My Marriage, Your Marriage

Years ago I was archiving old counseling files and as I did I scanned through the reasons that clients gave for seeking counseling. Most were pretty routine: improve communication or conflict resolution, deal with an affair, etc. But one really struck me.

My wife is unhappy with her marriage, but I am happy with mine.

I think I read it a few times as I considered the response. Can people really see their marriages as separate entities? His marriage? Her marriage? We see marriage as a “oneness” or “us” relationship. I did not dig into the files deeply (confidentiality), but it did get me thinking about his viewpoint and what might be the reason for the relational disconnect.

• Spiritual Disunity If two people are not on the same spiritual wavelength it is entirely possible to view the marriage differently. One person could feel very discontented with the lack of intimacy they experience when the spiritual connection is absent. They may be living with an entirely different values framework. We know, because we have lived it.  In Christian parlance we call this being unequally yoked. 

• Lack of Emotional Connection When a couple does not have good emotional connection, it is hard to feel empathy for the other person. This can leave a spouse feeling very alone in a marriage. One of the partners may not be aware (or care) while the other is deeply wounded by the emotional distance. 

• One Spouse is a Taker In some relationships there is a husband or wife who always seems to get their way. The relationship becomes very one-sided as he or she comes out on top in every conflict or decision. This person has a high satisfaction in the marriage because things always fall into place for them. However, the other half of the marriage (who may be codependent) is left feeling like they have very little power and always has to give, and never receive in order to keep the marriage stable. 

• Change or Growth Nan just commented that one other common reason is when one person has gone through a significant change in their life. It could be normal, like pregnancy or menopause, or not so positive, like an illness, a job loss, or a stressful job change. Emotional or spiritual growth also can cause a significant separation in a marriage. When one spouse enters counseling alone, or deals effectively with an addiction it affects the other spouse. They may have just lost their drinking buddy or lost some other aspect of the relationship that was comfortable or predictable. They will often “cry foul” and complain that this isn’t the person they married; they liked it the way it was. However, if the couple enters counseling together this adjustment is usually easier on both of them and may avert potential marital drift. 

Whatever the reason may be, in order to thrive, a marriage must have unity. When one person is distressed, the marriage is distressed. There is no win/lose in relationships – either we both win, or we both lose.

Men, Music and Feelings

In couples counseling Nan will often say:

“Guys have feelings, too. Let’s give him a turn” (to bring up something for discussion.)

And to tell the truth, a lot of guys have trouble connecting with their feelings. Or more accurately, they may have a harder time interpreting and expressing their feelings. I think one of the reasons is that we, as men, have been given mixed messages about our feelings. On the one hand we might have been told to suppress our feelings as in:

“Big boys don’t cry.” “Suck it up.” “Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.”

And to be honest, sometimes that is wisdom. But we also hear about being “sensitive” and “getting in touch” with our feelings. This, of course, comes mostly from our women. And this is necessary for true intimacy with a mate.

The problem is if we are too expressive with our feelings we risk losing respect from our mate. If we are too restrained we risk losing connection and intimacy. It’s a fine balance we guys are supposed to maintain.

So do guys actually have feelings?

Have you ever seen a guy shredding on an air guitar? Have you ever seen a guy dominating on air drums? That’s some real feelings being expressed!

For those guys feeling challenged in this area, I suggest one way could be by adding a big dose of music to your diet – all kinds of music. Music has the ability to pull various emotions out of us: joy, anger, sadness, longing, loneliness, hopefulness, love, despair, silliness, nostalgia, adoration. It takes sampling a lot of different styles of music to expand our feelings repertoire – not just songs from the pop culture.

What we tend to do is listen to music that reflects our mood, rather than changes our mood. This also is helpful in getting in touch with our feelings. If I don’t know what I’m feeling, the music I listen to might give me a clue. Do I tend to listen to sweet classical music or joyful rock music, angry rap or cynical country? Do I use music to boost my mood, or to cope with life and/or escape from reality for a while? All of this is helpful to connect us with our inner world.

So, do guys have feelings too? Yes, but usually not as in your face as women do. Ladies, try this: put on some music and observe its effect on your guy. Does it change him in any way? Do you like what you see?

I love what worship music in particular does for me. I know that is why music was created in the first place – to connect us to God, to express our gratitude. But it also connects me to myself, to my feelings.  

I would like to make a shameless plug for a couple of my friends’ musical projects. Shameless because they are so excellent. Check out their web pages. Let their music enrich your life.

Jonas Aras & Jim Lownes

Jen Oikawa 

These are just a couple of recent projects I've selected from a multitude of talented artist friends.  

5 Mistakes Women Make When Dating

Guest Post by Melissa Mills 

I’m a recovering serial monogamist, which basically means that I’ve been in several relationships in my life, beginning at 15. As part of this, I’ve dated a variety of guys and have learned quite a bit about what to do and what to avoid. That said, the most interesting part of my dating journey has been moving from never thinking that I would want to date a Christian (mostly out of fear, if I’m honest) to wanting to date someone who not only goes to church but who loves Jesus with both his words and his actions.

Having navigated the dating world before and after deciding to follow Jesus, I think that dating as a Christian can be more confusing than dating outside of the church. That’s why I have a passion for talking about relationships, dating, and helping women navigate the process.

When Dave asked me to write a blog about common mistakes that I think women make, I was excited to share my thoughts. This is by no means a complete list, but just some of my thoughts as I’ve been both a participant in and an observer of the Christian dating scene.

5 Mistakes Women Make When Attempting To Date:

1)   Avoiding Dating Out Of Fear.

I’ve talked to many a woman who “just isn’t looking for a guy right now.” Let’s be honest, if we’re single and in our mid to late 20s or 30s, we’re almost always looking. We just say that we aren’t because we’re afraid of rejection and disappointment. I know because I did it. And then my roommate told me to stop pretending that I wanted to be single for the rest of my life and told me to take an active role in my own dating life. She told me I needed to try online dating again. I did and, a month later, I met my boyfriend. Don’t let fear be a factor. Get to the bottom of why you’re afraid to date, get rid of that outdated stigma that online dating is taboo, and join a site.

2)   Writing Him Off Too Soon OR Assuming He’s “The One” Before The First Date.

First of all, where in the Bible does it talk about the concept of “The One”?  Second, you don’t have to know if you’re going to marry a guy in order to go to coffee with him and if you do already know, the rest of us want access to your crystal ball. That kind of knowledge only comes with time. On the flip side, you never know what you’re going to learn about yourself, your preferences, or a guy unless you go out on a date with him. It may even take 2, 4 or many dates before you know if there’s a possibility of something more than friendship. Give it a chance if you’re being too closed and if you have the opposite problem, get grounded quick. Otherwise you may end up in Disappointmentville, population: you.

2)   Dating Outside Of Community

You know that girl. The one who disappears when she starts dating? I could have been the president of that club. The problem with dating in a bubble is that you may not be yourself in your relationship, but you’re so emotionally involved in the relationship that you can’t see it for what it is. I have this friend who was in a relationship and every time she was around this guy, her voice got several octaves higher. She had no idea. I tried to tell her that she wasn’t herself around him but until she let me and other friends into her bubble, she couldn’t see it. Ultimately, they broke up. Lesson is: date in community. Bring a few trusted Christians into your process and they will help you with wise counsel as you make decisions about your future.

4) Moving Too Quickly Across Emotional, Physical, and Spiritual Boundaries.

I don’t really need to tell you why this is a bad idea, right? Get accountability with a friend who can help give you an objective perspective about your relationship. Moving too fast means disaster all around. Don’t learn this one the hard way. 

5)  Neglecting Your Character Formation While Dating

I recently read that the majority of Christian marriages break up because of “irreconcilable differences” which could also mean selfishness. Many of us don’t want to submit to another when we’ve gotten so used to the independent life. Take time during your dating process to seek God at every turn. Bring Him into it.

Nothing brings up character issues like trying to communicate and understand another person. Because we’re human, messy, and flawed, our issues will come to the surface. Take this chance to work on any unhealthy patterns. Seek counseling. Pray about it. Journal your thoughts and feelings. You’ll thank yourself later. Promise. :)

These are just five things that I’ve noticed in my own life, although I’m sure you have more. What are other mistakes you’ve observed or experienced with regard to women and dating?

*A lot more of these tips are found in Dr. Henry Cloud’s book “How To Get A Date Worth Keeping. “ It’s basically become a dating manifesto for many of my now dating friends. Give it a read. 

Melissa's Blog: Where My Heart Wants To Go

Will They Ever Leave For Good?

I read an article that said a recent poll determined that 85% of college students end up living at home after graduation (Time Magazine – May 2011). Add to that the number of non college-attending young adults  that are still at home or had to return because of financial reasons, and that’s a lot of kids not able to live independent of their families. Some even return home with spouses and children.

The reasons given are usually financial. They have a degree but are unable to find a job, especially in the area they are credentialed for. Or they simply have too much school and other debts to make it on the salaries that they earn. Most, but not all, are unhappy to be home again. And I suspect that most parents agree as well.

Regardless of the cause, I think establishing new boundaries are essential to harmony and growth.

The young adult leaves as an entitled child in a family home, but returns as a guest in their parents’ house. This transition may not be physical (as when the young adult never leaves) but perhaps age related. You have graduated high school or college or turned a particular age and now must begin to function more like an adult than before.

To me this means contributing more to the running of the household and when possible, contributing financially as well.  Statistics show that an average of about 80% of household income goes to covering non-discretionary bills and the last 20% is available for discretionary spending. That might be a good measure of how much to contribute. (One’s car, fuel, and insurance etc. would be part of the 80%).

It also means parents and “guests” treating each other as adults – showing respect to each other as well as keeping lines of communication open. Parents have feelings too and old parent-child conflicts must end. The days of entitlement thinking are in the past. Parents have a right to ask for no smoking, drinking, loud entertainment, etc. in their house if that’s what they want. It should not be a matter of debate or conflict.

Displaying a good attitude and observing courtesies towards each other promotes harmony. That means greeting each other and showing gratitude and trying to be a good guest or tolerant host. Having peace at home is a high value for most adults. So is having private undisturbed time.

The “guest” must also put a high priority on moving forward with their life. Settling in and becoming too comfortable is a liability for both parent and child. If unemployed, seeking work vigorously and unceasingly should be job one -- and when feasible, moving out should be the goal. Yes, it’s scary for all parties involved, but it is necessary for growth.

Many parents are too comfortable having their kids at home past their expiration dates. Children can become emotional buffers between spouses, preventing them from dealing with issues within the marriage. It is unhealthy for both the parents and the emerging young adults.

Of course prevention is always the best medicine. Good and wise planning can often improve your chances of success. Have a reasonably clear idea of your life direction before you begin applying to colleges. Research the job market for the field that you are considering training for. Have you prayed and asked God if He is calling you to something specifically? Carefully consider incurring any kind of debt – school or otherwise. There is no good debt – only some with payback potential.

Maybe then if you choose college you can be part of the 15% of graduates that keep moving forward uninterrupted.  

Emotional Triangles

Anxiety may be the most common byproduct of living in this fast-paced and complicated culture. I am sure that every generation has had to deal with its particular set of stressors back to the dawn of man. But what might set apart our more current generations is the intangible quality of many of the fears and threats that we have to face. There just seems to be more and more things that we cannot control or affect. And the result is increased anxiety.

So what does this have to do with triangles?

In relationships, a dyad (two people or two factions) is considered to be unstable. As long as a dyad is free of anxiety, it will function well. But introduce some stress into the relationship and it will become unstable.

One way we try to bring stability to the relationship is to form an emotional triangle. We look around to find a third party to absorb some of the anxiety the dyad is feeling. Parents do this with kids. They over invest emotional energy into an acting out child, which takes the focus off their own troubled relationship. The child can then be blamed for the stress in the marriage.

We can also reduce our anxiety by bringing in a third party as an advocate to our position. If I can convince a friend or family member that my spouse is the problem in our relationship, then I feel some relief. The problem is that it creates more distance between me and my spouse. And as an added bonus, when I eventually make up with my spouse I may have to deal with a damaged relationship I created between my spouse and the third party.

We not only can form emotional triangles, we can also be drawn into them. Other people will often try to bring us in as the third side of a triangle. It happens in families, it happens at our workplace and it happens in churches. It can occur through gossip (“Did you hear what so and so said about Judy? Can you believe that?”)

Every time we form an emotional triangle we will compound the problem.

The only solution is to be very vigilant to recognize when a triangle is about to be formed and resist it. It is important for problems to be dealt with directly between two parties.

Am I saying that it is always wrong to bring in a third party to a problem?

No, of course not. Sometimes it is the only solution. But the third party must be as unbiased as possible. The Bible has already outlined this process.    

Matt 18: 15-16 “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses.

Too Close

Although many of us may come from emotionally disconnected families, some of us come from inappropriately connected ones. This might be the result of a “too close” bond with one of our parents. In her book “Emotional Incest”, Dr. Pat Love provides this checklist to help us determine if we are a “chosen child”.

1. I felt closer to one parent than the other.
2. I was a source of emotional support for one of my parents
3. I was “best friends” with a parent.
4. A parent shared confidences with me.
5. A parent was deeply involved in my activities or in developing my talents.
6. A parent took a lot of pride in my abilities or achievements.
7. I was given special privileges or gifts by one of my parents.
8. One of my parents told me in confidence that I was the favorite, most talented, or most lovable child.
9. A parent thought I was better company than his or her spouse.
10. I sometimes felt guilty when I spent time away from one of my parents.
11. I got the impression a parent did not want me to marry or move far away from home.
12. When I was young I idolized one of my parents.
13. Any potential boyfriend or girlfriend of mine was never “good enough” for one of my parents.
14. A parent seemed overly aware of my sexuality.
15. A parent made inappropriate sexual remarks or violated my privacy.

If several to many of these statements apply to you, you may have (or had) an enmeshed relationship with one of your parents. Most often these overly close bonds are with the parent of the opposite sex.

The results can be manifold.

• You may feel deep reluctance when trying to get a healthy distance from, or set appropriate boundaries with that parent. 

• You may feel a vague sense of violation, but feel guilty because of your belief that they were just showing love to you. And that may be true, but the difference is in the intensity of the connection and the motivation on the part of the parent.

• Was the parent trying to meet your needs or was the parent trying to get their emotional needs met through you? Big difference. Often this comes from an absent or difficult relationship between your parents.

If you are a parent, and find yourself getting caught up in a too close relationship with one of your children you will need to back off. The solution is to work on your marriage or to find an adult same-sex friend to share your emotional needs with.  

If you, as a married person, are having difficulty “leaving and cleaving” (appropriately forming a new family system) because of one of your parents, you may need to seek some counseling to get help setting healthy guilt-free boundaries. The same applies to single people who do not really feel free to pursue a relationship because of a needy parent.