Are People Walking On Eggshells Around You?

One sure way of killing relational intimacy is making people around you ‘walk on eggshells’. You might be a wife, husband, employer, friend, employee or son or daughter. It doesn’t matter what the relationship is – if you are basically touchy, you will be treated differently.

Easily Hurt, Offended or Angered

Are you one of those people who seem to get wounded by everything? Gentle and friendly teasing is misinterpreted? You feel like a victim and powerless? Crying comes easily and you pull back quickly in defensiveness. You have been called overly sensitive most of your life, but you hate to admit it’s true.

Or maybe you take everything personally and everyone’s motives towards you are suspicious. So many things annoy you and you are constantly judging others’ behaviors and habits. You have a hard time restraining yourself from pointing them out. You have been accused of being ‘parental’, but you feel justified because they are ‘offensive’ or ‘wrong’.

Then there are those who have a short fuse. You are both easily hurt and offended, but respond angrily. You know you are one of these people because those around you seem to be constantly apologizing to you to try to appease you. And you find yourself apologizing to others because you have overreacted and wounded them. 

All of these conditions will cause people to feel unsafe around you. They may be very cautious about sharing anything that they believe may set you off in some way. If you blame them for not trusting you and sharing more deeply, they will only further distance from you. That will make you feel more lonely and isolated. You may or may not have reached the level of emotional abuse with your actions, but you can't deny that you are pretty controlling or manipulative.

Wounds From The Past

There may be some understandable reasons why you react this way. Past hurts or trauma from abuse or neglect may be affecting you. There might be unresolved grief from losses not yet accepted. Whether you judge it fair or not, you are solely responsible for the way you behave. You cannot place expectations on others to compensate for your losses. You can only work to grieve the losses and own your own pain. Sharing these experiences with trusted people will help to relieve some of the tenderness.

Walking on eggshells is very difficult, and is sad for everyone. Healing requires humility, forgiveness, self-control and courage. It begins by surrendering your pain at the foot of the cross of Jesus.

"Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” 
Romans 12:18 (NLT)

Hard and Soft Boundaries

I heard a true story of a rural elementary school that was built on a large piece of real estate. When it was built there was no need to fence it in because there were no safety dangers. The teachers on yard duty just had to keep an eye on the group as they played during recess. As time went on, the adjacent area grew busier and the rural streets were paved and car traffic came closer to the school. The teachers had to set an imaginary boundary for the kids quite a distance from the street for safety. But now the kids’ play area was greatly curtailed. The balls would often roll into the “forbidden zone”, but the kids couldn’t fetch them without adult assistance.

Eventually a high fence was constructed around the play area close to the street that included the formerly off-limits part. The kids could once again use the entire playground because it was safe. Where the imaginary line had been mostly adequate, it had still carried some limitations and risk.

This is a great example of soft vs. hard boundaries.

Whether hard or soft, they are both designed to protect. In relationships they either protect us or others, or both. In abusive relationships, hard boundaries are usually set (“Do that one more time and I leave.”) A soft boundary I might set is to avoid talking about a particular subject (like politics) with certain people. I do not want to cut off the relationship, but I do want to avoid the danger zone.

Another soft boundary might be with time issues. With someone who is constantly late, I might be flexible to a certain degree – but when they are excessively late I may confront them or cancel an appointment or date. In this case I extend some grace but protect them from my anger or resentment when they push my limit.

When interventions are done with addicts, the family and friends always set a “bottom line”. This is a classic hard boundary – and it is absolutely necessary. It is usually very difficult for the family, but love for the addict compels them to suffer the pain of setting and following through no matter what. But if they waffle on the hard boundary in any way the intervention will be a failure. Softer boundaries can be set when the addict completes treatment.

I hate to set boundaries. I don’t like conflict. I hate for people to be displeased with me. But when we set boundaries, people will be angry or disappointed with us. It is unavoidable. I have had family members voice this to me directly. But I am willing to endure the discomfort in favor of emotional health.

Sometimes we set hard boundaries because we are unwilling to navigate the uncertain waters of softer ones. This is a mistake because it often wrecks or ends relationships. We have to be very careful not to set limits with anger or hostility. The goal is not to punish, but protect.

How about you? Do you struggle with this issue? Do you have a hard time settings limits, perhaps because of codependency? Are you harsh in the way you handle disappointments with people? Are you in denial about the need for certain limits in your life? Are you suffering because you are afraid to make a healthy choice, even when you know it must be done?

Those who are in abusive relationships often struggle the most with this issue. If this is you, get some help. Strengthen yourself by enlisting a support team and experiencing the kind of freedom that God would want for you. You might start by reading the book “Boundaries” by Cloud & Townsend.  

Hurting The Ones You Love

Last week at our premarrieds class we invited guest speakers to address our hopefuls. The couple shared their story which involved long standing emotional abuse – and subsequent recovery from almost certain divorce. It is easy to identify physical abuse because it is so obvious, but not necessarily so with other forms.

We all probably know the cycle of abuse.

The perpetrator acts out and alienates the victim. The victim withdraws, and perhaps threatens to leave. Then the perpetrator may blame and threaten the victim for causing the problem, but eventually “repents” and asks forgiveness and swears to never hurt them again. There may be true intentions to change, but at some point they lose it, and the cycle repeats. I have seen this, and probably so have you.

In this scenario the abuser knows that they have a problem, but feels unable to fully control themselves. Getting help is hard because it involves a lot of shame. Usually they get help when the victim finally holds a boundary, or they cross paths with the legal system and are required to deal with it. Often the abuse is accompanied by alcohol or drug problems. 

What makes it doubly hard is when the abuser is in denial of his/her problem. They may be continuing a family pattern, so it feels normal to them. Sometimes what is less clear is what really constitutes abuse.

Is raising your voice in an argument abuse? Is stubbornness to act or make changes abuse? Is not listening to your partner abuse? Is refusing to cook or do housework abuse?

Both Nan and I have heard women claiming emotional abuse simply because their partner does not agree with them. Would you classify that as abuse? We don't.

We have discovered that abuse is not gender specific – it can come from either men or women. And what is unopposed is the truth that it destroys relationships and families. Although anger is the most obvious indicator, that is not always the case. Sometimes it is rigid control. At the root is usually unresolved childhood or adolescent issues. 

Do not allow this relationship destroyer to continue -- it is not God honoring. Face it and get help.   

If you are unsure if you or someone else you know is being abused, or unsure if you are being abusive, go over the following list of the several faces of abuse.  It is quite extensive and covers, physical, spiritual, sexual, financial, emotional and immigrant abuse. 

Off The Table - Extreme Danger Ahead

“You’re just like your mother!”

“You’re just like your father!”

How many times have these phrases been hurled, not as a compliment, but as an expression of contempt?

In every relationship there are certain things that should be “off the table”. These are oHOHHsubjects or phrases or actions that are simply too inflammatory or hurtful. If I cross the line on these, I may do irreparable damage to the relationship, or at least break trust to an extent that it may be a long time before my partner is willing to let me get emotionally or physically close again.

Often, we toss out these remarks as reminders of past sins or failures with the intention to engender shame. But why would we do this to someone we supposedly care about?

I believe it is one way we try to control other people. When I am angry or upset, I am feeling a loss of control and my response is to try to gain it back. In my attempt to feel secure again, I may use maladaptive methods to manage my anxiety over this loss of power.

Every couple should talk about the issues in their lives that fall into this category and should agree to never tread on those tender places. To do so intentionally is simply unacceptable, sometimes even cruel, and may place the relationship in grave danger. I believe this can be especially helpful for those who are not yet married and desire to minimize potential hurt and conflict.

What are common things that should be 'off the table' for couples?

• Threatening divorce

• Foul or abusive language, cussing, insults

• Rage (as opposed to anger)

• Threatening abuse: physical, financial

• Withholding affection for an extended time

If you have already crossed these boundaries in a relationship, intentionally or otherwise, it would be wise to humbly address your errors. It may be an opportunity for sincere repentance and apologies which opens the way for forgiveness and restoration. In some relationships these hurts might be so deep or the relationship so fragile that you may require the assistance of a pastor or counselor.

Psalm 139

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;

      test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 ²⁴ Point out anything in me that offends you,
      and lead me along the path of everlasting life.