Finding Your Place

One of the things I really appreciate about where we live is the relative quiet. Though we are part of one of the largest counties in the world (Los Angeles), our little corner is unusually quiet most of the time. Our house is more than 80 years old and doesn’t have double pane windows, but even so, except for the occasional helicopter overhead or an infrequent chorus of barking dogs, it’s pretty peaceful.

But even more important in some ways is the peacefulness inside our home. There is no television blaring, no telephones screaming at us and about the only thing I hear is the refrigerator cycling every once in a while and the occasional chuckle from Nan as she reads something on her laptop.

I realize this doesn’t describe many homes where kids and pets and interruptions and urban noise is the norm. But perhaps there are things you can do to generate more of an environment that is conducive to contemplative pursuits. Can you create a private space within your home? Sometimes it is as easy as installing a lock on your bedroom door and making it “off-limits” except in an emergency.

For others it might be a second bathroom with a tub and candles.

In our house we are fortunate to have a daylight basement which we now use as a theater & music room. For years it had been my music studio and sanctuary when others were living in the house with us. Even now it feels more “away” than other parts of the house. Do you have an unused or underused space in your home that can be converted to your own private haven, even temporarily?

Can you find an isolated corner of your yard or a small alcove in your apartment complex where you can drag a chair and block out noise with soothing music on an MP3 player? Is there a small park nearby? Can you lock yourself in your car in the garage? How about getting to work a few minutes before everyone else arrives?

Whenever we stay in a hotel with a pool, the “pool hours” are always posted. How about the same thing for the television in your home? Nobody will die. Promise.

I do my best thinking in the shower. I am convinced that if I could keep an endless supply of hot water coming from the showerhead I could easily solve the world’s problems. How about you? Do you have a similar place of refuge where ideas and creativity flow? My problem with the shower scenario is that I can’t write things down (I haven’t found a waterproof journal yet).

Jesus would often get away alone to a quiet place. He needed it and so do we. In this city environment we just have to be a bit more creative in finding it.     

Safe At Home

It was five o’clock at the Martin house. All of a sudden Mrs. Martin noticed the time.

“Quick, kids. Your dad will be home soon. We have to pick everything up - now.”

The urgency in her voice was unmistakable. If the house didn’t look near perfect when her husband got home she knew they would likely have a bad evening.

This is just one example of an unsafe home. Over the years I have heard many tragic stories of how the atmosphere at home was anything but welcoming and warm. Sometimes the home was downright dangerous.

What makes a home safe?

Acceptance

Peacefulness and calmness

Predictable positive routines

Reasonable standards of cleanliness and tidiness

Patience with each other, even when we are frustrated

What makes a home unsafe?

Violence – physical or emotional

Yelling, screaming, blaming or guilt-producing language

Addictions – alcohol, drugs, hoarding. These behaviors usually produce chaos

Unrealistic expectations of performance

I find that the root cause in many of my clients dealing with anxiety can be traced to the environment of the home in which they grew up. Critical, violent, unpredictable or anxious parents create anxious kids, who become anxious adults. Often these behaviors are passed down generation to generation with disastrous consequences.

What can you do?

If you are an adult living in an unsafe home you must confront it, probably not by yourself. It takes a lot of effort to break old patterns and make significant positive changes. Depending on the situation the resistance may be intense.

If you are the cause of the problem, breaking denial is the first step. You will most likely have to confront the hurts of your past. You will need to examine maladaptive behaviors (coping mechanisms) that are a part of your current life. You may need to deal with entrenched addictions.

What are the benefits?

Emotional health for you and your family

A safe haven from the troubled world

Growth towards spiritual wholeness, and obedience to God    

Do you relate? Please comment on your current or past situation.

    

Being A Safe Person

In one of my earlier posts I ended by saying we must become a safe and trustworthy person. In reflection I realized that it might not be clear to everyone how that concept plays out in our lives.

A few days ago I was having an emotional conversation with someone (imagine) and I said something that I wish I hadn’t. It probably went unnoticed, but I was instantly aware that given the opportunity to turn back the clock, I would have kept it to myself. 

That is one instance of not being a safe person – not fully controlling our tongue.

To expand on that, not controlling our words is first cousin to not controlling our emotions, our reactions, and our angry outbursts. If we are given to that kind of behavior, people will naturally distance from us. Drama is interesting on TV, not so much in our day-to-day lives.

Keeping confidences, even when difficult is another sign of a trustworthy person. Have you ever experienced toxic prayer, when someone reveals a confidence in a group prayer “to lay it before the Lord”? Not safe.

• Do you honor people’s time by being on time? If you don’t, you become less trustworthy.

• Do you over commit, but under deliver and then make excuses about how busy you are?

• Do you say things you really don’t mean? (As in “Let’s do lunch” or “I’ll pay you back”)

• Do you treat people the same when you are in a group as you do when you are alone? 

• Do you say the same things about a person while in their presence as you do when they are absent? 

Really, what we are talking about here is the attitude of your heart.

Luke 6:45 says: “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”

Husbands and wives take note: these things are especially important for you and your relationship. And people are watching how you treat each other to determine your level of safety. I was told recently by someone that before they were willing to approach me, they intently watched how I treated Nan and how she treated/responded to me. I had no idea it was happening.

So rate yourself and the people around you that you associate with. Are you safe? Are the people you keep company with trustworthy? If you need to make adjustments, be courageous and reap the benefits.

Safety & Intimacy

Last weekend was our church’s young adult retreat and the fourth time we have had the privilege to participate as team members during a time of individual focused prayer at this event. The process is simple – individuals who wish to be prayed for sign up for an appointment and teams of two people listen to their requests and then pray with them.

What has become evident to me over the past four years is the similarity of the progression that takes place during these times of connection. There is a specific prayer request (presenting problem) that usually morphs into an underlying deeper issue. Although the content changes from individual to individual, what is common to most is a deep desire for intimacy and safety, both in the moment and in life overall.

This need to be both known and safe is universal – and it is why many seek counseling. It is also a primary motive for many to join together in small community groups, such as our ‘life groups’ at our church. We need to know that we matter, that our pain and our successes do not go unnoticed. We need to know that our failings are not a reason for rejection and ostracism – but rather that we can be cheered on to do better. In short we need an environment that fosters growth because we are secure in the belief that we are accepted.

When this primary need for intimacy and security has been unmet, or worse yet, violated by people that are supposed to protect us, it may become difficult for us to form a trust bond. And forming that bond is a foundational requirement for close relationships.

How are we able to get past old wounds and begin to trust again in the wake of ruptures?

The best way I know to restore these broken places is to form new bonds with safe people. This means taking some relational risks, and cautiously opening up with a few new people. Don’t be in a hurry to go too deep too soon. Ask God to reveal to you who might be a safe person and listen intently for His response. Sometimes it is necessary to begin even more carefully, with an individual person or counselor.

Most importantly, become a safe and trustworthy person for others, and be aware of those around you who might need the comfort of your friendship.