10 Lame Excuses for Divorce

When we face a life or death crisis, all of a sudden pride and superficialities fall away. We become totally emptied out and desperate for God to fill the uncertainty with hope.

I wish it were the same with the imminent possibility of the death of a marriage.

Sadly, instead, the leaving spouse often becomes more prideful and clings to superficialities that support their case for dissolving the marriage. Although not always the case, it is not uncommon for the other, often clueless spouse to become humbled by the pronouncement that the marriage may be over. The positive side of this, if there is one, is that it focuses attention on the marriage problems and may be the only thing that moves a resistant spouse to seek outside help.

Here are the top ten lame excuses people use to justify a divorce. (Thanks to Dr. David Clarke – David Clarke Seminars)

• “I don’t love you anymore.” (Obviously you don’t understand love. You still think it’s a feeling.)

• “I never loved you.” (Really? It was an arranged marriage?)

• “I felt pressured to get married.” (Somebody actually held a gun to your head, huh?)

• “I need to find myself.” (Let us help you – you’re married, perhaps with kids.”)

• “It’s not you, it’s me.” (Now we’re getting to the truth.)

• “I’m having a midlife crisis.” (I guess you think that gives you permission to engage in all kinds of sinful behavior.”), 

• “God wants me to be happy.” (Sorry, not Biblical. He wants you to be holy.)

• “It’s better for the kids.” (No, it’s not. Kids always do better in an intact family, even if it's conflictual.)

• “My needs aren’t being met.” (You haven’t insisted that your needs be met by learning how to effectively confront your spouse.)

• “I’ve fallen in love with my soul mate.” (No, it’s your sin mate. You have compromised your character and integrity.”)

Can you add to my list? I’ll bet some of the counselors out there can.

Your First Time at Bat

Having been in the counseling room for quite a while now, I sometimes forget how awkward the first encounter with a new therapist must feel to a client. I really do my best to put them at ease, but it’s still usually an adjustment.

I think what often makes the first meeting particularly uncomfortable is when the client is carrying a lot of shame and doesn’t want to talk about it directly. That is really understandable. They may be testing the water for safety. “Can I trust this counselor person? Will he understand me? Will she judge me? Is it really going to help?”

Forming a trust bond is the first important step of good counseling. The clinical term for this bond is the “therapeutic alliance”.  Without a strong therapeutic alliance, no real transparency is likely to occur. And without transparency, any healing will be superficial. 

It’s hard to talk honestly about our failures, frustrations, fears, insecurities, and especially our outright deliberate sins. Most people have spent a lot of their life pursuing “image management.” I know I have. As a matter of fact I probably spent the first several of my own personal counseling sessions trying to look better than I was. It wasn’t until I felt genuine care from my counselor and knew that I was safe, that I could become more vulnerable. But image management can also be a form of denial or deliberate deceit that needs to be broken – especially important with couples counseling.    

I have noticed that for some, it is easier to write about the hard stuff. That is why we use a pretty comprehensive history and intake form. Their outward appearance may not match the pain that is revealed in their intake form or their personal journals. I encourage clients to bring their written thoughts into session when this is the case for them. There is a lot of power released or surrendered in reading one’s private thoughts in front of another person.

As a counselor, I am grateful for the trust that is placed in me and do not take it for granted. For some people it is the first time that they have shared deep wounds, long buried and frightening in intensity. Although often painful to hear, it is an honor to be able to take the journey with a client for the first time. I am proud of them and the courage that it takes to be truthful in sharing the unlovely or horrific.

As we get closer to a new year, I pray for all the people that will step forward and make that first call next year. For some it will be dealing with hurts from the past. For others it will be admitting powerlessness over an addiction or behavior. And for many it will be marital or other relationship issues, both positive (pre-married counseling) or troublesome. 

Regardless, I am hoping that our clients current and future will see Christ as the true healer, and not us. We are simply facilitators – imperfect co-workers in the business of wholeness. 

Avoiding A Relational Trap

All week I have been advising counseling clients not to fix, analyze or advise (thank-you Jim Cosby). Of course I have been analyzing and advising in hopes of fixing broken places in people’s lives. But then I figure that’s what many come to counseling for. Some, of course, come for emotional support during times of grief or hardship, but many more are looking for solutions.

I must say that my advice (to not F, A or A) is really hard to do for several reasons. But I will be avoiding a potential relational crash and burn if I do.

• It feels so powerless and passive. The key word here is “feels”. But actually a good listener is doing something important. They are connecting emotionally with another person. Active listening is not easy. Just try to do it very accurately and you may re-evaluate its difficulty.

• I get invited to do just that (FAA). Here is where it can get tough. What if your advice is solicited? Sometimes you may be offered an open door to speak into a person’s life or struggles. If the offer comes without strings attached and is genuine, you may want to carefully respond to the request. But sometimes it is an attempt to draw you into their drama with the hopes that you will rescue them and assume their responsibility. This is not helpful because it reinforces their sense of inadequacy and immaturity. Too often I will find myself entangled in an emotional triangle, because these kinds of problems often involve a third party. (See Emotional Triangles) <----- click link. 

• I am a male and it is just my nature. Yes, it is true that men are designed to be problem solvers first and foremost. And that is also why we get into so much trouble relationally. We put our need to fix ahead of what’s best for the other person. But as Christ followers, male or female, we are to make sacrificial decisions for the greater good.

When I attempt to fix, analyze or advise I risk relational disharmony. I may be met with anger or distance when it is unwanted. I may feel rejected and resented by the other person. Also, I may feel resentful when they misunderstand my intention or reject my advice. Even when I am asked to comment, I may at some point cross an invisible boundary that I did not know existed and encounter some resistance. Then "I" might feel even more frustrated and resentful.

So what should we do? In most cases we should go back to the tried and true pattern of:

• Reflecting – you can paraphrase what has been spoken to you so that the speaker knows that they were heard accurately.

• Empathizing – you can express your (positive) feelings for them without having to remove the source of their pain.

• Reassuring – you can offer up any honest reassurances about the situation without attempting to f, a or a. 

OK -- now go practice! And let me know how it works.

The Hard Way is the Right Way

Every couple of years Nan & I attend an international Christian counseling conference in Nashville. One of the hard tasks is picking out the tracks (classes) that we will attend. There are so many that are enticing. Do we go to tracks that our friends are teaching, or do we go to the really popular ones, or do we choose tracks that will challenge our thinking?

John Townsend is presenting one that besides being popular also sounds intriguing. The title is: The Hard Way is the Right Way: Helping People Face What Must be Faced, and Succeed.

I am anticipating what he might tell us, and I know it’s not what most people want to hear.

I think of the many times I want to follow my feelings and bail out on a hard decision. Then I remind myself that not making a decision is a decision in itself. Ouch! If you are like me, you don’t like conflict. But I know that the path to resolving problems often takes us through the anxiety-producing valley of conflict.

I think of people I know who are facing a lot of financial turmoil. No choice seems to be a good one. There will be loss involved in any decision that they make. Having to choose a painful process is really hard. But it is the right thing to do if getting back to stability is their goal.

What hard choices do you have to face?

• Letting go of a bad relationship?

• Staying in a difficult marriage because you made a commitment before God and others?

• Making decisions about an aging parent?

• Doing an intervention on an addicted family member?

• Letting a child face the consequences of their bad choices? 

• Turning down a lucrative but immoral business decision? 

• Accepting reality when a fantasy is satisfying?

• Standing up for your faith when you know you will be rejected or ridiculed?

I’ll bet all of you could add to this list. I know I could. Really what we are talking about here is following your values rather when they are in conflict with your feelings. And perhaps that means really struggling to clarify and establish your values. Ultimately we will follow what we actually believe. If I don’t believe God is able to see me through a painful place, I will likely fold.

Just something to think about.  

Trusting

I am getting tired of unpleasant surprises in my life. We all get them, those telephone calls that inform us that something went wrong at work, someone is melting down emotionally, a loved one is admitted to the hospital, etc. Some days you don’t want to answer the phone or check your electronic devices.

I have to constantly remind myself that the way I deal with these life issues is a good measure of my level of emotional and spiritual maturity. And I must admit that some days I have the maturity level of a pre-school child. I want to cover myself with a blanket and pretend that the rest of the world doesn’t exist. Then I remember that I’m getting senior citizen discounts at the local hardware store and I own a business, and I am on staff at my church.

Does dealing with these issues get easier the older we get?  Perhaps yes, and perhaps no.

We do build up some confidence as we face stuff and have a successful outcome – or least learn that we can handle the pain. Part of our success is realizing that we do not have to do all of it alone. God is with us and so are others if we build relationships and let them get close to us.

Where it doesn’t get easier is where the loss is unique or carries more significance. It isn’t easier to lose a parent just because you have already lost one. It may be harder. And it may be harder to lose a job at 50 years old than it was at 25. It also may be more difficult when a chronic problem that you thought was finally solved reappears.

And for me what is worst is when multiple situations pile up one on top of another, like having two family members in the hospital at the same time (been there, done that) or your finances are in trouble and the car breaks down. And then you catch the flu.  

What I find most helpful is learning to quiet my anxious inner voice. I do this by allowing myself a few minutes to pray and collect my strength. In a crises situation this might be taking place while I am in motion, driving somewhere to meet the situation. Sometimes the only time I can do this is after the fact while in “decompression mode”.

If you are like me you prefer pleasure over pain and easy over difficult (other than an interesting challenge once in a while). But life isn’t always like that and perhaps my first step toward maturity is accepting reality (breaking denial). Sometimes I have to tell myself:  “Yes, David, you really do have to deal with this.”

It is my confidence in God, more than my confidence in myself that gives me the most strength. It is not my nature to trust, but when I finally realize my powerlessness, it is in trusting that I find my only hope. 

Healing A Hurt

Forgiveness is a word that conjures up a lot of different emotions for most people – particularly depending whether you are on the giving side or the receiving side of the equation. We are told that God requires us to forgive one another, but are there conditions that must be present?

We say that holding on to un-forgiveness or resentments is like swallowing poison but expecting the other person to die. Perhaps in His mercy, God does not want us to suffer the pain of this condition -- and that is why He requires forgiveness. When the forgiveness needed is for oneself, it is particularly meaningful.

Does forgiveness require reconciliation? 

The answer is emphatically NO! Reconciliation is a choice and certain conditions need to be met in order to be reconciled.

First of all we need a sincere apology – we need to know that the person is truly sorry and does not intend to hurt us in this way again. Then there is making amends. Is the offending person willing to make things right in any way possible? Can we be confident that the person will make both the attitude and behavioral changes necessary? If so then reconciliation might be possible.

Lastly, an authentic apology is not an account or an appeasement.

• An account is just admitting what we did – anyone will do that especially if we have been “caught”.

• Appeasement is reciting what we know the other person wants to hear in an effort to stop them from being mad at us or taking punitive steps.

• An apology is heartfelt (they understand the depth of wound they inflicted), and as stated above carries with it the intention of change.

The good news is that real healing can take place when sincere apologies are met with an attitude of forgiveness. So where do you stand? Is there an action step that you need to take?

Crisis or Chronic?

It is very typical for someone to come to counseling when in a crisis situation. That is the time when a person has the most ‘felt need’ to seek some relief from pain or fear or loss.
But the other condition under which people will seek help is when stuck in a chronic situation.

A crisis is defined as: a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life. It usually has the condition of being immediate and time limited.

On the other hand a chronic condition is defined as: continuing a long time or recurring frequently.

Both of these situations have the potential to cause great pain in a person’s life. And both of them have an additional risk of generating feelings of hopelessness.

When a crisis is not handled well it could turn into a chronic situation. This might occur if we do not face a situation head on, and allow it to get worse over time. That is why it is important to grieve losses, and to refrain from burying feelings, except as a temporary protection until we have enough strength to process the loss.

We can even have both conditions present at the same time, when a chronic condition erupts into periodic crises. For example, I can be chronically late, but when I miss an essential airline flight it might become a crisis.

• Not all crises turn into losses, but all crises generate anxiety and fear and can cause secondary problems. In a relationship a secondary problem might be having to deal with the hurt feelings I caused because I got angry and impatient in my anxiety. In my personal life I might deal with a particular crisis by throwing money at it, only to have to face the resulting financial stress when the bills become due.

• Of the two situations, a chronic situation is usually much more difficult to deal with. Behavior patterns may have become deeply embedded  Anger may have had plenty of time to develop into hardened resentment. Hopelessness may have raised its ugly head, obscuring our belief in the promises and comfort of God. And above all it might require a great deal more time and effort to break free of its grip.

We sometimes have the ability to hold off or prepare for a crisis – but more often we have the opportunity to avoid chronic problems by dealing with them as they come and before they become large.

Just something to think about.