Resentment

Some of the most destructive things a person can collect are resentments: those insidious, soul killing altars of stored up cold anger.

Whenever I encounter deep resentments in a counseling session I know that it’s going to be a long road to recovery. Quick hot anger often leads to quick repentance and forgiveness. But resentment is like flowing lava that has cooled and turned to rock.

How do we guard against collecting resentments?

The most effective way is to process hurts as soon as we can. Those who tend to be avoidant in their conflict style may be more likely to collect hurts and then label themselves a peacemaker (this is a blind spot). Sometimes these hurts will reach capacity and then the person will spew like a volcano, turning volatile – blaming and shaming, all the while feeling justified in their immature behavior. If that doesn’t happen, all those hurts will eventually to stone. The person can become “hard-hearted” -- at least towards those who are perceived as offenders. Whether avoidant or volatile, the results are damaging to a relationship.

The more I resent, the less I love.

I am not saying that we do not have a right to be offended by others bad behaviors. I am simply saying that the failure to process these offenses in a timely manner will likely increase the relational harm. And holding on to these resentments will almost always do more damage to us than others.

We encourage people in our counseling office to lovingly detach from those who wound them on a regular basis. Each wound is a potential resentment, and sometimes only distance can protect them. The goal is to be able to love at a distance if it is not possible to love when more intimately involved.

If I am the offender or I know that someone has something against me, the Bible is clear that I must go to that person and try to set the relationship right. It is my responsibility to try to expiate the hurts before resentment can set in on both sides.

Is it time for you to examine your heart for resentments? Have you been avoiding addressing hurts with someone? Are there relationships where confession, repentance and forgiveness are needed whether you are the offender or not?

Perhaps this could be your sacrifice during this season of Lent (the forty days prior to Easter).

Matt 5: ²³ “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, ²⁴ leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

Romans 12: ¹⁸ Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

Primary Hurts Produce Maladaptive Coping Behaviors

Influenced by a mini seminar that Nan & I took, I have been concentrating on primary hurts and the resulting wounds that drive our fears, which in turn drives our coping mechanisms.

What are you afraid of? Being alone (physically or emotionally)? Being controlled? Losing your identity (sense of self)? Being taken advantage of in relationships? Being unsafe?

All of these fears will determine the kind of behaviors you may adopt in order to cope with life. Unfortunately, many of these protective actions are relationally harmful – and ultimately work against the very things you are trying to achieve.

You may become angry, controlling, hostile, or manipulative – or clingy, needy and self-pitying.  

You may resort to blaming or shaming (yourself or others), withdraw to isolate or pout, surrender to depression, anxiety or addictions such as drinking, drugging, shopping, eating or entertainment.

If you were to trace backwards from these behaviors, you would probably become aware of the primary hurts that you are reacting to.  Did you feel rejected as a child (unheard, unimportant)? Was there abuse or abandonment in your past? Were you shamed or harshly criticized and made to feel inadequate, ugly, stupid – never measuring up to some unreasonable or unknowable standard?

Whatever the wound might be¸ there is usually a coping behavior that resulted (stimulus-response). So what can you do about it?

The first thing is to acknowledge the hurts. You may have to search for them or pray for God to reveal them to you before you have a full inventory. Some of the hurts are obvious, but some might be more subtle. Were there movies or art or music that triggered a feeling that surprised you? Was there ever a release of tears that caught you unaware and didn’t seem to make logical sense? What was happening at that moment? What might you be remembering at a feeling level?

Once the hurts are known you must grieve the losses. You most likely will have already felt the pain of the losses, but you may have not fully accepted them. Accepting the losses means you will give up your expectation of anyone having to make up for the deficits whether they are the source of your pain or someone else (like a mate). It means forgiving, letting go and moving on. I find that it is especially hard when it is unrepentant parents, ex-spouses, siblings and the like who are still around. If you hold reconciliation, repentance, restitution or sometimes even their acknowledgement of your hurt as your goal, you may become stuck.

Lastly, you must invite God into the painful memories and ask Him to comfort you. This can be done alone, but often it helps to do this with a caring friend or perhaps your life group (if you are in a safe one).

Forgiveness as the end product of grief is a spiritual and supernatural process. It is done on faith, with the hope of growth that produces maturity and joy.

Psalm 147:3 (NLT) He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.