10 Lame Excuses for Divorce

When we face a life or death crisis, all of a sudden pride and superficialities fall away. We become totally emptied out and desperate for God to fill the uncertainty with hope.

I wish it were the same with the imminent possibility of the death of a marriage.

Sadly, instead, the leaving spouse often becomes more prideful and clings to superficialities that support their case for dissolving the marriage. Although not always the case, it is not uncommon for the other, often clueless spouse to become humbled by the pronouncement that the marriage may be over. The positive side of this, if there is one, is that it focuses attention on the marriage problems and may be the only thing that moves a resistant spouse to seek outside help.

Here are the top ten lame excuses people use to justify a divorce. (Thanks to Dr. David Clarke – David Clarke Seminars)

• “I don’t love you anymore.” (Obviously you don’t understand love. You still think it’s a feeling.)

• “I never loved you.” (Really? It was an arranged marriage?)

• “I felt pressured to get married.” (Somebody actually held a gun to your head, huh?)

• “I need to find myself.” (Let us help you – you’re married, perhaps with kids.”)

• “It’s not you, it’s me.” (Now we’re getting to the truth.)

• “I’m having a midlife crisis.” (I guess you think that gives you permission to engage in all kinds of sinful behavior.”), 

• “God wants me to be happy.” (Sorry, not Biblical. He wants you to be holy.)

• “It’s better for the kids.” (No, it’s not. Kids always do better in an intact family, even if it's conflictual.)

• “My needs aren’t being met.” (You haven’t insisted that your needs be met by learning how to effectively confront your spouse.)

• “I’ve fallen in love with my soul mate.” (No, it’s your sin mate. You have compromised your character and integrity.”)

Can you add to my list? I’ll bet some of the counselors out there can.

A Clear Threat to Marriage

I was watching a couple of videos this morning on how husbands and wives wreck their marriages. Although intended to be generally humorous, it was also sad to me because I have seen all the mistakes played out before me in some form or fashion.

One that struck me particularly is a growing problem connected to social media, texting and the freedom that a cell phone affords. It is easier than ever to develop secret relationships, and often unintentionally become entangled in a downward spiral towards an emotional or physical affair. What may have started in friendship can end up in adultery.You can now have a conversation anywhere, and with chat and text it can be carried out in silence right in front of your spouse. 

And the sadder thing is that often spouses don’t know where or even if they should draw a boundary.

I have had both husbands and wives struggle with their feelings when their spouse seems to be connected to an opposite sex person through some form of social media. Is it even OK to feel concerned or jealous, they ask? Am I being too controlling or possessive?

Here are my questions to determine risk.

• Will your spouse show all emails and messages to you, and willingly share their passwords, or is there hiding going on? Are there any intimate or sexual innuendos in the messages? Will they ignore you or give preference to answering emails and texts? Do you feel like a lower priority than the person they are communicating with?

• Do I try to eliminate all my spouse’s relationships outside of our marriage (controlling and too jealous and possessive) or only some opposite sex relationships or perhaps just a particular one?

• Is there a large quantity of emails or texts, or frequent contact with a person of the opposite sex? Does your spouse text while you are sleeping or get up in the middle of the night to text? (Not OK).

• Will they refuse to end or limit the exchanges and get mad and blame you and try to make it your problem instead of theirs? Do they try to convince you that it is a business necessity, when in fact it is not and outside business hours?

Really, I could go on and on. If you feel uncomfortable with a spouse’s outside connection, there may be a reason. They need to take you seriously and put your feelings ahead of that other person’s, unless of course you are being totally unreasonable.  

If you are unclear about what is acceptable, I suggest you both read Dave Carder’s book “Close Calls ” together. It is all about protecting your marriage from affairs. If you are still not in agreement, I urge you to seek outside counsel from a pastor or counselor.

Politics and Adultery

Pretty words and promises are seductive, especially when we are in pain, insecure, disappointed or hopeless. They draw our hearts, encourage us, as well as confuse us. And often they lead us away from our core values. And the results can be devastating to a marriage, state or country.

Both in politics and marriage, mistakes we make are frequently intense. The damage we cause with a bad vote or an adulterous affair may not be able to be reversed and the recovery is usually very difficult. The difference in marriage is that we bear the responsibility of our choices alone, even if the consequences of our actions are widespread.

In politics we have an opportunity to vote our values each time we cast a new ballot. In marriage we have an opportunity to refuse an affair each time one is offered. In both situations compromising our values is our enemy. Of course, knowing our values deeply and being committed to them is the first step. 

The second step is protecting ourselves from deceit and temptation by learning to run away fast. There is no shame in running away at the right time. Shame and guilt come with a failure to do so.

What do you value? What makes you feel whole, integrous? Where are you most vulnerable?

One of the great deceptions we have heard is the idea of “soul mate” as an excuse to leave a marriage.

“I finally found my soul mate. I married the wrong person.”

 “I heard from God that it is OK to divorce my wife and marry the person He had chosen for me all along.”

Uh, huh

God never tells us to go against his teachings in the Bible.

Never

It wasn’t God that you were hearing from. It is another voice; perhaps your own, or?     

The idea of a soul mate “out there” is a myth. We become soul mates as we become one in marriage through years of commitment and hard work. We further strengthen that bond as we both submit ourselves to Christ and His love for us.  

We do strongly believe in choosing our mate well. It makes things much easier if we do. But we must remember that breaking marital vows is serious business. In a Christian marriage, we make a covenant before God to remain faithful, even when it is extremely difficult.

Even if you believe you chose poorly, seek God in the struggle, seek wise counsel, and remain true to yourself and your beliefs. Sometimes the hardest moments come right before a breakthrough.