Are You Superior?

Every once in a while you meet someone who is perfect. They are never wrong. God has given them permission to hold the moral high ground. Sin is what other people do, not them. No, they would never really admit that, but they just know it.

I am always amazed by these people when they end up in my counseling office. When it comes to relationship issues they are 100% not the problem. That’s because they are, well, superior. They hold lesser individuals with contempt and feel justified. When we ask them to talk about their part in the relationship difficulties they are silent. They own nothing because they are blameless.

You find these people on social media, too. They are always expounding on the ignorance of others – on the issues that morally superior people like them understand, but that others don’t. Well, unless those others think like they do.

Don’t confuse intelligence and wisdom with superiority. Superiority is an attitude, a state of mind, not an indication of how smart you really are. Many very intelligent people are also humble.

It is really hard to be in relationship with superior people. Their arrogance is so off-putting. I know this kind of behavior is often labeled as low self esteem. Somehow it takes some of the sting away when we can view them as wounded. But it doesn’t make working on problems any easier. And it flies in the face of Philippians 2:3 which says:

"Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves."

When you are with these people they can be quite confusing. Is it me or is it them who is not seeing clearly? I feel their hostility towards me, but I’m not sure I’m at fault. They can appear compassionate at times, but it feels so condescending. What’s wrong here?

Is There a Solution?

The sad news is that often these people don’t change unless they are faced with a trauma in their lives whose root points inescapably to them. It might be a divorce or other relationship breakup or a major career upset. Then the façade starts to crumble.

If you are in a relationship with a superior person, you should treat them with kindness, but set definite boundaries, both with them and with yourself. Self disclosures about your weaknesses will probably be met with contempt and be used against you. Don’t worry – they will be happy to point out your flaws. And don’t try to point out  theirs or try to fix them. It will be fruitless and it will open you up to more of their condemnation. Instead, practice loving detachment. Emotionally distance yourself as far as is necessary to not get wounded. Sometimes that can be out of the relationship.

Responding with gentleness, but firmness is what is needed if you see them beginning to break denial and face themselves. If I am describing you, the most helpful thing I can recommend is a (Christian) 12 step program.

I Am Better Than You

As I listened to our pastor talk about feeling superior this morning (and why it is a sin) it triggered a thought about counseling and one misunderstanding that can occur. We often dig through a client’s personal history in an attempt to find root causes of certain behaviors. It is very helpful in making sense of why we do the things we do. But there is a danger, particularly when it comes to issues relating to our family of origin. What is that danger? It is possible that we can use this discovery to excuse our bad behavior and/or not make necessary changes. After all, it’s not our fault that we act the way we do. We were victims of a bad childhood, bad parenting, etc. Right?

And we can use psychological posturing to act superior to people in our past and present.  

I have seen this attitude when one spouse has had more counseling than the other. There is a smugness that emerges that communicates “I know better than you do because of my past experience with this process”. These clients will often try to form an alliance with the counselor in order to get the upper hand. Certainly familiarity with counseling can be helpful when it is not used as a way to gain power or advantage, when it is understood that we are all broken and in need of healing.

Understand that I am talking to myself as well. I can assume this stance too easily since I wade in deep psychological and emotional water during many of my days. If I am not careful I might not allow enough time for clients to fully express themselves before I start forming my opinions. That arrogance leaves me vulnerable to errors and perhaps a lack of accurate empathy – and that’s the last thing I desire as a counselor.  

It is not easy to call someone out on their sin. It is much easier to talk about psychological issues resulting from someone else’s behavior. The risk is joining in a blame-shifting party which is not helpful for a client or a friend. It’s also easier to blame a disorder for everything toxic in a person’s life. I am not minimizing the effect that a disorder has on someone’s life, but it does not usually cover everything. There is still a degree of choice involved with most people – free will, if you will. The condition of my heart will affect the way I deal with situations and people.

We are made up of mind, spirit and body – and they interact to make up who we are as a whole person. To ignore one aspect is to forego an essential element of our being. Each part helps keep the other parts in balance. That is why I must allow my spirit to inform my mind, my emotions, and my behaviors. Integrity means integrating all the pieces of me into one cohesive self. When I submit myself to God, He instead becomes superior in my life and I do not assume that posture, but rather one of humility before Him and others. And at that point I am free.