Sex and Guilt

“The great tragedy is not masturbation or fornication or pornography. The tragedy is that Satan uses guilt from these failures to strip you of every radical dream you ever had or might have. In their place, he gives you a happy, safe, secure, American life of superficial pleasures, until you die in your lakeside rocking chair.” John Piper – October 19, 2007 Christianity Today

I was struck by this quote on a week where I have been thinking about sex and guilt and how it is a bigger problem than people might think. I was particularly concerned because of the shame and guilt that many pre-married couples feel as they prepare to join their lives together permanently.

In the privacy of the counseling room both men and women will express regrets at having crossed over boundaries that they knew to be against their values. However, not surprisingly it is women who seem to carry a bigger burden in this area. Premarital sex and extramarital affairs seem to reach deeper into a woman’s heart. I would want this message to be especially heeded by men because they might not understand how significant “casual sex” can be for a woman.

I am not implying that women alone carry this. Many men have expressed deep sadness at the damage they have done to themselves and others. They feel unworthy in relationships and disqualified from taking an active part in ministry and leadership.

It was during our teens, twenties and thirties that the “sexual revolution” flourished (from mid 1960’s to mid 1980’s) until the emergence of AIDS slowed it down considerably. During this time, the availability of new birth control, (the pill especially) changed the sexual landscape forever. With the possibility of pregnancy greatly diminished, the old sexual taboos and restraints were largely abandoned.

I would expect that my generation, being the transitional one, would carry guilt deeper than current ones, but that does not seem to be true. The younger generations may engage in sex outside of marriage at a greater rate because of changed societal values, but the percentages of associated guilt appear to remain steady, at least within the church body.

Is guilt bad? 

• It isn’t when it becomes a positive change agent in our lives. It motivates us to make course corrections when we are headed in the wrong direction. 

• It isn’t when it allows us to feel empathy or compassion for others. 

• It is if it drives us away from God instead of towards Him. 

• It is if it keeps us stuck in shame patterns that are toxic. 

• It is if, as the opening quote states, it kills our dreams of doing anything significant because we think we are disqualified as a result of our sexual behavior.

I am always encouraged when a weekend sermon coincides with a blog post I had been working on, like this week’s. It validates the subject for me.

This week's sermon reminded me that God has a plan for us when we have sinned against Him and others with our sexuality. We do not have to carry the guilt, but through confession and repentance can be forgiven and restored. We are then free to move on with our radical dreams.

My Lips Are Sealed

He was oppressed and treated harshly,
    yet he never said a word.
He was led like a lamb to the slaughter.
    And as a sheep is silent before the shearers,
    he did not open his mouth. (Isaiah 53:7)

I was thinking about this passage today and what it might say about a defensive attitude. How many times have I failed to keep silent when it would have been the best choice for relational harmony? How many times did I not choose the path of (what would feel like) suffering for the right reason?

Maybe you are like me and think that you should have a retort for everything. You might think that to fail to answer a criticism would be weak. Was Jesus weak in the above passage?

I think Jesus knew his mission and would not stray from it. He had a focus on the big picture that governed his behavior and his attitude.

It could be the same with us. When we get frustrated in our marriages and other relationships we can keep a macro outlook and let things go without challenging them. It is not immediately satisfying, but godly humility is the road to emotional maturity. Is that a goal of yours?

I am not advocating passively tolerating real abuse in a relationship. That is a condition that calls for immediate and appropriate action. It requires that we speak up. But what some might interpret as emotional abuse could actually be disagreement. Can you accept that people will not always agree with you and refrain from pushing back? Is preserving a relationship more important to you than winning an argument?

To paraphrase our pastor recently, “Forgiving is choosing to suffer, instead of holding onto our right to make someone else suffer.” It hurts to hold our tongue when we feel slighted or misunderstood. It doesn’t feel fair. Again, it feels weak. But if I’m a big picture guy I understand that my mission is to glorify Christ with my life. Sometimes that requires making sacrifices that almost feel untenable. Perhaps, that especially means surrendering my pride.

I have noticed that this defensive posture is a learned automatic response in most people. In other words, it is a deeply ingrained habit. And we all know that it takes awareness, desire, and above all, intentional, often painful work to break any habit. And for this one, often there is no immediate reward. The reward comes as a relationship improves over time.   

I have found that it is easy to receive mercy and grace – not so much to give it. A non-defensive attitude is an incredibly precious gift that you have to offer in any relationship. 

Saying “I Do or I Don’t”

It is always an anxious moment for a pre-married or pre-engaged client when they ask us this age-old question:

“Should I ask her to marry me?”

I almost never answer this question directly. I don’t believe I should be given this much power in someone else’s life. But what I do is try to lead them through some questions that might help them make a good decision. If we are seeing a couple that is undecided, we often ask them to do a homework assignment from a workbook that guides them through this process. We ask them to take a personal retreat and seek God for an answer.

Confusion over this decision may come when boundaries have been crossed. A relationship may have become too intimate too quickly – especially when sexual boundaries have been discarded. We may feel very close, allowing our heart to rule over our head. Feeling close is not the same as being well-matched. It’s especially easy to ignore important signs when a relationship is relatively new and in the infatuation stage (less than six months or so).

This heart over head, or head over heart question is extremely important to the longevity of a relationship. If out of balance you may be opening up your life to either chaos or coldness, which might not be sustainable. 

Ask yourself these questions: 

• Will he/she make a good parent?
• Can I trust this person completely?
• Will I fit into his/her family system?
• Do we have common goals?
• Is there any hint of abusiveness, physical or emotional?
• Is he/she emotionally mature?
• Are there any addictions that are not healed (drugs, alcohol, spending, sex)?
• Are there any character issues that worry me (lying, angry, irresponsible, needy)?
• Will we be partners, both carrying the weight of the relationship or will one person function more like a dependent child?
• Do we resolve conflict effectively?
• Do we apologize and forgive easily?
• Is he/she possessive, jealous, manipulative or controlling?
• Do I feel safe with this person? 

Intense feelings of love are not sufficient to sustain a lifetime marriage. The right questions have more to do with direction, purpose, respect, integrity and commitment. Those are questions that have to be answered with courage and rigorous honesty. 

A good goodbye is so much better than a painful life.   

If you are married, and struggling with some of these issues, take heart. There is always an opportunity to heal old wounds, build some relationship skills, and change some bad habits. Those things also take courage, honesty and just plain hard work. You may have to lead the process in your relationship. Start with prayer, surrender your heart, and get good counsel.  

Bitterness

There are times as a counselor when I feel a deep sadness along with a large dollop of frustration. I expect to feel sad as I hear of people’s pain. It is just plain hard to listen to the results of sin, regret, and/or natural or unfortunate circumstances in the lives of people.

But my frustration comes when progress is blocked by a client tenaciously holding on to something of a destructive nature that yields no possible benefit.

Bitterness is one of these with disastrous relational results.

Bitterness separates parents from children, husbands from wives, and congregants from churches. It can rip close friends apart from one another leaving both lonely and dissatisfied. Why would we hold on to such a destructive force as cold resentment when we are quite aware of how it hurts us and others?    

The answer is not very pretty: It is power that can be used to control or punish others and justify our bad behavior. I give myself permission to withhold love and approval. I build a fortress of protection from relational risk. But I am also out of the will of God.

There are times when it is appropriate to set boundaries with people in order to stop or prevent damage. But these boundaries must be set with love with a goal towards restoration, if possible. How can we move towards reconciliation if our heart is cold and hard?

In bitterness spouses will withhold conversation, friendliness or sex, or communicate only in anger, sarcasm or irritability, needlessly maintaining walls of separation. The results are a loveless or shallow marriage. Children will become rebellious and disrespectful and parents will deny the nurturance that all sons and daughter need to become healthy adults.

The Bible says that forgiveness (as opposed to reconciliation) is not an option. And the truth is that often we are the only one that suffers as our heart shuts down. The ability to forgive is both an act of the will and an act of obedience. It is also a supernatural occurrence because the truth is that I rarely feel the strength or the inclination. Can I really utter the words “not my will but thy will be done” in my humanness?

It is with love that I write these words because my joy is in seeing reconciliation and restoration in the lives of people I care about. It is always difficult to be the one who takes a risk and makes a first move. Often that first move is internal, allowing God to work on our hearts. It is a surrender to love that far surpasses our ability to comprehend it. Only God can effectively remove our bitterroot judgments. And only with our cooperation will He do that.

Eph 4:31-32 (NLT) Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

You're Killing Me, Jesus (no mattresses)

Today I am going to post an excerpt from Tim Keller’s excellent book “The Meaning of Marriage”. It will be a startling revelation for some – as it was for me.

In Mark 11: 25, Jesus says that if you are praying, and you realize that you have something against someone, you must forgive him or her right there. Does that mean you should not confront the person? No, you should, since Jesus in Matthew 18— as well as Paul in Galatians 6 and elsewhere— tells Christians that if someone wrongs them, they should go to the person and discuss their sin. Wait, we say. The Bible says we are supposed to forgive people and then go and confront them? Yes! The reason we are surprised by this is almost always because we confront people who have wronged us as a way of paying them back. By telling them off, we are actually getting revenge. They made us feel bad and now we are going to make them feel bad, too. But this is absolutely deadly. The person you are confronting knows you are doing payback, and he or she will either be devastated or infuriated— or both. You are not really telling the truth for their sake; you are telling it for your sake, and the fruit of that will be grief, bitterness, and despair.

Jesus gives us the solution. 

He says that Christians, knowing that they live only by the forgiving grace of God, must do the work of forgiving wrongdoers in their hearts and then go to confront them. If you do that, the confrontation will be so different. In other words, without the “compound”— the power of forgiving grace in your life— you will use the truth to hurt. The other person will either attack you back or withdraw. Your marriage will go either into a truth-without-love mode, with constant fighting, or a shallow love-without-truth mode, in which both partners simply avoid the underlying problems.

How different confrontations would be if we could follow Jesus’ words. How transformed marriages could be if we learned this lesson. I believe this would empower us to actually "speak the truth in love" instead of in anger or resentment. 

For me this means intentionally praying for people who feel wronged by me, or who I am having feelings of resentment towards. It is not something that I naturally feel motivated to do. In fact, it is usually just the opposite. It all comes down to my willingness to be obedient to Christ. 

What about you? Does this offend you or excite you?

Keller, Timothy (2011-11-01). The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the 

Wisdom of God (pp. 156-157). Penguin Group. 

The False Self

I just finished reading the chapter entitled “The Impostor” from Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning.  It is about the false self -- the shadow personality or projected self that we all have.

The false self always wants to look better than it is – better than it feels. It wants to project an image of being more successful, smarter, more courageous, more confident, more competent, and more emotionally healthy. But it is hiding behind an illusion of its own making.

The ability to present our true selves is critical in dating and marriage. How can I really love you if I don't know who you are down deep. If I don't really know you, then who and what am I saying "yes" to at the marriage alter? This is one of the reasons why taking a reasonable amount of time before becoming engaged is essential. Can you really say you have gotten past the projected image to the real person?

It is always unpleasant to be confronted with our failings and dishonesty, and harder yet to admit them. It is an even more difficult task to actually dig for them. Is the purpose of that kind of exercise to lead us down a path of self condemnation?

Not at all!

Honest self examination should lead us to humility and to self forgiveness. It should bring us to a place where we can accept the reality of our flaws without becoming overwhelmed by them. The failure to do so will often result in hostility towards others and/or hatred or some other form of violence towards our self.

Accepting the existence of our false self does not mean becoming resigned to living out of our false self.  Rather, it means being aware that there is an internal tug-of-war going on that wants to put image ahead of honesty. Let’s face it; it is painful to let others see our uglier, but more honest side. But will they truly know us until they do? Can we accept others’ imperfections until we make peace with our own or will we just become judgmental and harsh with them?

Again, the key is in self forgiveness just as God has forgiven us.

We can move towards maturity and growth and honesty and away from fear, anxiety and self protection when we know that we are acceptable and loved. Intimacy with others grows as we reveal our true selves. Vulnerability with safe people produces closeness, and closeness lets us experience love and acceptance.

Drawing near to God may be our first step in shrinking the false self. He accepts us just as we are, and He loves us unconditionally. And He does so knowing us completely. When He is our focus, we begin to lose some of the need to hold on to our insecurities and defenses. We realize that He protects us and validates us and our identity shifts.

If there are obstacles in the way of your growth, there is always help available by reaching out. 

Good Goodbyes In Dating

There are times when relationships just don’t work out. There is too much damage or too much pain. Or no matter how hard you try, you seem to keep missing each other. You are just too different. All relationships are not meant to succeed. When you are dating, this is sad. When you are engaged it can be devastating.

The decision to separate usually comes after a lot of frustration and maybe a lot of blaming and defending, or even worse behavior. Tempers may be high, and feelings of self-worth may be low. You may feel emotionally depleted, with nothing left to give.

Does it have to end badly? Fortunately, the answer is “NO”

We can have a good good-bye.

Nan and I have been witness to several break-ups, and although it is never easy, it can be constructive and redemptive.  

What does a good goodbye look like?

When the decision has been made and the dust settles, usually a kind of sad peacefulness rests on the relationship. The conflict is over and it is time for the healing to begin. We encourage couples to take turns affirming each other and asking for forgiveness for the ways they have hurt or disappointing each other. It is time to remember all the good parts of the relationship, to express the things that they will miss. The relationship started out hopeful and positive. There was attraction and excitement. These are the words that need to be spoken before parting.

Next the couple goes before God, confessing any wrongdoing or sins connected with the relationship and asking for His forgiveness. The couple finishes by praying for each other and releasing them.

Usually there are many tears of sadness and regret, and some of relief. But there are not the feelings of guilt associated with a bad break-up.    

My Sacrifice

As we are right in the middle of a Resurrection weekend I was thinking of what might be somewhat equivalent in our relational lives to what Christ has done for our spiritual lives.

Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice out of love for us, but what might be an ultimate relationship sacrifice?  

Forgiveness

What a powerful word. Letting go of hurts simply because we can is a sacrifice. Everything inside of me rebels against this concept when I am in pain over a real or perceived offense. And many offenses are not only real, but severe and overwhelming.

I think the hardest times to forgive are when the hurt is ongoing or when the person who has hurt us is not fully acknowledging the offense. This puts us in a tough place. Why would we even want to choose forgiveness in these situations? Why would we want to make this kind of sacrifice?

Primarily, unforgiveness hurts me. It festers inside me like an unhealed wound. It leaks poison and makes me sick. My resentments keep me from feeling at peace.

Secondly, it hurts my relationships. Holding on to offenses may cause me to withhold love, respect or kindness from relationships that I value. Even if the other person is unrepentant I can choose to forgive because it opens the door to restoration. And sometimes that will lead to a softening in the other person that might lead to repentance.

Thirdly, God requires it. To whom much is given, much is required. Do you feel you have been given much? Matthew 6:15, from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, is a powerful admonition:

“But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

I do want to point out a few things, though. Forgiving is not forgetting – it is letting go. Forgiving is not accepting the offender’s behavior as okay – maybe far from it. And forgiving does not require us to move towards reconciliation – especially when it would be unhealthy to do so and open us up to ongoing damage. Some people are just plain unsafe.

I like to say I am taking someone “off my hook” and putting them on God’s – and let Him deal with the person. In doing so I am free.

This Easter weekend perhaps you can examine your relationships and determine if there are places where you need to make the sacrifice of forgiveness.   

Ephesians 4:32. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Primary Hurts Produce Maladaptive Coping Behaviors

Influenced by a mini seminar that Nan & I took, I have been concentrating on primary hurts and the resulting wounds that drive our fears, which in turn drives our coping mechanisms.

What are you afraid of? Being alone (physically or emotionally)? Being controlled? Losing your identity (sense of self)? Being taken advantage of in relationships? Being unsafe?

All of these fears will determine the kind of behaviors you may adopt in order to cope with life. Unfortunately, many of these protective actions are relationally harmful – and ultimately work against the very things you are trying to achieve.

You may become angry, controlling, hostile, or manipulative – or clingy, needy and self-pitying.  

You may resort to blaming or shaming (yourself or others), withdraw to isolate or pout, surrender to depression, anxiety or addictions such as drinking, drugging, shopping, eating or entertainment.

If you were to trace backwards from these behaviors, you would probably become aware of the primary hurts that you are reacting to.  Did you feel rejected as a child (unheard, unimportant)? Was there abuse or abandonment in your past? Were you shamed or harshly criticized and made to feel inadequate, ugly, stupid – never measuring up to some unreasonable or unknowable standard?

Whatever the wound might be¸ there is usually a coping behavior that resulted (stimulus-response). So what can you do about it?

The first thing is to acknowledge the hurts. You may have to search for them or pray for God to reveal them to you before you have a full inventory. Some of the hurts are obvious, but some might be more subtle. Were there movies or art or music that triggered a feeling that surprised you? Was there ever a release of tears that caught you unaware and didn’t seem to make logical sense? What was happening at that moment? What might you be remembering at a feeling level?

Once the hurts are known you must grieve the losses. You most likely will have already felt the pain of the losses, but you may have not fully accepted them. Accepting the losses means you will give up your expectation of anyone having to make up for the deficits whether they are the source of your pain or someone else (like a mate). It means forgiving, letting go and moving on. I find that it is especially hard when it is unrepentant parents, ex-spouses, siblings and the like who are still around. If you hold reconciliation, repentance, restitution or sometimes even their acknowledgement of your hurt as your goal, you may become stuck.

Lastly, you must invite God into the painful memories and ask Him to comfort you. This can be done alone, but often it helps to do this with a caring friend or perhaps your life group (if you are in a safe one).

Forgiveness as the end product of grief is a spiritual and supernatural process. It is done on faith, with the hope of growth that produces maturity and joy.

Psalm 147:3 (NLT) He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

Healing A Hurt

Forgiveness is a word that conjures up a lot of different emotions for most people – particularly depending whether you are on the giving side or the receiving side of the equation. We are told that God requires us to forgive one another, but are there conditions that must be present?

We say that holding on to un-forgiveness or resentments is like swallowing poison but expecting the other person to die. Perhaps in His mercy, God does not want us to suffer the pain of this condition -- and that is why He requires forgiveness. When the forgiveness needed is for oneself, it is particularly meaningful.

Does forgiveness require reconciliation? 

The answer is emphatically NO! Reconciliation is a choice and certain conditions need to be met in order to be reconciled.

First of all we need a sincere apology – we need to know that the person is truly sorry and does not intend to hurt us in this way again. Then there is making amends. Is the offending person willing to make things right in any way possible? Can we be confident that the person will make both the attitude and behavioral changes necessary? If so then reconciliation might be possible.

Lastly, an authentic apology is not an account or an appeasement.

• An account is just admitting what we did – anyone will do that especially if we have been “caught”.

• Appeasement is reciting what we know the other person wants to hear in an effort to stop them from being mad at us or taking punitive steps.

• An apology is heartfelt (they understand the depth of wound they inflicted), and as stated above carries with it the intention of change.

The good news is that real healing can take place when sincere apologies are met with an attitude of forgiveness. So where do you stand? Is there an action step that you need to take?