Breaking Through A Quarter Life Crisis

“I can’t do anything with this history degree except teach, and I am tired of teaching.”

So said Nan at about age 25. This prompted her to change direction and pursue an M.A. in educational psychology and eventually marriage and family counseling. (My journey was all over the map and didn’t include the typical education track.) 

There are quite a few variations on the definition of a “quarter life crisis”. But all of them seem to agree that it affects many 25-35 year-olds after they have finished school. It is a time of confusion, wanting to get on with life but unable to get started. They probably have ended up back at their parent’s house, can’t find a job and may regret the choice of college degree that they have attained. The result is anxiety and depression and feeling stuck.

How do you break through this ‘crisis’?

The universal answer seems to be a familiar one. It’s time to break denial and face reality. You are overeducated yet unprepared for many of the jobs that are available. Or you have been trained in a field that has few opportunities and little or no commercial value. This is a harsh reality. You also may have been fed the lie that if you pursue your passion, the money will follow. Tell that to most music majors. They will probably have a different story.

What is helpful?

• Grieve the loss of the life that you imagined would result from your university degree. It’s simply more difficult these days to transition from college to a ready and waiting job in the field that you have chosen. You will probably have to cast a much wider net. You may even have to choose a completely different field and train for that. 

• Don’t look backwards, it will only encourage depression. Life at college was simple, if not easy. You knew what was expected, and as a result you could proceed with relative confidence. Not so much now. Looking forward may cause you to feel anxious, but it’s the only direction you have to go. Embrace it. 

• Surround yourself with optimistic people. Ask yourself what is possible and realistic. Try stuff. If you spend time regretting the guidance you didn’t get or the bad advice you did get it will only make it worse. Get some direction from people in the real world who can help you now. 

• Don’t compare yourself to your parents or other friends who are ahead of you in the game. Your parents likely had it very different when they started out. They may have had less education, but were more employable – and the job market was less stringent. Your friends may have chosen a more practical degree, such as math/computer/science/healthcare. 

• Ask yourself what would make you valuable to a prospective employer. What would make you stand out from the other applicants? If you really don’t know, talk to employers that you or your parents know. They can be found everywhere. Their expectations and perspectives may be vastly different from yours.    

• Don’t give up! Know that you will break free at some point if you just keep trying. 35 years old is the upper limit because most people will be established in something by then. 

I’m encouraging Nan to post on skills for getting a job. Maybe you have some suggestions. How about posting in the comment box and share your thoughts.

Rewriting Relationship History

I remember a time when Nan and I were facing some challenges. We had been married for more than a dozen years, but hadn’t entered into counseling yet. There were unresolved hurts that had built up over the years and significant breaks in our trust-bond. More and more we were silently (and sometimes not so silently) judging the relationship as poor. Poor moved to terrible, and at one point, terrible to nearly hopeless. Fortunately we entered counseling (me, kicking and screaming a bit.)

By the time we arrived in counseling we had done a good deal of rewriting the history of the relationship. 

What do I mean? We traded our rose colored glasses for pairs of very dark ones. We mentally dragged out all the bad memories and suppressed all the good ones. This is very common with couples when they first enter into counseling after a lot of marital chaos. It is much easier to remember the difficult parts when you are in pain. But this filtering is very unhelpful when you are trying to get unstuck.

Every couples’ session that we do, we start out with affirmations. It reinforces the positive that exists (or existed) in every relationship. It reminds us why we got into the relationship in the first place. It brings a bit of balance to the counseling experience.

An injured person in particular will often be the one to rewrite their story. If they have already mentally begun to move themselves out the relationship they will be looking for “facts” to build their case. The goal is often to be able to say “It never was any good, anyway.”

If you find yourself doing this during tough times, try the following:

• Intentionally think of good times. Remember dates and celebrations and other significant events. 

• Drag out the photo albums and pictures and try to connect with the good feelings. 

• If you save greeting cards, read through them. If you have journals or diaries, go back to them and see what you find.

It is also possible to filter in the opposite direction. We can suppress the painful memories in the relationship in order to not face them. We accentuate the positive and minimize the negative. This is called denial, and can be dangerous. Battered people often do this. Some relationships may not be worth saving, even though the people involved are. 

What about you? Are you guilty of rewriting history? What might you do to change that? As believers in God, we should always be seeking the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Reducing Stress

No one contests that we live in stressful times. When we talk about “the news”, it’s almost always about bad news. When we talk about finances, it’s usually not about a “windfall” we have received. When the subject of jobs or parenting or close relationships comes up, it frequently is about the difficulties in maintaining a good attitude in the midst of the struggles. All of this produces stress, or more accurately, distress.

So much of what challenges us cannot be eliminated, but sometimes its toxic effects on our emotions can be reduced. The secret is to control what is in our power to control, and to release the rest to God in prayer. Wisdom lets us know what is controllable and what is not.

One powerful tool is developing protective filters.

I can decide what enters my consciousness to a great degree by intentionally limiting the input of stressful data that I have little or no control over. I have the ability to choose what I want to read, watch, and listen to on a regular basis. I can control the telephone; I don’t have to let it control me. I can regulate the noise level in my environment whenever possible. I can manage my time commitments by learning to say “no”. I can intentionally feed myself uplifting media and positive self-talk.

The second powerful tool is using relaxation exercises. The following is borrowed from Dr. Siang-Yang Tan.

Four Muscle Group Relaxation Exercise (Tan)

This relaxation technique involves the alternate tensing and then relaxing or letting go of various muscle parts of your body. First, sit in a comfortable chair or recliner, in a room and at a time when you will not be disturbed. Give yourself at least 15-20 minutes of uninterrupted “relaxation time” to practice the relaxation exercises, beginning with the leg muscles and ending with the arm muscles. It helps to close your eyes.

            Leg muscles. You can tense your thigh and calf muscles by pointing you toes toward you face and tensing these muscles hard. Hold the tension for 7-10 seconds by counting slowly up to 5. Then let go and allow the muscles to go limp. Now use self-talk: tell yourself to “just relax, let go of all the tension….allow the muscles to smooth out….take it easy….just unwind and relax more and more….” Continue with this relaxation patter for 20 seconds or so before proceeding to repeat this exercise. Do this exercise a total of 4 times. Then proceed to the next one.

            Upper-body muscles. After completing the exercise for the leg muscles, focus your attention on the muscles of your upper body --- your chest, stomach, shoulders, and back. Tense them by taking in a a slow, deep breath, holding it for a count up to 5 (about 7-10 seconds), pulling your stomach in, and arching your back (unless you have a back injury or back pain, in which case you should not arch your back). When you reach a count of 5, slowly exhale and let go of all the muscle tension, again telling yourself mentally to relax and take it easy, using the relaxations patter or self-talk for about 20 seconds or so before repeating the exercise. Do it a total of 4 times.

            Face and neck muscles. Focus your attention on the muscles of your face and neck regions. Tense these muscles by closing your eyes tightly, biting you teeth, smiling back, pushing your chin down as if to touch your chest, but not allowing it to touch your chest. Hold the tension for a count up to 5 (7-10 seconds), and then relax and let go of these muscles, again using the relaxation patter for up to 20 seconds or so. Repeat this exercise for a total of 4 times before proceeding to the final exercise.

            Arm muscles. Now focus your attention on the muscles of your arms. Tense them by clenching your fists and flexing you biceps…..Hold the tension for a count up to 5 (7-10 seconds), and then relax and let your arms flop down limp by your sides. Again, engage in the relaxation patter for 20 seconds or so before repeating the exercise, doing it a total of 4 times.

            At the end you should give yourself a couple more minutes to just sit quietly and enjoy the feelings of deeper and more complete muscle relaxation that you are experiencing by this time. Then, count from 1 to 5 as you slowly move your muscles, and eventually open your eyes at the count of 5, feeling very relaxed and refreshed.

            In addition, if you wish, once your have done the above exercise you can remain seated quietly, eyes closed, and then breathe through your nose and then say a word such as “peace” or “shhhhhhh” (as in quiet) as you slowly exhale through your mouth while envisioning a beautiful safe place. Maintain a quiet and passive attitude throughout for a total time of about twenty minutes, even if you have distracting thoughts at times.

Try this exercise and let me know how it worked for you.

     

Comfort and Joy

By now almost everyone is aware of what is called the “holiday blues” – waves of sadness that overtake people who have: experienced losses in their lives on or around the holidays; or who have become acutely aware of the people, finances, or relationships that have disappeared or never existed.

Our tendency when we encounter these people can be to do one or two things that are not helpful.

The first is to try to fix them or cheer them up. We offer suggestions on how to get rid of the feelings. Or we try to distract them, as if they were children that need to be redirected. Or we offer lame platitudes that only make them feel worse.

The second is to distance ourselves from them as if they carried a contagious disease. And in some ways they do. It is hard to be around people who are sad without us also being infected or affected.  It can be especially difficult during a season that is naturally joyful for us, or where we are having a hard time accessing the spirit for ourselves.

We, as a culture, don’t seem to deal well with grief in ourselves or others. There is a tendency towards denial of our limitations, whether dealing with our or others lifespan, our accomplishments, our capabilities or other forms of personal power. But we are limited, and when we come up against one of these barriers, there is loss involved, and where there is loss there is sadness. We feel our powerlessness and lack of control and we grieve.

So what do we do when we find ourselves with friends and family experiencing the holiday blues?

We come alongside. We just sit with them and listen to them. We offer the warmth of our presence, our smiles and our touch. We offer them a safe haven and let them grieve.

What if we are the one going through the sadness?

We need to not isolate from people. We need to seek community and get involved. We need to let people comfort us when they are willing. And we need to look outward and try to focus on others. Nothing seems to lift our spirit like serving others in some capacity.

One way to change negative associations with the holidays is to build new, positive memories. We can initiate new rituals (like participating in volunteer efforts) and respond affirmatively to invitations to gather.

So where is the joy?

We can turn to God in prayer. We serve a God who understands our pain. Jesus experienced great loss and pain during his time in the world. He knew He could not leave us alone in our suffering and so He sent His Holy Spirit to dwell with us and comfort us. He promised that He would turn our mourning into dancing.   

2 Corinthians 1:    ³ All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. ⁴ He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 

Embracing Our Challenges

I think one of the hardest things to do is admit the areas of our life that are flawed and in need of rehabilitation. There are parts of my personality that I was either born with or developed over my lifetime that I wish weren’t there. There are two ways to deal with them – one works and the other doesn’t.

The first way is the path of blame; to see my issues as other people’s problems.

“It’s not me, it’s them. I don’t have to change; they need to change to accommodate my behavior.”

This attitude can be particularly evident with certain disorders. (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, etc.)

The problem with taking this tack is that people will eventually keep you at an arm’s length or farther. There is a limit to what most people are willing to put up with. Interactions will be frustrating and unsatisfying as you seek to be loved and accepted.

The other way is the path of humility. This way is harder at first, because it requires changes to many of our habits and coping methods. But eventually it leads us into deeper relationships with others who will embrace us and help us with our struggles.

For example, if I struggle with compulsive neatness, instead of demanding that others maintain my standards I might say:

“Clutter really causes me anxiety. I know it’s my issue, but anything you could do to help me keep things picked up would really be appreciated.”   

Or perhaps you have the opposite problem as with Attention Deficit Disorder. You might say:

“I have a hard time remembering to turn off lights, close doors and drawers, and put things away after I use them. I would appreciate it if you would remind me nicely if you see me forgetting to do these things.”

It really is hard to break denial and take responsibility for our shortcomings. The people who make little progress in counseling are the ones who fail to do so. They may resist because of fear, or arrogance, or contempt, or stubbornness, or just plain blindness.

But those who are able to surrender in humility will more likely find themselves laboring along with friendly travelers.

Emotional Detachment vs. Relational Cutoff

I was reading through a list of acronyms Alcoholics Anonymous uses to remember concepts and was most struck by one in particular.

DETACH – Don’t Even Think About Changing Him/Her.

Sometimes during counseling, a client will ask for clarification on what “loving detachment” looks like (a solution CODA suggests). Explanation is needed because it is often inaccurately interpreted as “emotional cutoff”. Emotional cutoff is an extreme measure not to be used except in the most toxic of circumstances.

Loving detachment can be most easily described as the emotional distance required to keep from being negatively triggered by another person. When I have found that degree of separation, I can remain nonreactive to their behavior and as a result not build up resentments towards them. I am protecting both of us – me, from their maladaptive actions or manipulations, and them from my angry or inappropriate responses. When I find that “right distance” I can love them despite their harmful behaviors.

Emotional cutoff, as opposed to distancing, is a total shutout of connection with the person. Dr. John Gottman calls this “stonewalling” – not allowing anything said by a person to have any effect on me whatsoever. (All your words are thrown against a stone wall – an impenetrable barrier.)

I could describe loving detachment as an effective filter, letting through only the useful content to maintain a healthy relationship, whereas emotional cutoff filters out all incoming information of a feeling nature.

Jesus called for us to love our enemies, not to hate them. (Matthew 5:44) When we are locked in an emotional struggle with a person, even someone we care for deeply, they can feel like an enemy. It makes it very hard for us to love them. But we are still required to do so.    

I know that I am at the right distance when I no longer feel the need to try to control them. At that distance I can accept them (not their behavior) and I give up my false belief that I have the power to change them. At that place, I have freedom in a new way. I am no longer slave to the relationship, and I will not sit down to breakfast with a bowl of resentment and regret.

So when that urge comes to try to change someone, you are too close. DETACH!

Primary Hurts Produce Maladaptive Coping Behaviors

Influenced by a mini seminar that Nan & I took, I have been concentrating on primary hurts and the resulting wounds that drive our fears, which in turn drives our coping mechanisms.

What are you afraid of? Being alone (physically or emotionally)? Being controlled? Losing your identity (sense of self)? Being taken advantage of in relationships? Being unsafe?

All of these fears will determine the kind of behaviors you may adopt in order to cope with life. Unfortunately, many of these protective actions are relationally harmful – and ultimately work against the very things you are trying to achieve.

You may become angry, controlling, hostile, or manipulative – or clingy, needy and self-pitying.  

You may resort to blaming or shaming (yourself or others), withdraw to isolate or pout, surrender to depression, anxiety or addictions such as drinking, drugging, shopping, eating or entertainment.

If you were to trace backwards from these behaviors, you would probably become aware of the primary hurts that you are reacting to.  Did you feel rejected as a child (unheard, unimportant)? Was there abuse or abandonment in your past? Were you shamed or harshly criticized and made to feel inadequate, ugly, stupid – never measuring up to some unreasonable or unknowable standard?

Whatever the wound might be¸ there is usually a coping behavior that resulted (stimulus-response). So what can you do about it?

The first thing is to acknowledge the hurts. You may have to search for them or pray for God to reveal them to you before you have a full inventory. Some of the hurts are obvious, but some might be more subtle. Were there movies or art or music that triggered a feeling that surprised you? Was there ever a release of tears that caught you unaware and didn’t seem to make logical sense? What was happening at that moment? What might you be remembering at a feeling level?

Once the hurts are known you must grieve the losses. You most likely will have already felt the pain of the losses, but you may have not fully accepted them. Accepting the losses means you will give up your expectation of anyone having to make up for the deficits whether they are the source of your pain or someone else (like a mate). It means forgiving, letting go and moving on. I find that it is especially hard when it is unrepentant parents, ex-spouses, siblings and the like who are still around. If you hold reconciliation, repentance, restitution or sometimes even their acknowledgement of your hurt as your goal, you may become stuck.

Lastly, you must invite God into the painful memories and ask Him to comfort you. This can be done alone, but often it helps to do this with a caring friend or perhaps your life group (if you are in a safe one).

Forgiveness as the end product of grief is a spiritual and supernatural process. It is done on faith, with the hope of growth that produces maturity and joy.

Psalm 147:3 (NLT) He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

Depression

One of the most common and insidious issues that counselors deal with is that of depression. Sometimes it is really hard to recognize and at other times obvious but challenging to treat. There are times when it is very deep, but temporary as opposed to less significant, but pervasive.

Here are some myths and truths about depression that can help you to navigate through the muddy waters, largely borrowed from Web MD.

Myths about depression:

1.  Hard work beats depression. Overwork is often a sign of depression, rather than a cure – especially in men.
2.  It’s not a real illness.  Depression affects nearly one in six people and can be a serious illness. It is the leading cause of disability in the U.S.
3. Depression is just self-pity. People that suffer from clinical depression are not lazy or weak. It is a medical condition that affects the brain.
4. Help means drugs for life. Some studies have shown that “talk therapy” can be as effective for mild to moderate depression, however moving through the depression can often be accelerated by medications. It may only be needed temporarily – a bridge across. For deeper depression medications are necessary, but still may not be a lifelong need.
5. Depressed people cry a lot. That is not always true. Some depressed people do not seem sad. They may just emotionally withdraw or suffer feelings of worthlessness or act out in anger.
6. Depression is part of aging. Most older people actually do quite fine, but depression can be overlooked because the symptoms are somewhat different. Aches and pains increase, food is not so appealing, interest in activities is diminished.    
7. Talking makes things worse. Actually it is just the opposite. Sharing the burden is part of the solution. That is why therapy works.
8. Teens are unhappy by nature. Teens often are moody, irritable and argumentative – but not depressed. If moods of sadness last over two weeks it might be good to check it out. Statistically, one in eleven teens develops depression.
9. Depression is hard to treat.  Occasionally depression is treatment resistant, but over 70% of people treated with medications alone eventually became symptom free -- and an even higher percentage when combined with therapy.

Facts about depression:

1.    Men fly under the radar. Men don’t tend to talk about their feelings and are often more difficult to diagnose. They are more likely to act out depression in anger, irritability, or restlessness -- and “self- medicate” by drinking, and other reckless behaviors.

2.    Anyone can get depressed. Women are twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression – but that is because they are most likely to seek help and to admit feelings.

3.   It can sneak up slowly. Depression can be progressive – an increase in symptoms over a long period of time. It can also be a chronic low-level malaise that sucks the life out of your work and relationships.

4.   Family history is not destiny. You may have an elevated risk based on family history, but it is not a sentence for life. Managing life stressors and getting counseling when needed will often hold it at bay.

5.  Depression imitates dementia. In older adults confusion, memory problems and occasionally even delusions can be the result of depression and can often be misdiagnosed as dementia.

6.   Positive thinking may help. Getting a hold of our negative self-talk and taking our thoughts captive in prayer and meditation may have a very positive effect. See Philippians 4:8

7.   Exercise is good medicine. Moderately intense exercise, especially in community or with friends is very helpful to combat the symptoms of mild to moderate depression.

8.  It’s not always depression. Sometimes it really is just grief, sadness and disappointment from negative life events. If the sadness from these events does not eventually lift but becomes chronic in nature, then it is time to check for depression.

9.   Hope for better days is real. Remember that it is hard to feel hopeful when caught in the clutches of depression. But depression is treatable and coping skills can be acquired.

If you or a loved one is either suffering from depression or unsure if you are – please get help. Better days are yet to come.

You might want to check this out:
http://www.dts.edu/media/play/a-christian-looks-at-depression-tom-nelson/

Crisis or Chronic?

It is very typical for someone to come to counseling when in a crisis situation. That is the time when a person has the most ‘felt need’ to seek some relief from pain or fear or loss.
But the other condition under which people will seek help is when stuck in a chronic situation.

A crisis is defined as: a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life. It usually has the condition of being immediate and time limited.

On the other hand a chronic condition is defined as: continuing a long time or recurring frequently.

Both of these situations have the potential to cause great pain in a person’s life. And both of them have an additional risk of generating feelings of hopelessness.

When a crisis is not handled well it could turn into a chronic situation. This might occur if we do not face a situation head on, and allow it to get worse over time. That is why it is important to grieve losses, and to refrain from burying feelings, except as a temporary protection until we have enough strength to process the loss.

We can even have both conditions present at the same time, when a chronic condition erupts into periodic crises. For example, I can be chronically late, but when I miss an essential airline flight it might become a crisis.

• Not all crises turn into losses, but all crises generate anxiety and fear and can cause secondary problems. In a relationship a secondary problem might be having to deal with the hurt feelings I caused because I got angry and impatient in my anxiety. In my personal life I might deal with a particular crisis by throwing money at it, only to have to face the resulting financial stress when the bills become due.

• Of the two situations, a chronic situation is usually much more difficult to deal with. Behavior patterns may have become deeply embedded  Anger may have had plenty of time to develop into hardened resentment. Hopelessness may have raised its ugly head, obscuring our belief in the promises and comfort of God. And above all it might require a great deal more time and effort to break free of its grip.

We sometimes have the ability to hold off or prepare for a crisis – but more often we have the opportunity to avoid chronic problems by dealing with them as they come and before they become large.

Just something to think about.