Whenever law enforcement is called into a situation, eyewitnesses are usually considered the least reliable sources of information. Why? Because the accuracy of the eyewitness is a perception based on the perspective from which they viewed the incident. The official investigators who are called in try first to evaluate the evidence that they can concretely identify.
The counselor is put in the same position when faced with a couple in conflict. Often called in to help a couple settle a dispute, the counselor must rely on opinions and perspectives from two different sources, neither of which will be unbiased and entirely accurate. So what can a counselor do?
I have found that in most cases, the counselor can attempt to bring some calmness to the situation by hearing each person out and trying to act as mediator and direct a forward movement in the relationship.
Mediator: A person midway between two parties who establishes an agreement or relationship between the parties; someone standing between opposing persons as spokesman or reconciler.
As I understand it, we, as Christians are tasked with being agents of reconciliation (2 Cor 5:18). We cannot be judges over situations that we have not observed directly. Yes, there are times during the session that we might call out someone for their behavior in the present moment. We might point out criticism or defensiveness or contempt. But hopefully it is done with care for the relationship and not communicated in a shaming manner.
But we as counselors must do our best to remain as emotionally unbiased as we can in order to mediate fairly despite our own humanness. For us it is the teachings and wisdom of the Bible that guides us in our efforts. But sometimes we fail. We might trigger on our own unhealed places or over-identify with one of the clients.
When counseling couples, humility is often a scarce commodity, and blaming and defending is plentiful. The clients “work the counselor” to get them to side with them, missing the goal of moving forward with some form of win-win. It is understandable, but not productive. So what is productive?
In most, but not all cases, helping each person fully hear and empathize with their partner before moving toward a solution is a starting point. It softens their hearts and positions them to be capable of working on a resolution. Even when anger is appropriate, it is never helpful when unrestrained. And helping them to hold boundaries on intense feelings is the goal of the counselor.
So think of your counselor more as a coach or mediator, not an umpire.
Coach: One who instructs or trains.
