My Marriage, Your Marriage

As I was archiving old counseling files this week I scanned through the reasons that clients gave for seeking counseling. Most were pretty routine: improve communication or conflict resolution, deal with an affair, etc. But one really struck me.

My wife is unhappy with her marriage, but I am happy with mine.

I think I read it a few times as I considered the response. Can people really see their marriages as separate entities? His marriage? Her marriage? We see marriage as a “oneness” or “us” relationship. I did not dig into the file further (confidentiality), but it did get me thinking about his viewpoint and what might be the reason for the relational disconnect.

• Spiritual Disunity If two people are not on the same spiritual wavelength it is entirely possible to view the marriage differently. One person could feel very discontented with the lack of intimacy they experience when the spiritual connection is absent. They may be living with an entirely different values framework. We know, because we have lived it.  In Christian parlance we call this being unequally yoked. 

• Lack of Emotional Connection When a couple does not have good emotional connection, it is hard to feel empathy for the other person. This can leave a spouse feeling very alone in a marriage. One of the partners may not be aware (or care) while the other is deeply wounded by the emotional distance. 

• One Spouse is a Taker In some relationships there is a husband or wife who always seems to get their way. The relationship becomes very one-sided as he or she comes out on top in every conflict or decision. This person has a high satisfaction in the marriage because things always fall into place for them. However, the other half of the marriage (who may be codependent) is left feeling like they have very little power and always has to give, and never receive in order to keep the marriage stable. 

• Change or Growth Nan just commented that one other common reason is when one person has gone through a significant change in their life. It could be normal, like pregnancy or menopause, or not so positive, like an illness, a job loss, or a stressful job change. Emotional or spiritual growth also can cause a significant separation in a marriage. When one spouse enters counseling alone, or deals effectively with an addiction it affects the other spouse. They may have just lost their drinking buddy or lost some other aspect of the relationship that was comfortable or predictable. They will often “cry foul” and complain that this isn’t the person they married; they liked it the way it was. However, if the couple enters counseling together this adjustment is usually easier on both of them and may avert potential marital drift. 

Whatever the reason may be, in order to thrive, a marriage must have unity. When one person is distressed, the marriage is distressed. There is no win/lose in relationships – either we both win, or we both lose.

Life Transitions

Transitions are a mixed bag. Sometimes they are exciting, like a new marriage or an upgrade in our living circumstances. And sometimes they are less than exciting – the loss of a job or having to deal with a permanent illness. Either way, there is likely to be anxiety.

Why anxiety? There is always an unknown element and an adjustment period.

Experts have predicted that it can take up to three years for a person relocating to a new city, away from friends and familiarity, to feel comfortable and at home again in the new location. I have had a good many friends who have made major moves and they can attest to truth of this. Even when the move was desirable and planned, the change was not easy or quick.

I know that there will come a time when we must move from full time employment to part time – and then to who knows what. It is inevitable, but will I welcome it, or will I resist it?

How about the transition from adolescent to adult? From young married adults to parents? Or from parents to empty-nesters? Some look forward to the day, but others delay the changeover to the very last possible moment.

The Bible is full of these life transitions – accounts of long journeys, captivities, men appointed by God to be kings and prophets and disciples. Many left families, countries and comfort to respond to the call of God. I’ll bet there was a lot of fear and anxiety.

There are other kinds of transitions, too. The kinds that are not visible. Moving from bitterness and resentment to forgiveness, greed to giving, violent to peaceful, angry to calm, addicted to sober and fearful to confident. These too, are major life shifts, and may take time to adjust to.

Will people accept those changes, even when they are positive or will they want the old man or woman back, the one that they have assigned to a particular category? Good changes can often stress out a relationship almost as significantly as negative ones in certain cases.

My favorite transition is the one Jesus offers – a new life free of condemnation. This is a transformation from the inside out. Is it visible? Some say that there is light in the eyes of the believer that did not exist before making the decision to follow Him. It may be visible in the different decisions he or she makes in everyday life. Hopefully it will be visible in the way he loves and cares for others.

The Relationship Center exists to assist people in their life transitions, whether internal or external. We would love to hear your story. 

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT) This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!