Feeling Too Much – Feeling Too Little

 

During one of our counseling sessions a while back Nan made a comment. “We are always encouraging people to express their ‘feelings’, but maybe we need to ask some people to express their feelings less.” I knew what she meant.

Some people are not in touch with their feelings and they minimize or discount them. Those are the people that need to consider the relevance of understanding their feelings. Underlying feelings are still active even if we don’t acknowledge them. They have just been suppressed. Those feelings will automatically direct our behavior, only we won’t fully understand what is happening in the moment.

And unaddressed feelings will often steer us in the wrong direction.

Being overly consumed by our feelings are a liability too. We can believe that our feelings are accurate because they are so intense and ever-present. And that can end up in overreactions that do damage to relationships. We may overrule reality even though our feelings make no rational sense.

The concept of emotional dysregulation is usually attributed to conditions of overreacting and over emoting. But those who suppress feelings may also be dysregulated because they underreact. Properly regulated emotions are proportional to a stimulus or event. Dysregulated people often turn to maladaptive coping mechanisms which cause them additional pain.

I have seen women scream when they see a tiny spider. And I have know men who stand unaffected when witnessing a violent attack. Both are dysregulated.

Why Is This Important?

The ability to effectively deal with reality is based on the accurate interpretation of events. The over-reactor adds content that is not present, but only feared or imagined. The under-reactor subtracts content that is present and relevant, but not desired by them. Both are not prepared to manage life circumstances. Too much or too little is usually a result of learned behavior from past history. It could be the result of deep wounds, or mimicking the family system they grew up in.

In my family I experienced both over and under reactors. And some family members often vacillated between the two positions. At those times it challenged the stability of the environment. Unpredictability leads to fear or chaos. Ask anyone who grew up in an alcoholic family system.

I believe God wants us to operate with maturity in all areas of our lives – spiritually, emotionally and physically. The dysregulated person has regressed to a lower maturity state and can potentially end up hurting others and sinning. As a result their soul suffers.

So much of the work of counseling done by therapists is helping individuals and couples learn to manage their emotions and process their feelings accurately. If this is an area in your life that needs attention do not put off dealing with it. Your community will thank you for it.

Is Crying For Women Only?

I grew up thinking that the phrase “a good cry” was an oxymoron. Those words didn’t fit together in my estimation. It was the same with “good grief”. Huh?

I since have come to realize that both can make sense. How did I form my negative opinion about crying? Perhaps it’s because I heard the admonishment:

“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”

I’ll bet I wasn’t the only one to hear that, either. Whatever. But I think the message was clear – crying isn’t a good thing, maybe especially for boys. Fast forward a lot of years and I learn that perhaps I was a little hasty in my evaluation. This is closer to the truth. 

• Crying actually is one way the body rids itself of certain toxins. What contributes to these toxins? Stress. Tears remove some of the chemicals built up in the body from stress, like the endorphin leucine-enkaphalin. And we all know that stress contributes to higher blood pressure, heart disease and ulcers. 

• Crying kills bacteria.  Tears contain lysozyme which can kill up to 95% of bacteria within 5-10 minutes. How many times do you wipe your eyes not knowing that you are transferring bacteria from your environment? Crying is better than one of Monk’s wipes.

• Crying can elevate our mood. I remember a lyric from an old Joni Mitchell song (People’s Parties):

“Laughing and crying, you know it’s the same release.”

 Laughing makes us feel good, and often so does crying. 

• Crying helps us to get support from other people. Think of a baby. The baby cries out of a need and people hopefully come to its aid. The same can happen for adults. When I cry because of pain or sadness, people will often come to comfort me. It is why being in community is so essential. Crying alone is overrated. 

• What’s the downside of crying? It can be manipulative. A baby cries out of need, but often a toddler cries when he doesn’t get his way. Adults can do the same thing. It is one of the great fears of men when faced with a crying woman. How should I interpret this? Is this something I should take seriously (a legitimate need) or is she trying to control me? If it is the latter he will quickly learn to tune you out. You can only “cry wolf” so many times. So women ask yourself this question: Is comfort enough for me or do I have to get my way? 

Depending on your culture, crying may be normal or extremely hard to do. It may be seen as a weakness, especially for men. Our early messages carry a lot of weight. Also, we have basic temperaments that will contribute to the ease with which we cry. Women seem to have a much easier time. If a “chick flick” doesn’t leave room for crying, it’s not really authentic to the genre. Nan chooses films, books and magazines that make her cry. I never do that on purpose, but sometimes I accidentally get hijacked.

What about you? Where do you stand on crying? Good or bad, necessary or annoying? For girls only?

Oh, by the way -- John 11:35  "Jesus wept." 

Relational Drama

I must admit that for a while I was fascinated by the “reality” television shows. I suspect that I, like all the other viewers, have this inner voyeuristic bent that is curious to know how other people live behind closed doors.

Do people really fight that often and treat each other that harshly?  Is jealousy that rampant and are people really that fickle?

Later, I heard from an insider that these shows are actually scripted, and it took away most of the mystique and I soon lost interest. But the truth is that many people live out daily drama in their lives – and that is not a good thing.

I made a statement today at our pre-marrieds class that I truly believe:

“The higher the drama, the lower the level of maturity.”

Early in our marriage there was a lot of drama. There was drama in our dating, and there was drama on our honeymoon. It seems that we dragged all kinds of unpacked baggage from our families and our past into our relationship. It felt normal, but normal isn't necessarily healthy. 

In the counseling room we usually spend a lot of time helping people express their feelings. The belief is that if we can help them articulate their feelings they will discover their needs as well and be able to ask for them to be met (note: needs, not necessarily wants).

I wonder if we spend as much time as we should helping some people contain their feelings and manage their emotions.  In essence, do we encourage a higher level of emotional maturity which also (according to Pastor Peter Scazzero) leads to spiritual maturity? As a matter of fact, he says it is impossible to achieve spiritual maturity while remaining emotionally immature. 

The mature, healthy relationship contains little or no drama.

The Bible is full of help with gaining maturity. I particularly like the book of Proverbs for life lessons. It is probably the most significant of the books of wisdom and that is why most Bible reading plans include a daily verse or two from Proverbs.

There are 31 chapters in Proverbs and 31 days in most calendar months. I would challenge everyone to read a chapter a day, and then begin again with the new month. At the end of a year I would bet that the maturity level of every participant would increase significantly.

What do you think? How is the level of drama in your life and relationships? Is there some work that needs to be done? Are you the center or initiator of conflict, or does it seem to follow you around? Can you find ways to minimize the drama by changing your behavior? Would you consider reading a chapter a day from Proverbs for a year?  

Adding Points - How Reactive Are You?

Have you ever been in the midst of a conflict and wondered why it got so heated? If you were to stop for a moment and think about it, the issue isn't all that big of a deal, really. So why does it feel so emotionally tense?

It is very likely that you are adding (or subtracting) points. Let me explain.

Let's say that the issue is a rather mild one. You left some clothes on the floor (again). On a scale of one to ten, it's about a two or three. But when you walk in the door that evening your spouse hits you with a scathing appraisal of your character. Wow! Where did that come from? We could say that your spouse was reacting at an eight or nine on the scale. The difference between the three-point issue and the eight-point response is five points. Where did those added points come from?

We call those historical (not hysterical) points. They are points added from our past history. Maybe growing up no one ever listened to us. Maybe the clothes on the floor are just one more request that has been totally ignored. Whatever the reason, the response was not equal to the offence.

Conversely, we can subtract points. A real emergency arises that we might consider an eight on the scale. Someone gets hurt and needs medical attention. Instead of responding quickly and taking action, you take your time and minimize the situation. You express soothing comments, but fail to address the real gravity of the problem. You respond at a three. Those subtracted points are also historical. Perhaps every issue in your family of origin was met by over reactivity. Like those folks around the boy who cried 'wolf' one too many times, you became immune to intense emotional pleas, real or not.

So what do you do?

• If you are over reacting, you must go into a self-soothing mode and remind yourself that your spouse is not the enemy. You ask yourself 'What do I feel, and what do I need?' When you ask yourself what you feel, you can often connect with the historical hurt and realize that those extra points that you are adding belong to someone else (your mom, dad, abuser, etc.) 

• Then you can ask for what you need or would like (as opposed to what you don't want or don't like.) That's a lot harder to do in the heat of the moment than it may sound. You might need to detach from the conflict for a while, and pray and seek God's counsel. If the pattern continues and you cannot seem to respond with the correct amount of intensity equal to the offense, you might need more help such as counseling or recovery classes.

• If you are under reacting, you also need to have a conversation with yourself and make a determined effort to assess the situation accurately. Are you subtracting points because of your family of origin issues? Are you minimizing the situation and needing to respond more aggressively (even if you don't feel the circumstances as deeply as those around you)? The same advice about seeking additional help from God and others applies to you as well.

Don't let the past control your present and your future – let the Holy Spirit be in control of your emotions.