Avoiding A Relational Trap

All week I have been advising counseling clients not to fix, analyze or advise (thank-you Jim Cosby). Of course I have been analyzing and advising in hopes of fixing broken places in people’s lives. But then I figure that’s what many come to counseling for. Some, of course, come for emotional support during times of grief or hardship, but many more are looking for solutions.

I must say that my advice (to not F, A or A) is really hard to do for several reasons. But I will be avoiding a potential relational crash and burn if I do.

• It feels so powerless and passive. The key word here is “feels”. But actually a good listener is doing something important. They are connecting emotionally with another person. Active listening is not easy. Just try to do it very accurately and you may re-evaluate its difficulty.

• I get invited to do just that (FAA). Here is where it can get tough. What if your advice is solicited? Sometimes you may be offered an open door to speak into a person’s life or struggles. If the offer comes without strings attached and is genuine, you may want to carefully respond to the request. But sometimes it is an attempt to draw you into their drama with the hopes that you will rescue them and assume their responsibility. This is not helpful because it reinforces their sense of inadequacy and immaturity. Too often I will find myself entangled in an emotional triangle, because these kinds of problems often involve a third party. (See Emotional Triangles) <----- click link. 

• I am a male and it is just my nature. Yes, it is true that men are designed to be problem solvers first and foremost. And that is also why we get into so much trouble relationally. We put our need to fix ahead of what’s best for the other person. But as Christ followers, male or female, we are to make sacrificial decisions for the greater good.

When I attempt to fix, analyze or advise I risk relational disharmony. I may be met with anger or distance when it is unwanted. I may feel rejected and resented by the other person. Also, I may feel resentful when they misunderstand my intention or reject my advice. Even when I am asked to comment, I may at some point cross an invisible boundary that I did not know existed and encounter some resistance. Then "I" might feel even more frustrated and resentful.

So what should we do? In most cases we should go back to the tried and true pattern of:

• Reflecting – you can paraphrase what has been spoken to you so that the speaker knows that they were heard accurately.

• Empathizing – you can express your (positive) feelings for them without having to remove the source of their pain.

• Reassuring – you can offer up any honest reassurances about the situation without attempting to f, a or a. 

OK -- now go practice! And let me know how it works.

Will They Ever Leave For Good?

I read an article that said a recent poll determined that 85% of college students end up living at home after graduation (Time Magazine – May 2011). Add to that the number of non college-attending young adults  that are still at home or had to return because of financial reasons, and that’s a lot of kids not able to live independent of their families. Some even return home with spouses and children.

The reasons given are usually financial. They have a degree but are unable to find a job, especially in the area they are credentialed for. Or they simply have too much school and other debts to make it on the salaries that they earn. Most, but not all, are unhappy to be home again. And I suspect that most parents agree as well.

Regardless of the cause, I think establishing new boundaries are essential to harmony and growth.

The young adult leaves as an entitled child in a family home, but returns as a guest in their parents’ house. This transition may not be physical (as when the young adult never leaves) but perhaps age related. You have graduated high school or college or turned a particular age and now must begin to function more like an adult than before.

To me this means contributing more to the running of the household and when possible, contributing financially as well.  Statistics show that an average of about 80% of household income goes to covering non-discretionary bills and the last 20% is available for discretionary spending. That might be a good measure of how much to contribute. (One’s car, fuel, and insurance etc. would be part of the 80%).

It also means parents and “guests” treating each other as adults – showing respect to each other as well as keeping lines of communication open. Parents have feelings too and old parent-child conflicts must end. The days of entitlement thinking are in the past. Parents have a right to ask for no smoking, drinking, loud entertainment, etc. in their house if that’s what they want. It should not be a matter of debate or conflict.

Displaying a good attitude and observing courtesies towards each other promotes harmony. That means greeting each other and showing gratitude and trying to be a good guest or tolerant host. Having peace at home is a high value for most adults. So is having private undisturbed time.

The “guest” must also put a high priority on moving forward with their life. Settling in and becoming too comfortable is a liability for both parent and child. If unemployed, seeking work vigorously and unceasingly should be job one -- and when feasible, moving out should be the goal. Yes, it’s scary for all parties involved, but it is necessary for growth.

Many parents are too comfortable having their kids at home past their expiration dates. Children can become emotional buffers between spouses, preventing them from dealing with issues within the marriage. It is unhealthy for both the parents and the emerging young adults.

Of course prevention is always the best medicine. Good and wise planning can often improve your chances of success. Have a reasonably clear idea of your life direction before you begin applying to colleges. Research the job market for the field that you are considering training for. Have you prayed and asked God if He is calling you to something specifically? Carefully consider incurring any kind of debt – school or otherwise. There is no good debt – only some with payback potential.

Maybe then if you choose college you can be part of the 15% of graduates that keep moving forward uninterrupted.  

Emotional Detachment vs. Relational Cutoff

I was reading through a list of acronyms Alcoholics Anonymous uses to remember concepts and was most struck by one in particular.

DETACH – Don’t Even Think About Changing Him/Her.

Sometimes during counseling, a client will ask for clarification on what “loving detachment” looks like (a solution CODA suggests). Explanation is needed because it is often inaccurately interpreted as “emotional cutoff”. Emotional cutoff is an extreme measure not to be used except in the most toxic of circumstances.

Loving detachment can be most easily described as the emotional distance required to keep from being negatively triggered by another person. When I have found that degree of separation, I can remain nonreactive to their behavior and as a result not build up resentments towards them. I am protecting both of us – me, from their maladaptive actions or manipulations, and them from my angry or inappropriate responses. When I find that “right distance” I can love them despite their harmful behaviors.

Emotional cutoff, as opposed to distancing, is a total shutout of connection with the person. Dr. John Gottman calls this “stonewalling” – not allowing anything said by a person to have any effect on me whatsoever. (All your words are thrown against a stone wall – an impenetrable barrier.)

I could describe loving detachment as an effective filter, letting through only the useful content to maintain a healthy relationship, whereas emotional cutoff filters out all incoming information of a feeling nature.

Jesus called for us to love our enemies, not to hate them. (Matthew 5:44) When we are locked in an emotional struggle with a person, even someone we care for deeply, they can feel like an enemy. It makes it very hard for us to love them. But we are still required to do so.    

I know that I am at the right distance when I no longer feel the need to try to control them. At that distance I can accept them (not their behavior) and I give up my false belief that I have the power to change them. At that place, I have freedom in a new way. I am no longer slave to the relationship, and I will not sit down to breakfast with a bowl of resentment and regret.

So when that urge comes to try to change someone, you are too close. DETACH!

Control and Chaos

In the mid to late 1960’s was the television comedy show “Get Smart” (yes, I was a teenager). The plot was basically spy vs. spy – with the organization named “CONTROL” being the good guys and “KAOS” being the evil opponents. I think it is a great metaphor for what many people might believe – that control is good and chaos is bad.

Why would I think that control is good? Simple – it appears to eliminate risk and makes me feel safe, whereas chaos could be defined as the lack of control and the author of insecurity. But is this polarization really true in a relationship?

Chaos in a relationship might actually be the result of an attempt by one person to maintain control over another.

If I fear abandonment I will pursue you with intensity any time you seem to be withdrawing from me. Even if the distancing is reasonable and healthy, I may feel threatened and react by trying to control you. When you feel my control you will likely react by trying to create more distance.  I will pursue harder, and you will run faster and the relationship will be in chaos.

So is the controller at fault? Not necessarily.

On the opposite end there are those that live an undisciplined life creating difficulties and pain for all who associate with them. Their need for freedom and lack of restraint makes them unpredictable and unreliable.    

People at both ends of the spectrum are unsafe people.

So what is the goal? Balance!

In other words, structure with flexibility. It is a mature standing within a relationship that will produce a connected, but not enmeshed one.  I will feel both safe, and free to have a separate identity. 

So how do we achieve this? We have to manage our fears.

When I feel like controlling another person, I must self-soothe my anxiety and ask kindly for what I need. When I feel like running, I must stay connected and ask kindly for what I need. Both must seek compromise, a middle ground. It will likely be difficult at first. But don’t give up!

Too Close

Although many of us may come from emotionally disconnected families, some of us come from inappropriately connected ones. This might be the result of a “too close” bond with one of our parents. In her book “Emotional Incest”, Dr. Pat Love provides this checklist to help us determine if we are a “chosen child”.

1. I felt closer to one parent than the other.
2. I was a source of emotional support for one of my parents
3. I was “best friends” with a parent.
4. A parent shared confidences with me.
5. A parent was deeply involved in my activities or in developing my talents.
6. A parent took a lot of pride in my abilities or achievements.
7. I was given special privileges or gifts by one of my parents.
8. One of my parents told me in confidence that I was the favorite, most talented, or most lovable child.
9. A parent thought I was better company than his or her spouse.
10. I sometimes felt guilty when I spent time away from one of my parents.
11. I got the impression a parent did not want me to marry or move far away from home.
12. When I was young I idolized one of my parents.
13. Any potential boyfriend or girlfriend of mine was never “good enough” for one of my parents.
14. A parent seemed overly aware of my sexuality.
15. A parent made inappropriate sexual remarks or violated my privacy.

If several to many of these statements apply to you, you may have (or had) an enmeshed relationship with one of your parents. Most often these overly close bonds are with the parent of the opposite sex.

The results can be manifold.

• You may feel deep reluctance when trying to get a healthy distance from, or set appropriate boundaries with that parent. 

• You may feel a vague sense of violation, but feel guilty because of your belief that they were just showing love to you. And that may be true, but the difference is in the intensity of the connection and the motivation on the part of the parent.

• Was the parent trying to meet your needs or was the parent trying to get their emotional needs met through you? Big difference. Often this comes from an absent or difficult relationship between your parents.

If you are a parent, and find yourself getting caught up in a too close relationship with one of your children you will need to back off. The solution is to work on your marriage or to find an adult same-sex friend to share your emotional needs with.  

If you, as a married person, are having difficulty “leaving and cleaving” (appropriately forming a new family system) because of one of your parents, you may need to seek some counseling to get help setting healthy guilt-free boundaries. The same applies to single people who do not really feel free to pursue a relationship because of a needy parent.

People Pleasers

The nicest clients I work with are from the group we call “people pleasers”. They often seek counseling readily, and are very faithful at attending and doing the “homework” that is assigned (after all, they also want to please me, the counselor).

But lasting change for people pleasers is often more difficult. There are many voices in their lives calling out to them to satisfy relational demands – and it becomes hard deciding which voice to heed, especially when there are competing requests.

People pleasers are “feelers” and making balanced decisions becomes a challenge. “Do I lean in the direction of my head or my heart”? Feelers usually lean towards the heart. “Do I honor myself or honor others?” People pleasers usually sacrifice themselves first.

Unfortunately people pleasers make good victims. They often believe the best in others, and as a result others may take advantage of their good nature and willingness to serve. In the extreme they can end up abused employees, wives, husbands and volunteers.

How would you rate yourself as a people pleaser? Ask these questions.

• “Can I say ‘no’ when I need to?”

• “Do I feel guilty holding boundaries even when I know I am right?”

• “Am I afraid that people won’t like me if I don’t agree with them?”

• “Do I do things for other people that I know they can and need to do for themselves?”

• “Do I think of myself as a ‘rescuer’ and like to take on people as projects?”

There are many more similar questions you could ask yourself, but you get the gist.

We, as believers, are called to serve one another, but people pleasers often find themselves the only one serving (one-way relationships) or resistant to allowing other people to serve them.

If you are a people pleaser, you will have to learn to go against your feelings and endure the anxiety that will surely follow. It can be a slow process and you may need help. But the result is that you will not ‘burn out’ early and will develop true friendships that are based on mutual care. Those are the relationships that are both deeply satisfying and lasting.

     

Fear Driven Relationships

Fear is a very powerful motivator. It can prompt us to react like almost nothing else can. It can be a life saver or a life killer. When real danger exists, it gives us the adrenaline boost necessary to get out of harms way. But when the danger is only perceived, it can cause us to do things that might actually put us in riskier situations.

Depending on the situation and our temperament, our response to fear will be to fight, run or freeze.

This is particularly true in relationships:

• My fear of being alone keeps me in a bad relationship.

• My fear of not being able to support myself keeps me in an abusive relationship

• My fear of being rejected causes me to not speak up when necessary.

• My fear of being ignored causes me to start conflicts to get noticed. 

• My fear of being controlled keeps me from being emotionally close to my spouse and experiencing mutual love.

Why do I say the danger is only perceived in the above examples? In all the scenarios, the fear is probably untested. It is entirely possible I might find another relationship, job, get a good result from speaking up or asking for what I need, or be loved without feeling trapped by it.

This last scenario is particularly evident in many relationships. My fear of being emotionally abandoned may cause me to try to exert control over my partner, who then reacts by moving farther away from me in an attempt to maintain some kind of autonomy. This of course only amplifies my fear, causing me to try to exert more control by pursuing with more intensity.

My fear of being controlled or engulfed may cause me to interpret legitimate needs or requests from my partner as an attempt to control or manage me and I resist, leaving my partner feeling alone and not cared for. Their repeated attempts to get the need met will only reinforce my belief that I must be very vigilant to maintain distance.

The solution? I must take a good look backwards, particularly toward my family of origin, and assess whether I am acting out insecurities from my past. If I can identify where these fears came from, I will have a better shot at managing them rationally.

2 Timothy 1:7 -- For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.