The Tyranny Of Comparison

 

I have been thinking a lot lately about the tyranny of comparison and how it can lead to toxic competition.

What I define as toxic competition is where I have been comparing myself or a situation I am involved in unfavorably, and then mentally setting up an undeclared contest. This can occur within a friendship, marriage, relationship, or career. Growing up, we always called this “keeping up with the Joneses”. I guess these days we would substitute the Kardashians (or is there a newer version?). But it goes deeper than just the financial impact. It speaks to how I feel about myself, my self worth, my impact on the world, and how I might believe God sees me.

Thinking about this topic brought me back to the book “Soul Keeping” by John Ortberg, where he chronicles his experience with Dallas Willard, the renowned author, theologian and former professor of philosophy at the University of Southern California. Ortberg describes him as being unconcerned about his material surroundings and possessions, but fully present in conversations with people. Willard danced to the beat of a different drum. His focus was on the inner world, the soul of people, free from the competitive forces that drive many people.

The Root Issue

I suspect the root of this issue is the fear that “I am not enough”. Not successful enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough or some other manifestation of insecurity. This self-inflicted tyranny can be painful to bear, and painful to observe in someone we care about. We have seen this toxic competition between husband and wife, and parent and child. The saddest part is that often the spouse or child doesn’t know that they have been enrolled in the contest. They just feel the emotional impact.

This comparison doesn’t just exist between two people. It can be our business vs. your business, or our church vs. your church. It can be my country vs. your country or my race vs. your race or ethnicity. And the results is casting the “other” as the opposition or even an enemy where none exists.

The Solution?

So how do we break away from this trap? I think the answer is twofold. The first is practicing gratitude which leads to contentment. Acknowledging all the blessings we have in our lives at this moment in time keeps us from dwelling on what we lack. Everyone has things to be thankful for, starting with the air that we breathe. The apostle Paul spoke of contentment in Philippians 4:11: “Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.” And again in 1 Timothy 6:6,8: “Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content.” People that are always comparing are discontent. They seem to be driven by the pursuit of “more”. Yes, gratitude and contentment are intertwined, and the combination, when embraced, brings peace to the weary soul.

The second is cultivating cooperation instead of competition. Ecclesiastes 4:9 says: “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.” I can personally attest to this in the business I was in for 44 years. Many of us smaller dental dealers helped each other to survive amid pressure from much larger retailers. The cooperative attitude is actively seeking a win-win outcome rather than an “us against them” attitude.

By the way, I am not talking about a lack of diligence or excellence in our endeavors, or of complacency or laziness. I am talking about examining our heart for the source of our motivation. It’s always a matter of the heart. IYKYK.

Choosing a Mate

Since Nan & I had taught the pre-married/pre-engagement class at church for decades, we spent a good deal of our time with couples in that stage of a relationship. It is undeniable that most had found each other because of an attraction that they felt. Yes, some have been matched through an online service, which hopefully goes deeper than attraction alone. Our belief is that a decision for marriage should be based on a balance of attraction and suitability.

In other words, the head and the heart must be in sync.

What makes a potential mate suitable? When I first saw Nan the thought of assessing her character  never entered my mind. (OK, I was young and maturity helps a bit with the concept). Blind attraction from a chemical wash of the brain makes everything seem possible within a relationship. We might believe we can make a relationship with a person who lives in another country with 2 kids from a former marriage work. Right.

Here are some factors that must be considered.

• Are we of the same spiritual mind? The Christian term is “equally yoked”. 
• If we are of different ethnicities, will our families accept our potential mate? 
• Are we in agreement about children? 
• Do we come from similar socio-economic backgrounds? 
• Does my partner have great character – free from addictions? Are they honest, trustworthy, hard working, kind, dependable, teachable, humble, gentle, not given to fits of anger or rage, etc.? This is foremost in our opinion. 
• Do we communicate well? Is my partner a listener as well as a talker? 
• Can we resolve conflict, or do we give up and go away mad or discouraged? 
• Do we have a financial plan based on reality? Are we both committed to working to make it happen? 
• Is my partner a happy person or do they seem to be critical, complaining, cynical or pessimistic? It is hard to live with a depressed person. 

One of the reasons I think premarital sex is a bad idea, apart from the biblical reasons, is that once we have crossed that boundary our minds are clouded by the closeness we feel. It becomes very difficult to have a balanced perspective. If we also live together we add one more entanglement as well – that of being economically entwined. It is very difficult to extricate ourselves from an unsuitable relationship when we are emotionally, physically and economically connected.

What would you add to my list? What has caused you pain or confusion? Have you had repeated bad break-ups or have you found yourself in a difficult marriage because you ignored the above factors? Are you stuck right now? Or have you chosen well and you are rejoicing with the satisfaction of your relational success? With strength and courage and maybe some help from others there is always hope.

Could You Benefit From Medication?

I wonder how many marriages have kept from blowing apart due the miracle of modern medications. I also wonder how many people have been able to stay out of inpatient facilities because they have been stabilized by good diagnoses and treatment with therapy and medications.

Earlier in the last century none of these interventions were available and choices were limited to some very basic and sometimes harsh methods. Or untreated, a lot of people suffered and the people around them suffered as well.

But that is not the case today. Although some people would claim that medications are over-prescribed, especially for children, the truth is that there are many who would benefit from them, at least for a season. Depression and anxiety are rampant within our complex and stressful culture.

Perhaps because of the illegal drug culture or because of sensational news reporting which has maligned legitimate psychotropic medications, there is still reluctance for some people to embrace these drugs when they would clearly be of benefit. At the core of this reluctance there may be fear or shame, especially for those who have been raised in a very conservative church environment. Fortunately attitudes in most churches have been changing as they see how this attitude has been victimizing the wounded in their midst.

I am delighted to report that in the many years that Nan and I have been counseling we have seen very few adverse reactions, mostly just some temporary side effects. I believe this high success rate has been due in great measure to our clients getting evaluated and treated by highly competent medical professionals. They do their best to stay on top of their clients’ progress and make changes when necessary to optimize the treatment.

Don't Self Sabotage

The most likely failure of treatment comes when a client makes decisions on their own without input from their doctors. Too common is the client who decides to discontinue medication because they are “feeling better” or “don’t like the way it feels”. Also, some are inconsistent with their doses and becomes erratic in their behavior and claim that it isn’t working. There can be some very negative outcomes when medications are discontinued improperly. Your psychiatrist/doctor is your friend and advocate – it’s important to stay connected to him/her.

Of course it is very important to give a full disclosure to your doctor and counselor of anything that you are taking, including alcohol, over-the-counter medications, prescribed medications, self administered herbs and supplements or illegal drugs. It is possible that there could be complications or negative interactions from the wrong mix.

But approached wisely, and with wise counsel there is relief for the many who suffer from a variety of mental challenges. 

Grieving Your Losses

As counselors, one of the phrases that rolls off our tongues easily is:

“You have to grieve your losses.”

“Great” says a lot of clients “How do I do that?”

I really had to think about that for a while. I mean I know how to feel sad, but I am aware that it’s more than that. So I started at the beginning of the grief process as theorized by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying.

The first stage according to Kubler-Ross is denial. I found it interesting that the first step in the “twelve step program of recovery” is breaking denial. But it makes sense – grief is the process of recovery from loss.

When death is the loss, it is pretty easy to identify. It is just so up front and in your face. But there are so many other kinds of losses that we experience, and it may be that we don’t recognize the need to identify them as losses and grieve.

I would ask the question “What loss(es) might you be denying?

Dig deep – go into you history, your past. What do you regret? What things have passed you by? What relationships are unfinished because they didn’t end well, or you said too much or too little and wish you could have a “do-over”?

I know that I have rationalized some of my bad decisions so that I wouldn’t have to admit them as losses – but they really are. Other decisions were made for me and the reality of my powerlessness in those situations is a loss.

Truth be told, I don’t want to grieve my losses. I would rather stay in denial or avoid them. I don’t want to feel sad, or scared or angry. But the problem is that it is highly likely that I will either shut off all my feelings, or I will redirect them into an addiction of some sort. I might not even recognize it as an addiction if the pursuit seems positive, like focusing on a career, or volunteerism, or mastering a musical instrument or acquiring some other skill.

So what is the goal? For me, I would say freedom. Like releasing the air pressure that builds up in a balloon, the grief process releases the stored up pain and allows us to keep moving forward. Women often talk about the relief they feel after a “good cry”.  Guys not so much, but I’ll bet it is still true. But I do know that the first step toward freedom is “owning” our losses, no matter what they might be. Then it is likely that some of the other stages of grief will follow.

The Bible clearly tells us that there is a time for mourning as well as a time for rejoicing. Perhaps it is not possible to do one without making room for the other.

Psalm 30:11 - You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy.

Necessary Endings or “What just happened?”

Back in 2014 I spent five days dismantling a 6000 square foot warehouse facility, tearing down shelving units, moving desks, cabinets, tables, computer equipment, etc. It was tedious, physical labor. It was also the culmination of 44 years in the same career.

The last thing I did was sweep the floor. I swept every corner. It was the same job I started with 44 years ago, and as I did it I thought to myself “This is the last time I will ever do this, and I want to end well.”

It was really a very spiritual experience shutting down the building. It gave finality to a huge part of my life that I didn’t feel when I stopped working my regular sales route a couple of months prior. There simply was no time to think about things in the rush of transferring accounts, consulting people, and signing papers. But the last week there was all kinds of time to reflect while doing the mundane tasks of unscrewing shelves and cutting stuff up.

But it was a necessary ending. The next phase of life was begging for my attention.

There are all kinds of necessary endings. Here are a few I thought of, some of which we may let go of reluctantly.

• Living at our parents house

• A bad relationship

• Our school years

• A comfortable but dead end job

• An affair or an addiction

• An unrealistic dream 

• The single life

For most of us, we will struggle with some of these necessary endings. It will require embracing loss and allowing ourselves to grieve. It will require us to look beyond the present and to believe that there will be good days ahead. Even death offers the possibility of a perfect future. 

I did not have to end my career -- a job was offered to me when we sold our business. I had to actively make a choice to let go and move on. The decision was bathed in prayer for a long time, mine and many others. But it was essential for other dreams to materialize.  

Jesus had a necessary ending, too. It was not an easy decision. It required unbearable suffering and totally surrendering his will to God. 

Hebrews 9:22 (NLT) In fact, according to the law of Moses, nearly everything was purified with blood. For without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness. 

It was necessary that Jesus end his life so that we could be forgiven. And it was an act of unimaginable love for our sake. 

John 15:13 (NLT) There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

Isn't it comforting to know that Jesus calls us His friend?

You might be facing a necessary ending that feels like an unnecessary or unwanted one. The struggle to accept reality is ahead of you. You don't have to do it alone. Gather your tribe and take it to God in prayer. Let the Holy Spirit comfort you through the process.

Can Emotional Intelligence Predict Relationship Success?

As a kid I remember taking all kinds of IQ tests. Some of them were pretty annoying, like the pattern recognition ones. I think those ones kept me out of shop classes. Maybe they thought I would hurt myself or something. Others probably got me into AP classes where I had to work harder for the same grades. Whatever.

These days more and more attention is being paid to the concept of emotional intelligence as a predictor of success in certain areas of life. The business world has used it to determine who will make a good employee or associate. The same criteria might be helpful in determining the probability of success in marriage as well.

Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups.

One model (the ability model) posits that there are four abilities connected with EI:

1. Perceiving emotions – the ability to detect and decipher emotions in faces, pictures, voices, and cultural artifacts—including the ability to identify one's own emotions. Perceiving emotions represents a basic aspect of emotional intelligence, as it makes all other processing of emotional information possible.                                                                                         
2. Using emotions – the ability to harness emotions to facilitate various cognitive activities, such as thinking and problem solving. The emotionally intelligent person can capitalize fully upon his or her changing moods in order to best fit the task at hand.
3. Understanding emotions – the ability to comprehend emotion language and to appreciate complicated relationships among emotions. For example, understanding emotions encompasses the ability to be sensitive to slight variations between emotions, and the ability to recognize and describe how emotions evolve over time.
4. Managing emotions – the ability to regulate emotions in both ourselves and in others. Therefore, the emotionally intelligent person can harness emotions, even negative ones, and manage them to achieve intended goals. 

Psychologist and author Daniel Goleman’s model has five constructs: 

• Self-awareness -- the ability to know one's emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drives, values and goals and recognize their impact on others while using gut feelings to guide decisions.

• Self-regulation -- involves controlling or redirecting one's disruptive emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances.

• Social skill -- managing relationships to move people in the desired direction

• Empathy - considering other people's feelings especially when making decisions and

• Motivation - being driven to achieve for the sake of achievement. 

It would seem that the higher the emotional intelligence you have, the more likely you would be able to make positive adjustments within a relationship. Some researchers suggest that it is possible to increase our EI and therefore become more successful (skill building). Nan and I would tend to agree with that assessment since we have worked with many couples who have been able to change their behaviors towards each other, increasing their listening and empathy skills, and curbing their critical communications.

If you would like to take a simple EI assessment, a free one can be found at: https://ihhp.com/free-eq-quiz/

If you are brave enough, post your results in the comment box --

Thanks to Wikipedia for some of the content.

Before "I Do"

 

It always breaks our hearts when we hear of a new marriage (or any marriage for that matter) going through serious conflict. We wonder what could be going on that trouble has appeared so quickly after the wedding vows have been spoken to each other. What immediately comes to mind is “Did this couple go through pre-engagement counseling? Did this couple go through our ‘Before I Do’ class?” After having taught the class 50 times as well as counseling many couples before and after marriage, I can confidently report that prep work makes a significant difference in the outcome.

What Do We Consider Success?

Not all couples that attend the class or in our counseling room end up in marriage. I remember one of our pastors saying during a sermon (sorry Mark and Tom, I can’t remember) “There is nothing worse than being single and wishing to be married – except being married and wishing to be single.” We can appreciate the sentiment. We consider making a decision to end a troubled relationship before marriage a real success. Some couples just try too hard to make a difficult relationship work before tying the knot.

But of course there are those couples who are well-suited, and with some education and good preparation make it through the first year without much adjustment or conflict. We are so encouraged when we hear positive feedback from these people. They usually say something like: “I don’t know why people say that the first year of marriage is hard. It hasn’t been difficult for us at all.”

What Happens During These Classes and Counseling Sessions?

Usually an assessment is taken to identify areas where the couple is not in agreement or unaware that they have different expectations of marriage. Hopefully the assessment will uncover these “blind spots”. By definition we don’t see what we don’t see.

Also, the prep work includes working on skills: communication, conflict resolution, money management, etc. The difference between a class and private counseling is whereas the class will cover general education, the individual coaching can drill down on issues more specific to the couple including whether to move forward with the relationship or have a “good goodbye”.

What If You Are Already Married?

Having seen so many couples over the years, we can confidently state that it is never too late to learn some basic marriage skills. God’s truths about marriage and righteousness in behavior are not time bound. His wisdom is everlasting and exists outside of current opinion. That is why we adhere to His teachings. Some relationships do not start out well, but that does not mean that course corrections cannot be made.

Some of God’s admonitions are not popular, like saving sex and cohabiting until after marriage. But those warnings are out of love and may well save a lot of pain further down the line, especially if there is a break-up. It may surprise you, but we have seen many couples that have not given in to cultural pressure and faced the altar with purity or renewed purity.

If you are sitting on the fence about getting coaching in this phase of your relationship, I would encourage you to make the decision to invest in your future success by seeking available resources and reap the benefits. It does not have to be professional, just well-informed.

10 Lame Excuses for Divorce

When we face a life or death crisis, all of a sudden pride and superficialities fall away. We become totally emptied out and desperate for God to fill the uncertainty with hope.

I wish it were the same with the imminent possibility of the death of a marriage.

Sadly, instead, the leaving spouse often becomes more prideful and clings to superficialities that support their case for dissolving the marriage. Although not always the case, it is not uncommon for the other, often clueless spouse to become humbled by the pronouncement that the marriage may be over. The positive side of this, if there is one, is that it focuses attention on the marriage problems and may be the only thing that moves a resistant spouse to seek outside help.

Here are the top ten lame excuses people use to justify a divorce. (Thanks to Dr. David Clarke – David Clarke Seminars)

• “I don’t love you anymore.” (Obviously you don’t understand love. You still think it’s a feeling.)

• “I never loved you.” (Really? It was an arranged marriage?)

• “I felt pressured to get married.” (Somebody actually held a gun to your head, huh?)

• “I need to find myself.” (Let us help you – you’re married, perhaps with kids.”)

• “It’s not you, it’s me.” (Now we’re getting to the truth.)

• “I’m having a midlife crisis.” (I guess you think that gives you permission to engage in all kinds of sinful behavior.”), 

• “God wants me to be happy.” (Sorry, not Biblical. He wants you to be holy.)

• “It’s better for the kids.” (No, it’s not. Kids always do better in an intact family, even if it's conflictual.)

• “My needs aren’t being met.” (You haven’t insisted that your needs be met by learning how to effectively confront your spouse.)

• “I’ve fallen in love with my soul mate.” (No, it’s your sin mate. You have compromised your character and integrity.”)

Can you add to my list? I’ll bet some of the counselors out there can.

Busy or Hurried?

I was reading this morning in Soul Keeping (John Ortberg) about the difference between busyness and hurriedness. He described the difference as one is external (busyness) and the other is internal (hurriedness).

How true that is. All of us have lives that are busy. It is almost unavoidable in today’s western culture. We cannot escape all the things that are required of us to function in this way of life. Even if we decided that we wanted to be a hermit, there is still the need to procure food to feed ourselves, the resultant work that is required at some level, and the personal care for our physical, emotional and spiritual circumstances. But the moment we step into marriage, family, community and a robust work life, we complicate our daily existence and multiply our busyness.

But, as Ortberg writes, hurriedness is a product of our mindset or the condition of our soul. It is an internal pace that we have control over. 

Either we allow it to rule us, or we intentionally manage it.    

At this moment I am not busy. I have an abundance of time available. But internally I have a feeling of drivenness, or hurry if you will. What it does to me is to steal away the present, to be fully “in the moment”.  

As I write I find myself being distracted. I get up and walk around although there is nothing that requires my attention. It is not a pressure from the outside in, but rather from the inside out. A couple of little yellow birds catch my eye – I get up and throw some bread crumbs to them. I am present for a few seconds, and then I focus elsewhere.

How do I control this internal pressure? I must cultivate it intentionally – practice it by taking my thoughts captive. 2 Cor. 10:5 says making them obedient to Christ. Obedient in what way? Perhaps it implies obedience to rest, to pursue peace, to be available to God and to others.

In counseling we often talk about changing our thoughts, our inner conversations. All of our outward behaviors begin with our inner thoughts. My reactivity in relationships begins with my inner conversations. When that inner dialog is not hurried, I have time to process and make good decisions. But when my anxious mind tells me that I must make a quick decision, I can really blow it. It has nothing to do with being busy, but everything to do with the state of my soul.

The apostle Paul was probably plenty busy warding off trouble and being involved with the business of evangelism. But I suspect he was in control of his inner life. Otherwise he couldn’t have written the following:

2 Cor. 4:8-9 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

 I think there is a message in there for us as well.

The Many Faces Of Counseling

I suspect that there are some who view counseling somewhat narrowly, based on what they have heard from others or seen depicted on television or in the movies. But the truth is that the field of counseling, as one of the helping or healing arts is very broad.

 Yes, deep psychotherapy is certainly one aspect. Especially where there has been significant trauma, intense work is often needed to bring a person to a place of stability. Because the traumatized person will tend to dysregulate when presented with a triggering event, the brain needs to be retrained to current reality. But this is only one type of counseling.

There are acute events that we would label a crisis, such as a significant car accident, an assault or sudden death. These will usually need immediate support, frequently starting with close friends or family. A counselor might be there from the start, but may be called upon later to process out the feelings of loss. These situations can be traumatic, but they are current as opposed to other forms of early or long term trauma. This is the essence of grief counseling.

Then there are chronic issues of anxiety, depression and personality disorders etc., from minor to severe which require the expertise of a therapist. They are often the presenting issues that motivate a client to ask for help.

Another type is what we would simply call “counsel”. This might be a one off session where a person is seeking advice on a current decision. Pastors and others who are experienced and considered wise can be sought after for their input. There might be a need for spiritual or some other clarification.

Spiritual counseling, often done by clergy or other biblically trained laity walks a person through the teachings of their faith and helps a person understand how to live out the spiritual path they have chosen. It is also known as spiritual direction or spiritual coaching.

Preparatory counseling is a process that is often pursued by those who are contemplating engagement or marriage. It might involve therapy, but usually is more about discovering any blind spots or talking through any unexplored areas of the relationship. This is usually a shorter process, but may continue if significant issues are revealed.

Marriage or relationship counseling can be either reparative or strengths-building. Most couples have hard seasons for one reason or another and find having an outside mediator helpful in processing conflicts or difficult decisions. Usually these are presented to us counselors as problems with communication. It is also very common for couples seek counseling when there has been a trust break in a relationship that needs repairing.

Supportive psychotherapy can be a longer term counseling relationship. This might be where someone has processed through deeper issues and now needs ongoing support to stay on track and directed forward. This might be better described as coaching or mentoring, because it is growth focused and instructive. But it is still a type of counseling.

The one closest to my heart has often been labeled as “re-parenting”, but sometimes is actually better described as substitute parenting because of conditions experienced during childhood years. Parents might have been physically or emotionally missing, or abusive or neglectful. Whatever form of abandonment was present, it left a hole in the person’s upbringing. I consider it especially endearing and a great privilege to step into the role of a dad figure in someone's life.

Underneath my labels sit a plethora of therapeutic approaches and modalities which are the tools of the profession. I am sure that other counselors and therapists could add to my list, but these are the ones that have occupied most of the counseling hours in our practice at The Relationship Center.

Are You in a Relationship With a Passive Controller?

When we think about controlling people, we usually think about active controllers – those people who impose their will on others aggressively. They are easy to spot because they pursue us with their needs and wants. We don’t have to go looking for them.

But there are also passive controllers.

Passive controllers are much more subtle. It’s not what they do, but rather what they don’t do that ends up controlling you. They use tools like silence or guilt to control. They ignore doing things that need to be done, and wait until you step up and do them. Their “patience’ can be exasperating.

We have a saying; “The most passive person wins.” What we mean is passive control is often more powerful than active control. If you are upset about something and I do not respond, you will likely get more upset. If I still do not respond you may likely get even more upset. You are losing control of your emotions, but I have lost nothing. I smugly point out your lack of self control, while I point out how “reasonable” I am being. I am in complete control.   

What can you do when you encounter a passive controller?

Detach emotionally – become more passive than they are – at least about matters concerning them.

                                                               

For example: If you need a response from your spouse about attending an event, but they keep putting you off about a decision – decide to attend alone, if you want to go. Make plans without them.

Another example: If you have a family member that always seems to make you late by dragging their feet when getting ready to go somewhere, then when it’s time to leave, just leave – and leave them behind.

Will they be upset? Yes. Will they learn to be more respectful of you? Hopefully.

You will need to learn to manage your own uncomfortable feelings as you resist the control. It is possible that you will feel resentful that you have to set up boundaries.  But it is also likely that you have felt resentful when you have given in to unreasonable behavior from others in the past. When you set up healthy boundaries at least you will feel good about yourself.

The goal is not to be mean or inflexible in our resistance to the passive control, but rather to learn to both respect others as well as respect ourselves.  

Think about your own behavior. Are you a passive controller? Do you live with one? How is this affecting your life, or your relationships?     

One Fatal Flaw In Dating

Many years ago I was standing at the front counter of a dental office in Lawndale and the woman behind the desk was listening to Dr. Toni Grant, a radio psychologist. Dr. Grant was involved in a conversation with a young woman who was complaining about a relationship that she was in. “What’s wrong with him!” she whined. Dr. Grant was kind but firm:

“The problem is with you. You choose the wrong type of man. You are chasing excitement. Don’t you know that all good men are a little bit boring?”

This has stuck with me all these years because it is true – but I would say it applies to both men and women equally. Bad boys and bad girls. They are exciting, but you wouldn’t want to marry one, because they are relationally unstable. They are usually temporary and most often will hurt you eventually.

What are the indicators of these personality types?

• Their lives are chaotic – financially, relationally, etc.
• They take unnecessary or foolish risks – drugs, alcohol, sex, speeding, spending, gambling, etc.
• They keep parts of their lives obscured and secretive.
• When things go wrong they blame you, or others.
• They advertise but often don’t deliver on their promises.
• They leave a trail of broken relationships.
• They control the relationship. You are always subject to their time schedule, desires and expectations. 
• They are selfish and always have an excuse for their behavior.
• They connect intensely and withdraw intensely. 

If you have been, or are in a relationship with one of these people I am sure you can add to my list. It can be difficult to break this addiction to the wrong type. You may think the trade-off is worth it, but I guarantee you it is not. Eventually the buzz wears off and the pain and damage remains.

Is there hope for you or them? Of course. People can change, but it is very difficult. Often the question is “Do they (or you) really want to change?” or “Will they do the work that change requires?”. Going to counseling or recovery programs is not always an indication of either. It is a start, but not a finish.

"But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves." (James 1:22 (NLT)

I am not equating the advice of a counselor to the word of God, but I am saying that hearing alone is not sufficient. We have had clients who have stayed for quite a long time, but never grew. They knew what to do, but never followed through. Sadly, they left counseling carrying the same weights they brought with them the first session. Happily, that is not usually the case.

If you find that you are attracted to the wrong type – take a break from dating until you make the necessary shifts. If you are the wrong type, the same advice stands. You have to become the kind of person that you want to attract – spiritually, mentally and physically.   

It’s easier to add some excitement than it is to cleanup chaos. A little bit boring is healthy.  

I’m Just Being Optimistic

I was in a checkout line at a department store behind a woman who had a basket full of clothes and other items. After the clerk rang up the purchases, the woman presented a credit card. Denied! She pulled out a second and then a third card. Both denied. Then she asked the clerk to try the first card again. Was this woman being optimistic?

No, she was in denial of reality and didn’t want to accept it.

I wonder how many times a day this same scenario is repeated? Maybe you have even been there. Or perhaps the issue isn’t financial, but some other refusal to accept the truth that is right before your eyes.

For an addict, breaking denial is the first step towards recovery. This is not news – we all know this. But there are other perhaps more subtle ways in which we deceive ourselves.

• We keep applying for jobs we are not qualified for hoping someone will hire us anyway.

• We abuse our automobiles or our bodies and hope they will last forever.

• We stay in an abusive or violent relationship hoping that this will be the time his sincere apology will really mean a change. (Good luck with that one!)

• We ignore deadlines and trust that somehow there is a way around the penalties.

• We hide bills from our spouse and believe everything will turn out OK in the end.

I love optimism. It is a predictor of success in many areas of life. Optimists tend to draw people towards themselves that want to help them reach their goals. (People tend to shy away from perpetual pessimists.) But optimists do not operate outside of reality.

Optimists will:

·         Keep applying for jobs that they are qualified for knowing that one will come through eventually. Or they train for the job they really want.

·         Maintain their health and possessions knowing that it will make a difference in the long run.

·         Leave a bad relationship knowing that a better one is bound to come along.

·         Embrace deadlines as a challenge to get things done and feel satisfied.

·         Share the hard things with their spouse, like bills, and believe that together they will make necessary changes and work things out.

A true optimist sees life with a hopeful perspective. But they do not live with unrealistic expectations. Denial is not their friend, but an obstacle to avoid.

Being in denial of our own mortality is the easiest and most dangerous position of all. However, the reality of the hope we have in Christ Jesus gives us the ultimate reason to be optimistic. If you want to know more about this hope, check out the messages at cachurch.com.

5 Things To Keep The Relationship Alive

It is always exciting when I come across a piece of simple wisdom. To me simple wisdom is something that is so obvious that it makes you smile that you didn’t put it into words first. As I was rereading a book this week (Close Calls by David Carder), I stumbled upon one of those.

What is this little gem of knowledge?

It is a list of things that keep a relationship vital. Simply put, they are those behaviors that came easy at the beginning, but may fall away as time progresses and life gets busy. According to the book, if we fail to provide these things to our partner, they become vulnerable to people outside of our relationship who might supply them.

Here are five things that Carder says we should continue to do to keep a partner happy.

• Accommodation – When you are first dating I’ll bet you make sure that you make time and space to accommodate the relationship. You might cancel other commitments and plan your life around being able to connect with your girl or guy. They are a priority in your life and they know it.   

• Adoration – Isn’t it a great feeling to feel beautiful or handsome when your beloved looks at you – that they would rather be with you than anyone else? You spend extra effort making sure that you are worthy of the attention – and you melt when they respond positively.

• Admiration – Who doesn’t want to be looked up to? When I feel that from Nan, it makes me want to go the extra mile. It’s not easy being great, but when someone recognizes it in you it makes you want to hang around them more.

• Affirmation – For some folks there is no substitute for delicious words spoken to them. They light up when you tell them all the things that you love and appreciate about them – or how you respect what they do or who they are as a person. 

• Affection – Physical connection is something that all living beings crave. It is why it is so hard to keep our hands off our partner when we are dating. It is a definite way to reassure your partner that you still love and care for them even after a lot of time has passed.  

 Have you gotten lazy in your relationship? I know I have and this is a great reminder. 

Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.

Proverbs 5:18

The 7 Basic Human Longings

I am sometimes asked “What is joy?” “How do you know if you have it?” “What does it take to feel joy?”

Nan’s MFT supervisor (and my counselor, mentor and friend) David O. Gatewood identified seven basic human longings that when satisfied produced joy in a person’s life. They are listed as follows:

• Love (worth, uniqueness, specialness)
• Pleasure (thirst, hunger, deep feeling)
• Belonging (intimacy, relationship, covenant)
• Pride (power, mastery, autonomy)
• Security (safety, trust)
• Creativity (reproduction, fantasy, imagination)
• Purity (holiness, peace) 

When there is a deficit in one or more areas, we will seek getting those unmet needs fulfilled in some form or fashion. Hopefully we will find a path that takes us to satisfying those longings in a healthy way. Unfortunately that isn’t always the case. For example, if we have a love deficit we may place unrealistic expectations on people who can never fill that need in the way or to the degree that we need it. We may become clingy and moody when they are near and fearful or angry when they are distant. We may either try to control them (aggressive) or reject them (passive-aggressive). The results of our behavior will likely produce exactly the opposite of what we were hoping for.

Wanting to have these longings satisfied is legitimate. Some people feel guilty simply for desiring them, but these longings are universal and need to be respected in ourselves and in others. Therapists would identify all these longings as the components that determine an attachment style. When our primary caregivers (usually parents) have done an adequate job attending to us as a child, it is likely that these basic longings will be met and we will feel joy. 

What can we do about it? The first step is to recognize that we have one or more unmet needs. That sounds easy and obvious, but it isn’t. I would suggest that one sure way to identify deficits is by noting our blaming thoughts or words:

• “Why don’t you call me more often?” (lack of love or belonging)
• “You never lock the door!” (lack of security)
• “Why won’t you dream with me?” (lack of creativity)
• “Can’t you let me do anything without you looking over my shoulder?” (lack of pride or security)
• “You people are working me to death!” (lack of pleasure) 

Secondly, if we have been hurt, we need to grieve our losses and forgive those who hurt us. Sometimes that person is us, because we have neglected or damaged important parts of our lives. Perhaps we just need to be intentional about making time to focus on ourselves a bit more – or a lot more.

And as always, attaching to God as restorer and provider will help us to make healthy emotional transitions. He will never leave us or forsake us. 

Psalm 5:12 But let all who take refuge in you rejoice, let them forever shout for joy! Shelter them; and they will be glad, those who love your name.

You Want Me To Do What In My Relationship?

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. John 12:24 (ESV)

 When I heard this Scripture verse from the sermon one morning at our church I knew that the message was not going to be one of those feel good ones that reassures us that we can be happy and secure and comfortable. If I had any doubts all I needed to do was register the expression on Nan’s face. But as I listened to it in it’s entirety it was also a message of hope – and it inspired me to apply the verse to relationships.

Marriages are unending opportunities to test out the verse

I want my marriage to be fruitful. I don’t want to just lope along trying not to get into too much trouble. That usually means that I am avoiding engaging at a very deep level. But I also know that swimming in the deep end of the emotional pool can be risky. We could end up sharing some really good intimate moments, but we could also end up in painful conflict.

These times of conflict challenge me to put my faith to the test. Will I power up on Nan or will I “die” to myself? I can tell you what I feel like doing (and it isn’t admirable). But the verse tells me that if I don’t make the sacrifice I will remain alone and nothing good will come of it. Of course Nan has the same choice too, and I reluctantly (sheepishly) admit that over the years she has probably done a better job than I have. Call it male pride or immaturity. They both fit.

What kinds of sacrifices do you need to make in your relationship?

• Your finances? 

• Your ambition? 

• Your anger? 

• Your time? 

• How about your contemptuous, critical or sarcastic attitude? 

• Do you need to give up your right to your opinion all the time? That was and still is a really hard one for me. I always want the last word. 

Some couples will never make it unless they both are willing to die to themselves. There has been so much damage on both sides that they have built emotional fortresses and engage in a contest to see who can come up with the longest list of perceived offenses. The blame game becomes a highly skilled sport for them. But this can be a fight to the death of a marriage.

But the verse brings a message of hope. Jesus sacrificed Himself so that many could live.  We make sacrifices so that our relationships can survive and even thrive – and not just marriages, but also parents to children, friends to friends, and communities to communities. There is joy in this kind of surrender because it often brings peace and harmony. And that produces a feeling of satisfaction – not from the temporary loss, but from the expanding gain that follows.   

My Marriage, Your Marriage

Years ago I was archiving old counseling files and as I did I scanned through the reasons that clients gave for seeking counseling. Most were pretty routine: improve communication or conflict resolution, deal with an affair, etc. But one really struck me.

My wife is unhappy with her marriage, but I am happy with mine.

I think I read it a few times as I considered the response. Can people really see their marriages as separate entities? His marriage? Her marriage? We see marriage as a “oneness” or “us” relationship. I did not dig into the files deeply (confidentiality), but it did get me thinking about his viewpoint and what might be the reason for the relational disconnect.

• Spiritual Disunity If two people are not on the same spiritual wavelength it is entirely possible to view the marriage differently. One person could feel very discontented with the lack of intimacy they experience when the spiritual connection is absent. They may be living with an entirely different values framework. We know, because we have lived it.  In Christian parlance we call this being unequally yoked. 

• Lack of Emotional Connection When a couple does not have good emotional connection, it is hard to feel empathy for the other person. This can leave a spouse feeling very alone in a marriage. One of the partners may not be aware (or care) while the other is deeply wounded by the emotional distance. 

• One Spouse is a Taker In some relationships there is a husband or wife who always seems to get their way. The relationship becomes very one-sided as he or she comes out on top in every conflict or decision. This person has a high satisfaction in the marriage because things always fall into place for them. However, the other half of the marriage (who may be codependent) is left feeling like they have very little power and always has to give, and never receive in order to keep the marriage stable. 

• Change or Growth Nan just commented that one other common reason is when one person has gone through a significant change in their life. It could be normal, like pregnancy or menopause, or not so positive, like an illness, a job loss, or a stressful job change. Emotional or spiritual growth also can cause a significant separation in a marriage. When one spouse enters counseling alone, or deals effectively with an addiction it affects the other spouse. They may have just lost their drinking buddy or lost some other aspect of the relationship that was comfortable or predictable. They will often “cry foul” and complain that this isn’t the person they married; they liked it the way it was. However, if the couple enters counseling together this adjustment is usually easier on both of them and may avert potential marital drift. 

Whatever the reason may be, in order to thrive, a marriage must have unity. When one person is distressed, the marriage is distressed. There is no win/lose in relationships – either we both win, or we both lose.

Emotionally Available

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact your are doing. 1Thes 5:11

Have you ever spent a good deal of time with someone and then left feeling like you have no deeper knowledge of them? Or have you shared a vulnerable moment with someone and afterwards you have no clue as to what they are thinking or feeling, and that your story did not “move” them in any way?

You may be with someone who is emotionally unavailable.

Or perhaps I may be describing you.

Emotional availability is the ability to monitor your own feelings and then communicate them to another person. It is also the ability to read other people’s verbal and non-verbal cues accurately, and then respond appropriately (emotional intelligence).

I want to emphasize the word “appropriately” here. There can be a tendency to overshare in an attempt to connect with someone, or to withhold out of fear or anxiety. Oversharing may drive a person away because they might interpret it as neediness on your part, whereas holding on too tight to your feelings may lead them to believe you are emotionally cold.

I suggest a layered approach where you reveal your deeper feelings a little at a time, testing to see how they respond. With each new “layer” you should risk a little more and then see if they are also willing to risk in return. If they cannot, then stop there. If you continue to share after that point with nothing in return you will eventually become hurt and resentful.

I have observed that there is a tendency in some people to consider oversharing a virtue in the name of authenticity and transparency. They want to let a potential candidate for a relationship know all the emotional baggage that they carry, even before that person has a chance to discover all the positive benefits of being in a relationship with them. If this happens on a first encounter, I would be very apprehensive.

But on the other hand, people that are unable to share their deeper feelings (both positive and negative) will probably not be able to sustain a relationship because their partner will feel alone. This is where guessing and mind-reading may enter the picture, often with disastrous results. It takes a lot of frustrating work to pull feelings from an emotionally withholding partner. And you may never know if they are really being honest or just placating you.

So would I advise you to run from an emotionally unavailable person? It depends.

In a dating relationship I would suggest proceeding cautiously and not attempt to take them on as a project. If fear is holding them back and they open up as they relax, there might be potential.

In a marriage, it will probably be necessary to enter counseling as soon as possible to prevent further damage.

How about the person who tends to overshare and parade their emotional damage to you?

Be kind, but cautious as you respond to them.  You many have to set a gentle boundary on the amount of time you will listen to their complaints. Are they engaged in counseling and recovery and being successful in healing the hurt places in their life, or are they stuck or unwilling to get help? Are they growing in maturity both spiritually and emotionally?

You will probably know when you are with an emotionally available and healthy person, because you will feel connected, but not smothered. You will feel relaxed around them, but not bored. You will feel energized, but not find yourself frequently in the middle of a drama, walking on eggshells.

Any thoughts or comments?   

Taking Shortcuts

Are you tempted to take shortcuts like I am?

When I was first married, Nan and I took a driving vacation around California with a side trip to Reno, Nevada. My daily driver was almost identical to the vehicle above – a camper-converted 1960 Ford Vanette. Our subculture was in full swing and this was a very cool ride at the time. However, it was designed for city deliveries, not open road travel. Hence, it was pretty under-powered with a straight six and three on the tree (ask your parents if you need to).

I thought it would be a great idea to take a shortcut across the Sierra Nevada mountains and save some time. Umm, wrong. The climb was steep and we only barely made it on one leg of the road – I think Nan had to get out and push. It may have been a dirt road – I can’t remember. We didn’t see another vehicle the whole time. Anyway, not a way to impress my new bride.

I get in trouble with other shortcuts as well. I try to simplify complicated instructions – I mean, are all those steps REALLY necessary for success? I don’t need ALL the ingredients for a particular recipe, do I? Do I need to wait that long before a second coat of paint? And that primer coat was just a suggestion, right? Maybe you can relate.

We can take relational shortcuts too. After a break in trust there are certain things that need to be done for restoration. It might mean giving your spouse complete access to everything including all your emails, your cell phone, all your social media – everything. Are you willing to surrender your right to privacy? Are you ready to make restitution for any wrong you did? Or do you just want to act like nothing happened? That’s a shortcut.

Some other shortcuts:

• Avoiding premarital preparation
• Having sex before marriage
• Buying things on credit rather than saving for them
• Expecting people to do things for you that you can do for yourself
• Taking action before thinking through a problem
• Engaging in risky weight loss schemes rather than having a long term plan
• Cheating on tests, or copying other people’s answers
• Engaging in illegal pursuits for personal or monetary gains

To drive this point home, today I installed a garbage disposer. It looked pretty much like the one I was replacing. It fit well so I hooked up the plumbing and electrical and everything looked great and it spun around like a champ. I fired up the dishwasher that had been waiting with dishes for a couple of days, but it didn’t drain. Looking at step 15 and 16 on the installation guide (which I ignored), it said:

IMPORTANT “When installing dishwasher drain, knock out plastic plug prior to installing drain hose. 

Enough said.

Argumentative People

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky. Phil 2:14-15 

“I don’t think I’m going to ask her to marry me.”

I was surprised. I had been counseling the couple for a while and they seemed pretty well suited for each other. I asked why. He replied “She challenges everything I say. She has a retort for everything I share. She’s just so argumentative.”

As I thought about their conversations, I could really understand what he was saying. I had missed it because she was just so kind in the way she did it. But it was there. So I did what I thought a good counselor should do. I asked if he would be willing to confront her instead of walking away from the relationship. He agreed to talk about it with her in our counseling session.

What happened should have been predictable. When confronted, she argued with him about his perspective. Fail!

Of course men will do this too.

“He argues with me until he wears me down. He won’t stop – it could go on for hours. Can’t we ever do it my way just once? I can’t take it anymore.”

The truth is, it’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who is always challenging you.

Both genders can feel overwhelmed by the intensity of an argumentative person, leaving them feeling unappreciated and inadequate. Yes, two volatile people might seem to understand each other in the way they do conflict, but they are also the most likely to have 911 called on them. It is usually not a relationship builder.

Why might someone become argumentative?

• I have seen families where this is encouraged. Debating is seen as a way to build strong kids: “Don’t just agree, push back and defend your position.” 

• I have also known people who have overdone it when learning to “find their voice” and protecting themselves from being overpowered. 

• Sometimes it is just a personality trait that has to be brought under the control of the Holy Spirit. 

Are you in a relationship with a disagreeable person and suffering? Are you a disagreeable person and are not fully aware of it? Admitting the truth is the first step to healing. Then work on learning to calm yourself and to seek a win-win compromise instead of a win-lose outcome. 

Do you find yourselves in useless quarrels? We all do. Practice the communication exercise below. You may need help from your counselor. The goal is for both both people to feel heard and understood.

EXERCISE

Practice asking for what you want or need in a clear and direct way by using this template. It

might feel rote, but learning and practicing with these steps will help you stay constructive especially when emotions are heated. 

Start with an affirmation such as: “I know you didn’t intend to” or “I know you are a good

man/woman/mom/daughter, etc” or some other statement of positive intent. 

SPEAKER

1. STATE A FEELING: 

I feel____________________ (use a feeling word) when_________________(describe a situation)

        Important Caution: DO NOT follow the word “feel” above with either “like” or “that” or

        you will be expressing a thought or judgment. 

2. EXPRESS A NEED OR DESIRE: 

And, what I’d like is ___________________________________ 

LISTENER 

In response, your partner does the following:

1. REFLECT: What I hear you say is ______________________________

2. EMPATHIZE: I understand that ___________________________________

3. REASSURE: I want you to know __________________________________ 

Make sure you take turns being the speaker and responder!

Hard and Soft Boundaries

Healthy boundaries protect marriages, relationships and children.

I heard a true story of a rural elementary school that was built on a large piece of real estate. When it was built there was no need to fence it in because there were no safety dangers. The teachers on yard duty just had to keep an eye on the group as they played during recess. As time went on, the adjacent area grew busier and the rural streets were paved and car traffic came closer to the school. The teachers had to set an imaginary boundary for the kids quite a distance from the street for safety. But now the kids’ play area was greatly curtailed. The balls would often roll into the “forbidden zone”, but the kids couldn’t fetch them without adult assistance.

Eventually a high fence was constructed around the play area close to the street that included the formerly off-limits part. The kids could once again use the entire playground because it was safe. Where the imaginary line had been mostly adequate, it had still carried some limitations and risk. This is a great example of soft vs. hard boundaries.

Whether hard or soft, when boundaries are used appropriately they are designed to protect. In relationships they either protect us or others, or both. In abusive relationships, toxic boundaries are usually set to control or manipulate others (“Do that one more time and I leave!”) A soft boundary I might set is to avoid talking about a particular subject (like politics) with certain people. I do not want to cut off the relationship, but I do want to avoid the danger zone. 

Another soft boundary might be with time issues. With someone who is constantly late, I might be flexible to a certain degree – but when they are excessively late I may confront them or cancel an appointment or date. In this case I extend some grace but protect them from my anger or resentment when they push my limit.

When interventions are done with addicts, the family and friends always set a “bottom line”. This is a classic hard boundary – and it is absolutely necessary. It is usually very difficult for the family, but love for the addict compels them to suffer the pain of setting and following through no matter what. But if they waffle on the hard boundary in any way the intervention will be a failure. Softer boundaries can be set when the addict completes treatment.

Setting Boundaries

I hate to set boundaries. I don’t like conflict. I hate for people to be displeased with me. But when we set boundaries, people will be angry or disappointed with us. It is unavoidable. I have had family members voice this to me directly. But I am willing to endure the discomfort in favor of emotional health.

Sometimes we set hard boundaries because we are unwilling to navigate the uncertain waters of softer ones. This is a mistake because it often wrecks or ends relationships. We have to be very careful not to set limits with anger or hostility. The goal is not to punish, but protect.

How about you? Do you struggle with this issue? Do you have a hard time settings limits, perhaps because of codependency? Are you harsh in the way you handle disappointments with people? Are you in denial about the need for certain limits in your life? Are you suffering because you are afraid to make a healthy choice, even when you know it must be done?

Those who are in abusive relationships often struggle the most with this issue. If this is you, get some help. Strengthen yourself by enlisting a support team and experiencing the kind of freedom that God would want for you. You might start by reading the book “Boundaries” by Cloud & Townsend.