Choosing a Mate

Since Nan & I had taught the pre-married/pre-engagement class at church for decades, we spent a good deal of our time with couples in that stage of a relationship. It is undeniable that most had found each other because of an attraction that they felt. Yes, some have been matched through an online service, which hopefully goes deeper than attraction alone. Our belief is that a decision for marriage should be based on a balance of attraction and suitability.

In other words, the head and the heart must be in sync.

What makes a potential mate suitable? When I first saw Nan the thought of assessing her character  never entered my mind. (OK, I was young and maturity helps a bit with the concept). Blind attraction from a chemical wash of the brain makes everything seem possible within a relationship. We might believe we can make a relationship with a person who lives in another country with 2 kids from a former marriage work. Right.

Here are some factors that must be considered.

• Are we of the same spiritual mind? The Christian term is “equally yoked”. 
• If we are of different ethnicities, will our families accept our potential mate? 
• Are we in agreement about children? 
• Do we come from similar socio-economic backgrounds? 
• Does my partner have great character – free from addictions? Are they honest, trustworthy, hard working, kind, dependable, teachable, humble, gentle, not given to fits of anger or rage, etc.? This is foremost in our opinion. 
• Do we communicate well? Is my partner a listener as well as a talker? 
• Can we resolve conflict, or do we give up and go away mad or discouraged? 
• Do we have a financial plan based on reality? Are we both committed to working to make it happen? 
• Is my partner a happy person or do they seem to be critical, complaining, cynical or pessimistic? It is hard to live with a depressed person. 

One of the reasons I think premarital sex is a bad idea, apart from the biblical reasons, is that once we have crossed that boundary our minds are clouded by the closeness we feel. It becomes very difficult to have a balanced perspective. If we also live together we add one more entanglement as well – that of being economically entwined. It is very difficult to extricate ourselves from an unsuitable relationship when we are emotionally, physically and economically connected.

What would you add to my list? What has caused you pain or confusion? Have you had repeated bad break-ups or have you found yourself in a difficult marriage because you ignored the above factors? Are you stuck right now? Or have you chosen well and you are rejoicing with the satisfaction of your relational success? With strength and courage and maybe some help from others there is always hope.

One Fatal Flaw In Dating

Many years ago I was standing at the front counter of a dental office in Lawndale and the woman behind the desk was listening to Dr. Toni Grant, a radio psychologist. Dr. Grant was involved in a conversation with a young woman who was complaining about a relationship that she was in. “What’s wrong with him!” she whined. Dr. Grant was kind but firm:

“The problem is with you. You choose the wrong type of man. You are chasing excitement. Don’t you know that all good men are a little bit boring?”

This has stuck with me all these years because it is true – but I would say it applies to both men and women equally. Bad boys and bad girls. They are exciting, but you wouldn’t want to marry one, because they are relationally unstable. They are usually temporary and most often will hurt you eventually.

What are the indicators of these personality types?

• Their lives are chaotic – financially, relationally, etc.
• They take unnecessary or foolish risks – drugs, alcohol, sex, speeding, spending, gambling, etc.
• They keep parts of their lives obscured and secretive.
• When things go wrong they blame you, or others.
• They advertise but often don’t deliver on their promises.
• They leave a trail of broken relationships.
• They control the relationship. You are always subject to their time schedule, desires and expectations. 
• They are selfish and always have an excuse for their behavior.
• They connect intensely and withdraw intensely. 

If you have been, or are in a relationship with one of these people I am sure you can add to my list. It can be difficult to break this addiction to the wrong type. You may think the trade-off is worth it, but I guarantee you it is not. Eventually the buzz wears off and the pain and damage remains.

Is there hope for you or them? Of course. People can change, but it is very difficult. Often the question is “Do they (or you) really want to change?” or “Will they do the work that change requires?”. Going to counseling or recovery programs is not always an indication of either. It is a start, but not a finish.

"But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves." (James 1:22 (NLT)

I am not equating the advice of a counselor to the word of God, but I am saying that hearing alone is not sufficient. We have had clients who have stayed for quite a long time, but never grew. They knew what to do, but never followed through. Sadly, they left counseling carrying the same weights they brought with them the first session. Happily, that is not usually the case.

If you find that you are attracted to the wrong type – take a break from dating until you make the necessary shifts. If you are the wrong type, the same advice stands. You have to become the kind of person that you want to attract – spiritually, mentally and physically.   

It’s easier to add some excitement than it is to cleanup chaos. A little bit boring is healthy.  

Argumentative People

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky. Phil 2:14-15 

“I don’t think I’m going to ask her to marry me.”

I was surprised. I had been counseling the couple for a while and they seemed pretty well suited for each other. I asked why. He replied “She challenges everything I say. She has a retort for everything I share. She’s just so argumentative.”

As I thought about their conversations, I could really understand what he was saying. I had missed it because she was just so kind in the way she did it. But it was there. So I did what I thought a good counselor should do. I asked if he would be willing to confront her instead of walking away from the relationship. He agreed to talk about it with her in our counseling session.

What happened should have been predictable. When confronted, she argued with him about his perspective. Fail!

Of course men will do this too.

“He argues with me until he wears me down. He won’t stop – it could go on for hours. Can’t we ever do it my way just once? I can’t take it anymore.”

The truth is, it’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who is always challenging you.

Both genders can feel overwhelmed by the intensity of an argumentative person, leaving them feeling unappreciated and inadequate. Yes, two volatile people might seem to understand each other in the way they do conflict, but they are also the most likely to have 911 called on them. It is usually not a relationship builder.

Why might someone become argumentative?

• I have seen families where this is encouraged. Debating is seen as a way to build strong kids: “Don’t just agree, push back and defend your position.” 

• I have also known people who have overdone it when learning to “find their voice” and protecting themselves from being overpowered. 

• Sometimes it is just a personality trait that has to be brought under the control of the Holy Spirit. 

Are you in a relationship with a disagreeable person and suffering? Are you a disagreeable person and are not fully aware of it? Admitting the truth is the first step to healing. Then work on learning to calm yourself and to seek a win-win compromise instead of a win-lose outcome. 

Do you find yourselves in useless quarrels? We all do. Practice the communication exercise below. You may need help from your counselor. The goal is for both both people to feel heard and understood.

EXERCISE

Practice asking for what you want or need in a clear and direct way by using this template. It

might feel rote, but learning and practicing with these steps will help you stay constructive especially when emotions are heated. 

Start with an affirmation such as: “I know you didn’t intend to” or “I know you are a good

man/woman/mom/daughter, etc” or some other statement of positive intent. 

SPEAKER

1. STATE A FEELING: 

I feel____________________ (use a feeling word) when_________________(describe a situation)

        Important Caution: DO NOT follow the word “feel” above with either “like” or “that” or

        you will be expressing a thought or judgment. 

2. EXPRESS A NEED OR DESIRE: 

And, what I’d like is ___________________________________ 

LISTENER 

In response, your partner does the following:

1. REFLECT: What I hear you say is ______________________________

2. EMPATHIZE: I understand that ___________________________________

3. REASSURE: I want you to know __________________________________ 

Make sure you take turns being the speaker and responder!

Expectations

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Eph 5:21

When we talk about expectations, in terms of relationships, we are usually referring to the behavioral aspects of a relationship; the roles that we are assuming the other will play and the rules that they will follow when we are united.  But, I’ve found that people not only have subconscious expectations of what a person should “do”, but often also who they should ‘be’ or become. This can be the most frustrating and demoralizing thing about the first few years of marriage.

An example of this is when a woman marries a guy who is kind and easy going, and then when married, expects him to become the leader and to be assertive (in the ways she wants him to lead, of course).

Or a man who marries a career gal, who is assertive and motivated, and then wants her to settle down and take care of him and raise kids instead, when this is not something about which they had agreed.

In our pre-marriage class we say, “What you see is what you get.”  If your future mate is laid back and quiet, well, that’s what you get.  If your beloved is upbeat and an extrovert, well, that’s what you get. If you can’t live with them the way they are, don’t choose that person.

What aspects of the person you are dating or married to are the most difficult for you, or the most different from who you are? What adjustments will you have to make to accommodate your differences?

If you are not yet married, how far are you willing to bend, rather than asking him or her to change? Or, if your partner’s behavior is really a problem, how willing are they to develop a new life pattern before you get married? The answers to these questions may predict either a satisfying or a conflicted marriage.

What if you are already married and realize that you did not give enough thought to these questions before you tied the knot?

My only answer is that you must work on mutual acceptance. You must focus on the positive aspects of the relationship that drew you together in the first place. There may be opportunities along the way for you and your partner to grow in the direction of your desires, but change is slow and hard and must be encouraged with kindness.

There may be grief involved in accepting the loss of the way you had hoped things would be. But there is also peace that comes with letting go of unrealistic expectations. 

Trying Too Hard To Make A Relationship Work

I’m all about perseverance. If you are going to survive in any type of sales career (like I had been in for 34 years), you will have to acquire a good dose of it. But I have also had to learn when it was time to quit. There is a fine line between being diligent and being self-defeating.

It can be the same in a pre-married relationship.

Sometimes it’s just too hard to close the sale and go from not married to married. I have seen many couples fight an uphill battle trying to “make” a relationship work. Here are a few indicators that you might be trying too hard.

• The relationship seems more like work than fun. It is necessary to do a certain amount of investigative and other preparatory work before making such a significant commitment. But is most of the joy and delight missing when you are together?

• There is a lot of conflict. We go by the 80/20 rule. Are 80% of your interactions positive or do you find yourselves dealing with a significantly higher percentage of conflict?

• You’ve been in counseling for too long a time. Have you wisely entered into pre-married counseling but discover there are so many challenges that it drags on and becomes more like “trying to save this marriage” counseling?

• You are constantly being compelled to change. It may be that you feel you are unacceptable to your partner unless you make a lot of changes. Growth is good, but are you being asked to become someone you are not, especially when you like who you are?

• You have to defend the relationship to family and friends. Do the people that really know you express their concern for you? Do you find yourself having to distance from them in order to preserve the relationship equilibrium?

• You breakup and makeup several times. Do you go through this cycle expecting that “this time” it will be better and finally work out? Is it hard to admit that you have chosen poorly?

• You just can’t quite commit. Maybe there is a good reason and God is protecting you. Do you feel restrained in your spirit?

You are not a “loser” because you decide to move on when a premarried relationship is too hard. You are actually displaying wisdom and maturity. It may be hard for you to trust that God will not abandon you in your desire for a relationship. But I would encourage you to trust regardless.

Proverbs 14:12 (NLT) There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.

I’m Divorcing - When Can I Date Again?

Over the years Nan and I have had to deal with the changing attitudes in our culture when it comes to moral issues. Some of them are very controversial. Others are at best  reluctantly accepted as something to struggle with.

Among these issues are premarital sex and living together before marriage (cohabiting).

We have noticed that the acceptance among believing Christians has increased significantly in these areas. Even when statistics show that success and satisfaction in marriage and relationships decreases as a result of these decisions, there is a resistance to push back against the cultural pressures.

Some will cite financial advantages as to why they cohabit, while others will point out  that holding sexual boundaries are unrealistic given our sex saturated environment. But our experience is that many that we see are faithful to follow what they understand to be God’s plan for them as a couple.

As counselors, we try our best to handle these issues with as much grace as we can without abandoning truth, as we understand it, from our biblical worldview. However there is one place where we are uncompromising in our advice and that is the essential need to keep boundaries while going through a divorce.

It is very unpopular when we tell people they are not free to date until they are completely divorced.

We have a lot of compassion for divorcing people. They have gone through a lot of pain. They may have been very lonely in their marriage for a long time. Their spouse may have cheated on them and broken the marriage vows. They feel a deep need for comfort and to believe that there will be a positive future. But we do not believe that gives them permission to break their marriage vows.

God’s grace allows divorce. And sometimes we can support a divorce. But we also understand that until a divorce is final, it is a separation, whether physical or emotional. That is why dating must be delayed. Besides, going from one relationship to another often does not allow for adequate recovery and healing to take place.

What is interesting is that the same reasons unmarried couples use to defend cohabiting are also the same ones separated couples use to justify forming relationships prematurely. And unfortunately many times children are also brought into this unstable and chaotic mix.

Regardless of the rationalizations that may surface in your mind, hold fast to your integrity during this difficult, discouraging and painful transition. Let God and friends be your comfort until you are once again free to date.

Dating Advice for the Not-Yet-In-A-Relationship

One of the things that Nan & I do with relationship seekers is to give out a list of “Must Haves” and “Can’t Stands”. It is basically a collection of both character qualities and preferences that can guide a person while “interviewing” potential mates. The instructions are to choose your top 10 in each category. 

These lists serve two purposes. For some, it is necessary to limit the choices to a realistic collection of desired attributes. That is why the choices are capped at 10. For others, they tend to set the bar so low that they need to work on raising their standards to an acceptable level. Which group do you fall into: too picky or too lax? 

There is a catch, too. You must become what you want to attract.

So many people focus on what they want from a relationship, but fail to ask the question “What am I willing to give?” I suggest making out a list of all the things you will bring to the table. Marriage is a partnership of two people willing to contribute equally to a common future. 

Too many times we have seen items on a person’s list that don’t match. 

• “I want someone physically fit” – but they themselves are not. 
• “I must have someone who is organized” – but their personal world is a mess. 
• “I want someone who is ambitious” – but they have no goals in life. 
• “I desire someone with high moral standards” – but they, well… you get the point. 

Our advice is often to back off of relationship seeking until you have made the necessary adjustments in your thinking, attitude or physicality. You are far more likely to connect with a great partner if you do. 

Are you a workaholic? Relationships require ongoing time investments. You many have to cut back from your job so you can contribute more at home. 

Are you lazy and want to be taken care of? This is a prescription for resentment to grow in your relationship. And resentment will create distance and isolation eventually. Try to match your partner’s energy. 

One other thing comes to mind. For some the quest for a relationship is fear driven. 

“I don’t want to end up alone.” 

Unfortunately, this anxiety is often palpable and obvious and may be the key reason you are not able to connect. You may exude a seriousness that makes others back off. Dating should be fun and easy, full of smiles and laughter and enjoyment – not an intense pursuit toward a goal. That comes later after you have established that the person really is a good candidate for a deeper relationship. Nan suggests a minimum of 12 dates with 12 different people in 12 months so you don’t just get stuck on the first one that comes along. 

You can make up your own “Must Haves” and “Can’t Stands” lists – but remember, you must “be” all the things on your lists.

10 Things a Woman Can Do To Get and Keep A Man

For this week I am going to post an article from a former colleague of Nan’s that she wrote some time ago for a magazine. I think her observations are spot on.

What Men Want From Women – The Basics

Karen McQuade M.S.

“What do men want?” women often wonder. Although most men do think a lot about sex, and it is very important to them, they so value other things in a relationship, too. Ladies, it’s simpler than you might think.

1) A man wants a woman who is glad that he is in her life. A man wants to feel welcome in the life of the woman he’s involved with. He wants a woman who enjoys his company. He does not want to be continually criticized or corrected. He’d like to feel he pleases her. If you can’t be happy with him as he is now, ask yourself why that is. Men do not want to be your home improvement project.

2) Men want to be valued for their contributions. Men are more action-based than word-based. A man wants to hear that the woman in his life appreciates what he does. He wants his contributions to be thought of as valuable to her and to the family as a whole. Make it a habit to express your appreciation frequently for what he does.

3) Men want their efforts at change to be recognized. Men get very discouraged when they change their behavior and hear angry words like, “Now, why can’t you do that all the time?” Men would prefer, “Thank you, honey, I really appreciate that.” A man wants to know his efforts to change his behavior and to please his partner make a difference in their relationship and that she feels good about him and their relationship when he does change.

4) Men want women who understand women’s words are powerful. Women are verbally adept, and can easily hurt others by what they say. We often see men as tough, but actually men are easily hurt by words. Men want relationships with women who are conscious of the effect their words can have on others. They want caring women who take responsibility for the words and tone they use. Watch your words, and don’t be cruel.

5) Men want an activity companion. Men are doers, not talkers. To men, meaningful interaction is often what they do with others. So men want women who will spend time doing things with them and enjoy it. Men find that meaningful and satisfying, even if the two of you don’t talk much. Learn to appreciate just being together sometimes. Talking isn’t everything.

6) Men usually like their conversations brief and orderly. Men prefer that you tell them one thing at a time in a relatively orderly fashion. Write down long lists of things you want done, and get to the point before they lost or lose interest. Women usually are very verbal and don’t always talk concisely or in a particular order, which is fine when talking with most women, but is very confusing and frustrating to most men. Remember, men are not chatty, so don’t ramble too much. Condense, and get to the point. Save most of the conversational strolls into the recesses of your soul for your female friends.

7) Men want a woman who has a life. A healthy man is attracted by a woman who has a life to share with him, not by a woman who wants him to be her life. Most men get anxious around a woman who expects that merely having him will solve all her problems. To be a woman’s sole source of fulfillment and happiness is too heavy a burden for any man. Relationships require that you have a strong sense of self and varied interests in life.

8) Men want peace. Men want their relationships with women to be a nurturing, peaceful, and loving refuge from the world. Men do not want a contentious home or relationship. They want women who are not easily offended or easily upset, or impossible to please. They want positive, caring interactions to be the norm. Constant anger, discontent, and unhappiness drive men away. If you tend to be negative, discontent, or irritable, seek professional help in overcoming those tendencies. These tendencies do not work well in a relationship.

9) Men want women to know that women’s emotions can be overwhelming to men. Men do not even want to talk at length about their own feelings or to examine them in great detail. They find women stressful who love to have frequent, long conversations about feelings and the state of the relationship. Although some talk of feelings and the state of the relationship is necessary, frequent, intense conversations like this will cause men to get overloaded and shut down emotionally. If you want a companion and not a zombie, let it be a seasoning, not a main dish.

10) Men do not want to be controlled or engulfed. Most men fear losing themselves in relationship. In healthy relationships people discuss important issues, what they are doing, and how it affects the other. Spouses also keep each other informed of their schedules. However, men do not want to feel their wives or girlfriends grant them permission to do things. Healthy men do not mind working out mutual solutions to problems, but men panic and resist if they feel a woman is trying to control their every move. A man can love a woman and still need time away from her. A man needs to feels his own separateness to be in relationship in order to be emotionally intimate with a woman. Respect his separateness and his differences. Be his companion and partner, not his boss or his Siamese twin.

If you can be the woman I’ve described, or can work toward being that woman, healthy men will be very happy with you.

Unequally Yoked in Dating

One of my clients provoked me to consider the admonition in Scripture for Christians to not be unequally yoked. Most believers would agree that it is clear that it applies in marriage – that a believer should not marry an unbeliever. But what about dating someone who is in a very different spiritual place?

To begin with, what is a yoke? It is something that ties two things together, historically a piece of wood joining two working animals. It lets them pull together and share the load. The animals need to be well matched so that one does not work harder than the other. It also helps them to be going in the same direction.

What happens when we try to pull in different directions?

We will probably get stuck or be in conflict. We will struggle to move forward. Oftentimes what are in conflict are our morals and values. How will we spend our time? What will we watch on television or see at the movies? What do we consider fun? How will we spend our money? What are the physical boundaries on our relationship? What do we believe about cohabitation?   

These same questions can largely be applied to friendships as well. I believe that too much rigidity in this area produces harshness, which is not consistent with our goal of loving people. But friendships can turn into dating relationships, so we must be careful to know where to draw the line. We can have very moral friends that agree with our values, but it breaks down when we get to spiritual matters. We would not want to be married to someone who does not share our faith, our passion for God or our commitment to the church.

So where does that leave us?

We must be very careful not to form romantic bonds with someone who is not aligned with our spiritual journey. That does not mean that they must experience God in the same way that we do – some relate best to God through worship music while others are deeply moved by the study of scripture. Still others are very contemplative in their style – but the focus and the goal is the same. We must be in agreement on the essentials of our faith.

I really feel for those who have difficultly finding dates, who are lonely, and welcome any connection with someone of the opposite sex. And I also feel sad for those who have formed unequal relationships that put them in a lot of conflict with their personal values, especially those who are married.  

I would love to hear any comments you might have on this subject. Please use the comment box below. 

I Want To Get Married

We often give out a list of “Must Haves” and “Can’t Stands” to singles that are in the search for a mate. They are lists of qualities that they are looking for in a husband or wife. It helps them define the characteristics they are hoping to find in a spouse so they can eliminate inappropriate matches early in the dating process.

Great. But after reading an article on Millennials (born between 1980 and 2000) in the workplace, I realized that we may have been feeding the entitlement tendency of this generation.

Yes, it is helpful to define what a good match for us would look like – but it is equally as important to define what would make us a good mate.

As an employer, when I look at a potential employee I am asking myself the question “What will this person bring to the table if I hire him/her?” I know what I have to offer: a salary, medical benefits, vacation and sick pay, defined working hours, a chance for advancement, etc. But what does the person in front of me bring besides a warm body? I think a single might ask themselves the same question. 

“What do I bring to a relationship that makes me a good catch?”

Here is a starting point. 

• Emotionally mature. I am able to deal with life’s ups and downs without a lot of drama.

• Hard working. I am committed to the domestic and financial health of a marriage.

• Addiction free. I am not controlled by alcohol, drugs, shopping, pornography, Facebook, texting, video gaming, gambling or any other type of addiction.

• A healthy and appealing body. Yes, attractiveness counts. It’s what gets the chemistry started.

• A generous attitude. I am patient and kind and giving towards others. I exude Christ’s love.

• Flexible. I don’t always have to have my own way. I can compromise.

• Realistic. I am able to manage my expectations and appetite for more and bigger.

• Trustworthy and trusting. I am not jealous or possessive. I keep my promises. 

• I am not contentious or argumentative.

One way of determining good personal characteristics is to draw up your own lists of what you do and don't desire, and then make sure you are all of those things, too. If you read through the book of Proverbs, you will get a great sense of what good character looks like on the practical side of life. 1 Corinthians chapter 13 gives you a guideline for being loving. James chapter 1 is also a good chapter to read.

9 Tips For Men For Successful Dating

The other day I was listening to an interesting show on the radio. It was talking about first dates and all the weird, crazy and dumb things that people have experienced. Although some things have changed since I was a young, hormone-driven dating candidate, I don’t believe men and women have. I base my opinion on stories and complaints my single clients have shared with me over the years. One thing in particular has not changed:

Women still want to be pursued, chosen.

This means that the old concept of “winning the woman” is still very much alive. If guys ignore this, they may miss out on worthy women. If women pretend that this doesn’t really matter, they may never feel chosen.

Here are some tips for the men.

• Make the first call. Ask for contact information and follow through. Don’t ask to exchange numbers or email addresses.

• Don’t ignore courtesies like saying “please”, “thank-you”, opening doors for her, etc. You will stand out above the crowd if you do these things.

• Dress appropriately on a date. Yes, that means dress up at least as nicely as she does or even better. It makes her feel special. And do let her know where you are taking her so she can dress suitably for the venue.

• Keep your hands off of her. It is disrespectful to assume you have any kind of access to her body just because she said “yes” to a date. Treat her as if she might become your best friend’s wife. It could happen.  
• Don’t talk about sex or your “ex”. These conversations are for way down the line.

• Pay for the date. Don’t ask that she split the bill – and let her know up front that you want to treat her. Pick something you can afford – even if it’s just modest.       

• Choose a public and lively atmosphere for first dates. Intimate restaurants and meeting places are for serious relationships.

• Don’t overshare. Keep the conversation light and polite. She doesn’t need to know that you battled depression or that you wet your bed until you were 14. Those are details best saved for much later. Limit talking about other people, especially people she doesn’t know (like your family).  

• Ask her general questions about herself and her life, not intimate details. And keep the conversation balanced between talking and listening. Don’t dominate the conversation or fail to participate. Listen for the kinds of activities that she enjoys so that you can use that information for planning other dates if you are interested in pursuing the relationship.

 As a believer, you are representing Christ. You should match your behavior to your beliefs. You are worthy of respect, but you must also act respectable. It will pay dividends as you pursue a lifelong relationship.

Breakups and Makeups

When Nan and I were 19 we had a breakup. We had been dating for about three years and she had gone off to live on campus at UCLA. We did our best to keep things going for a while, but somewhere into her second year we called it quits. It was painful. And it was a good choice. We were too young and too inexperienced. We both needed to stretch and grow and experience a bit more life.

We stayed apart for less than a year, but it was long enough to know that the grass was not greener on the other side of the fence.

I am concerned, however, when dating couples experience multiple breakups, especially when they are not in their teen years. When I see this happening it is a red flag for me. I can imagine that these are the same couples who threaten divorce often when things get strained in their marriage.

What is going on here? 

Just like Nan and me were back then, one or both people are not mature or emotionally stable enough to sustain an adult relationship.

I see a breakup as a good thing most of the time. The couple has recognized through the process of dating that there are factors that are, or would become long term problems. It especially takes courage when the relationship has a lot of time and effort behind it. 

Why might a couple get back together after a breakup?

• Anxiety that they made a mistake -- Even though the choice was a good one, there might be fear that they missed something.

• They tried dating other people but it didn’t work out -- The fear of being alone is greater than the fear of being in a potentially weak marriage. 

• Low sense of self worth -- They believe that they probably can’t do any better, so they settle on going back to a conflictual relationship.

• Family pressure -- Sometimes their family has bonded with the person they have been dating and doesn’t agree with the decision to break up.

• Sexual connection -- They have engaged in a sexual relationship and find it hard to give up, even though they know they will eventually break up again. 

There may be many other reasons as well. I am not saying that all breakups should remain permanent, but many should. It is difficult to go through the grief of a separation – but it is less painful than doing it multiple times, or enduring a troubled marriage.

Proverbs 26:11 (NLT) 

As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.

17 Warning Signs of a Bad Boyfriend

Although this list was submitted as a warning to women, many or most of these same things could be warnings to men as well. Just substitute ‘her’ and ‘she’ where appropriate.

A married woman who said her husband now wanted a divorce passed along these tips to Dear Abby for the not-yet-married. If you see these red flags, she advises you to dump the guy:

1. If your parents or siblings have doubts about him, pay attention. Listen and check it out.

2. If your intended has nothing good to say about his ex, beware. This is a pattern. Divorce is rarely only one person's fault.

3. If his children have nothing to do with him, do not believe him if he says his ex brainwashed them against him. My stepchildren have told me it was because they hated him, and they have good reasons.

4. Look closely at his credit and job history. They are sure predictors of what your life will be like.

5. If he's over 30 and has no money, don't marry him until he's financially solvent. If he has any respect for you (and himself), he'll insist on it.

6. Be sure in your heart that you can live with him AS IS. You cannot change another person.

7. This is a biggie: Beware if he has no friends. It is not true that they all chose to side with his ex.

8. If your friends dislike him, pay attention. This is also true if he hates your friends.

9. If he has more than one DUI and still drinks, run!

10. If he is one personality at work or with others and another person alone with you, run.

11. If he has nothing to do with his parents, investigate why. Don't take his word for it.

12. If he's an expert at everything and brags a lot, understand that he will turn off a lot of people, eventually maybe even you.

13. If he has problems with sexual desire, get professional help before you marry him. Believe me, his problem will become your problem.

14. If he is emotionally or verbally abusive, it will only get worse. Yelling, name-calling and glowering are classic signs of an abuser.

15. If he is never wrong and never apologizes, everything will be "your fault" forever. And after years of hearing it, you may even start to accept the blame.

16. If he does something wrong and says, "That wouldn't have happened if you hadn't (fill in the blank)," that's another sign of an abuser.

17. And if he's mean to children, pets, or animals, recognize that he's pathological, and the next victim could be you.

My Love Affair with Books

Frequently I hear people bragging that they haven’t read a book since they left school. I understand that sentiment. They read way too many books that didn’t add one iota to their “real” life. It was all pain and no gain. But for me, books are a source of lifelong learning and pleasure that other media doesn’t seem to satisfy. I love books. I have hundreds of them. I will probably have hundreds more before Jesus calls me home.

When it comes to the issue of relationships, there is a lot of value in reading.

Now, I know that there are other sources of learning besides books – I’m not hard core. But I still think we are more likely to refer back to something tangible if we own it. I lose files on my computer when I change computers, or I misfile it, or forget that I had it in the first place. Kindle works pretty good – and I know that’s where things are headed. But I guess that I still like the way a book feels, and smells and tastes. And book dust jackets draw you in. OK – I was a lot younger when I chewed on books. 

There are many spiritual books that have been life giving to me over the years – I’m not going to list them here. And little has given me as great a pleasure as a good fiction book to help me detach from life when it becomes stressful. I'm starting a new one by my good friend D. J. Williams entitled "The Disillusioned". Look for it in May 2013. (shameless plug)

Here are some great relationship books.

• Love and Respect – Dr. Emerson Eggerrichs

•  Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, (or) The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work – Dr. John Gottman

•  Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts – Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

•  The Meaning of Marriage – Dr. Tim Keller 

• Getting Your Sex Life Off To A Great Start – Dr. Cliff & Joyce Penner 

• 5 Days To A New Marriage – Drs. Terry Hargrave & Shawn Stoever 

• The Five Love Languages – Dr. Gary Chapman 

• Boundaries In Marriage, (or) Boundaries In Dating, (or) Hiding From Love –  Drs. Cloud & Townsend 

I am guessing that if you are a reader, you can add many more books to this list. As a matter of fact I welcome any suggestions that have impacted your marriage, dating or relationships. Use the comment box below to share your favorites.

Kicked Into the Friend Zone

Back in my late teens I was hired to accompany a singer on piano for private auditions. She was beautiful, talented and roughly my age. I was magnetized. And it seemed to me that she felt the same way. She paid lots of attention to me and we stole time from our rehearsal schedule to talk about other things. I did everything I could to accommodate her schedule and desires and spend more time with her. But as time went on she started talking about us as “a team”. She remarked how “nice” I was. Uh, oh.

I found myself kicked into the friend zone.

Perhaps you have experienced the same thing and wondered why it happened. You thought things were going well with him or her and then all of a sudden you became the observer of a romantic relationship rather than a participant when someone new entered the picture.

What do we do that gets us sidelined?

The relationship that never was.  

Sometimes the relationship starts out and remains one-sided. We misjudge it from the beginning. We are romantically interested, but the feelings are not mutual. We may be mismatched, “out of our league” and in denial. Couples that go the distance are usually pretty well matched physically, socio-economically, intellectually and spiritually. Have a realistic assessment of yourself. Face it - you were always in the friend zone. 

What if you pass that first round? What are things that can get you kicked into the friend zone?

• Too nice or too sweet. I’m sorry to say but overly nice or sweet screams “good friend”. There is no intrigue, no mystery, no edginess and as a result no interest in the romance department. I am not advocating disagreeable or abrasive, just balanced.

•  Too available or accommodating. Like the above, this one comes across as desperate. When you make the other person’s feelings and desires more important than yours you may be perceived as needy. A sure romance buster.      

•  Asexual. Do you try to hide or downplay your attractiveness? Do you come off like someone’s kid brother or sister? How you dress and present yourself is important. Look in the mirror. Do you look like you could be someone’s object of desire? I’m not talking trashy or inappropriate – just prepped to attract. Sexuality should be subtle, but if it’s totally missing, so will a romantic relationship.

•  Don’t take on the roles of his or her same sex friends. The conversations that same sex friends have and the topics discussed are different from the ones that occur between dating couples. The activities are usually different, too. Don’t shoot hoops with him and his friends in place of a date. Don’t go shopping for clothes and beauty products with her. If you do you might just find yourself helping her pick out an outfit for a date – with someone else. 

• Indiscriminate physical touch. There is a difference in the kind of affection that is shared between friends and the kind that is reserved for romantic relationships. Think “high-fives” and pats on the back versus a gentle touch on the arm or cheek. Use physical touch with intentionality. It is a powerful tool.

Although I have heard this complaint more often from guys, it is by no means one-sided. Women can just as easily be relabeled as a friend. If this happens to you, don’t waste your emotional energy on trying to make something happen. Grieve the loss and move on. Make any needed strategic changes and then make yourself available to new possibilities.

5 Mistakes Women Make When Dating

Guest Post by Melissa Mills 

I’m a recovering serial monogamist, which basically means that I’ve been in several relationships in my life, beginning at 15. As part of this, I’ve dated a variety of guys and have learned quite a bit about what to do and what to avoid. That said, the most interesting part of my dating journey has been moving from never thinking that I would want to date a Christian (mostly out of fear, if I’m honest) to wanting to date someone who not only goes to church but who loves Jesus with both his words and his actions.

Having navigated the dating world before and after deciding to follow Jesus, I think that dating as a Christian can be more confusing than dating outside of the church. That’s why I have a passion for talking about relationships, dating, and helping women navigate the process.

When Dave asked me to write a blog about common mistakes that I think women make, I was excited to share my thoughts. This is by no means a complete list, but just some of my thoughts as I’ve been both a participant in and an observer of the Christian dating scene.

5 Mistakes Women Make When Attempting To Date:

1)   Avoiding Dating Out Of Fear.

I’ve talked to many a woman who “just isn’t looking for a guy right now.” Let’s be honest, if we’re single and in our mid to late 20s or 30s, we’re almost always looking. We just say that we aren’t because we’re afraid of rejection and disappointment. I know because I did it. And then my roommate told me to stop pretending that I wanted to be single for the rest of my life and told me to take an active role in my own dating life. She told me I needed to try online dating again. I did and, a month later, I met my boyfriend. Don’t let fear be a factor. Get to the bottom of why you’re afraid to date, get rid of that outdated stigma that online dating is taboo, and join a site.

2)   Writing Him Off Too Soon OR Assuming He’s “The One” Before The First Date.

First of all, where in the Bible does it talk about the concept of “The One”?  Second, you don’t have to know if you’re going to marry a guy in order to go to coffee with him and if you do already know, the rest of us want access to your crystal ball. That kind of knowledge only comes with time. On the flip side, you never know what you’re going to learn about yourself, your preferences, or a guy unless you go out on a date with him. It may even take 2, 4 or many dates before you know if there’s a possibility of something more than friendship. Give it a chance if you’re being too closed and if you have the opposite problem, get grounded quick. Otherwise you may end up in Disappointmentville, population: you.

2)   Dating Outside Of Community

You know that girl. The one who disappears when she starts dating? I could have been the president of that club. The problem with dating in a bubble is that you may not be yourself in your relationship, but you’re so emotionally involved in the relationship that you can’t see it for what it is. I have this friend who was in a relationship and every time she was around this guy, her voice got several octaves higher. She had no idea. I tried to tell her that she wasn’t herself around him but until she let me and other friends into her bubble, she couldn’t see it. Ultimately, they broke up. Lesson is: date in community. Bring a few trusted Christians into your process and they will help you with wise counsel as you make decisions about your future.

4) Moving Too Quickly Across Emotional, Physical, and Spiritual Boundaries.

I don’t really need to tell you why this is a bad idea, right? Get accountability with a friend who can help give you an objective perspective about your relationship. Moving too fast means disaster all around. Don’t learn this one the hard way. 

5)  Neglecting Your Character Formation While Dating

I recently read that the majority of Christian marriages break up because of “irreconcilable differences” which could also mean selfishness. Many of us don’t want to submit to another when we’ve gotten so used to the independent life. Take time during your dating process to seek God at every turn. Bring Him into it.

Nothing brings up character issues like trying to communicate and understand another person. Because we’re human, messy, and flawed, our issues will come to the surface. Take this chance to work on any unhealthy patterns. Seek counseling. Pray about it. Journal your thoughts and feelings. You’ll thank yourself later. Promise. :)

These are just five things that I’ve noticed in my own life, although I’m sure you have more. What are other mistakes you’ve observed or experienced with regard to women and dating?

*A lot more of these tips are found in Dr. Henry Cloud’s book “How To Get A Date Worth Keeping. “ It’s basically become a dating manifesto for many of my now dating friends. Give it a read. 

Melissa's Blog: Where My Heart Wants To Go

Having A Yes Face

This morning I walked around the lobby area of our church before the doors for the service were opened. I like to do that and see who might be alone or look new or lost and try to connect with them as a way of extending a welcome. If you have been new to something like a church or event you know the feeling.

What makes it more likely that you will be noticed and welcomed if you are in this situation? I like to call it having a “yes face” – a concept I once heard from a pastor. I believe it was Chuck Swindoll.

What is a “yes face”?

It is a face that is worn by people who seem to be unable to suppress a smile. These people appear to be thinking lovely thoughts, seeing wonderful things, and smelling delightful aromas. 

When you observe these people they exhibit certain characteristics.

·         Approachable – you get the sense that if you approach them you will not be interrupting or annoying them. They will make time for you. They make eye contact and display an easy posture.

·         Emotionally Available – you expect that they will not look past you, but will try to connect with you and get to know you. You do not perceive an aura of defensiveness around them.

·         Others Focused – they seem to be interested in what is going on around them and who is present.

What does a “no face” look like?

• Pinched – brows furrowed, worried, angry or anxious. There may be a frown or an “almost frown” ready to break out at any moment. They may look like they perpetually smell 3-day-old fish.

• Self-absorbed – they seem to be in their own world and there is no room for anyone else and therefore ….

•  Unapproachable – Their demeanor signals “Leave me alone.”

Sadly, I have too often seen a “no face” on divorcees and others who have gone through painful experiences. It is not their faults, but it works against them. Often they are not even aware that this is what they are projecting to the world. But they are more likely to feel isolated and not know why. 

I believe that both faces are an external reflection of what is going on internally. When we cultivate joy and peace and forgiveness and optimism it will leak out of us naturally. But when we nurse bitterness and fear and negativity, that is likely to leak out of us as well.

Take a look in the mirror. What do you imagine people see? Is there a ready smile on your lips and eyes that sparkle? Or do you look upset, scared or apathetic?

For those who wish to be included, and especially for those singles that are looking to connect with the opposite sex this is something that needs to be mastered. The best way we can do this is by being present and aware when we are around people – and to care for our heart when we aren’t. Feed yourself the goodness of God and let it drip from you at all times.

Job 29:24   When I smiled at them, they scarcely believed it; the light of my face was precious to them.

Truth In Dating

Way back in the 1970’s our band played for many singles events at a string of apartment complexes that only allowed single people as residents. Over the years that we played for theses dances I got a perspective that may be helpful with today’s largest single events – online dating sites.

It was clear to me that many of the residents were confused about the purpose of living at a singles only facility. 

There were a great many (mostly guys) who believed that staying single was the purpose of living in the complex. Their goal was to have fun while moving from person to person in uncommitted relationships.

Then there was the other group (mostly women) who saw a large group of persons of the opposite sex who were available for relationships, and had the primary goal of finding a marriage partner.

What I saw was a lot of over-drinking and over-thinking going on – and many disappointed and disillusioned young adults making bad choices. Obviously the atmosphere was perfect for a lot of promiscuous behavior.

It occurs to me that the same conditions exist for online dating if the goals are not communicated or if they are not clear and truthful. There are (married or other) predators among both men and women, and a Christian or other religious dating site is no guarantee of honesty. However I do think that one probably stands a much better chance on a dating site that is supportive of your belief system and strives to operate with integrity. Many of the right questions are asked on these dating sites and being honest and thoughtful as you answer them will hopefully yield good results

If it seems I am being negative or critical about Internet dating, I am not. A large percentage of couples who come to us for premarried counseling have met online and have done very well in finding a good mate. It is a wonderful way to increase the size of the pool from which you can seek a partner.

How are you at communicating your dating intentions? Are you afraid of scaring away potential dates if you are truly honest? Are you too eager to connect? Are you willing to sacrifice your integrity and values to get and keep a relationship? Are you willing to settle for less than you should, or are you one of those who hold unreasonable relationship expectations?

Sometimes it is hard to know the answers to the above questions without outside help.

If you have had many disappointing relationships or bad dating experiences, it is possible that your “chooser” is broken. Being in a close community with wise and supportive friends or mentors who will be honest with you is invaluable to get a perspective. 

Good Goodbyes In Dating

There are times when relationships just don’t work out. There is too much damage or too much pain. Or no matter how hard you try, you seem to keep missing each other. You are just too different. All relationships are not meant to succeed. When you are dating, this is sad. When you are engaged it can be devastating.

The decision to separate usually comes after a lot of frustration and maybe a lot of blaming and defending, or even worse behavior. Tempers may be high, and feelings of self-worth may be low. You may feel emotionally depleted, with nothing left to give.

Does it have to end badly? Fortunately, the answer is “NO”

We can have a good good-bye.

Nan and I have been witness to several break-ups, and although it is never easy, it can be constructive and redemptive.  

What does a good goodbye look like?

When the decision has been made and the dust settles, usually a kind of sad peacefulness rests on the relationship. The conflict is over and it is time for the healing to begin. We encourage couples to take turns affirming each other and asking for forgiveness for the ways they have hurt or disappointing each other. It is time to remember all the good parts of the relationship, to express the things that they will miss. The relationship started out hopeful and positive. There was attraction and excitement. These are the words that need to be spoken before parting.

Next the couple goes before God, confessing any wrongdoing or sins connected with the relationship and asking for His forgiveness. The couple finishes by praying for each other and releasing them.

Usually there are many tears of sadness and regret, and some of relief. But there are not the feelings of guilt associated with a bad break-up.    

Taking Relational Risks In Dating

One of the frequent complaints I hear from our young women around our church goes something like this:

“Why won’t the guys step forward and ask us girls out on a date. We have some really great ladies around here.”

From the guys I hear something like this:

“With a lot of the girls in our community, I feel like I’m being measured for a suit I’m not sure I want to wear. I’m afraid it will be too tight. I think I would rather date someone from outside our church.”

Something’s wrong here.

The truth is, we have quality single men and women in abundance at our church. But only some of them are connecting. Our pre-married/pre-engaged class catches those that have stepped out. But what about the others?  What is holding them back?

I think part of the problem is that some of our single folks are hesitant to take relational risks.

As a guy, I might find that some girls have a pretty extensive list of expectations. Their ‘Must Have/Can’t Stand’ lists have been well-honed. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be afraid of them. They might also be the ones that will go the distance in a marriage. Hopefully they are looking for good character. If that’s you, they might be right for you. Of course guys can have these lists, too, and the same advice applies.

What risks might a single girl need to take?

Break out of the pack of women you tend to travel with. It’s easier to approach a girl that is not always in the middle of a group of women. I know you feel safer with them around, but you will have better success if you make room for the more shy guys. And dress to be noticed, with taste, of course. Guys are visual by nature – make sure they don’t overlook you.    

This next part is for both men and women. Would you consider yourself “high maintenance”? Are you highly opinionated and verbal? You may attract the opposite sex, but they will not usually want to continue with you. If you get this reputation, you may be avoided.  

One of the advantages of being an older male is that I tend to see beauty in women that younger men may not see. Guys, take a sharper look around and look for girls that you may have missed at first glance. Their appeal and attractiveness is revealed as the relationship grows. Take a risk and ask them out.  

And ladies, don’t pass by the guys that are more introverted or shy. You may need to encourage them a bit by making it really clear that you are interested. Body language goes a long way here. Your eyes are powerful, and so is a calculated touch on the arm.

I am aware that it is awkward to have to exist in community with an “ex”, post break-up, and that is why some don’t want to date within the church. But it is also painful to have to move from a community that you love to follow someone from another church. There is a risk either way.

How about making a New Year’s resolution about this issue – and follow through.

Any thoughts?