Every once in a while you meet someone who is perfect. They
are never wrong. God has given them permission to hold the moral high ground.
Sin is what other people do, not them. No, they would never really admit that,
but they just know it.
I am always amazed by these people when they end up in my
counseling office. When it comes to relationship issues they are 100% not the problem. That’s because they
are, well, superior. They hold lesser individuals with contempt and feel
justified. When we ask them to talk about their part in the relationship
difficulties they are silent. They own nothing because they are blameless.
You find these people on social media, too. They are always
expounding on the ignorance of others – on the issues that morally superior
people like them understand, but that others don’t. Well, unless those others think
like they do.
Don’t confuse intelligence and wisdom with superiority.
Superiority is an attitude, a state of mind, not an indication of how smart you
really are. Many very intelligent people are also humble.
It is really hard to be in relationship with superior
people. Their arrogance is so off-putting. I know this kind of behavior is
often labeled as low self esteem. Somehow it takes some of the sting away when
we can view them as wounded. But it doesn’t make working on problems any
easier. And it flies in the face of Philippians 2:3 which says:
"Don’t be selfish;
don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than
yourselves."
When you are with these people they can be quite confusing. Is
it me or is it them who is not seeing clearly? I feel their hostility towards
me, but I’m not sure I’m at fault. They can appear compassionate at times, but
it feels so condescending. What’s wrong here?
Is There a Solution?
The sad news is that often these people don’t change unless
they are faced with a trauma in their lives whose root points inescapably to
them. It might be a divorce or other relationship breakup or a major career
upset. Then the façade starts to crumble.
If you are in a relationship with a superior person, you should
treat them with kindness, but set definite boundaries, both with them and with
yourself. Self disclosures about your weaknesses will probably be met with
contempt and be used against you. Don’t worry – they will be happy to point out
your flaws. And don’t try to point out
theirs or try to fix them. It will be fruitless and it will open you up
to more of their condemnation. Instead, practice loving detachment. Emotionally
distance yourself as far as is necessary to not get wounded. Sometimes that can
be out of the relationship.
