will help you with wise counsel as you make decisions about your future.

4) Moving Too Quickly Across Emotional, Physical, and Spiritual Boundaries.

I don’t really need to tell you why this is a bad idea, right? Get accountability with a friend who can help give you an objective perspective about your relationship. Moving too fast means disaster all around. Don’t learn this one the hard way. 

5)  Neglecting Your Character Formation While Dating

I recently read that the majority of Christian marriages break up because of “irreconcilable differences” which could also mean selfishness. Many of us don’t want to submit to another when we’ve gotten so used to the independent life. Take time during your dating process to seek God at every turn. Bring Him into it.

Nothing brings up character issues like trying to communicate and understand another person. Because we’re human, messy, and flawed, our issues will come to the surface. Take this chance to work on any unhealthy patterns. Seek counseling. Pray about it. Journal your thoughts and feelings. You’ll thank yourself later. Promise. :)

These are just five things that I’ve noticed in my own life, although I’m sure you have more. What are other mistakes you’ve observed or experienced with regard to women and dating?

*A lot more of these tips are found in Dr. Henry Cloud’s book “How To Get A Date Worth Keeping. “ It’s basically become a dating manifesto for many of my now dating friends. Give it a read. 

Melissa's Blog: Where My Heart Wants To Go

Bitterness

There are times as a counselor when I feel a deep sadness along with a large dollop of frustration. I expect to feel sad as I hear of people’s pain. It is just plain hard to listen to the results of sin, regret, and/or natural or unfortunate circumstances in the lives of people.

But my frustration comes when progress is blocked by a client tenaciously holding on to something of a destructive nature that yields no possible benefit.

Bitterness is one of these with disastrous relational results.

Bitterness separates parents from children, husbands from wives, and congregants from churches. It can rip close friends apart from one another leaving both lonely and dissatisfied. Why would we hold on to such a destructive force as cold resentment when we are quite aware of how it hurts us and others?    

The answer is not very pretty: It is power that can be used to control or punish others and justify our bad behavior. I give myself permission to withhold love and approval. I build a fortress of protection from relational risk. But I am also out of the will of God.

There are times when it is appropriate to set boundaries with people in order to stop or prevent damage. But these boundaries must be set with love with a goal towards restoration, if possible. How can we move towards reconciliation if our heart is cold and hard?

In bitterness spouses will withhold conversation, friendliness or sex, or communicate only in anger, sarcasm or irritability, needlessly maintaining walls of separation. The results are a loveless or shallow marriage. Children will become rebellious and disrespectful and parents will deny the nurturance that all sons and daughter need to become healthy adults.

The Bible says that forgiveness (as opposed to reconciliation) is not an option. And the truth is that often we are the only one that suffers as our heart shuts down. The ability to forgive is both an act of the will and an act of obedience. It is also a supernatural occurrence because the truth is that I rarely feel the strength or the inclination. Can I really utter the words “not my will but thy will be done” in my humanness?

It is with love that I write these words because my joy is in seeing reconciliation and restoration in the lives of people I care about. It is always difficult to be the one who takes a risk and makes a first move. Often that first move is internal, allowing God to work on our hearts. It is a surrender to love that far surpasses our ability to comprehend it. Only God can effectively remove our bitterroot judgments. And only with our cooperation will He do that.

Eph 4:31-32 (NLT) Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Truth In Dating

Way back in the 1970’s our band played for many singles events at a string of apartment complexes that only allowed single people as residents. Over the years that we played for theses dances I got a perspective that may be helpful with today’s largest single events – online dating sites.

It was clear to me that many of the residents were confused about the purpose of living at a singles only facility. 

There were a great many (mostly guys) who believed that staying single was the purpose of living in the complex. Their goal was to have fun while moving from person to person in uncommitted relationships.

Then there was the other group (mostly women) who saw a large group of persons of the opposite sex who were available for relationships, and had the primary goal of finding a marriage partner.

What I saw was a lot of over-drinking and over-thinking going on – and many disappointed and disillusioned young adults making bad choices. Obviously the atmosphere was perfect for a lot of promiscuous behavior.

It occurs to me that the same conditions exist for online dating if the goals are not communicated or if they are not clear and truthful. There are (married or other) predators among both men and women, and a Christian or other religious dating site is no guarantee of honesty. However I do think that one probably stands a much better chance on a dating site that is supportive of your belief system and strives to operate with integrity. Many of the right questions are asked on these dating sites and being honest and thoughtful as you answer them will hopefully yield good results

If it seems I am being negative or critical about Internet dating, I am not. A large percentage of couples who come to us for premarried counseling have met online and have done very well in finding a good mate. It is a wonderful way to increase the size of the pool from which you can seek a partner.

How are you at communicating your dating intentions? Are you afraid of scaring away potential dates if you are truly honest? Are you too eager to connect? Are you willing to sacrifice your integrity and values to get and keep a relationship? Are you willing to settle for less than you should, or are you one of those who hold unreasonable relationship expectations?

Sometimes it is hard to know the answers to the above questions without outside help.

If you have had many disappointing relationships or bad dating experiences, it is possible that your “chooser” is broken. Being in a close community with wise and supportive friends or mentors who will be honest with you is invaluable to get a perspective. 

The Short Life

As I was sitting in front of another young squabbling couple the other day I thought to myself, “Life is so short. Do you really want to spend this precious time arguing over relatively minor issues, when you could be enjoying the one and only life you have?”

Then I thought, “I wonder how many people have thought that about me, when I complained about something inconsequential.”

These days Nan and I get through most conflicts in less than five minutes – tops. But, sometimes I forget how long it has taken to get to this point. I can assure you that we started out passionate fighters, full of self-righteousness and indignant with offenses.    

I don’t know exactly when this started to slow down, but I don’t think it had to do with running out of energy for conflict. I think it had more to do with becoming more emotionally and spiritually mature (as a result of lots of hours of counseling). It became harder and harder to reconcile our emotional immaturity with the Word of God.

Maturity is not a result of growing older. It’s a state of the mind and heart. I know people in their 50’s, 60’s and older who are still operating emotionally the way they did in their teen years. It is sad to watch. But I also know young adults who have understanding way beyond their years.

What is the key to achieving this?

I think three things are required, minimum. One is desire, the second is education and the third is humility.

Truly, I must want to grow, see the value in growth, and accept nothing less than growth. We are not going to follow through with anything that we do not believe in. Our actions will always follow our beliefs. My desire to have right beliefs must be intense.

There is usually a point in counseling where the focus shifts from establishing what changes are needed to the question of how to make those changes. I have found that this is often the missing piece, and this is where information and education is necessary. And this is where active learners often have an advantage. They are hungry for insight and will pursue many avenues to gain it.

Lastly is humility. Change is hard. Bad habits do not die easily. They must be aggressively squashed. To do that requires a kind of surrender that is not part of my nature. It probably isn’t your nature either. It often means admitting that I am wrong, that I have failed in some areas, and that I am part of the problem (most couples come in for counseling with the goal of changing their partner). It means staying quiet when everything inside of me is screaming to be heard.

So what is the goal?

Maybe, like us, it is getting your conflicts resolved in less than five minutes and returning to joy, because life is short.    

A Great Friend

As I study to improve my skills and understanding as a counselor, it always leads me into a place of self-examination. If I cannot allow the things I learn to affect my own life, how can I expect it of others? It would be kind of like listening to a sermon in church and constantly elbowing the person next to you.

There is a passage in the Bible that is generally considered to be one of the core instructions for being a counselor, but I think it also could describe the qualities of a great friend.

The passage is from 1 Thessalonians 5.

¹⁴ Brothers and sisters, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone. ¹⁵ See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people. ¹⁶ Always be joyful. ¹⁷ Never stop praying. ¹⁸ Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

The skill set required to be a good counselor can also apply to being a good spouse (although I strongly suggest that you not try to be your spouse’s therapist).

Attending – Provide undivided attention when your spouse/friend is speaking. Maintain eye contact without staring, keep an open posture, lean forward and give small gestures to assure the person you are present.

Empathic response – Respond to the speaker in a way that assures them that you are connecting with the emotional content of their story (not just the informational content).

The interpersonal qualities of a good counselor are the same as a good friend.

Genuineness – You need to be the kind of person that you would want your friend/spouse to be. For example we cannot ask for kindness from them, while treating them in a harsh or demanding way.

Warmth – This is an essential quality for a therapist. Without it there is little chance that a trust-bond can be formed. The same can be said in other relationships. Without warmth there can be no relaxing.

Positive regard – This is treating the person with respect and care as a person made in the image of God. This does not mean that you always agree with them, or that you do not see a need for change.

Supportive and challenging – As a friend I must be able to give strong support to the person even though I may not be able to support their behavior at times. Knowing how to hold that delicate balance means I must be in communion with God.

As I strive to be a better counselor, I also want to endeavor to be a better person, friend, and spouse.

Can you agree?    

Cognitive Dissonance - I'm Fighting Inside

Years ago I remember a struggle taking place within me – a battle for my heart, mind and soul. In a nutshell, it was the pull between two worldviews. Which would win: the secular or the sacred? If I followed my feelings, I would go with the secular. However, if I followed my values I would have to side with my Christian upbringing.

Psychologists call this condition “cognitive dissonance”.

It is where the mind is in pain because it cannot hold two opposite beliefs at the same time. One must triumph over the other before there is internal peace.

This situation often occurs in relationships when there is a high level of conflict. What I feel like doing never aligns with my values. Whether my nature is to want to fight or run, staying and remaining calm and suffering for the sake of the relationship is not my first inclination.

This same kind of struggle happens with unmarried couples trying to follow a path of purity. The pull towards sexual activity does not align with their Christian beliefs. So they either abandon their values, or they modify their behavior (if they are acting out their feelings). And that choice is a hard one because of the cultural normalization of sexual activity as well as the internal drive to connect.  

We can also deceive ourselves by rationalizing and modifying beliefs (“it’s not really all that wrong” or “God really didn’t mean that” or “I married the wrong person – this person over here is my real soul mate”). Ultimately, though, we return back to cognitive dissonance if we become honest with ourselves and break denial.      

What are we to do when we hit these impasses? 

We honor our integrity by grieving the loss of the way we wish things were, but align our behavior to fit a level of maturity that values character qualities over immediate gratification. 

By the way, I hate that part, too. We all do.

However, the benefits are far-reaching – often beyond what we can see at the moment. The result is that we bring stability to relationships, marriages, families and communities – and hopefully peace to ourselves.  

Why Counseling Succeeds (or fails)

One of the reasons we try to establish counseling goals in the first session is so that we know that we are in agreement as to what should happen over the course of the counseling. This is particularly important when the client is a couple. Couples mostly hold the same goals (usually increase communication and reduce conflict), but do not necessarily see the solutions as the same. As a counselor, I want to be sure that I can hold the same goals as the client before I enter into the process. 

Sometimes a client’s goal is to just feel better, and is not yet ready to make needed changes. I may encourage these people to get a prayer partner until they are ready to consider making the necessary changes. Being emotionally ready leads to success. The one obvious exception is grief work. Change is not the goal here, but acceptance of the loss.

Counseling succeeds when the client’s goal is to change themselves rather than another person’s behavior.

• Parents often want to see their children make better choices, and I can usually agree. But for a parent to try to control their children without learning first how to control their own behavior may be a frustrating ordeal for both child and parent. But taking positive charge of the interactions will reduce the drama.

• Spouses usually want change from their partner, but some resist making changes within themselves. They may acknowledge their part of the problem and say they are willing to work on themselves, but there can be a low commitment. Sometimes even promises made in front of the counselor are ignored. Success comes with humility, optimism, patience and forgiveness.

• Counseling succeeds when there is a high consistency in attending the sessions. Clients that stay with the process on a consistent basis usually make quicker progress. Sometimes one person in couple’s counseling attends regularly, while their partner only shows up occasionally. There is a risk that only one person may be maturing while the other person remains the same.

• Counseling has a higher chance of succeeding when the client doesn’t expect the counselor to do the work for them. When the client follows through with “homework” assignments and makes time to practice skills in between sessions the likelihood of success is increased. 

• Success comes when a client holds reasonable expectations for themselves and others. Real change takes time, is incremental, and takes two steps forward and one step back. Focusing on any positive momentum and keeping the goal in mind is essential.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.  (Hebrews 12:1)