All the Single Guys

It must be something inside guys from birth. I’ve been there many times. You sit with a list of possibilities – Ford, Chevy, Toyota, Honda, BMW, whichever. Or will it be Samsung, LG, Panasonic, Sony or Vizio. Then there are the options on each one. So many options, how can one decide? While you are stuck in indecision another year passes and another model becomes available. Now there is a whole new set of possibilites to factor in.

I think guys can be like that with relationships. Analysis paralysis strikes again.

Guys will get stuck kicking tires and slow down the experience being in the drivers seat of their own vehicle. Yes, they may test drive several along the way, but then give them back because of their uncertainty. And unfortunately they often return them empty of gas and covered with dirt. Have you ever washed a rental car? I think guys can treat the women that they date like that too sometimes. They use them and then leave them drained and sullied.

Are you one of those guys? I’m not saying you necessarily have bad intentions. You may seriously want to find a wife, and you are pretty good at treating women respectfully. But are you so stuck on finding “the perfect one” that you let the years and women roll by and never really get started? And then you wonder why women your age seem to be so anxious about getting married?

Or are you one of those guys that allow your relationship to drag on for years without making a decision? If you don’t know if she’s right within the first year then you will probably never know. Finish the job within two years or let her go find someone who will.

There is reality to a woman’s biological clock, and men just don’t feel pressured by it in the same way, (unless of course they are married to a wife who is). I don’t believe it is fair for men to negatively judge women who carry that desire to be married while childbearing is still possible or relatively easy. I think guys need to have more empathy.

Do women also look for the perfect man? Of course they do. But I think they are likely to become more realistic as time goes by and they hear that clock ticking. I think guys need to join them.

Are you holding back because you think you have to have it all together first -- the home, the career, the bank account? You don’t need to be a home owner – but you do need to have a job. And it’s good to have a realistic sense of where you are headed in life. If you are having a hard time getting a woman to say “yes” to a marriage proposal it may be because you lack these basics. Or it could be that you still need maturity in other areas as well. Are you prepared to make compromises for the sake of a relationship? Did you learn how to share as a kid? You will need that skill as a husband. Long term singleness can make both men and women pretty rigid and selfish sometimes.

Is it scary to think about giving up the freedom that comes with singleness? Yes it is. But is marriage good for men? Yes. Is it good for women? Yes. Is it good for children? Yes. And it is good for society as well.

If you like it ………     

All the Single Ladies

A while ago Nan read an interesting research statistic to me.

Men in leadership usually choose a team that will support them whereas women in leadership tend to choose a team that will challenge them.

As a business owner I have seen this dynamic in action as well. When a team member is seen as too aggressive or contrary, especially if there is an angry edge or a feeling of veiled anger, male leaders will often see them as someone who needs to be “handled”, isolated or eliminated, often to the surprise of the person who assumed that that was their role. Thinking that they are demonstrating competence and initiative, they are surprised when they are demoted rather than promoted.

I believe it is the same in relationships.

When a woman aggressively challenges her partner, he is likely to respond by creating some kind of distance, either by using anger to push her away, or by withdrawing physically or emotionally.

I know this can be confusing to a woman, who may see her behavior as an attempt at shared intimacy or connection or relational mutuality or equality. But most men will not interpret it the same way. He will often see it as threatening or disrespectful.

What can a woman do to feel more like a partner in the relationship? I would suggest an approach that would be labeled “gentle persuasion”. This is not nagging, which carries the tone of disappointment with the person, but rather an attitude of kind support, even though there is a difference of opinion.

I can admit that if it were not for Nan’s gentle persuasion, I would ignore many aspects of self care as well as social connection. Instead of showing irritation with me, she is just persistent. Do I like it? No, not really, but I know I need it. And it feels supportive rather than confrontational.

I have targeted this post for single ladies because there are many women who miss this or think this is unfair, but the result is that they don’t get chosen and they don’t know why. Or they do get chosen and then feel emotionally isolated down the road.

Dr. John Gottman (relationship expert par excellence) describes the divorce profile as:

“A husband unwilling to be influenced by his wife and a wife who starts quarrels harshly and with anger.”

So ladies I am suggesting that you become an expert at gentle influence and hopefully you will be in a relationship with a guy who will appreciate it.

9 Tips For Men For Successful Dating

The other day I was listening to an interesting show on the radio. It was talking about first dates and all the weird, crazy and dumb things that people have experienced. Although some things have changed since I was a young, hormone-driven dating candidate, I don’t believe men and women have. I base my opinion on stories and complaints my single clients have shared with me over the years. One thing in particular has not changed:

Women still want to be pursued, chosen.

This means that the old concept of “winning the woman” is still very much alive. If guys ignore this, they may miss out on worthy women. If women pretend that this doesn’t really matter, they may never feel chosen.

Here are some tips for the men.

• Make the first call. Ask for contact information and follow through. Don’t ask to exchange numbers or email addresses.

• Don’t ignore courtesies like saying “please”, “thank-you”, opening doors for her, etc. You will stand out above the crowd if you do these things.

• Dress appropriately on a date. Yes, that means dress up at least as nicely as she does or even better. It makes her feel special. And do let her know where you are taking her so she can dress suitably for the venue.

• Keep your hands off of her. It is disrespectful to assume you have any kind of access to her body just because she said “yes” to a date. Treat her as if she might become your best friend’s wife. It could happen.  
• Don’t talk about sex or your “ex”. These conversations are for way down the line.

• Pay for the date. Don’t ask that she split the bill – and let her know up front that you want to treat her. Pick something you can afford – even if it’s just modest.       

• Choose a public and lively atmosphere for first dates. Intimate restaurants and meeting places are for serious relationships.

• Don’t overshare. Keep the conversation light and polite. She doesn’t need to know that you battled depression or that you wet your bed until you were 14. Those are details best saved for much later. Limit talking about other people, especially people she doesn’t know (like your family).  

• Ask her general questions about herself and her life, not intimate details. And keep the conversation balanced between talking and listening. Don’t dominate the conversation or fail to participate. Listen for the kinds of activities that she enjoys so that you can use that information for planning other dates if you are interested in pursuing the relationship.

 As a believer, you are representing Christ. You should match your behavior to your beliefs. You are worthy of respect, but you must also act respectable. It will pay dividends as you pursue a lifelong relationship.

Breakups and Makeups

When Nan and I were 19 we had a breakup. We had been dating for about three years and she had gone off to live on campus at UCLA. We did our best to keep things going for a while, but somewhere into her second year we called it quits. It was painful. And it was a good choice. We were too young and too inexperienced. We both needed to stretch and grow and experience a bit more life.

We stayed apart for less than a year, but it was long enough to know that the grass was not greener on the other side of the fence.

I am concerned, however, when dating couples experience multiple breakups, especially when they are not in their teen years. When I see this happening it is a red flag for me. I can imagine that these are the same couples who threaten divorce often when things get strained in their marriage.

What is going on here? 

Just like Nan and me were back then, one or both people are not mature or emotionally stable enough to sustain an adult relationship.

I see a breakup as a good thing most of the time. The couple has recognized through the process of dating that there are factors that are, or would become long term problems. It especially takes courage when the relationship has a lot of time and effort behind it. 

Why might a couple get back together after a breakup?

• Anxiety that they made a mistake -- Even though the choice was a good one, there might be fear that they missed something.

• They tried dating other people but it didn’t work out -- The fear of being alone is greater than the fear of being in a potentially weak marriage. 

• Low sense of self worth -- They believe that they probably can’t do any better, so they settle on going back to a conflictual relationship.

• Family pressure -- Sometimes their family has bonded with the person they have been dating and doesn’t agree with the decision to break up.

• Sexual connection -- They have engaged in a sexual relationship and find it hard to give up, even though they know they will eventually break up again. 

There may be many other reasons as well. I am not saying that all breakups should remain permanent, but many should. It is difficult to go through the grief of a separation – but it is less painful than doing it multiple times, or enduring a troubled marriage.

Proverbs 26:11 (NLT) 

As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.

Kicked Into the Friend Zone

Back in my late teens I was hired to accompany a singer on piano for private auditions. She was beautiful, talented and roughly my age. I was magnetized. And it seemed to me that she felt the same way. She paid lots of attention to me and we stole time from our rehearsal schedule to talk about other things. I did everything I could to accommodate her schedule and desires and spend more time with her. But as time went on she started talking about us as “a team”. She remarked how “nice” I was. Uh, oh.

I found myself kicked into the friend zone.

Perhaps you have experienced the same thing and wondered why it happened. You thought things were going well with him or her and then all of a sudden you became the observer of a romantic relationship rather than a participant when someone new entered the picture.

What do we do that gets us sidelined?

The relationship that never was.  

Sometimes the relationship starts out and remains one-sided. We misjudge it from the beginning. We are romantically interested, but the feelings are not mutual. We may be mismatched, “out of our league” and in denial. Couples that go the distance are usually pretty well matched physically, socio-economically, intellectually and spiritually. Have a realistic assessment of yourself. Face it - you were always in the friend zone. 

What if you pass that first round? What are things that can get you kicked into the friend zone?

• Too nice or too sweet. I’m sorry to say but overly nice or sweet screams “good friend”. There is no intrigue, no mystery, no edginess and as a result no interest in the romance department. I am not advocating disagreeable or abrasive, just balanced.

•  Too available or accommodating. Like the above, this one comes across as desperate. When you make the other person’s feelings and desires more important than yours you may be perceived as needy. A sure romance buster.      

•  Asexual. Do you try to hide or downplay your attractiveness? Do you come off like someone’s kid brother or sister? How you dress and present yourself is important. Look in the mirror. Do you look like you could be someone’s object of desire? I’m not talking trashy or inappropriate – just prepped to attract. Sexuality should be subtle, but if it’s totally missing, so will a romantic relationship.

•  Don’t take on the roles of his or her same sex friends. The conversations that same sex friends have and the topics discussed are different from the ones that occur between dating couples. The activities are usually different, too. Don’t shoot hoops with him and his friends in place of a date. Don’t go shopping for clothes and beauty products with her. If you do you might just find yourself helping her pick out an outfit for a date – with someone else. 

• Indiscriminate physical touch. There is a difference in the kind of affection that is shared between friends and the kind that is reserved for romantic relationships. Think “high-fives” and pats on the back versus a gentle touch on the arm or cheek. Use physical touch with intentionality. It is a powerful tool.

Although I have heard this complaint more often from guys, it is by no means one-sided. Women can just as easily be relabeled as a friend. If this happens to you, don’t waste your emotional energy on trying to make something happen. Grieve the loss and move on. Make any needed strategic changes and then make yourself available to new possibilities.

Truth In Dating

Way back in the 1970’s our band played for many singles events at a string of apartment complexes that only allowed single people as residents. Over the years that we played for theses dances I got a perspective that may be helpful with today’s largest single events – online dating sites.

It was clear to me that many of the residents were confused about the purpose of living at a singles only facility. 

There were a great many (mostly guys) who believed that staying single was the purpose of living in the complex. Their goal was to have fun while moving from person to person in uncommitted relationships.

Then there was the other group (mostly women) who saw a large group of persons of the opposite sex who were available for relationships, and had the primary goal of finding a marriage partner.

What I saw was a lot of over-drinking and over-thinking going on – and many disappointed and disillusioned young adults making bad choices. Obviously the atmosphere was perfect for a lot of promiscuous behavior.

It occurs to me that the same conditions exist for online dating if the goals are not communicated or if they are not clear and truthful. There are (married or other) predators among both men and women, and a Christian or other religious dating site is no guarantee of honesty. However I do think that one probably stands a much better chance on a dating site that is supportive of your belief system and strives to operate with integrity. Many of the right questions are asked on these dating sites and being honest and thoughtful as you answer them will hopefully yield good results

If it seems I am being negative or critical about Internet dating, I am not. A large percentage of couples who come to us for premarried counseling have met online and have done very well in finding a good mate. It is a wonderful way to increase the size of the pool from which you can seek a partner.

How are you at communicating your dating intentions? Are you afraid of scaring away potential dates if you are truly honest? Are you too eager to connect? Are you willing to sacrifice your integrity and values to get and keep a relationship? Are you willing to settle for less than you should, or are you one of those who hold unreasonable relationship expectations?

Sometimes it is hard to know the answers to the above questions without outside help.

If you have had many disappointing relationships or bad dating experiences, it is possible that your “chooser” is broken. Being in a close community with wise and supportive friends or mentors who will be honest with you is invaluable to get a perspective. 

Taking Relational Risks In Dating

One of the frequent complaints I hear from our young women around our church goes something like this:

“Why won’t the guys step forward and ask us girls out on a date. We have some really great ladies around here.”

From the guys I hear something like this:

“With a lot of the girls in our community, I feel like I’m being measured for a suit I’m not sure I want to wear. I’m afraid it will be too tight. I think I would rather date someone from outside our church.”

Something’s wrong here.

The truth is, we have quality single men and women in abundance at our church. But only some of them are connecting. Our pre-married/pre-engaged class catches those that have stepped out. But what about the others?  What is holding them back?

I think part of the problem is that some of our single folks are hesitant to take relational risks.

As a guy, I might find that some girls have a pretty extensive list of expectations. Their ‘Must Have/Can’t Stand’ lists have been well-honed. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be afraid of them. They might also be the ones that will go the distance in a marriage. Hopefully they are looking for good character. If that’s you, they might be right for you. Of course guys can have these lists, too, and the same advice applies.

What risks might a single girl need to take?

Break out of the pack of women you tend to travel with. It’s easier to approach a girl that is not always in the middle of a group of women. I know you feel safer with them around, but you will have better success if you make room for the more shy guys. And dress to be noticed, with taste, of course. Guys are visual by nature – make sure they don’t overlook you.    

This next part is for both men and women. Would you consider yourself “high maintenance”? Are you highly opinionated and verbal? You may attract the opposite sex, but they will not usually want to continue with you. If you get this reputation, you may be avoided.  

One of the advantages of being an older male is that I tend to see beauty in women that younger men may not see. Guys, take a sharper look around and look for girls that you may have missed at first glance. Their appeal and attractiveness is revealed as the relationship grows. Take a risk and ask them out.  

And ladies, don’t pass by the guys that are more introverted or shy. You may need to encourage them a bit by making it really clear that you are interested. Body language goes a long way here. Your eyes are powerful, and so is a calculated touch on the arm.

I am aware that it is awkward to have to exist in community with an “ex”, post break-up, and that is why some don’t want to date within the church. But it is also painful to have to move from a community that you love to follow someone from another church. There is a risk either way.

How about making a New Year’s resolution about this issue – and follow through.

Any thoughts?

In Defense Of Marriage

Inspired by a friend’s post, I thought I better say some positive words about marriage. In my day, getting married was a no-brainer. It was just part of the natural progression of life. It was accepted as a good thing and most everyone expected to get there sooner rather than later.

What followed was an era of radical social upheaval that has left a lot of people confused about marriage, its value, its risks and its benefits. Attitudes about sex, cohabitation, children outside of marriage and what constitutes parents are constantly shifting. As a result, what used to be unquestioned in the general culture is now a muddled issue.

As counselors we were more worried that people would go into marriage unprepared, and therefore they would become less likely to sustain a marriage when challenges hit. So I think to some degree we have talked more about the potential pitfalls than the inherent benefits. Perhaps we have made some people more cautious about marriage than excited. As I stated earlier, it used to be that the benefits were assumed.

Although social norms may have changed, people have not. We still all have basic longings for love, security, significance, sexuality, and companionship. All of these things are best achieved in a committed relationship. For thousands of years we have called this marriage.

I think myths hold people back from marriage or even relationship.

“Women are only interested in a guy’s earning potential – their money.”

“Men are only interested in sex, not love”

These fears of being taken advantage of or being unloved or inadequate are usually just that – fears. Men also want love and women also want sex. And they both need money to live. Two people of good character and intentions will work those things out in a marriage. Sex and financial stability are actually two advantages in marriage for both men and women. Married couples overwhelmingly have higher success in both those areas. (And married men live longer than single men.)

Anyone who has been alone for any length of time knows the pain that often accompanies singleness. It becomes more acute during holidays and other social events. Some people might like having the freedom (control) of making all life’s decisions without having to factor in another’s opinion, but others just feel the burden. It’s harder to dream alone, go on vacations alone, and get older alone. Community is helpful, even essential, but not the same.

I was talking to a friend this week, and she was saying how life was so much simpler without children (her oldest just became an adolescent). But she said it was not better, just easier – she could not imagine doing life without her kids. The same can be said about marriage.

Ecclesiastes 4:  ⁹ Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. ¹⁰ If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.