Being Right or Being in a Relationship?

J was the mother of two good children and the wife of a decent guy. From the outside everything looked like a happy family. But behind closed doors it was anything but. J’s overpowering need for everything to be right (according to her standards) was driving everyone away. And the worst thing about it was that she couldn't see it. Her interpretation was that she was saddled with a lazy and ungrateful family. But the truth was that her overly high standards and the rigid way in which she kept them were crushing her family.

And so she went around feeling bitter and disappointed and often isolated and alone, because her family tried to steer clear of her and her minefield of unrealistic expectations.

At work she got accolades from her boss for her high level of performance, but her co-workers felt that she was not a safe person, that anger was just below the surface, and so they did not engage with her like with other fellow employees. She just thought they were jealous and beneath her. But still, she was alone.

Diagnostically, we could come up with a whole list of possible pathologies¸ but the Bible would probably label J as hard-hearted or un-yielded or stiff-necked. And that would be true. Her own personal emotional and spiritual journey needed to include recovery from this un-loving attitude towards others.  

But as much as I feel for J’s family and co-workers, I also feel deep compassion for J. Her life is not easy. As hard as she may drive others, she feels intense pressure to drive herself even more. She is constantly seeking validation that she is worthy, but never feeling completely at peace about it.     

What do you do if you are J’s family?

You speak the truth in love – a lot of love, not backing away in anger or frustration. J’s husband, who has, but often does not feel power in the relationship, must especially hold loving boundaries.

What if you are J?

There is probably a complex spiritual and emotional battle going on inside of you. It is a jumble of issues related to your family of origin, temperament, and experiences of loss. The results are a foundation of fear and anxiety with its attendant coping mechanisms, one of which is not to acknowledge the fear and anxiety, but to externalize the problem.

This is where understanding God’s unconditional acceptance of you is crucial. When you feel His acceptance, you will begin to accept yourself and others. Grace, rather than critical judgment will flow from you, which will attract others to you like moths to a flame.

This is a journey you cannot attempt alone. It requires spending time in a healing community as well as spending time in solitude with God.  It means surrendering your belief that you have a right to share your opinion or be heard above all others. And that will feel like sacrificing and suffering – because it is.    

You can be right, or you can be in relationship. But you can rarely have both. 

Help! I'm Out Of Money

According to 2023 data, the poverty line in California for 2 people is $3325/mo, or slightly under $40,000/yr. Also, according to the 2024 Retirement Confidence Survey from the Employee Benefit Research Institute, nearly 30% of people have virtually nothing saved for retirement, and 33% have less than $50,000 in total savings and investments.  

It is always sad to sit with couples in counseling who have come to retirement age with nothing but Social Security income, and often with debt as well. It puts them at or below the poverty level with little hope for a better financial future. Plus, when one of the spouses passes on, one of the Social Security checks disappears. It might necessitate getting back into the working world when jobs are hard to acquire.

Social Security benefits were never designed to be a substitute for a retirement plan – just a short term supplement when life expectancy was much shorter than it is today. 

Because money can be such a huge area of conflict in a marriage I thought it would be wise to emphasize the importance of taking a serious stance on putting away money for the future no matter what age you might be or what your marital status is at the moment.

What I found to work is:

• Create a very conservative spending plan and stick to it. (I use Quicken to help automate the process.)

•  Treat all raises as money that can either reduce debt or increase savings. 

• Maximize all contributions to employer and government sponsored retirement plans to the best of your ability (401K, 403B, IRA, etc). 

• Take a Dave Ramsey or Crown Financial course. 

• Have automatic withdrawals set-up when possible. It often feels painful to write out a check to a retirement account you might not use for 30-40 years. Think about how it would feel if you had to write separate checks for Federal, State, Social Security, Medicare and SDI taxes every paycheck. (Actually, that might be a good thing.) 

• Use financial counselors when needed. 

• Question and resist new technology – it can be very expensive to keep up with all the newly available offerings. New tech becomes old tech very rapidly.

• Talk to your spouse regularly about money and spending and make sure you are on the same page so that one of you doesn’t sabotage your plan. 

• Dump the entitlement mentality. Never use the phrase “I deserve”. The Bible tells us what we deserve – that’s why we need a Savior. 

What is the goal here? It’s so that you can be a help, rather than a hindrance to others. 

I Can’t Breathe - Constrictive Relationships

Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding, gasping for air, like something heavy is pressing on your chest? It’s a really unpleasant experience. I have had several of those in recent memory, but I’m not going to go into dream analysis here. I just want you to connect with the feeling.

Sometimes relationships can feel a bit like my dream.

One of the more pleasant tasks of counseling is helping couples decide whether they should move forward towards engagement and marriage. We use assessments and other materials to evaluate the relationship, but often the feedback we give a couple is based on our intuition or perception.

With many couples the exchanges between them are easy and lighthearted. They listen well and respond appropriately. You can feel the love and respect. They act as cheerleaders for each other. These are the couples where it is easy for us to recommend going ahead with marriage.

But for some couples the atmosphere feels more like my nightmares – constricted and difficult. In marriage it usually only intensifies. What I mostly find at the root of the problem is a lack of trust resulting in attempts to control everything possible in the relationship. They may put pressure on their  partner to account for their whereabouts at all times. They may require their partner to think like them, and never disagree. Conversations can feel more like interrogations, and their partner walks on eggshells around them or around certain subjects. In short, they want to run away.

If you are the constrictor why might you lack trust?

·         Earlier abandonment – you have experienced emotional or physical withdrawal from people who should have remained steady and supportive for you. As a result you feel unsafe.

·         Your partner really isn’t trustworthy – they have proved time and again that their promises can’t be relied upon. Or perhaps they have been unfaithful and you have not fully dealt with the issue.

·        Anxiety and fear – often the byproduct of abandonment is insecurity and a heightened anxiety in relationships. Even when there are no indicators that you should mistrust your partner, fear drives you to try to control them. This usually results in your partner trying to pull away to get some breathing room.

·        Disorders – when you suffer from a more extreme form of anxiety (such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), or a personality disorder such as Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder you may have a particularly tough time restraining your need to control. These are issues that must be dealt with professionally.

·         You have not been trustworthy and are projecting your feelings onto your partner. You have not confessed and repented of the sin in your life and been forgiven. Perhaps you haven’t forgiven yourself, either.

The solution is to work on your issues before you destroy a relationship that you care about. Optimally this should be done before entering into marriage. But some things crop up during marriage and the quicker you recognize and deal with them the sooner you will experience health and happiness.

  

Fear or Pride?

There are times when I am sitting in front of a couple, locked in a power struggle, emotionally stuck, and obviously in pain. And I try to understand what is holding them back – fear or pride. In this context I would define fear as not wanting to make a mistake, and pride as not wanting to surrender and do the right thing. Sometimes I think I am confronted with one of each – pride in one person, vs. fear in the other.

Fear and pride holds us back from taking a reasonable risk, even when it might accomplish the relational goals that God would ask of us. 

Consider these inner dialogs that you might have had.

“What if I ‘turn the other cheek’ and he does the same thing again?”

 “What if I offer an apology and she rejects it and won’t forgive?”

 “What if I admit my part of a conflict and it is used against me?”

It is obvious that pride is a sin against God. What about fear? We are told to fear (God –

be in awe of Him), and we are told not to fear (to be courageous). I guess you could say the context of fear has everything to do with how you answer that question. It would seem that God would want us to take some bold stands, and not to do so would be considered sinful.

I would offer that both pride and fear are understandable. They both share the risk of losing something – a part of self. It is very hard to move in the direction of loss – it is counterintuitive. But sometimes solutions can only be found when we move against our feelings.

What Nan and I recommend to break a relational stalemate is for each person to make a small step towards the other person – called a repair attempt. When we encounter a repair attempt from another person we must acknowledge and accept it as genuine – and not criticize it or minimize it (too little, too late). It is difficult to do when we are emotionally on high alert, but if we can remember to keep the big picture in mind it makes self-soothing and calming ourselves easier.

I believe our personality and temperament may determine which side of the line a person is likely to fall on. Probably anxious people will drift toward the fearful side and stubborn people towards the prideful region. Either area is dangerous in a relationship, because it prevents God from doing a healing or even miraculous work in our lives.

I know that Nan and I have experienced both pride and fear when dealing with each other. Over the years we have probably traded positions depending on the season or the situation. It still shows up time to time. What makes “now” different from “then” is the amount of time we are willing to invest in a power struggle. Age can have its advantages. 

You Know What To Do

I’ve been pondering a maxim that I read in a fiction novel this week (yes, I read fiction, too). The wise teacher was instructing his students on a life principle.

“You know what to do. You just don’t want to do it.”

I think this describes a lot of people that come in for counseling. Perhaps they are hoping that there is an alternative to facing the hard stuff. Or they need someone with an authoritative voice to help them face the truth. Or they are hoping that the counselor will confront their partner instead of having to do it themselves.  

Yes, it is true that sometimes people need help breaking denial. They may have a big old blind spot that needs to be exposed. This is especially true for people with a more serious disorder. But for many this is not the case. It is simply that the needed change is painful, complicated, or difficult.

I see two main areas that are pretty common.

Moral

• I need to stop drinking.
• I need to let go of an affair or other sexual behavior outside of marriage.
• I have to deal with my anger
• I have a problem with lying.
• I have a spending or other addiction.

Practical

• I need to move out of my parent’s house
• I need to let go of a relationship that is destructive.
• I need to find a job or look for another job.
• I need to move forward with a marriage commitment
• I need to get my finances in order, but it means having to reduce my lifestyle

Both of those lists could get much longer. And let me say, it takes courage to do those things. Being coached through them often makes the process easier, or at least more doable. That is one reason why we love the AA method of using sponsors. Sponsors are able to strengthen and encourage us when we are weak. They are a gift.

I remember times in my life where I have had to face both moral and practical issues. They really are not fun. Deciding to allocate money to a retirement account meant reducing my available spending money. Admitting I was a people pleaser and needed to set appropriate boundaries was, and still is painful for me. Even before I entered counseling I knew many of the things that needed changing – but I needed help doing them.  My pride, my fear, and my family issues got in the way.

God tells us that He is available to be a 24/7 resource. His word stands as a promise to us. We can always reach out to Him when we are weak.

Psalm 46:1 

God is our refuge and our strength:

An ever present help in times of trouble.

Finding Real Work in a Tough Economy

It is still a very difficult economy in which to find meaningful work, especially if you are recently out of college, or you’re struggling to find something in your field of choice.  I have five thoughts based on my experience, and the advice of experts, that I hope might be helpful.

At 21, fresh out of UCLA and about to get married, I scrambled to get a job.  Working at minimum wage at Pine Crest Preschool was not my idea of what I wanted to do after college, but a B.A. in History and Social Science doesn’t get you much!

• So, my first advice is ‘take anything that is remotely related to what you think you want to do.’  

And, if you can’t find a job doing that, take whatever you can get.

The reason I say this, is because I got a job I really enjoyed later on from a friend who I had worked with at that first minimum wage preschool.  Her recommendation to her new boss landed me a position I would not have known about if it weren’t for her and my willingness to take what I could get.

• So, the second thing is to connect in a meaningful way with your colleagues, and with those who have jobs in the field you would choose.  Referrals for work are the number one way people get better jobs!

• Eighty percent of available jobs are never advertised, and over half of all employees get their jobs through networking, according to BH Careers International.

• The third thought is that you must carry out an active, as opposed to a passive, job search. It is not enough to respond to leads from want ads or employment agencies. Carrying out an active search allows you to control the job search process and opens up many more job opportunities. It is estimated that only 10% of jobs are actually found from online searches.

• Have a great attitude. Dress appropriately for any job interviews. Remember to smile.

• The fourth thing is to conduct Informational interviews. Meet with someone from the firm to get more detailed information about the company itself and possibly a job lead.  This shows initiative and helps you to know if a place is where you would like to work.

• The fifth suggestion if you are a person of faith, is to pray and ask God’s help in your search. Ask Him to inspire you about what you desire to do and with whom you should talk to find out more.

Several years ago I felt a restless feeling that there was something more I wanted to do. I had just prayed about it, and then I talked to a friend at church who mentioned she had too much work to do as an adjunct professor at Fuller Seminary.  I mentioned my interest in doing more, and within a day I was called and hired to teach part time.  I believe God put it on my heart to be open to new work, and on my friend’s heart to work less. So, God answered both of our prayers! 

One more thought: Can you be an INTROVERT and have a successful JOB SEARCH? Click on the link to the left and find out!

I pray that God will bless you as you seek him for direction in your life and your work!

Jeremiah 29:11-13  "I know the plans that I have for you. This message is from the Lord. I have good plans for you. I don’t plan to hurt you. I plan to give you hope and a good future."

Breaking Through A Quarter Life Crisis

“I can’t do anything with this history degree except teach, and I am tired of teaching.”

So said Nan at about age 25. This prompted her to change direction and pursue an M.A. in educational psychology and eventually marriage and family counseling. (My journey was all over the map and didn’t include the typical education track.) 

There are quite a few variations on the definition of a “quarter life crisis”. But all of them seem to agree that it affects many 25-35 year-olds after they have finished school. It is a time of confusion, wanting to get on with life but unable to get started. They probably have ended up back at their parent’s house, can’t find a job and may regret the choice of college degree that they have attained. The result is anxiety and depression and feeling stuck.

How do you break through this ‘crisis’?

The universal answer seems to be a familiar one. It’s time to break denial and face reality. You are overeducated yet unprepared for many of the jobs that are available. Or you have been trained in a field that has few opportunities and little or no commercial value. This is a harsh reality. You also may have been fed the lie that if you pursue your passion, the money will follow. Tell that to most music majors. They will probably have a different story.

What is helpful?

• Grieve the loss of the life that you imagined would result from your university degree. It’s simply more difficult these days to transition from college to a ready and waiting job in the field that you have chosen. You will probably have to cast a much wider net. You may even have to choose a completely different field and train for that. 

• Don’t look backwards, it will only encourage depression. Life at college was simple, if not easy. You knew what was expected, and as a result you could proceed with relative confidence. Not so much now. Looking forward may cause you to feel anxious, but it’s the only direction you have to go. Embrace it. 

• Surround yourself with optimistic people. Ask yourself what is possible and realistic. Try stuff. If you spend time regretting the guidance you didn’t get or the bad advice you did get it will only make it worse. Get some direction from people in the real world who can help you now. 

• Don’t compare yourself to your parents or other friends who are ahead of you in the game. Your parents likely had it very different when they started out. They may have had less education, but were more employable – and the job market was less stringent. Your friends may have chosen a more practical degree, such as math/computer/science/healthcare. 

• Ask yourself what would make you valuable to a prospective employer. What would make you stand out from the other applicants? If you really don’t know, talk to employers that you or your parents know. They can be found everywhere. Their expectations and perspectives may be vastly different from yours.    

• Don’t give up! Know that you will break free at some point if you just keep trying. 35 years old is the upper limit because most people will be established in something by then. 

I’m encouraging Nan to post on skills for getting a job. Maybe you have some suggestions. How about posting in the comment box and share your thoughts.

Help! Stress!

I came across a good article on stress the other day – it went into a lot of the biological and physiological changes that take place in us, as well as the emotional. For me, the most helpful part of the article was when it talked about the psychological damage that is caused by stress.

Studies have shown that stress is most damaging when it has one or more of these conditions:

Repetitive

Unpredictable

Beyond your control

Repetitive – Prolonged exposure to irritations and annoyances takes its toll on our coping abilities. Doing the same boring task over and over again dulls our mind. It becomes more difficult to concentrate and perform well. We worry that we may make mistakes or reach our limit of patience. “I can’t drive this crowded freeway one more day during rush hour.” “I can’t cook one more meal for this ungrateful family.”

Routine in relationships has the advantage of creating stability, but if the routine is inflexible it may become negative and stressful.

Unpredictable – Even more harmful is when there is no possible way of knowing when something bad is about to happen. If you live with an angry or alcoholic person, there most likely is an atmosphere of “walking on eggshells”. You know that things may fall apart at any moment and you will live in a heightened state of alert. Especially if you are a parent you will feel the stress of wondering when to step in and protect the kids from a spouse or even another sibling.

If your job situation is unstable and could end, or your stability is tied to the financial markets there will be a lot of pressure on you. If you live paycheck to paycheck and drive old cars and own old appliances you may always be waiting for something to break and wreak havoc.

Beyond your control – This is most likely the worst of the lot. Having control makes us feel safe and we will often go to great lengths to try to keep from the anxiety produced by uncertainty. Unfortunately that includes trying to control other people or uncontrollable situations. When we try to control others, they will likely rebel after a certain point and we will feel even more at a loss.

As a business owner I can’t make people buy from me. As a husband I can’t force my wife to agree with me. When taxes are raised and food and gas prices continue to escalate, I can mostly sit by and watch it happen.

What are the solutions?

Minimize your exposure to the really annoying people or tasks and alter your routines to break up the tedium of life if repetitiveness is your stressor. Try making more positive responses to people and take the negative thoughts captive.

For the last two, I would encourage you to take control of what you can control. For things that are unpredictable, rather than focusing on worst case scenarios and feeling stuck, work on having several contingency plans to address possible events. When situations are beyond your control, set boundaries and limits and ask for what you need in order to maintain as much positive control as you can. Focus on gratitude even when you don’t feel like it.

Then let the rest go. Be comforted that God is in control – always. He is never blindsided. 

Help! Leave Me Alone

Have you ever had to interact with a controlling person? I know I have, and unfortunately, sometimes it’s me.

Worse yet, have you ever been dominated by one? A boss at work? A spouse, sibling, or even your own child? If you have, you know how miserable life can be when under their influence.

Why might a person become a controller?

The need for safety. The world can be pretty unpredictable at times. For some people it feels tenuous all the time. Trust is not in their vocabulary. Shades of gray in life make them cringe with discomfort.  The only way to feel secure is to manage everything and everyone.

The need for significance. For these people being in charge equates with personal value. Being a follower feels like a negative. Humility is a weakness, not strength. They only feel good about themselves when they are in the spotlight. Often these people have low self-worth.

The need for power. The concept of sharing is distasteful to these people. They are masters of their kingdom and everybody needs to obey. They are “special” and know more than you. You may be right, but they are “more right”. You must submit to their authority and wisdom.

What will these people control?

Money is a big one. They are able to empower or severely limit you when they are in charge of the checkbook.

Time. They make the schedules and expect you to comply. And they get angry when you deviate, even though you never agreed to their schedule.

Activities and agenda. They make lists for everyone to follow. Chores, recreation, family interests, and work schedules are under their control. They will determine where to vacation and how active or leisurely it is.

Topics of conversation. With these people conversations always seems to end up about things that interest them – or about them. You may have no interest in gardening, but somehow when you are with them you find yourself talking about fertilizers and soil conditions.

There are so many more areas that we could name. But you get the point.

So what can we do if we are under the pressure of a controller?

We must speak the truth in love and set appropriate boundaries with them. They will not like it and they will resist. We must be kind, but firm, and continue to keep voicing what our boundaries are, and maintain them. We must manage our resentment towards them and remember that their desire for control comes from a broken place within them.

What if we are the controller?

If safety is our issue, we must develop a strong inner voice that is self-soothing. We must learn to calm our anxiety with truth. We must remind ourselves that God is in control and He is more powerful than we are.

If power or significance is what we struggle with, we must develop a deep empathy for others. We must mentally trade places with them and try to understand how they feel when confronted with our behavior. We must understand that our control issue will create distance and isolation and resentment from the people we care about.

Whether you are a controller or the controlled you may need to seek additional help in the form of recovery classes or personal counseling. 

Wishing, Willing, Deciding

One of the wonderful things about being a sentient human being is the ability to choose many aspects of our existence.

Although having to make decisions will create anxiety for us at times, most people would agree that having this power is a basic and desirable ingredient of freedom. People and nations will fight over this very issue.

I am more concerned here with the process of choosing that occurs within us; the self-empowerment to change our behaviors and our attitudes. When we do not fully realize and apprehend what is within our power, we may likely abandon our responsibility and blame others instead.

While doing some reading on the history of psychotherapy I came across a therapeutic process of choice advanced by Rollo May that I find helpful. The process is described in three aspects:

WISHING – WILLING – DECIDING

Wishing – The first step is to become in touch with our deeper feelings, desires and values. Until we are able to really know what flows from our heart we will not know what to wish for. Do I desire a change in one of my behaviors? How deeply do I want this?

The second step is to move from wishing, to being willing to make the needed or desired change. Even though at this point we might have serious doubts and fears to overcome, a yielding takes place within us. A shift has occurred within our thinking and we become ready to choose something different.

Lastly, we make a responsible decision. We may need a great deal of support to follow through with our decision, but we have eliminated the ambivalence of choosing – we are now focused on success. We move forward with intentionality and determination and expectation of a positive outcome.

I see this process as being very compatible with our Christian faith, especially when our wishes line up with biblical values.

So ask yourself. “Where am I stuck? Where would this process be helpful for me? Do I need assistance with this process?”

Perhaps you need to pray for God to reveal your blind spots so that you can get to step one. Then keep praying that God would give you the strength to follow through with the things that he reveals to you.              

The Bird & The Cat

      
  We had a bird (a cockatiel) for almost 20 years – until this last Christmas when it saw a chance for freedom and took it. A too-slowly closed door became the portal for a new life. Once out he flew with all his might, over the neighbor's house and away. Our search was fruitless for a while, but then I heard him chirping (screaming) in the distance. He had flown back toward home and was lodged at the top of a very tall tree. There was no way to get him down. I could tell that he was scared and helpless and regretful (if birds feel regret).

           You remember the cat from an earlier post? Well, we are doing good these days (she has us fully trained now). We do not know who owns the cat so we just call her R. Cat (our cat). Every day she seeks to enter the house now that a bond of trust has been established. To begin with she wouldn't set foot in the door and now she can't wait to get invited in. Some days R. Cat is even more interested in affection than food.

           So why the pet story? I was thinking that human relationships can be a lot like the bird and cat. One in a stable environment seeking to escape and another with a desire to find a place of nurture and acceptance.

           Every time I see a marriage about to break apart I think to myself “You (the runner) will most likely be regretful sometime in the future when you realize your loss.” The situation may not have been perfect (our bird would probably have liked a more varied diet), but it certainly had it's benefits.

           I also feel sad when people are too cautious to take risks toward establishing relationships that may satisfy what their hearts have been yearning for.

           I think fear may be at the core of each of these scenarios: fear of being trapped in a tough situation with no hope of healing, or fear of being hurt with no way to survive the pain. In each case there is probably inaccurate thinking. Our belief may be that the struggle is not worth it, or that the effort required is not worth the risk of failure. But we forget that we are not alone – that the battle is not solely ours. We have an Advocate who is with us in our trials, who will comfort us in our pain.

           For some the most difficult thing they can do is to remain steadfast in the middle of an emotional storm, when they are discouraged or bored or scared or feeling hopeless. For others taking action, making decisions and pushing through inertia feels like pulling out their own teeth. But in both cases it may be what God wants from you to accomplish His purposes through you.

           I can't say that the cat directly replaces the bird – but she does bring comfort. And there is something healing about the relationship, even redemptive. As a child my first encounter with a cat was not positive. This purring creature sidled up to me and then promptly bit me on the wrist, drawing blood. My trust for cats has been low ever since – until now. It may seem like a small risk – but it's a good start. 

           Which one do you feel more like; the cat or the bird? 

           What do you think God might be asking of you?  

Update: Since we first posted this we have found out the cat is a "he" and not a "she" and named "Nor". He belongs to a neighbor, but makes his home on our front porch at least half of the time. 

Have Your Feelings Caught Up With Your Reality?

No, I am not going to start out by discounting feelings. That would mean I would lose at least half of you from the start (both men and women, in case you thought this was a sexist remark). And I would be placing myself at odds with God. The Bible talks about how God also feels (joy, anger, love, etc.). What I am talking about is somewhat different.

Often I ask this question of a client: “Have your feelings caught up with your reality?”

In essence, are the feelings that you are currently experiencing left over from a different time period in your life? Do you need to bring these feelings ‘up to date’?

Trauma can have a profound effect on our ability to regulate feelings – especially fear. It becomes very natural for those of us who have experienced very negative situations to operate on ‘high alert’ even when the danger has passed. The trauma can come from either abandonment or abuse (not getting what you need, or getting what you did not need).

Often the result is what I call “scanning behavior”. I am either looking for threats in my environment, trying to determine if I am safe or I am looking for reassurance of my worth and lovability. Either of these behaviors may make me a relational risk. I could become either emotionally detached or emotionally needy.

The solution? Facing the wounds of the past and letting God and others be part of the healing. You might not even be aware of what those hurts are – or have minimized them to make them manageable. But they are still there waiting to be triggered, often at a most unfortunate moment.

If you feel stuck because of runaway (or seemingly non-existent) feelings – it’s time to get to work. Get involved with a caring community.

Fear Driven Relationships

Fear is a very powerful motivator. It can prompt us to react like almost nothing else can. It can be a life saver or a life killer. When real danger exists, it gives us the adrenaline boost necessary to get out of harms way. But when the danger is only perceived, it can cause us to do things that might actually put us in riskier situations.

Depending on the situation and our temperament, our response to fear will be to fight, run or freeze.

This is particularly true in relationships:

• My fear of being alone keeps me in a bad relationship.

• My fear of not being able to support myself keeps me in an abusive relationship

• My fear of being rejected causes me to not speak up when necessary.

• My fear of being ignored causes me to start conflicts to get noticed. 

• My fear of being controlled keeps me from being emotionally close to my spouse and experiencing mutual love.

Why do I say the danger is only perceived in the above examples? In all the scenarios, the fear is probably untested. It is entirely possible I might find another relationship, job, get a good result from speaking up or asking for what I need, or be loved without feeling trapped by it.

This last scenario is particularly evident in many relationships. My fear of being emotionally abandoned may cause me to try to exert control over my partner, who then reacts by moving farther away from me in an attempt to maintain some kind of autonomy. This of course only amplifies my fear, causing me to try to exert more control by pursuing with more intensity.

My fear of being controlled or engulfed may cause me to interpret legitimate needs or requests from my partner as an attempt to control or manage me and I resist, leaving my partner feeling alone and not cared for. Their repeated attempts to get the need met will only reinforce my belief that I must be very vigilant to maintain distance.

The solution? I must take a good look backwards, particularly toward my family of origin, and assess whether I am acting out insecurities from my past. If I can identify where these fears came from, I will have a better shot at managing them rationally.

2 Timothy 1:7 -- For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Crisis or Chronic?

It is very typical for someone to come to counseling when in a crisis situation. That is the time when a person has the most ‘felt need’ to seek some relief from pain or fear or loss.
But the other condition under which people will seek help is when stuck in a chronic situation.

A crisis is defined as: a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life. It usually has the condition of being immediate and time limited.

On the other hand a chronic condition is defined as: continuing a long time or recurring frequently.

Both of these situations have the potential to cause great pain in a person’s life. And both of them have an additional risk of generating feelings of hopelessness.

When a crisis is not handled well it could turn into a chronic situation. This might occur if we do not face a situation head on, and allow it to get worse over time. That is why it is important to grieve losses, and to refrain from burying feelings, except as a temporary protection until we have enough strength to process the loss.

We can even have both conditions present at the same time, when a chronic condition erupts into periodic crises. For example, I can be chronically late, but when I miss an essential airline flight it might become a crisis.

• Not all crises turn into losses, but all crises generate anxiety and fear and can cause secondary problems. In a relationship a secondary problem might be having to deal with the hurt feelings I caused because I got angry and impatient in my anxiety. In my personal life I might deal with a particular crisis by throwing money at it, only to have to face the resulting financial stress when the bills become due.

• Of the two situations, a chronic situation is usually much more difficult to deal with. Behavior patterns may have become deeply embedded  Anger may have had plenty of time to develop into hardened resentment. Hopelessness may have raised its ugly head, obscuring our belief in the promises and comfort of God. And above all it might require a great deal more time and effort to break free of its grip.

We sometimes have the ability to hold off or prepare for a crisis – but more often we have the opportunity to avoid chronic problems by dealing with them as they come and before they become large.

Just something to think about.

Marriage Commitment Fears

Lately I have been thinking about the fears that single people have about making marriage commitments. Here are some of the comments I have heard.

“If it doesn’t work out, she’ll leave and take half of my stuff.”

“I’m afraid that he’ll become another child I have to support”

“She’s nice to me now, but once we get married, who knows?”

“He pays attention to me now, but if we get married will he still be interested in me?”

“Marriages don’t last very long anymore, so why not just live together. It makes the inevitable break-up a lot less messy.”

All these statements hold truth in them for many people. And the person you date might be one of them. So why is this, and what do you do about it?

Just because you believe that these statements are not true about you, doesn’t mean that you will not have to deal with them if they come up in your dating relationships. In fact, if one of them is your potential partner’s fear, you will be right in the middle of it.

Most of these fears come from direct or indirect experience, many of which are a result of the family we grew up in. The family has a huge influence on the beliefs that we hold – and closely held beliefs are hard to change. Because so many people are the children of divorced parents – whether physically or emotionally divorced – it may become necessary (if you are willing to pursue this relationship) to address these fears with patience and love. Reassurance is the key here. 

• Not only is reassurance required, but also so is rigorous honesty with oneself.

• Am I really willing to follow through with a lifetime commitment to a spouse?

• Will I do everything in my power to be a financially and emotionally responsible mate?

• Will I treat my partner with love and respect even when I don’t feel like it?

• Will I commit time and energy to the relationship, knowing that neglect is one of the biggest killers of relationships?

If I can truly answer ‘yes’ to these questions, then perhaps I am ready to move forward, even in the face of other’s fears. 

“But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.” 1 John 4:18