Dating Advice for the Not-Yet-In-A-Relationship

One of the things that Nan & I do with relationship seekers is to give out a list of “Must Haves” and “Can’t Stands”. It is basically a collection of both character qualities and preferences that can guide a person while “interviewing” potential mates. The instructions are to choose your top 10 in each category. 

These lists serve two purposes. For some, it is necessary to limit the choices to a realistic collection of desired attributes. That is why the choices are capped at 10. For others, they tend to set the bar so low that they need to work on raising their standards to an acceptable level. Which group do you fall into: too picky or too lax? 

There is a catch, too. You must become what you want to attract.

So many people focus on what they want from a relationship, but fail to ask the question “What am I willing to give?” I suggest making out a list of all the things you will bring to the table. Marriage is a partnership of two people willing to contribute equally to a common future. 

Too many times we have seen items on a person’s list that don’t match. 

• “I want someone physically fit” – but they themselves are not. 
• “I must have someone who is organized” – but their personal world is a mess. 
• “I want someone who is ambitious” – but they have no goals in life. 
• “I desire someone with high moral standards” – but they, well… you get the point. 

Our advice is often to back off of relationship seeking until you have made the necessary adjustments in your thinking, attitude or physicality. You are far more likely to connect with a great partner if you do. 

Are you a workaholic? Relationships require ongoing time investments. You many have to cut back from your job so you can contribute more at home. 

Are you lazy and want to be taken care of? This is a prescription for resentment to grow in your relationship. And resentment will create distance and isolation eventually. Try to match your partner’s energy. 

One other thing comes to mind. For some the quest for a relationship is fear driven. 

“I don’t want to end up alone.” 

Unfortunately, this anxiety is often palpable and obvious and may be the key reason you are not able to connect. You may exude a seriousness that makes others back off. Dating should be fun and easy, full of smiles and laughter and enjoyment – not an intense pursuit toward a goal. That comes later after you have established that the person really is a good candidate for a deeper relationship. Nan suggests a minimum of 12 dates with 12 different people in 12 months so you don’t just get stuck on the first one that comes along. 

You can make up your own “Must Haves” and “Can’t Stands” lists – but remember, you must “be” all the things on your lists.

Are You in a Relationship with a Mean Cat?

Somewhere around third grade I remember visiting a friend from school. He had cats; our family had dogs (and rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, birds, fish and turtles). We loved our pets – they were a significant part of our upbringing. But I wasn’t familiar with cats, and so I was shocked when my friend’s cat turned from purring as I stroked it, to sinking its teeth in me. I’m not talking about a friendly nip, but an aggressive chomp. But as surprised and angry as I was, retaliation was not an option that I considered. 

I bring this up because I think kindness to animals is a good indicator of character. 

There are psychological disorders where cruelty to animals can be a symptom – Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is one and so is Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopathy). This disregard for animals may eventually translate into abuse (emotional or physical) towards you or those you love. People with these disorders lack empathy. They are not able to identify with the pain of others and so may inflict it carelessly or even with delight! This might be something that can be overlooked or ignored when evaluating a relationship. I’m not implying that you should be looking for and diagnosing a disorder, but rather being aware of unusual behavior. 

I also have concerns about people who hold the value of an animal above or at the same level as people. I believe somewhere along the way they have picked up hurts that have not been resolved. Although God has given life to both humans and animals, He has given a special position to those who have been made in His image. 

I have always maintained that another good predictor of character is the way a person treats people who serve them, whether a wait person in a restaurant, an employee or a public servant. I watch people in positions of power to see how they care for people. Does the person you are dating have a natural demeanor of humility or do they seem to think of themselves as better than others? It’s possible that they may see you as inferior in time, and will treat you accordingly. 

We can be confused by what we may view as “high standards” in a person, when in reality it is really a critical spirit or an arrogant attitude. Good character displays good values, and good values include kindness and acceptance of others. Harshness is the result of a cold and unforgiving heart. 

I have friends that naturally seek out those who might normally be disregarded by others, and treat them as equals. I really admire that quality in them. I believe they experience life and love at a deeper level. Their hearts are tuned to a different frequency than most people. You might say they are tuned to a “God frequency”. They take the gift of compassion to a whole new level. 

I think this is a good verse to use for these kinds of evaluations: 

Romans 12:3 - For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

Running With Persons of Quality

When you think of the word ‘quality’, what comes to mind for you? I think of concepts like value, excellence, worth, weightiness and the like. These words all describe positive or desirable characteristics. I easily apply the concept of quality to the things in my life that I want to acquire. What I am really saying is that I desire ‘high or good’ quality in the things that surround me.

It is the same for the people in my life. I want to be in healthy relationships with people of substance that can help me reach my goals in life. It is far more difficult to push through life’s issues when the preponderance of my acquaintances are always self-destructing from bad choices. I am not advocating avoiding all these people. God often appoints us to enter into the lives of hurting people to be salt and light. But I must be careful when choosing my closest friends.

When it comes to choosing a life partner I want to be particularly diligent. No other decision will affect me as completely as the person I marry (at least in this life). That is why Nan & I encourage dating people to take their time and do the critical preliminary work before making a permanent commitment.  

So how do I locate these quality people?

I must attract them. And the way I attract them is by being the kind of person that I desire to have in my life. After all, birds of a feather do flock together. Over the years I have had to eliminate people from my life that were not good for me. It is never easy, often painful to leave these relationships. But I will be identified by the people that I choose to associate with.    

Few of us would probably think that we are not a person of quality, yet it’s probable that all of us could use a good “housecleaning” time to time.  Some of us might even need a full remodel – but one from the inside out, not just patching and painting the exterior.

Of course what we are talking about is character.

I really struggle to tell the “most honest version” at times. I love to dress up my flaws in such a way as to present myself in the best light. But I am really messing with my character. I love comfort, but often preserving my character means being uncomfortable, taking the hits.

What are the qualities that you most value in a person? Are they those deep characterological traits that are enduring, or are you more concerned with superficialities and “window dressing”? As a youngster I was much more apt to chase outward beauty, the trappings of success, and things with temporary value. Now, not so much.

As John Ortberg says in a book of the same title; (referring to our life) “When the game is over, it all goes back in the box.”

The question is – will we cheat our way through the game with partners of the same mindset, or play with integrity, no matter the outcome.

 Hebrews 12:1-2 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.

Giving Up on a Relationship

I have been asked several times recently to write about the topic of when it is time to give up on a relationship. I have had to reevaluate my response over the years because I have perhaps held a position that has been too naively optimistic. Perhaps I have relied too heavily on Philippines 4:13 which states “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” The problem with this line of thinking is confusing “can do” with “should do”. I know that my more recent position may seem harsh to some folks, but I assure you that there is little that is more painful than a bad relationship.

It is important to factor in which stage of a relationship a couple is in. If a couple is married, and particularly if they have children, we do everything we can to keep the couple together, barring physical or serious emotional abuse. In that case we recommend separation until the relationship has dealt with the root issues and the threat of abuse has passed.

But there have been other times when we have labored too long with a couple who had not yet made a decision to get married or move forward from engagement. One of our pastors says “If they are struggling that much before marriage, they should not consider moving forward, especially until they deal with their individual problems.” In further conversations we have agreed that the dating and engagement process should be delightful and hopeful. No relationship is trouble free, but the overall level of positivity should exceed 80%.

So when should you separate from a relationship, perhaps permanently?

If you are not married:

• If there is physical abuse, even once, it is over. It only gets worse with time.

• If there is serious unresolved conflict (emotional, spiritual, financial, etc.)

• If there are multiple break-ups

• If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells a lot of the time

• If you have trust issues within the relationship (not because of your past)

• If your partner has serious moral or characterological issues 

If you are married (or perhaps unmarried and share a child): 

• If there is a refusal to deal with and permanently end physical or emotional abuse involving you or your children 

• If there are infidelity issues that a spouse is unwilling to end and/or properly deal with. There must be a process of restoration undertaken after the damaging behaviors have passed. 

• If there is a refusal to give support to the marriage either financially or domestically based on the roles you have agreed to fulfill. This, of course, is more complicated if there are extenuating circumstances like mental or physical illnesses, which would necessitate a deeper look into the problems. 

Obviously, we recommend premarital counseling as a positive step towards a possible permanent relationship. All relationships have some rough edges. And we also believe in counseling for the restoration of distressed marriages and the acquiring of skills for relational growth.

Sometimes hearts will change, or God will intervene as a person becomes willing to be submitted to Him in humility. But oftentimes it is just best to embrace reality and begin the grieving process of letting go of a troubled relationship.

Choosing a Mate

Since Nan & I teach the pre-married/pre-engagement class at church, we spend a good deal of our time with couples in that stage of a relationship. It is undeniable that most have found each other because of an attraction that they felt. Yes, some have been matched through an online service, which goes much further than attraction alone. We believe that a decision for marriage should be based on a balance of attraction and suitability.

In other words, the head and the heart must be in sync.

What makes a potential mate suitable? When I first saw Nan that thought never entered my mind. (OK, I was young and maturity helps a bit with the concept). Blind attraction from a chemical wash of the brain makes everything seem possible within a relationship. We believe we can make a relationship with a person who lives in another country with 2 kids from a former marriage work. Right.

Here are some factors that must be considered.

• Are we of the same spiritual mind? The Christian term is “equally yoked”. 
• If we are of different ethnicities, will our families accept our potential mate? 
• Are we in agreement about children? 
• Do we come from similar socio-economic backgrounds? 
• Does my partner have great character – free from addictions? Are they honest, trustworthy, hard working, kind, dependable, teachable, humble, gentle, not given to fits of anger or rage, etc.? This is foremost in our opinion. 
• Do we communicate well? Is my partner a listener as well as a talker? 
• Can we resolve conflict, or do we give up and go away mad or discouraged? 
• Do we have a financial plan based on reality? Are we both committed to working to make it happen? 
• Is my partner a happy person or do they seem to be critical, complaining, cynical or pessimistic? It is hard to live with a depressed person. 

One of the reasons I think premarital sex is a bad idea, apart from the biblical reasons, is that once we have crossed that boundary our minds are clouded by the closeness we feel. It becomes very difficult to have a balanced perspective. If we also live together we add one more entanglement as well – that of being economically entwined. It is very difficult to extricate ourselves from an unsuitable relationship when we are emotionally, physically and economically connected.

What would you add to my list? What has caused you pain or confusion? Have you had repeated bad break-ups or have you found yourself in a difficult marriage because you ignored the above factors? Are you stuck right now? Or have you chosen well and you are rejoicing with the satisfaction of your relational success? With strength and courage and maybe some help from others there is always hope.

I Want To Get Married

We often give out a list of “Must Haves” and “Can’t Stands” to singles that are in the search for a mate. They are lists of qualities that they are looking for in a husband or wife. It helps them define the characteristics they are hoping to find in a spouse so they can eliminate inappropriate matches early in the dating process.

Great. But after reading an article on Millennials (born between 1980 and 2000) in the workplace, I realized that we may have been feeding the entitlement tendency of this generation.

Yes, it is helpful to define what a good match for us would look like – but it is equally as important to define what would make us a good mate.

As an employer, when I look at a potential employee I am asking myself the question “What will this person bring to the table if I hire him/her?” I know what I have to offer: a salary, medical benefits, vacation and sick pay, defined working hours, a chance for advancement, etc. But what does the person in front of me bring besides a warm body? I think a single might ask themselves the same question. 

“What do I bring to a relationship that makes me a good catch?”

Here is a starting point. 

• Emotionally mature. I am able to deal with life’s ups and downs without a lot of drama.

• Hard working. I am committed to the domestic and financial health of a marriage.

• Addiction free. I am not controlled by alcohol, drugs, shopping, pornography, Facebook, texting, video gaming, gambling or any other type of addiction.

• A healthy and appealing body. Yes, attractiveness counts. It’s what gets the chemistry started.

• A generous attitude. I am patient and kind and giving towards others. I exude Christ’s love.

• Flexible. I don’t always have to have my own way. I can compromise.

• Realistic. I am able to manage my expectations and appetite for more and bigger.

• Trustworthy and trusting. I am not jealous or possessive. I keep my promises. 

• I am not contentious or argumentative.

One way of determining good personal characteristics is to draw up your own lists of what you do and don't desire, and then make sure you are all of those things, too. If you read through the book of Proverbs, you will get a great sense of what good character looks like on the practical side of life. 1 Corinthians chapter 13 gives you a guideline for being loving. James chapter 1 is also a good chapter to read.