Ending Unhealthy or Unproductive Relationships

I always struggle with knowing where to draw boundaries with certain people. And it’s no surprise that the closer the relationship, the more difficult the decision. I am quite aware of the difference between loving detachment and emotional cutoff. With some relationships I am just called to endure with grace and patience and loving-kindness.

But are there some relationships that just need to go away? In a word – yes.

Every time I say yes to spending time with one person, I am saying no to a multitude of others. Our time is finite and it’s quantity in our particular life is unknowable. I have found that we can spend many unproductive hours trying to cultivate relationships that yield little results for either party, or the benefit feels so lopsided that I see them as an intrusion and I resent them.

I am not just talking about personal relationships, but business relationships as well. As a sales person I have had to walk away from clients who had high demands and delivered little in return. Often these were the people that got my stomach acid churning and made it difficult for me to keep a positive attitude as I made my next sales call. Deciding to cut them loose always came with a sense of relief – and gave me more time to be with the really wonderful clients that I have or cultivate new ones.

If I am a leader, one of the goals is to develop other leaders and release them. I have to be wise in my time investments and careful with my choices. Does this person have the capacity to learn and become a humble and worthy leader or will my time be better spent with someone else?

It is always particularly hard to end toxic relationships in our personal life. It is often these people that make the most demands on us, get the angriest with us, and use manipulations like guilt and shame to try to control us. It is easy to recognize these people. When they leave a voice mail I am reluctant to call back. When I interact with them I feel uncomfortable and trapped or anxious and alert for signs of hurting their feelings. After being with them I feel emotionally drained and relieved to be away from them.

We cannot walk away from all undesirable relationships, but with some of them we must. A firm, but kind break-up is usually best. For those who hate conflict (most of us) this is not easy, especially when their attempts at reconnection through manipulation follow. In those cases I need to remind myself that I will suffer less if I hold fast. After ending a difficult or unhealthy relationship I find it is best to spend time with an energizing person who will fill us up and help reinforce our decision.

How do I decide who to leave behind? This is a decision that is often best made through prayer, and the input of wise and loving friends or mentors. 

MARGIN - do you have it?

I love my job at C.A. (so does Nan). It is what I believe God designed me to do. It is challenging and satisfying and I love the people I work with. So when I feel myself pulling back from it or getting irritable, I know something is wrong.

A few years back Nan & I invited Dr. Richard Swenson to speak at Christian Assembly. He is the author of a book entitled “Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives.”  This concept of ‘margin’ struck a loud chord in my soul and it has been a theme I have been talking about (and paying attention to) ever since.

Margin is the space between your load and your limit.

If you have $3000 (limit) coming in and $2700 (load) going out, you have a margin of $300. You can relax in the area of finances. But if you spend or commit the $300, you have no margin. Any expense you incur after that throws you into a deficit position and you are in financial pain. Your load has just exceeded your limit. It is always sad to see someone who is so burdened by debt that their options have been virtually eliminated. It is doubly painful when they are the perpetrator of their own financial imprisonment.  

The same thing applies to time. When I am fully or over committed and have left insufficient time for rest or recreation I can begin to resent even the positive things in my life. Any new opportunity seems like a burden instead of a possibility.

In the same way we can run down our health by overeating (or eating junk food), under-exercising, under-sleeping. We use up our reserves and fuel ourselves with coffee and adrenaline and our body suffers.

I often see couples stress each other out with emotional baggage to the point that all the grace is used up. At times I have heard someone in counseling declare “I have reached my limit. NO MORE!” At this point the relationship is in real trouble and there is no margin for future error. Any new stressor may result in the total breakdown or breakup of the relationship.

So how are you doing in those areas in your life? Where do you lack margin?

The solution is to take positive control over your own life. Learning to say ‘no’ to yourself and others may be a challenge. It’s never easy to turn down fun opportunities, or resist spending money or take the extra energy to prepare a healthy meal. But the reward of margin will far outweigh the effort. It will allow you to be able to say ‘yes’ to really significant things as they present themselves. And you will experience joy in doing them instead of pain.

Wrap your mind around the concept of margin and reap the harvest.

Sleep Deprived – Joy Challenged

 Until just recently I have been suffering from a lack of sleep. I tried to do all the right things to correct the problem, but somehow it just never seemed to work. So what changed for me? I have no idea, I just thank God that I am now able to fall asleep in a timely manner. For those of us (and there are many) that are sleep challenged, we truly understand what a gift a good night’s rest is.

The sleep studies I have seen all agree that a minimum of 7 hours of sleep is required to function properly – and 8 hours is better.

The mental impairment from four hours or less sleep is just like having no sleep at all.

Can we oversleep? Well, yes, but usually that is a sign of depression unless we are engaged in ‘catch-up’ sleep. Most clinicians agree that we have one week to catch up on lost sleep before the effects take its toll.

What are the effects of being sleep deprived? Aside from the obvious tiredness, we are much more likely to get into car accidents, relational squabbles, make bad decisions at work and at home and generally have reduced productivity.

But from an emotional and spiritual standpoint, the worst part is that we are going to be joy challenged. Life will feel like a heavy burden instead of a great adventure. I will have an attitude of ‘just getting through the day’ rather than looking forward to what the day will bring.

Many people I have encountered have bragged about how little sleep they get and wear it as a badge of honor or strength. I feel sorry for them because I know that they are tearing their bodies down slowly. They will eventually pay the price.

For some, the solution may just be changing lifestyle habits to make room for and begin to value sleep differently. We dumped our TV cable and gained hours of our life back every day. For others it may require being intentional in other ways – like talking to a doctor to determine if the problem is physical or a counselor if anxiety related.

For all of us we can adjust some things in our lives to increase the joy factor. I suggest the following:

• Decrease your negative or controversial news intake.

• Connect with people who care about you.

• Listen to uplifting (worship) music.

• Limit time with emotionally draining people.

• Increase time with optimistic and life-giving people.

• Volunteer for something that matters.

• Guard your quiet time if you have any, if not make room for it.

And get some sleep if you need it!