Emotionally Available

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact your are doing. 1Thes 5:11

Have you ever spent a good deal of time with someone and then left feeling like you have no deeper knowledge of them? Or have you shared a vulnerable moment with someone and afterwards you have no clue as to what they are thinking or feeling, and that your story did not “move” them in any way?

You may be with someone who is emotionally unavailable.

Or perhaps I may be describing you.

Emotional availability is the ability to monitor your own feelings and then communicate them to another person. It is also the ability to read other people’s verbal and non-verbal cues accurately, and then respond appropriately (emotional intelligence).

I want to emphasize the word “appropriately” here. There can be a tendency to overshare in an attempt to connect with someone, or to withhold out of fear or anxiety. Oversharing may drive a person away because they might interpret it as neediness on your part, whereas holding on too tight to your feelings may lead them to believe you are emotionally cold.

I suggest a layered approach where you reveal your deeper feelings a little at a time, testing to see how they respond. With each new “layer” you should risk a little more and then see if they are also willing to risk in return. If they cannot, then stop there. If you continue to share after that point with nothing in return you will eventually become hurt and resentful.

I have observed that there is a tendency in some people to consider oversharing a virtue in the name of authenticity and transparency. They want to let a potential candidate for a relationship know all the emotional baggage that they carry, even before that person has a chance to discover all the positive benefits of being in a relationship with them. If this happens on a first encounter, I would be very apprehensive.

But on the other hand, people that are unable to share their deeper feelings (both positive and negative) will probably not be able to sustain a relationship because their partner will feel alone. This is where guessing and mind-reading may enter the picture, often with disastrous results. It takes a lot of frustrating work to pull feelings from an emotionally withholding partner. And you may never know if they are really being honest or just placating you.

So would I advise you to run from an emotionally unavailable person? It depends.

In a dating relationship I would suggest proceeding cautiously and not attempt to take them on as a project. If fear is holding them back and they open up as they relax, there might be potential.

In a marriage, it will probably be necessary to enter counseling as soon as possible to prevent further damage.

How about the person who tends to overshare and parade their emotional damage to you?

Be kind, but cautious as you respond to them.  You many have to set a gentle boundary on the amount of time you will listen to their complaints. Are they engaged in counseling and recovery and being successful in healing the hurt places in their life, or are they stuck or unwilling to get help? Are they growing in maturity both spiritually and emotionally?

You will probably know when you are with an emotionally available and healthy person, because you will feel connected, but not smothered. You will feel relaxed around them, but not bored. You will feel energized, but not find yourself frequently in the middle of a drama, walking on eggshells.

Any thoughts or comments?   

Taking Shortcuts

Are you tempted to take shortcuts like I am?

When I was first married, Nan and I took a driving vacation around California with a side trip to Reno, Nevada. My daily driver was almost identical to the vehicle above – a camper-converted 1960 Ford Vanette. Our subculture was in full swing and this was a very cool ride at the time. However, it was designed for city deliveries, not open road travel. Hence, it was pretty under-powered with a straight six and three on the tree (ask your parents if you need to).

I thought it would be a great idea to take a shortcut across the Sierra Nevada mountains and save some time. Umm, wrong. The climb was steep and we only barely made it on one leg of the road – I think Nan had to get out and push. It may have been a dirt road – I can’t remember. We didn’t see another vehicle the whole time. Anyway, not a way to impress my new bride.

I get in trouble with other shortcuts as well. I try to simplify complicated instructions – I mean, are all those steps REALLY necessary for success? I don’t need ALL the ingredients for a particular recipe, do I? Do I need to wait that long before a second coat of paint? And that primer coat was just a suggestion, right? Maybe you can relate.

We can take relational shortcuts too. After a break in trust there are certain things that need to be done for restoration. It might mean giving your spouse complete access to everything including all your emails, your cell phone, all your social media – everything. Are you willing to surrender your right to privacy? Are you ready to make restitution for any wrong you did? Or do you just want to act like nothing happened? That’s a shortcut.

Some other shortcuts:

• Avoiding premarital preparation
• Having sex before marriage
• Buying things on credit rather than saving for them
• Expecting people to do things for you that you can do for yourself
• Taking action before thinking through a problem
• Engaging in risky weight loss schemes rather than having a long term plan
• Cheating on tests, or copying other people’s answers
• Engaging in illegal pursuits for personal or monetary gains

To drive this point home, today I installed a garbage disposer. It looked pretty much like the one I was replacing. It fit well so I hooked up the plumbing and electrical and everything looked great and it spun around like a champ. I fired up the dishwasher that had been waiting with dishes for a couple of days, but it didn’t drain. Looking at step 15 and 16 on the installation guide (which I ignored), it said:

IMPORTANT “When installing dishwasher drain, knock out plastic plug prior to installing drain hose. 

Enough said.

Argumentative People

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky. Phil 2:14-15 

“I don’t think I’m going to ask her to marry me.”

I was surprised. I had been counseling the couple for a while and they seemed pretty well suited for each other. I asked why. He replied “She challenges everything I say. She has a retort for everything I share. She’s just so argumentative.”

As I thought about their conversations, I could really understand what he was saying. I had missed it because she was just so kind in the way she did it. But it was there. So I did what I thought a good counselor should do. I asked if he would be willing to confront her instead of walking away from the relationship. He agreed to talk about it with her in our counseling session.

What happened should have been predictable. When confronted, she argued with him about his perspective. Fail!

Of course men will do this too.

“He argues with me until he wears me down. He won’t stop – it could go on for hours. Can’t we ever do it my way just once? I can’t take it anymore.”

The truth is, it’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who is always challenging you.

Both genders can feel overwhelmed by the intensity of an argumentative person, leaving them feeling unappreciated and inadequate. Yes, two volatile people might seem to understand each other in the way they do conflict, but they are also the most likely to have 911 called on them. It is usually not a relationship builder.

Why might someone become argumentative?

• I have seen families where this is encouraged. Debating is seen as a way to build strong kids: “Don’t just agree, push back and defend your position.” 

• I have also known people who have overdone it when learning to “find their voice” and protecting themselves from being overpowered. 

• Sometimes it is just a personality trait that has to be brought under the control of the Holy Spirit. 

Are you in a relationship with a disagreeable person and suffering? Are you a disagreeable person and are not fully aware of it? Admitting the truth is the first step to healing. Then work on learning to calm yourself and to seek a win-win compromise instead of a win-lose outcome. 

Do you find yourselves in useless quarrels? We all do. Practice the communication exercise below. You may need help from your counselor. The goal is for both both people to feel heard and understood.

EXERCISE

Practice asking for what you want or need in a clear and direct way by using this template. It

might feel rote, but learning and practicing with these steps will help you stay constructive especially when emotions are heated. 

Start with an affirmation such as: “I know you didn’t intend to” or “I know you are a good

man/woman/mom/daughter, etc” or some other statement of positive intent. 

SPEAKER

1. STATE A FEELING: 

I feel____________________ (use a feeling word) when_________________(describe a situation)

        Important Caution: DO NOT follow the word “feel” above with either “like” or “that” or

        you will be expressing a thought or judgment. 

2. EXPRESS A NEED OR DESIRE: 

And, what I’d like is ___________________________________ 

LISTENER 

In response, your partner does the following:

1. REFLECT: What I hear you say is ______________________________

2. EMPATHIZE: I understand that ___________________________________

3. REASSURE: I want you to know __________________________________ 

Make sure you take turns being the speaker and responder!

Hard and Soft Boundaries

Healthy boundaries protect marriages, relationships and children.

I heard a true story of a rural elementary school that was built on a large piece of real estate. When it was built there was no need to fence it in because there were no safety dangers. The teachers on yard duty just had to keep an eye on the group as they played during recess. As time went on, the adjacent area grew busier and the rural streets were paved and car traffic came closer to the school. The teachers had to set an imaginary boundary for the kids quite a distance from the street for safety. But now the kids’ play area was greatly curtailed. The balls would often roll into the “forbidden zone”, but the kids couldn’t fetch them without adult assistance.

Eventually a high fence was constructed around the play area close to the street that included the formerly off-limits part. The kids could once again use the entire playground because it was safe. Where the imaginary line had been mostly adequate, it had still carried some limitations and risk. This is a great example of soft vs. hard boundaries.

Whether hard or soft, when boundaries are used appropriately they are designed to protect. In relationships they either protect us or others, or both. In abusive relationships, toxic boundaries are usually set to control or manipulate others (“Do that one more time and I leave!”) A soft boundary I might set is to avoid talking about a particular subject (like politics) with certain people. I do not want to cut off the relationship, but I do want to avoid the danger zone. 

Another soft boundary might be with time issues. With someone who is constantly late, I might be flexible to a certain degree – but when they are excessively late I may confront them or cancel an appointment or date. In this case I extend some grace but protect them from my anger or resentment when they push my limit.

When interventions are done with addicts, the family and friends always set a “bottom line”. This is a classic hard boundary – and it is absolutely necessary. It is usually very difficult for the family, but love for the addict compels them to suffer the pain of setting and following through no matter what. But if they waffle on the hard boundary in any way the intervention will be a failure. Softer boundaries can be set when the addict completes treatment.

Setting Boundaries

I hate to set boundaries. I don’t like conflict. I hate for people to be displeased with me. But when we set boundaries, people will be angry or disappointed with us. It is unavoidable. I have had family members voice this to me directly. But I am willing to endure the discomfort in favor of emotional health.

Sometimes we set hard boundaries because we are unwilling to navigate the uncertain waters of softer ones. This is a mistake because it often wrecks or ends relationships. We have to be very careful not to set limits with anger or hostility. The goal is not to punish, but protect.

How about you? Do you struggle with this issue? Do you have a hard time settings limits, perhaps because of codependency? Are you harsh in the way you handle disappointments with people? Are you in denial about the need for certain limits in your life? Are you suffering because you are afraid to make a healthy choice, even when you know it must be done?

Those who are in abusive relationships often struggle the most with this issue. If this is you, get some help. Strengthen yourself by enlisting a support team and experiencing the kind of freedom that God would want for you. You might start by reading the book “Boundaries” by Cloud & Townsend.  

What Kind Of Justice Do You Seek?

For quite a while I have been wrestling with the concepts of fairness and justice. It has certainly been kicked around for hundreds and thousands of years in so many contexts. And for Nan and me it gets talked about a lot in counseling with couples, particularly.

Who is the judge?

If you have ever been around a divorcing couple trying to work out child custody issues, you will likely be torn between both sides of the requests. Each can make really good points why they should have primary custody. They both may have really good arguments about time distribution and money allocation. That is why a judge is required. But what does the judge offer? An opinion.

Issues of fairness are always the result of an opinion. But opinions by definition are not facts, even when they are based on facts. And opinions are biased, even when the judge is doing the best that he/she can do to be neutral. Why? We are human, flawed, and our opinions are formed by our experience and our feelings.

I must say that I often set myself up to be the judge of fairness, as if I have all the facts, all the necessary criteria to make a definitive pronouncement. I remember one time pointing out to friend of mine that he was wearing two different colored socks and that they didn’t match. He assured me that they did match because they were the same thickness. I made a judgment based on my criterion, but he was using a different set of criteria. Who was right?

Why is this important?

When I speak to the issues of fairness and justice I must be careful that I am not assuming the position of absolute moral authority which belongs to God alone. I may be operating out of a blind spot that is damaging to my relationships. My position of certainty may betray my lack of humility and my ability to empathize with others. In the past Nan used to say to me; “Dave, you are too convinced of your own opinion!” Unfortunately, she was right. Of course she wasn’t only speaking of this issue, but of a general blind spot resulting from narcissistic tendencies.

Is it fair or just the way I sometimes treat Nan? Is it fair or just the way she sometimes reacts to me? Would it be fair for her to label me based on her educational training? Would it be fair if I resisted the label? I’m sure that you might have an opinion – but is fair to hold it?

Be careful around these issues. Yes, some things are evil and totally unacceptable and there would be little or no disagreement among civilized people. But with few exceptions, most of what we encounter on a daily basis do not fall into these categories. Remember at all times that love should be our goal (1 Cor. 14:1).

Psalm 9:8 (NLT)  He (God) will judge the world with justice and rule the nations with fairness.

Are Your Words An Encouragement?

 

“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” Ephesians 4:29

Nan and I like listening to fiction books at night. We try to choose carefully so that we don’t over stimulate our brains before bedtime. Nonfiction books, especially those connected to counseling or spirituality, tend to get us thinking about issues connected to our clients and work, so we leave those for mornings. But when I say carefully, we also try especially hard not to choose books that are laced with profanity.

It has always seemed to me that cussing and unsavory language is a form of verbal violence. It is certainly not used to lift up and encourage others. It saddens me that it has become so embedded in our culture, especially in our entertainment. But it has also crept into many people’s daily language. Although I let a lot of it pass me by, I cringe every time someone used God or Jesus in an irreverent manner. I expect God does too.

When it enters the relationship

I have worked with enough couples in counseling to know that profanity is often used as a weapon in fights. F-bombs and cuss words are flung at each other like bullets. How can we claim to love our spouse yet inflict such damage? Parents can do the same thing to their children, causing deep wounds in their tender souls. God’s heart must break as He witnesses these verbal assaults.

Clients will sometimes say that in these conflicts there is a point of no return, that once a threshold has been crossed they are unable to restrain themselves. But I maintain that it is not the truth. We actually give ourselves permission to escalate and retaliate. Interrupted by a cell phone ring, people in the middle of a heated conflict will often answer the phone in a perfectly civil manner. They really are in control of their reactivity.

I remember a time in my twenties that I decided that I would strip my language of any profanity. It seemed unprofessional and low class, and having grown up in a Christian home I also knew that it was ungodly. My parents never swore, and for that I am really grateful. I found self-censoring to be not that difficult, but it did require intentionality.

So, how do you go about changing this if it is a habit?

I would suggest that the first step is deciding. “I am going to do this!” Then keep this decision in the front of your mind. This self-awareness will help you to monitor your speech. If you slip, apologize to the person you are talking to. They may not understand why you are apologizing, but it will help you correct yourself if you have to explain why. Of course the goal would be to find yourself apologizing a lot less. Also, don’t swear silently in your head or under your breath. Get it out of your inner world and clean up your heart. I think of this verse:

“A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.” Luke 6:45 (NLT)

If this speaks to you, does it seem like a difficult challenge? Ask God for victory!

The Owner of Truth - Rigid Not Relational

One of the necessary qualities of a good relationship (or just plain getting along with people in general) is the ability to be flexible. Relationships thrive when there is an attitude of openness, not just toward decisions, but also in ideas and perspective. 

Rigidity kills dialog, and dialog is necessary for mutual respect. And mutual respect is necessary for a close relationship. This does not mean you have to agree with the other person’s conclusions. It means that you are open to hearing them and giving weight to them and be willing to compromise when an action step is required. 

I am not advocating chaos, which is the polar opposite of rigidity. Life needs order and structure – just not too much or too little. In Christ’s time the Pharisees were the picture of rigidity – rules and regulations to be followed without compromise. But Jesus was all about love. He put people first – over schedules and the material aspects of life. He, however, was not without structure – he always kept his mission and purpose in mind. 

The lack of flexibility can come from what might be called ‘truth owning’. This is the belief that ‘I am right and you are wrong’ – and so you must conform to my ways. People that hold this belief too tightly are relational hazards. They can become angry, sometimes very angry, when others do not recognize and surrender to their ‘truth’. They can become dictators in their own family or work place, and people will tend to avoid them or ‘walk on eggshells’ around them. 

If you are one of these truth owners, you have some work to do. You must make modifications to your belief system. Only God is the source or owner of ultimate Truth. Our truth is our perspective and opinion.  

Sometimes our rigidity may come from an obsessive-compulsive nature that needs to be brought under control. If we are unable to do that on our own then we may need help. When our belief is that it does not need to be brought under control (because we are right, and if everyone was like me the world would be a better place) then we may be dealing with a personality issue that needs deeper help.

Proverbs 16:12   There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death.

So, where are you on the flexibility scale?  

Expectations

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Eph 5:21

When we talk about expectations, in terms of relationships, we are usually referring to the behavioral aspects of a relationship; the roles that we are assuming the other will play and the rules that they will follow when we are united.  But, I’ve found that people not only have subconscious expectations of what a person should “do”, but often also who they should ‘be’ or become. This can be the most frustrating and demoralizing thing about the first few years of marriage.

An example of this is when a woman marries a guy who is kind and easy going, and then when married, expects him to become the leader and to be assertive (in the ways she wants him to lead, of course).

Or a man who marries a career gal, who is assertive and motivated, and then wants her to settle down and take care of him and raise kids instead, when this is not something about which they had agreed.

In our pre-marriage class we say, “What you see is what you get.”  If your future mate is laid back and quiet, well, that’s what you get.  If your beloved is upbeat and an extrovert, well, that’s what you get. If you can’t live with them the way they are, don’t choose that person.

What aspects of the person you are dating or married to are the most difficult for you, or the most different from who you are? What adjustments will you have to make to accommodate your differences?

If you are not yet married, how far are you willing to bend, rather than asking him or her to change? Or, if your partner’s behavior is really a problem, how willing are they to develop a new life pattern before you get married? The answers to these questions may predict either a satisfying or a conflicted marriage.

What if you are already married and realize that you did not give enough thought to these questions before you tied the knot?

My only answer is that you must work on mutual acceptance. You must focus on the positive aspects of the relationship that drew you together in the first place. There may be opportunities along the way for you and your partner to grow in the direction of your desires, but change is slow and hard and must be encouraged with kindness.

There may be grief involved in accepting the loss of the way you had hoped things would be. But there is also peace that comes with letting go of unrealistic expectations. 

Are You in a Relationship with a Mean Cat?

Somewhere around third grade I remember visiting a friend from school. He had cats; our family had dogs (and rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, birds, fish and turtles). We loved our pets – they were a significant part of our upbringing. But I wasn’t familiar with cats, and so I was shocked when my friend’s cat turned from purring as I stroked it, to sinking its teeth in me. I’m not talking about a friendly nip, but an aggressive chomp. But as surprised and upset as I was, retaliation was not an option that I considered. 

I bring this up because kindness to animals is a good indicator of character. 

There are psychological disorders where cruelty to animals can be a symptom – Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is one and so is Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopathy). This disregard for animals may eventually translate into abuse (emotional or physical) towards you or those you love. People with these disorders lack empathy. They are not able to identify with the pain of others and so may inflict it carelessly or even with delight! This might be something that can be overlooked or ignored when evaluating a relationship. I’m not implying that you should be looking for and diagnosing a disorder, but rather being aware of unusual behavior. 

I also have concerns about people who hold the value of an animal above or at the same level as people. I believe somewhere along the way they have picked up hurts that have not been resolved. Although God has given life to both humans and animals, He has given a special position to those who have been made in His image. 

A person can be a mean cat, too.

I have always maintained that another good predictor of character is the way a person treats people who serve them, whether a wait person in a restaurant, an employee or a public servant. I watch people in positions of power to see how they care for people. Does the person you are in a relationship with have a natural demeanor of humility or do they seem to think of themselves as better than others? It’s possible that they may see you as inferior in time, and will treat you accordingly. 

We can be confused by what we may view as “high standards” in a person, when in reality it is really a critical spirit or an arrogant attitude. Good character displays good values, and good values include kindness and acceptance of others. Harshness is the result of a cold and unforgiving heart. 

I have friends that naturally seek out those who might normally be disregarded by others, and treat them as equals. I really admire that quality in them. I believe they experience life and love at a deeper level. Their hearts are tuned to a different frequency than most people. You might say they are tuned to a “God frequency”. They take the gift of compassion to a whole new level. 

I think this is a good verse to use for these kinds of evaluations: 

Romans 12:3 - For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.