2 Things I learned From You

I love when I learn from clients. So many of my clients are lifetime learners, alert to growth opportunities from multiple sources. And delightfully, they often share some of those insights and snippets of knowledge with me.

In the past couple of weeks I have learned two valuable pieces of wisdom regarding relationships. 

• The woman must set the physical boundaries in a relationship, and a man must set the emotional boundaries in a relationship. 

Yes, I know that this is a generalization, but I have found that it is largely true. Men will usually press for as much physical connection as the woman will allow. It is his nature. Good men are aware that this aspect of his temperament must be controlled, but it is still very difficult for him, and a woman must lead in this area. It is a good thing that he has a strong sexual desire because it is a motivation to form relational bonds. But out of control it will create relational chaos.

For most women, containing her emotional quantity and intensity is her challenge. Her desire for relational connection and “face to face” time will often overwhelm a man when she is unrestrained. So it becomes necessary for a man to set a limit on how much intimate connection he is able to absorb without becoming emotionally flooded. When he is over his limit, the message he will give off (usually through body language) will often be interpreted as not caring or not interested in what the woman is saying. It isn’t usually true, it’s just that he is emotionally saturated and shutting down.  

The second thing I have learned this week also concerns relationships. 

• When a man feels disrespected he will often stop fighting FOR the relationship and start fighting AGAINST it. 

And we know that men can fight both aggressively and passively (or become passive aggressive). He will detach from the relationship by either becoming angry and pushing the partner away, or by withdrawing from intimate or significant connection. Either way he is creating emotional distance as a way to protect himself from the disrespect that he is feeling.

I am not necessarily placing the blame on the woman here. Men can do lots of things to contribute to the destruction of a relationship. They can certainly make it difficult for a woman to respect him. The point here is that if a woman desires for a man to fight for relational restoration and closeness between them, then her best strategy is to show respect even if she is not feeling it at the moment. As Emerson Eggerichs asks in “Love and Respect”, do you believe that he is, at his core, a good-willed man? If so, then he is worthy of your respect. 

Both of these insights came from women who wanted me to understand the power that women can have in relationships when they understand the different natures of men and women. I really do appreciate the vulnerability that this kind of sharing requires and I cherish it. 

Am I An Emotional Infant?

All week I have been using a self assessment of emotional and spiritual maturity from Pete Scazerro as a way to start the new year. Our pastor Mark reminded us, as he usually does at the beginning of each year, that our goal each year is to grow – that remaining the same year to year is a kind of tragedy.

What is our goal for clients at The Relationship Center?

I think Scazerro sums it up pretty well in his description of an Emotional Adult:

Emotional adults. I can respect and love others without having to change them or becoming critical and judgmental. I don’t expect anyone to be perfect in meeting my relational needs, whether it be my spouse, parents, friends, boss, or pastor. I love and appreciate people for who they are as whole individuals, the good and the bad, and not for what they can give me or how they behave. I take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, goals, and actions. When under stress, I don’t fall into a victim mentality or a blame game. I can state my own beliefs and values to those who disagree with me—without becoming adversarial. I am able to accurately self-assess my limits, strengths, and weaknesses and freely discuss them with others. Deeply in tune with my own emotions and feelings, I can move into the emotional worlds of others, meeting them at the place of their feelings, needs, and concerns. I am deeply convinced that I am absolutely loved by Christ, that I have nothing to prove.

For some, you may be thinking: “That describes me to a ‘T’.” But for others, you might say to yourself: “I have a long way to go.”

The self-assessment measures six areas and rates them according to four maturity levels:  Emotional Infant, Child, Adolescent and Adult.

I would love to tell you that I hit top tier on all six areas, but I didn’t. Did this depress me? I guess a little. But it also gave me a challenge and a hope. I still had room to grow, even at 63.  What are the components that will help me reach a higher level of maturity?

• Self-discipline. I can be the master of my own emotions and actions. I can delay gratification and manage my appetites. 

• Appropriate transparency. I filter my words so that I share with discernment. Everybody does not need to know everything about me. I can express myself without having to force myself upon others. 

• Empathy. I have developed the skill of seeing situations from another person’s perspective and can express care for them. 

• Listening. I listen twice as much as I talk. 

• Appropriate self-sacrifice. I can yield to others needs when necessary. This is not martyrdom or masochistic, but thoughtfully measured and kindly offered.

For those who are interested, the assessment is available online at: http://restoringthesoul.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/Emotional-and-Spiritual-Health-Inventory.pdf

It might be helpful to keep this link or download the assessment and take it now and a year from now. You can pinpoint growth areas and then measure your success.  

You Know What To Do

I’ve been pondering a maxim that I read in a fiction novel this week (yes, I read fiction, too). The wise teacher was instructing his students on a life principle.

“You know what to do. You just don’t want to do it.”

I think this describes a lot of people that come in for counseling. Perhaps they are hoping that there is an alternative to facing the hard stuff. Or they need someone with an authoritative voice to help them face the truth. Or they are hoping that the counselor will confront their partner instead of having to do it themselves.  

Yes, it is true that sometimes people need help breaking denial. They may have a big old blind spot that needs to be exposed. This is especially true for people with a more serious disorder. But for many this is not the case. It is simply that the needed change is painful, complicated, or difficult.

I see two main areas that are pretty common.

Moral

• I need to stop drinking.
• I need to let go of an affair or other sexual behavior outside of marriage.
• I have to deal with my anger
• I have a problem with lying.
• I have a spending or other addiction.

Practical

• I need to move out of my parent’s house
• I need to let go of a relationship that is destructive.
• I need to find a job or look for another job.
• I need to move forward with a marriage commitment
• I need to get my finances in order, but it means having to reduce my lifestyle

Both of those lists could get much longer. And let me say, it takes courage to do those things. Being coached through them often makes the process easier, or at least more doable. That is one reason why we love the AA method of using sponsors. Sponsors are able to strengthen and encourage us when we are weak. They are a gift.

I remember times in my life where I have had to face both moral and practical issues. They really are not fun. Deciding to allocate money to a retirement account meant reducing my available spending money. Admitting I was a people pleaser and needed to set appropriate boundaries was, and still is painful for me. Even before I entered counseling I knew many of the things that needed changing – but I needed help doing them.  My pride, my fear, and my family issues got in the way.

God tells us that He is available to be a 24/7 resource. His word stands as a promise to us. We can always reach out to Him when we are weak.

Psalm 46:1 

God is our refuge and our strength:

An ever present help in times of trouble.

Mind Clutter

I came across this passage in “Here and Now” by Henri Nouwen (yes, I am temporarily addicted to Nouwen).

“Whether we ask for it or not… we simply cannot go far without being engulfed by words and images forcibly intruding themselves into our minds. But do we really want our mind to become the garbage can of the world? Do we want our mind to be filled with things that confuse us, excite us, depress us, arouse us, repulse us or attract us whether we think it is good for us or not?

That leaves me considering what power I have over those things. Certainly I cannot avoid the world. But I do have a certain amount of control over my world. All my electronic devices have off as well as on buttons. (Some of you are saying to yourself “I never knew that.”)

I have noticed that the unrestrained input of news on a daily basis tends to make me depressed and cynical. It is also quite addictive. I often find myself punching buttons on the car radio out of habit, even when it is turned off! When I reach this stage I know that it is time for a fast from news media and talk radio, etc.

How about the other media in our lives: movies, television, books, music, etc? Do we choose wisely or do we feed ourselves things that are of questionable worth – or that compromises our values? Do we hide some of those things from a spouse or friends? Do we have the willpower to discontinue reading or viewing something when we find it objectionable? Have you ever walked out on a movie for that reason?

Do you intentionally feed your mind good things? I try to always have at least a couple of really good books nearby. I don’t want to make it hard on myself to make positive choices. I am always tempted to snack on junk food for the mind.

Do you have a belief that everything is worth knowing? Or are you afraid off missing out on something important? Does this lead you to collect massive amounts of mind clutter? Once something is stored, it may become difficult or even impossible to discard. Think of violent or pornographic images both visual and written.

Perhaps we need to hit a reset button on some of our acquired habits and rethink what we want to allow into our head and heart.

Philippians 4:8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.