Are You in a Relationship With a Passive Controller?

When we think about controlling people, we usually think about active controllers – those people who impose their will on others aggressively. They are easy to spot because they pursue us with their needs and wants. We don’t have to go looking for them.

But there are also passive controllers.

Passive controllers are much more subtle. It’s not what they do, but rather what they don’t do that ends up controlling you. They use tools like silence or guilt to control. They ignore doing things that need to be done, and wait until you step up and do them. Their “patience’ can be exasperating.

We have a saying; “The most passive person wins.” What we mean is passive control is often more powerful than active control. If you are upset about something and I do not respond, you will likely get more upset. If I still do not respond you may likely get even more upset. You are losing control of your emotions, but I have lost nothing. I smugly point out your lack of self control, while I point out how “reasonable” I am being. I am in complete control.   

What can you do when you encounter a passive controller?

Detach emotionally – become more passive than they are – at least about matters concerning them.

                                                               

For example: If you need a response from your spouse about attending an event, but they keep putting you off about a decision – decide to attend alone, if you want to go. Make plans without them.

Another example: If you have a family member that always seems to make you late by dragging their feet when getting ready to go somewhere, then when it’s time to leave, just leave – and leave them behind.

Will they be upset? Yes. Will they learn to be more respectful of you? Hopefully.

You will need to learn to manage your own uncomfortable feelings as you resist the control. It is possible that you will feel resentful that you have to set up boundaries.  But it is also likely that you have felt resentful when you have given in to unreasonable behavior from others in the past. When you set up healthy boundaries at least you will feel good about yourself.

The goal is not to be mean or inflexible in our resistance to the passive control, but rather to learn to both respect others as well as respect ourselves.  

Think about your own behavior. Are you a passive controller? Do you live with one? How is this affecting your life, or your relationships?     

One Fatal Flaw In Dating

Many years ago I was standing at the front counter of a dental office in Lawndale and the woman behind the desk was listening to Dr. Toni Grant, a radio psychologist. Dr. Grant was involved in a conversation with a young woman who was complaining about a relationship that she was in. “What’s wrong with him!” she whined. Dr. Grant was kind but firm:

“The problem is with you. You choose the wrong type of man. You are chasing excitement. Don’t you know that all good men are a little bit boring?”

This has stuck with me all these years because it is true – but I would say it applies to both men and women equally. Bad boys and bad girls. They are exciting, but you wouldn’t want to marry one, because they are relationally unstable. They are usually temporary and most often will hurt you eventually.

What are the indicators of these personality types?

• Their lives are chaotic – financially, relationally, etc.
• They take unnecessary or foolish risks – drugs, alcohol, sex, speeding, spending, gambling, etc.
• They keep parts of their lives obscured and secretive.
• When things go wrong they blame you, or others.
• They advertise but often don’t deliver on their promises.
• They leave a trail of broken relationships.
• They control the relationship. You are always subject to their time schedule, desires and expectations. 
• They are selfish and always have an excuse for their behavior.
• They connect intensely and withdraw intensely. 

If you have been, or are in a relationship with one of these people I am sure you can add to my list. It can be difficult to break this addiction to the wrong type. You may think the trade-off is worth it, but I guarantee you it is not. Eventually the buzz wears off and the pain and damage remains.

Is there hope for you or them? Of course. People can change, but it is very difficult. Often the question is “Do they (or you) really want to change?” or “Will they do the work that change requires?”. Going to counseling or recovery programs is not always an indication of either. It is a start, but not a finish.

"But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves." (James 1:22 (NLT)

I am not equating the advice of a counselor to the word of God, but I am saying that hearing alone is not sufficient. We have had clients who have stayed for quite a long time, but never grew. They knew what to do, but never followed through. Sadly, they left counseling carrying the same weights they brought with them the first session. Happily, that is not usually the case.

If you find that you are attracted to the wrong type – take a break from dating until you make the necessary shifts. If you are the wrong type, the same advice stands. You have to become the kind of person that you want to attract – spiritually, mentally and physically.   

It’s easier to add some excitement than it is to cleanup chaos. A little bit boring is healthy.  

I’m Just Being Optimistic

I was in a checkout line at a department store behind a woman who had a basket full of clothes and other items. After the clerk rang up the purchases, the woman presented a credit card. Denied! She pulled out a second and then a third card. Both denied. Then she asked the clerk to try the first card again. Was this woman being optimistic?

No, she was in denial of reality and didn’t want to accept it.

I wonder how many times a day this same scenario is repeated? Maybe you have even been there. Or perhaps the issue isn’t financial, but some other refusal to accept the truth that is right before your eyes.

For an addict, breaking denial is the first step towards recovery. This is not news – we all know this. But there are other perhaps more subtle ways in which we deceive ourselves.

• We keep applying for jobs we are not qualified for hoping someone will hire us anyway.

• We abuse our automobiles or our bodies and hope they will last forever.

• We stay in an abusive or violent relationship hoping that this will be the time his sincere apology will really mean a change. (Good luck with that one!)

• We ignore deadlines and trust that somehow there is a way around the penalties.

• We hide bills from our spouse and believe everything will turn out OK in the end.

I love optimism. It is a predictor of success in many areas of life. Optimists tend to draw people towards themselves that want to help them reach their goals. (People tend to shy away from perpetual pessimists.) But optimists do not operate outside of reality.

Optimists will:

·         Keep applying for jobs that they are qualified for knowing that one will come through eventually. Or they train for the job they really want.

·         Maintain their health and possessions knowing that it will make a difference in the long run.

·         Leave a bad relationship knowing that a better one is bound to come along.

·         Embrace deadlines as a challenge to get things done and feel satisfied.

·         Share the hard things with their spouse, like bills, and believe that together they will make necessary changes and work things out.

A true optimist sees life with a hopeful perspective. But they do not live with unrealistic expectations. Denial is not their friend, but an obstacle to avoid.

Being in denial of our own mortality is the easiest and most dangerous position of all. However, the reality of the hope we have in Christ Jesus gives us the ultimate reason to be optimistic. If you want to know more about this hope, check out the messages at cachurch.com.

5 Things To Keep The Relationship Alive

It is always exciting when I come across a piece of simple wisdom. To me simple wisdom is something that is so obvious that it makes you smile that you didn’t put it into words first. As I was rereading a book this week (Close Calls by David Carder), I stumbled upon one of those.

What is this little gem of knowledge?

It is a list of things that keep a relationship vital. Simply put, they are those behaviors that came easy at the beginning, but may fall away as time progresses and life gets busy. According to the book, if we fail to provide these things to our partner, they become vulnerable to people outside of our relationship who might supply them.

Here are five things that Carder says we should continue to do to keep a partner happy.

• Accommodation – When you are first dating I’ll bet you make sure that you make time and space to accommodate the relationship. You might cancel other commitments and plan your life around being able to connect with your girl or guy. They are a priority in your life and they know it.   

• Adoration – Isn’t it a great feeling to feel beautiful or handsome when your beloved looks at you – that they would rather be with you than anyone else? You spend extra effort making sure that you are worthy of the attention – and you melt when they respond positively.

• Admiration – Who doesn’t want to be looked up to? When I feel that from Nan, it makes me want to go the extra mile. It’s not easy being great, but when someone recognizes it in you it makes you want to hang around them more.

• Affirmation – For some folks there is no substitute for delicious words spoken to them. They light up when you tell them all the things that you love and appreciate about them – or how you respect what they do or who they are as a person. 

• Affection – Physical connection is something that all living beings crave. It is why it is so hard to keep our hands off our partner when we are dating. It is a definite way to reassure your partner that you still love and care for them even after a lot of time has passed.  

 Have you gotten lazy in your relationship? I know I have and this is a great reminder. 

Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.

Proverbs 5:18