On a Beach Far Far Away

My first experience with a “retreat” was as a child. And for me, it wasn’t so wonderful, and certainly not restful. It was some sort of Christian boy’s camp held at a ranch. It was called Green Acres or Green Oaks or something like that. I was put on a bus with a bunch of kids I didn’t know and told to sit down and be quiet “or else” by the guy in charge. Nice.

The highlights of that long weekend that I can remember were the ability to buy candy at the camp store if your parents had thought to give you some pocket money, and riding a mule that stopped every few feet to relieve itself.

My idea of a retreat today is somewhat different than my early experience. 

There are many kinds of retreats – personal development retreats, educational retreats, spiritual retreats, and just-leave-me-alone-so-I-won’t-go-nuts retreats. Some professions (like raising children) are probably most subject to the last one. I think I’ll call it an emergency retreat. It becomes necessary when the stressors of life overwhelm us. Although I have heard that you can “have a retreat in your own home”, somehow I think the vast majority of us can’t detach enough in our own environments in order to accomplish that. There are simply too many things calling out for attention.

God’s plan for us is to have times of rest. If you are a motivated leader in any capacity, rest may feel like a low priority and an unneeded interruption in a busy life. But those who do not build rest into their lives may find unscheduled “retreats” in the form of doctor or hospital visits. Pastors, counselors, business leaders and medical professionals often fall into this category. But it is not just leaders that need to detach. Employees who work in high stress environments are subject to burnout and overload as well. Taking a couple of mental health days is better than a week of sick days.

Most people will have to have a planned retreat built into their lives. So often a vacation is not a restful retreat, especially if it involves children. A retreat should be free from daily responsibilities, and where kids are involved that is simply not possible. Also, many people make vacations heavy on activities – and that’s not the purpose of a retreat.

On retreats I want to have space to think, to dream, and to recreate without pressure to perform. I also want to be able to spend time with positive sensory input, in other words, just feeling stuff. I like long stretches of uninterrupted “being”, and not doing. I often wrestle with a feeling of anxiety for not accomplishing anything concrete. But then I remind myself that that is precisely the point. I am dealing with the intangibles of life that nourish the soul, like spending time with just me and God. All good retreats offered by churches and other organizations include a heavy dose of this separate time, away from the planned events and connect time.

Recently I posted a question on Facebook asking where you would most like to spend time in retreat: desert, mountain or beach. I would like to ask it here as well. Use the comment box below to describe your favorite formal or informal retreat setting.        

Finding Your Place

One of the things I really appreciate about where we live is the relative quiet. Though we are part of one of the largest counties in the world (Los Angeles), our little corner is unusually quiet most of the time. Our house is more than 80 years old and doesn’t have double pane windows, but even so, except for the occasional helicopter overhead or an infrequent chorus of barking dogs, it’s pretty peaceful.

But even more important in some ways is the peacefulness inside our home. There is no television blaring, no telephones screaming at us and about the only thing I hear is the refrigerator cycling every once in a while and the occasional chuckle from Nan as she reads something on her laptop.

I realize this doesn’t describe many homes where kids and pets and interruptions and urban noise is the norm. But perhaps there are things you can do to generate more of an environment that is conducive to contemplative pursuits. Can you create a private space within your home? Sometimes it is as easy as installing a lock on your bedroom door and making it “off-limits” except in an emergency.

For others it might be a second bathroom with a tub and candles.

In our house we are fortunate to have a daylight basement which we now use as a theater & music room. For years it had been my music studio and sanctuary when others were living in the house with us. Even now it feels more “away” than other parts of the house. Do you have an unused or underused space in your home that can be converted to your own private haven, even temporarily?

Can you find an isolated corner of your yard or a small alcove in your apartment complex where you can drag a chair and block out noise with soothing music on an MP3 player? Is there a small park nearby? Can you lock yourself in your car in the garage? How about getting to work a few minutes before everyone else arrives?

Whenever we stay in a hotel with a pool, the “pool hours” are always posted. How about the same thing for the television in your home? Nobody will die. Promise.

I do my best thinking in the shower. I am convinced that if I could keep an endless supply of hot water coming from the showerhead I could easily solve the world’s problems. How about you? Do you have a similar place of refuge where ideas and creativity flow? My problem with the shower scenario is that I can’t write things down (I haven’t found a waterproof journal yet).

Jesus would often get away alone to a quiet place. He needed it and so do we. In this city environment we just have to be a bit more creative in finding it.     

Reducing Stress

No one contests that we live in stressful times. When we talk about “the news”, it’s almost always about bad news. When we talk about finances, it’s usually not about a “windfall” we have received. When the subject of jobs or parenting or close relationships comes up, it frequently is about the difficulties in maintaining a good attitude in the midst of the struggles. All of this produces stress, or more accurately, distress.

So much of what challenges us cannot be eliminated, but sometimes its toxic effects on our emotions can be reduced. The secret is to control what is in our power to control, and to release the rest to God in prayer. Wisdom lets us know what is controllable and what is not.

One powerful tool is developing protective filters.

I can decide what enters my consciousness to a great degree by intentionally limiting the input of stressful data that I have little or no control over. I have the ability to choose what I want to read, watch, and listen to on a regular basis. I can control the telephone; I don’t have to let it control me. I can regulate the noise level in my environment whenever possible. I can manage my time commitments by learning to say “no”. I can intentionally feed myself uplifting media and positive self-talk.

The second powerful tool is using relaxation exercises. The following is borrowed from Dr. Siang-Yang Tan.

Four Muscle Group Relaxation Exercise (Tan)

This relaxation technique involves the alternate tensing and then relaxing or letting go of various muscle parts of your body. First, sit in a comfortable chair or recliner, in a room and at a time when you will not be disturbed. Give yourself at least 15-20 minutes of uninterrupted “relaxation time” to practice the relaxation exercises, beginning with the leg muscles and ending with the arm muscles. It helps to close your eyes.

            Leg muscles. You can tense your thigh and calf muscles by pointing you toes toward you face and tensing these muscles hard. Hold the tension for 7-10 seconds by counting slowly up to 5. Then let go and allow the muscles to go limp. Now use self-talk: tell yourself to “just relax, let go of all the tension….allow the muscles to smooth out….take it easy….just unwind and relax more and more….” Continue with this relaxation patter for 20 seconds or so before proceeding to repeat this exercise. Do this exercise a total of 4 times. Then proceed to the next one.

            Upper-body muscles. After completing the exercise for the leg muscles, focus your attention on the muscles of your upper body --- your chest, stomach, shoulders, and back. Tense them by taking in a a slow, deep breath, holding it for a count up to 5 (about 7-10 seconds), pulling your stomach in, and arching your back (unless you have a back injury or back pain, in which case you should not arch your back). When you reach a count of 5, slowly exhale and let go of all the muscle tension, again telling yourself mentally to relax and take it easy, using the relaxations patter or self-talk for about 20 seconds or so before repeating the exercise. Do it a total of 4 times.

            Face and neck muscles. Focus your attention on the muscles of your face and neck regions. Tense these muscles by closing your eyes tightly, biting you teeth, smiling back, pushing your chin down as if to touch your chest, but not allowing it to touch your chest. Hold the tension for a count up to 5 (7-10 seconds), and then relax and let go of these muscles, again using the relaxation patter for up to 20 seconds or so. Repeat this exercise for a total of 4 times before proceeding to the final exercise.

            Arm muscles. Now focus your attention on the muscles of your arms. Tense them by clenching your fists and flexing you biceps…..Hold the tension for a count up to 5 (7-10 seconds), and then relax and let your arms flop down limp by your sides. Again, engage in the relaxation patter for 20 seconds or so before repeating the exercise, doing it a total of 4 times.

            At the end you should give yourself a couple more minutes to just sit quietly and enjoy the feelings of deeper and more complete muscle relaxation that you are experiencing by this time. Then, count from 1 to 5 as you slowly move your muscles, and eventually open your eyes at the count of 5, feeling very relaxed and refreshed.

            In addition, if you wish, once your have done the above exercise you can remain seated quietly, eyes closed, and then breathe through your nose and then say a word such as “peace” or “shhhhhhh” (as in quiet) as you slowly exhale through your mouth while envisioning a beautiful safe place. Maintain a quiet and passive attitude throughout for a total time of about twenty minutes, even if you have distracting thoughts at times.

Try this exercise and let me know how it worked for you.

     

MARGIN - do you have it?

I love my job at C.A. (so does Nan). It is what I believe God designed me to do. It is challenging and satisfying and I love the people I work with. So when I feel myself pulling back from it or getting irritable, I know something is wrong.

A few years back Nan & I invited Dr. Richard Swenson to speak at Christian Assembly. He is the author of a book entitled “Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives.”  This concept of ‘margin’ struck a loud chord in my soul and it has been a theme I have been talking about (and paying attention to) ever since.

Margin is the space between your load and your limit.

If you have $3000 (limit) coming in and $2700 (load) going out, you have a margin of $300. You can relax in the area of finances. But if you spend or commit the $300, you have no margin. Any expense you incur after that throws you into a deficit position and you are in financial pain. Your load has just exceeded your limit. It is always sad to see someone who is so burdened by debt that their options have been virtually eliminated. It is doubly painful when they are the perpetrator of their own financial imprisonment.  

The same thing applies to time. When I am fully or over committed and have left insufficient time for rest or recreation I can begin to resent even the positive things in my life. Any new opportunity seems like a burden instead of a possibility.

In the same way we can run down our health by overeating (or eating junk food), under-exercising, under-sleeping. We use up our reserves and fuel ourselves with coffee and adrenaline and our body suffers.

I often see couples stress each other out with emotional baggage to the point that all the grace is used up. At times I have heard someone in counseling declare “I have reached my limit. NO MORE!” At this point the relationship is in real trouble and there is no margin for future error. Any new stressor may result in the total breakdown or breakup of the relationship.

So how are you doing in those areas in your life? Where do you lack margin?

The solution is to take positive control over your own life. Learning to say ‘no’ to yourself and others may be a challenge. It’s never easy to turn down fun opportunities, or resist spending money or take the extra energy to prepare a healthy meal. But the reward of margin will far outweigh the effort. It will allow you to be able to say ‘yes’ to really significant things as they present themselves. And you will experience joy in doing them instead of pain.

Wrap your mind around the concept of margin and reap the harvest.