10 Lame Excuses for Divorce

When we face a life or death crisis, all of a sudden pride and superficialities fall away. We become totally emptied out and desperate for God to fill the uncertainty with hope.

I wish it were the same with the imminent possibility of the death of a marriage.

Sadly, instead, the leaving spouse often becomes more prideful and clings to superficialities that support their case for dissolving the marriage. Although not always the case, it is not uncommon for the other, often clueless spouse to become humbled by the pronouncement that the marriage may be over. The positive side of this, if there is one, is that it focuses attention on the marriage problems and may be the only thing that moves a resistant spouse to seek outside help.

Here are the top ten lame excuses people use to justify a divorce. (Thanks to Dr. David Clarke – David Clarke Seminars)

• “I don’t love you anymore.” (Obviously you don’t understand love. You still think it’s a feeling.)

• “I never loved you.” (Really? It was an arranged marriage?)

• “I felt pressured to get married.” (Somebody actually held a gun to your head, huh?)

• “I need to find myself.” (Let us help you – you’re married, perhaps with kids.”)

• “It’s not you, it’s me.” (Now we’re getting to the truth.)

• “I’m having a midlife crisis.” (I guess you think that gives you permission to engage in all kinds of sinful behavior.”), 

• “God wants me to be happy.” (Sorry, not Biblical. He wants you to be holy.)

• “It’s better for the kids.” (No, it’s not. Kids always do better in an intact family, even if it's conflictual.)

• “My needs aren’t being met.” (You haven’t insisted that your needs be met by learning how to effectively confront your spouse.)

• “I’ve fallen in love with my soul mate.” (No, it’s your sin mate. You have compromised your character and integrity.”)

Can you add to my list? I’ll bet some of the counselors out there can.

5 Things To Keep The Relationship Alive

It is always exciting when I come across a piece of simple wisdom. To me simple wisdom is something that is so obvious that it makes you smile that you didn’t put it into words first. As I was rereading a book this week (Close Calls by David Carder), I stumbled upon one of those.

What is this little gem of knowledge?

It is a list of things that keep a relationship vital. Simply put, they are those behaviors that came easy at the beginning, but may fall away as time progresses and life gets busy. According to the book, if we fail to provide these things to our partner, they become vulnerable to people outside of our relationship who might supply them.

Here are five things that Carder says we should continue to do to keep a partner happy.

• Accommodation – When you are first dating I’ll bet you make sure that you make time and space to accommodate the relationship. You might cancel other commitments and plan your life around being able to connect with your girl or guy. They are a priority in your life and they know it.   

• Adoration – Isn’t it a great feeling to feel beautiful or handsome when your beloved looks at you – that they would rather be with you than anyone else? You spend extra effort making sure that you are worthy of the attention – and you melt when they respond positively.

• Admiration – Who doesn’t want to be looked up to? When I feel that from Nan, it makes me want to go the extra mile. It’s not easy being great, but when someone recognizes it in you it makes you want to hang around them more.

• Affirmation – For some folks there is no substitute for delicious words spoken to them. They light up when you tell them all the things that you love and appreciate about them – or how you respect what they do or who they are as a person. 

• Affection – Physical connection is something that all living beings crave. It is why it is so hard to keep our hands off our partner when we are dating. It is a definite way to reassure your partner that you still love and care for them even after a lot of time has passed.  

 Have you gotten lazy in your relationship? I know I have and this is a great reminder. 

Kindness

Being down with a terrible, nasty cold (dramatic, aren’t I) for a couple of weeks gave me an opportunity to reflect and feel gratitude. Gratitude? Yes, gratitude.

I realized what a gift health is.

Normally I have no trouble engaging my imagination and doing some world-class dreaming and planning. But the cold made this feel more like a chore than a delight.

Sleep. All I wanted to do was sleep, but it was hard to get enough. Although I spent lots of time on my back, the deep rest never came. I feel for people who never get enough even while they are healthy because of various reasons.

I like food with a lot of flavor. The cold took away most of it and I lost my appetite. Nan had to almost force food down me. She would often say “Feed a cold, feed a cold.” What a gift good smells, good flavors and good taste is.

Waking up with energy is a real joy. I like getting up in the morning and looking forward to the day. I missed church because I had no ability to muster up the energy and I didn’t want to infect my friends. I missed conversations and connecting and hugs and laughter and singing. I missed my friends.

So why is the title of this post “Kindness”?

I am most grateful for the kindness that Nan showed me while I was sick. It’s not easy to nurse someone back to health. Sick people can be grumpy and demanding. They aren’t good companions some of the time. The things that I normally do, Nan had to do. But she did them cheerfully. Nan serves me well all the time, but I was especially aware of the kindness with which she does it when I was sick.

This is often the missing element in long term relationships. There is a lack of friendliness and gentleness and playfulness. We are more likely to encounter irritation, coldness or apathy than kindness in our daily interactions. This seems to be gradual erosion that happens when we are not intentional in keeping the relationship “current”. Unprocessed hurts will build up into resentments and we will stop trying or caring to keep a warm connection.

The stresses and busyness of daily life will also numb us out and steal our joy and make cheerful exchanges feel more like a burden. Often there are not enough hours in the day to carve out sufficient (or any) “me time”, where we replenish our emotional batteries. But even random hugs and a few kind words will go a long way to maintain a friendly bond.

Proverbs 16:24 (NLT)

Kind words are like honey — sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.  

What Men Want

Last night at my men’s group (going for about 17 years now, I think), the question came up about the best things about marriage and the most challenging.  Over the years we have asked this question several times of the married guys. Most of us are veterans of long marriages, but sometimes there are guys who have been married more recently.

What is interesting is that there are always similar answers. You might think that sex might be at the top of the positive list (especially for the newly-marrieds), or perhaps dual income or kids. But the most frequent answer is deep and intimate friendship – someone to do life with, someone to come home to.

For me, in addition to the daily friendship, I count having a shared vision and shared purpose as a really high positive as well. It’s not that we always see things identically, but our general trajectory is mostly the same.

What about the hardest things, the most challenging?

At the top of the list is conflict. For most guys, peace at home is of the highest value. I think that may be a huge reason why some men stay at work long after they need to. Or why they come home and hide out. They just don’t want to risk getting in a skirmish and perhaps feeling disrespected. When home is safe, men are happy.

When asked what the most desirable quality a woman can possess – again, no one talked about physical attributes (important, but not a list topper). What we came up with was this: kindness.  Does that surprise you?

Obviously, I can’t speak for the women – so ladies, what would be on the top of your lists? Do you value the same things that we men do?

Why I think talking about this is important is because the messages we get from popular culture are much different. The focus seems to be on the superficial, and the temporary. Without active dialog, we may make wrong assumptions, only to wonder why our reality doesn’t match up with the things we are being sold. 

It’s a great time of the year to offer the gift of friendliness to the one you love the best.    

Emotionally Available

Have you ever spent a good deal of time with someone and then left feeling like you have no deeper knowledge of them? Or have you shared a vulnerable moment with someone and afterwards you have no clue as to what they are thinking or feeling, and that your story did not “move” them in any way?

You may be with someone who is emotionally unavailable.

Or perhaps I may be describing you.

Emotional availability is the ability to monitor your own feelings and then communicate them to another person. It is also the ability to read other people’s verbal and non-verbal cues accurately, and then respond appropriately (emotional intelligence).

 I want to emphasize the word “appropriately” here. There can be a tendency to overshare in an attempt to connect with someone, or to withhold out of fear or anxiety. Oversharing may drive a person away because they might interpret it as neediness on your part, whereas holding on too tight to your feelings may lead them to believe you are emotionally cold.

I suggest a layered approach where you reveal your deeper feelings a little at a time, testing to see how they respond. With each new “layer” you should risk a little more and then see if they are also willing to risk in return. If they cannot, then stop there. If you continue to share after that point with nothing in return you will eventually become hurt and resentful.

I have observed that there is a tendency in some people to consider oversharing a virtue in the name of authenticity and transparency. They want to let a potential candidate for a relationship know all the emotional baggage that they carry, even before that person has a chance to discover all the positive benefits of being in a relationship with them. If this happens on a first encounter, I would be very apprehensive.

But on the other hand, people that are unable to share their deeper feelings (both positive and negative) will probably not be able to sustain a relationship because their partner will feel alone. This is where guessing and mind-reading may enter the picture, often with disastrous results. It takes a lot of frustrating work to pull feelings from an emotionally withholding partner. And you may never know if they are really being honest or just placating you.

So would I advise you to run from an emotionally unavailable person? It depends.

In a dating relationship I would suggest proceeding cautiously and not attempt to take them on as a project. If fear is holding them back and they open up as they relax, there might be potential.

In a marriage, it will probably be necessary to enter counseling as soon as possible to prevent further damage.

How about the person who tends to overshare and parade their emotional damage to you?

Again, in a dating relationship I would be careful not to engage in “rescuing” and take them on as a project. Are they engaged in counseling and recovery and being successful in healing the hurt places in their life, or are they stuck or unwilling to get help? Are they growing in maturity both spiritually and emotionally?

You will probably know when you are with an emotionally available and healthy person, because you will feel connected, but not smothered. You will feel relaxed around them, but not bored. You will feel energized, but not find yourself frequently in the middle of a drama, walking on eggshells.

Any thoughts or comments?  

Boy-Men and Girl-Women

A few years back there was a popular bumper-sticker that read:

“Whoever dies with the most toys, wins.”

I always thought “Wins what?” The Peter Pan award for never having to grow up? In my experience the person with the most toys had the most debt.

Then there was another declaration circulating that said:

“The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.” Really – that’s the difference?

Unfortunately I think some people actually believe that – or at least some men believe that the acquisition of “expensive stuff” is a proof of their maturity. For them, success and its trappings can become more important than people.

How about women? What keeps them immature? I would say that living with fantasy keeps them stuck.

“Someday my prince will come. I will be rescued, life will be beautiful all the time – my problems will be ended when I just find the right man.”

That doesn’t describe most relationships I know. I would more honestly refer to that as magical thinking. It starts early in life with fairy tales and Disney movies. Attracting men seems to be more important than relating to them, just as wedding planning has become a more important focus to some than preparing for the challenges of marriage.

Childhood and adolescence is a time of self-absorption. The clinical term is “childhood narcissism”. It is when a child has not got a proper awareness of the existence and importance of others feelings – yet. To them, they are the center of the universe. However, when we carry this belief into adulthood, it prevents us from becoming fully mature.

How many boy-men are lost in video games, ignoring wives, children and other relationships? How many girl-women are enthralled with romance novels and movies? How about pornography or television sports addictions? Gossip magazines, ladies? I could go on nearly endlessly with the distractions that keep us from focusing on the requirements of a mature adult life.

Women don’t want boys for husbands and guys don’t want to be tied to an emotionally immature girl. Women still want responsible men to father their children, and men still want to marry virtuous women that they can proudly take home to mom. Don’t be fooled by rumors to the contrary.    

Taking an opposing stance to our society that reveres permanent adolescence is difficult at best – it is counter-cultural (I don’t want to grow up – I just want to be a “Toys R Us” kid). It requires self-evaluation and self-sacrifice.  My first step is to admit that I have work to do in this area. Breaking denial is scary, but also refreshing.

1 Corinthians 13:11 (New Living Translation) When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.

Safety & Intimacy

Last weekend was our church’s young adult retreat and the fourth time we have had the privilege to participate as team members during a time of individual focused prayer at this event. The process is simple – individuals who wish to be prayed for sign up for an appointment and teams of two people listen to their requests and then pray with them.

What has become evident to me over the past four years is the similarity of the progression that takes place during these times of connection. There is a specific prayer request (presenting problem) that usually morphs into an underlying deeper issue. Although the content changes from individual to individual, what is common to most is a deep desire for intimacy and safety, both in the moment and in life overall.

This need to be both known and safe is universal – and it is why many seek counseling. It is also a primary motive for many to join together in small community groups, such as our ‘life groups’ at our church. We need to know that we matter, that our pain and our successes do not go unnoticed. We need to know that our failings are not a reason for rejection and ostracism – but rather that we can be cheered on to do better. In short we need an environment that fosters growth because we are secure in the belief that we are accepted.

When this primary need for intimacy and security has been unmet, or worse yet, violated by people that are supposed to protect us, it may become difficult for us to form a trust bond. And forming that bond is a foundational requirement for close relationships.

How are we able to get past old wounds and begin to trust again in the wake of ruptures?

The best way I know to restore these broken places is to form new bonds with safe people. This means taking some relational risks, and cautiously opening up with a few new people. Don’t be in a hurry to go too deep too soon. Ask God to reveal to you who might be a safe person and listen intently for His response. Sometimes it is necessary to begin even more carefully, with an individual person or counselor.

Most importantly, become a safe and trustworthy person for others, and be aware of those around you who might need the comfort of your friendship. 

Fear Driven Relationships

Fear is a very powerful motivator. It can prompt us to react like almost nothing else can. It can be a life saver or a life killer. When real danger exists, it gives us the adrenaline boost necessary to get out of harms way. But when the danger is only perceived, it can cause us to do things that might actually put us in riskier situations.

Depending on the situation and our temperament, our response to fear will be to fight, run or freeze.

This is particularly true in relationships:

• My fear of being alone keeps me in a bad relationship.

• My fear of not being able to support myself keeps me in an abusive relationship

• My fear of being rejected causes me to not speak up when necessary.

• My fear of being ignored causes me to start conflicts to get noticed. 

• My fear of being controlled keeps me from being emotionally close to my spouse and experiencing mutual love.

Why do I say the danger is only perceived in the above examples? In all the scenarios, the fear is probably untested. It is entirely possible I might find another relationship, job, get a good result from speaking up or asking for what I need, or be loved without feeling trapped by it.

This last scenario is particularly evident in many relationships. My fear of being emotionally abandoned may cause me to try to exert control over my partner, who then reacts by moving farther away from me in an attempt to maintain some kind of autonomy. This of course only amplifies my fear, causing me to try to exert more control by pursuing with more intensity.

My fear of being controlled or engulfed may cause me to interpret legitimate needs or requests from my partner as an attempt to control or manage me and I resist, leaving my partner feeling alone and not cared for. Their repeated attempts to get the need met will only reinforce my belief that I must be very vigilant to maintain distance.

The solution? I must take a good look backwards, particularly toward my family of origin, and assess whether I am acting out insecurities from my past. If I can identify where these fears came from, I will have a better shot at managing them rationally.

2 Timothy 1:7 -- For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.