Us-Them Thinking

One of my pastor mentors often refers to what is called “us-them” thinking in the church. What he is referring to is the tendency to see a separation between leadership and congregants or believers and non-believers, etc, etc, etc.

Why do we do this? Sometimes it can be a form of pride or arrogance, but most often it flows from tradition or wanting to fit in. In its extreme it can be quite toxic, putting up a wall with a sign that says either “You’re not welcome” or “You’re not qualified”.

Of course it’s not just in the church where this can exist. All organizations or groups have the potential to set themselves apart. Sometimes it is quite necessary, as in the military, etc. There needs to be qualifiers. But for us in the church it can be an unwanted barrier.

I (Dave) had been raised in the church from the time I was born – but I took a long rebellious break before I returned. In the interim a lot had changed. My traditional Presbyterian experience was different from the post Jesus People movement and Pentecostalism that I encountered. I ran into a lot of new “markers”.

Markers determine who is “inside” and who is “outside”.  For example in some congregations you are outside if you wear a suit and tie. In others it is an expected uniform. Another marker is raising your hands in church. If you do then you are considered an insider, if not you are probably a guest or seeker. There is also marker language – we call it “Christianese” when we use phrases that are not typically part of everyday language, i.e.: “traveling mercies” or “angels camping around your house” etc. Those kinds of phrases can create us-them thinking.

There can even be this kind of thinking within the Christian church world itself, where one church or denomination can feel superior to another.

“We have the real truth.”

“We have a special calling from God.”

“We have the Holy Spirit operating in our midst in a unique way.”

We might call this hyper-spiritual thinking.

Or how about the “Black Church” vs. the “White Church”? That divide is so sad.

In the mental health field there can also be us-them thinking – us “mentally healthy”, them “mentally ill”. The truth is that mental health is a continuum that is constantly shifting. Some days I am much more mentally healthy than others.

Regardless, if our goal is inclusiveness and the expansion of the family of Christ, shouldn’t we be breaking down walls instead of creating them?

My Marriage, Your Marriage

As I was archiving old counseling files this week I scanned through the reasons that clients gave for seeking counseling. Most were pretty routine: improve communication or conflict resolution, deal with an affair, etc. But one really struck me.

My wife is unhappy with her marriage, but I am happy with mine.

I think I read it a few times as I considered the response. Can people really see their marriages as separate entities? His marriage? Her marriage? We see marriage as a “oneness” or “us” relationship. I did not dig into the file further (confidentiality), but it did get me thinking about his viewpoint and what might be the reason for the relational disconnect.

• Spiritual Disunity If two people are not on the same spiritual wavelength it is entirely possible to view the marriage differently. One person could feel very discontented with the lack of intimacy they experience when the spiritual connection is absent. They may be living with an entirely different values framework. We know, because we have lived it.  In Christian parlance we call this being unequally yoked. 

• Lack of Emotional Connection When a couple does not have good emotional connection, it is hard to feel empathy for the other person. This can leave a spouse feeling very alone in a marriage. One of the partners may not be aware (or care) while the other is deeply wounded by the emotional distance. 

• One Spouse is a Taker In some relationships there is a husband or wife who always seems to get their way. The relationship becomes very one-sided as he or she comes out on top in every conflict or decision. This person has a high satisfaction in the marriage because things always fall into place for them. However, the other half of the marriage (who may be codependent) is left feeling like they have very little power and always has to give, and never receive in order to keep the marriage stable. 

• Change or Growth Nan just commented that one other common reason is when one person has gone through a significant change in their life. It could be normal, like pregnancy or menopause, or not so positive, like an illness, a job loss, or a stressful job change. Emotional or spiritual growth also can cause a significant separation in a marriage. When one spouse enters counseling alone, or deals effectively with an addiction it affects the other spouse. They may have just lost their drinking buddy or lost some other aspect of the relationship that was comfortable or predictable. They will often “cry foul” and complain that this isn’t the person they married; they liked it the way it was. However, if the couple enters counseling together this adjustment is usually easier on both of them and may avert potential marital drift. 

Whatever the reason may be, in order to thrive, a marriage must have unity. When one person is distressed, the marriage is distressed. There is no win/lose in relationships – either we both win, or we both lose.

Fillers & Drainers

A while ago I sat down and wrote out a list of things that fill me up or drain me emotionally. I wrote it on a 3x5 card – fills on one side and drains on the other. I’m not sure if it was an exercise that was suggested by something I read, or just another one of those random things I do every once in a while. But I found the card in a pile of papers and looked it over again. I’ll share a bit later.

How about you? Have you ever thought about fillers and drainers?

I have been reading a book by John Ortberg about his relationship with Dallas Willard, the great philosopher-theologian. (Soul Keeping: Caring For the Most Important Part of You) I thought how timely my little list was as I thought about caring for my soul. One of the passages in the book stuck out.

“People in churches — including pastors — have been crushed with guilt over their failure at having a regular quiet time or daily devotions. And then, even when they do, they find it does not actually lead to a healthy soul. Your problem is not the first fifteen minutes of the day. It’s the next twenty-three hours and forty-five minutes. You must arrange your days so that you are experiencing total contentment, joy, and confidence in your everyday life with God.”

As I looked at my list of draining items, I realized that I couldn’t control all of them. Some just were. Some I could control a little and a couple others I could probably control more significantly. But Dallas said we should experience total contentment, etc. Puzzling, isn’t it? We can only eliminate a certain degree of negativity from our lives.

But another one of his quotes helped me to get closer.

“Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day. You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.”

I noticed that this wasn’t on my lists. But I realized that it was a key concept. Hurrying through life often means missing the joy of life, the “being present” of living. But he also said a key was “arranging your days” – and that implies that you have some control. If I can arrange my days so that I add in good things and try to limit the negative aspects when possible, perhaps it will be more likely that I can be present with God throughout the day. Of course, I must first desire to be with God – and bend my thoughts in that direction.

So on to my lists.

Fillers: 

• Music
• Solitude
• Beauty – ocean, mountains, etc
• Reading
• Counseling/Mentoring
• Teaching
• Hanging out with Nan
• Dinners out 

Drainers: 

• Family Problems
• Excessive Work
• Anxiety about Health, Aging
• Traffic
• Pessimistic or Resistant People
• Politics
• Having to Manage People
• Monotony
• Noise 

So how about you – do you have your own lists? Can you add to mine?