Unequally Yoked in Dating

One of my clients provoked me to consider the admonition in Scripture for Christians to not be unequally yoked. Most believers would agree that it is clear that it applies in marriage – that a believer should not marry an unbeliever. But what about dating someone who is in a very different spiritual place?

To begin with, what is a yoke? It is something that ties two things together, historically a piece of wood joining two working animals. It lets them pull together and share the load. The animals need to be well matched so that one does not work harder than the other. It also helps them to be going in the same direction.

What happens when we try to pull in different directions?

We will probably get stuck or be in conflict. We will struggle to move forward. Oftentimes what are in conflict are our morals and values. How will we spend our time? What will we watch on television or see at the movies? What do we consider fun? How will we spend our money? What are the physical boundaries on our relationship? What do we believe about cohabitation?   

These same questions can largely be applied to friendships as well. I believe that too much rigidity in this area produces harshness, which is not consistent with our goal of loving people. But friendships can turn into dating relationships, so we must be careful to know where to draw the line. We can have very moral friends that agree with our values, but it breaks down when we get to spiritual matters. We would not want to be married to someone who does not share our faith, our passion for God or our commitment to the church.

So where does that leave us?

We must be very careful not to form romantic bonds with someone who is not aligned with our spiritual journey. That does not mean that they must experience God in the same way that we do – some relate best to God through worship music while others are deeply moved by the study of scripture. Still others are very contemplative in their style – but the focus and the goal is the same. We must be in agreement on the essentials of our faith.

I really feel for those who have difficultly finding dates, who are lonely, and welcome any connection with someone of the opposite sex. And I also feel sad for those who have formed unequal relationships that put them in a lot of conflict with their personal values, especially those who are married.  

I would love to hear any comments you might have on this subject. Please use the comment box below. 

You're Killing Me, Jesus (no mattresses)

Today I am going to post an excerpt from Tim Keller’s excellent book “The Meaning of Marriage”. It will be a startling revelation for some – as it was for me.

In Mark 11: 25, Jesus says that if you are praying, and you realize that you have something against someone, you must forgive him or her right there. Does that mean you should not confront the person? No, you should, since Jesus in Matthew 18— as well as Paul in Galatians 6 and elsewhere— tells Christians that if someone wrongs them, they should go to the person and discuss their sin. Wait, we say. The Bible says we are supposed to forgive people and then go and confront them? Yes! The reason we are surprised by this is almost always because we confront people who have wronged us as a way of paying them back. By telling them off, we are actually getting revenge. They made us feel bad and now we are going to make them feel bad, too. But this is absolutely deadly. The person you are confronting knows you are doing payback, and he or she will either be devastated or infuriated— or both. You are not really telling the truth for their sake; you are telling it for your sake, and the fruit of that will be grief, bitterness, and despair.

Jesus gives us the solution. 

He says that Christians, knowing that they live only by the forgiving grace of God, must do the work of forgiving wrongdoers in their hearts and then go to confront them. If you do that, the confrontation will be so different. In other words, without the “compound”— the power of forgiving grace in your life— you will use the truth to hurt. The other person will either attack you back or withdraw. Your marriage will go either into a truth-without-love mode, with constant fighting, or a shallow love-without-truth mode, in which both partners simply avoid the underlying problems.

How different confrontations would be if we could follow Jesus’ words. How transformed marriages could be if we learned this lesson. I believe this would empower us to actually "speak the truth in love" instead of in anger or resentment. 

For me this means intentionally praying for people who feel wronged by me, or who I am having feelings of resentment towards. It is not something that I naturally feel motivated to do. In fact, it is usually just the opposite. It all comes down to my willingness to be obedient to Christ. 

What about you? Does this offend you or excite you?

Keller, Timothy (2011-11-01). The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the 

Wisdom of God (pp. 156-157). Penguin Group. 

Relational Drama

I must admit that for a while I was fascinated by the “reality” television shows. I suspect that I, like all the other viewers, have this inner voyeuristic bent that is curious to know how other people live behind closed doors.

Do people really fight that often and treat each other that harshly?  Is jealousy that rampant and are people really that fickle?

Later, I heard from an insider that these shows are actually scripted, and it took away most of the mystique and I soon lost interest. But the truth is that many people live out daily drama in their lives – and that is not a good thing.

I made a statement today at our pre-marrieds class that I truly believe:

“The higher the drama, the lower the level of maturity.”

Early in our marriage there was a lot of drama. There was drama in our dating, and there was drama on our honeymoon. It seems that we dragged all kinds of unpacked baggage from our families and our past into our relationship. It felt normal, but normal isn't necessarily healthy. 

In the counseling room we usually spend a lot of time helping people express their feelings. The belief is that if we can help them articulate their feelings they will discover their needs as well and be able to ask for them to be met (note: needs, not necessarily wants).

I wonder if we spend as much time as we should helping some people contain their feelings and manage their emotions.  In essence, do we encourage a higher level of emotional maturity which also (according to Pastor Peter Scazzero) leads to spiritual maturity? As a matter of fact, he says it is impossible to achieve spiritual maturity while remaining emotionally immature. 

The mature, healthy relationship contains little or no drama.

The Bible is full of help with gaining maturity. I particularly like the book of Proverbs for life lessons. It is probably the most significant of the books of wisdom and that is why most Bible reading plans include a daily verse or two from Proverbs.

There are 31 chapters in Proverbs and 31 days in most calendar months. I would challenge everyone to read a chapter a day, and then begin again with the new month. At the end of a year I would bet that the maturity level of every participant would increase significantly.

What do you think? How is the level of drama in your life and relationships? Is there some work that needs to be done? Are you the center or initiator of conflict, or does it seem to follow you around? Can you find ways to minimize the drama by changing your behavior? Would you consider reading a chapter a day from Proverbs for a year?  

A Powerful Question

One of the questions I will sometimes ask a new client is this:

“If this counseling process is successful, what will be different in your life/relationship?”

It is a powerful way to help a client define goals so that we might be able to measure progress and success. Most will respond with a variation on one of these two themes:

1. I will be out of pain

2. I will be happy (with myself, my situation or my relationship).

Although these can be good short-term goals for counseling, they should not be the only ones because they often do not speak to deeper issues. Sometimes healing is found in the direction of pain. Sometimes doing the right thing will make us unhappy (at least for a while). Rarely do people answer the question with a response like this:

“I will have increased in my emotional, relational and spiritual maturity.”

Now, to be fair, some do. They tend to be the ones who are headed for deeper levels of integrity in their lives. They understand the toughness of the battle that is before them, and they can also envision the rewards. Make no mistake about it – it is hard to say yes to the right things, and to deny ourselves things that we desire but are counter to our growth.

What is the feeling you get when you think of self-restraint? Do you feel angry or sad or controlled? Do you feel exited about the challenge? Do you feel good about yourself because you are doing well at managing your temptations?

If I were to be completely honest I would have to admit that I rarely feel good about restraint in the moment. It is mostly in reflection that I appreciate my self-controlled responses and understand the value of unspoken words or actions.  

Regardless of how you feel, who you are is God’s Beloved Child – and deeply accepting that reality should be your highest goal. It may not eliminate your pain, but it will give you a reason to be joyful.

One good book that I recommend is Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero. His basic premise is that it is impossible to mature spiritually while remaining emotionally immature.

Just something to think about.

The False Self

I just finished reading the chapter entitled “The Impostor” from Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning.  It is about the false self -- the shadow personality or projected self that we all have.

The false self always wants to look better than it is – better than it feels. It wants to project an image of being more successful, smarter, more courageous, more confident, more competent, and more emotionally healthy. But it is hiding behind an illusion of its own making.

The ability to present our true selves is critical in dating and marriage. How can I really love you if I don't know who you are down deep. If I don't really know you, then who and what am I saying "yes" to at the marriage alter? This is one of the reasons why taking a reasonable amount of time before becoming engaged is essential. Can you really say you have gotten past the projected image to the real person?

It is always unpleasant to be confronted with our failings and dishonesty, and harder yet to admit them. It is an even more difficult task to actually dig for them. Is the purpose of that kind of exercise to lead us down a path of self condemnation?

Not at all!

Honest self examination should lead us to humility and to self forgiveness. It should bring us to a place where we can accept the reality of our flaws without becoming overwhelmed by them. The failure to do so will often result in hostility towards others and/or hatred or some other form of violence towards our self.

Accepting the existence of our false self does not mean becoming resigned to living out of our false self.  Rather, it means being aware that there is an internal tug-of-war going on that wants to put image ahead of honesty. Let’s face it; it is painful to let others see our uglier, but more honest side. But will they truly know us until they do? Can we accept others’ imperfections until we make peace with our own or will we just become judgmental and harsh with them?

Again, the key is in self forgiveness just as God has forgiven us.

We can move towards maturity and growth and honesty and away from fear, anxiety and self protection when we know that we are acceptable and loved. Intimacy with others grows as we reveal our true selves. Vulnerability with safe people produces closeness, and closeness lets us experience love and acceptance.

Drawing near to God may be our first step in shrinking the false self. He accepts us just as we are, and He loves us unconditionally. And He does so knowing us completely. When He is our focus, we begin to lose some of the need to hold on to our insecurities and defenses. We realize that He protects us and validates us and our identity shifts.

If there are obstacles in the way of your growth, there is always help available by reaching out. 

The Short Life

As I was sitting in front of another young squabbling couple the other day I thought to myself, “Life is so short. Do you really want to spend this precious time arguing over relatively minor issues, when you could be enjoying the one and only life you have?”

Then I thought, “I wonder how many people have thought that about me, when I complained about something inconsequential.”

These days Nan and I get through most conflicts in less than five minutes – tops. But, sometimes I forget how long it has taken to get to this point. I can assure you that we started out passionate fighters, full of self-righteousness and indignant with offenses.    

I don’t know exactly when this started to slow down, but I don’t think it had to do with running out of energy for conflict. I think it had more to do with becoming more emotionally and spiritually mature (as a result of lots of hours of counseling). It became harder and harder to reconcile our emotional immaturity with the Word of God.

Maturity is not a result of growing older. It’s a state of the mind and heart. I know people in their 50’s, 60’s and older who are still operating emotionally the way they did in their teen years. It is sad to watch. But I also know young adults who have understanding way beyond their years.

What is the key to achieving this?

I think three things are required, minimum. One is desire, the second is education and the third is humility.

Truly, I must want to grow, see the value in growth, and accept nothing less than growth. We are not going to follow through with anything that we do not believe in. Our actions will always follow our beliefs. My desire to have right beliefs must be intense.

There is usually a point in counseling where the focus shifts from establishing what changes are needed to the question of how to make those changes. I have found that this is often the missing piece, and this is where information and education is necessary. And this is where active learners often have an advantage. They are hungry for insight and will pursue many avenues to gain it.

Lastly is humility. Change is hard. Bad habits do not die easily. They must be aggressively squashed. To do that requires a kind of surrender that is not part of my nature. It probably isn’t your nature either. It often means admitting that I am wrong, that I have failed in some areas, and that I am part of the problem (most couples come in for counseling with the goal of changing their partner). It means staying quiet when everything inside of me is screaming to be heard.

So what is the goal?

Maybe, like us, it is getting your conflicts resolved in less than five minutes and returning to joy, because life is short.    

Meaningful Rituals

             I have always thought it interesting that places of worship see increased attendance during holidays. Do people suddenly “get religious”? I don’t think so. But people obviously see a value in making time to be present at these gatherings.

            For some it is simply tradition. In some fashion it connects us to our history, our culture, family, and childhood. It has no more meaning than that – perhaps a vague hope that there is something bigger than us controlling things. But for others, there is a deeper significance, specifically spiritual. It signifies that there is a semblance of stability in the world and it gives them comfort to know that God is watching over them. And then of course, there are the devout, always in attendance (most of the readers of this blog).

            Regardless of where you might fall in the spectrum of belief, one thing stands out: rituals add value to our lives. They build a sense of connectedness with others and therefore we feel less alone. I think that is why there is an increase in joy for so many of us during the Christmas season. We are reminded that we are part of something greater than just our individual journeys as we celebrate together.

For some, this time of the year reminds us of losses past and present – but even in the midst of the sadness there is opportunity to form new bonds as a way of moving beyond the grief. If we intentionally do not isolate, but remain open to the community around us, this season in particular offers more prospects for connection. People are more likely to gather, to invite, to notice us as they turn their attention outwards. Although we may not always feel like participating, our willingness to both initiate and respond opens up possibilities.

            2000 years ago God initiated in a way that has changed the course of humanity forever – and wise people are still responding. It is our joy that we are a part of that response, and our prayers are for all the broken people, just like us, past, present and future that join to celebrate His birth. Merry Christmas!  

Why Counseling Succeeds (or fails)

One of the reasons we try to establish counseling goals in the first session is so that we know that we are in agreement as to what should happen over the course of the counseling. This is particularly important when the client is a couple. Couples mostly hold the same goals (usually increase communication and reduce conflict), but do not necessarily see the solutions as the same. As a counselor, I want to be sure that I can hold the same goals as the client before I enter into the process. 

Sometimes a client’s goal is to just feel better, and is not yet ready to make needed changes. I may encourage these people to get a prayer partner until they are ready to consider making the necessary changes. Being emotionally ready leads to success. The one obvious exception is grief work. Change is not the goal here, but acceptance of the loss.

Counseling succeeds when the client’s goal is to change themselves rather than another person’s behavior.

• Parents often want to see their children make better choices, and I can usually agree. But for a parent to try to control their children without learning first how to control their own behavior may be a frustrating ordeal for both child and parent. But taking positive charge of the interactions will reduce the drama.

• Spouses usually want change from their partner, but some resist making changes within themselves. They may acknowledge their part of the problem and say they are willing to work on themselves, but there can be a low commitment. Sometimes even promises made in front of the counselor are ignored. Success comes with humility, optimism, patience and forgiveness.

• Counseling succeeds when there is a high consistency in attending the sessions. Clients that stay with the process on a consistent basis usually make quicker progress. Sometimes one person in couple’s counseling attends regularly, while their partner only shows up occasionally. There is a risk that only one person may be maturing while the other person remains the same.

• Counseling has a higher chance of succeeding when the client doesn’t expect the counselor to do the work for them. When the client follows through with “homework” assignments and makes time to practice skills in between sessions the likelihood of success is increased. 

• Success comes when a client holds reasonable expectations for themselves and others. Real change takes time, is incremental, and takes two steps forward and one step back. Focusing on any positive momentum and keeping the goal in mind is essential.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.  (Hebrews 12:1)