2 Things I learned From You

I love when I learn from clients. So many of my clients are lifetime learners, alert to growth opportunities from multiple sources. And delightfully, they often share some of those insights and snippets of knowledge with me.

In the past couple of weeks I have learned two valuable pieces of wisdom regarding relationships. 

• The woman must set the physical boundaries in a relationship, and a man must set the emotional boundaries in a relationship. 

Yes, I know that this is a generalization, but I have found that it is largely true. Men will usually press for as much physical connection as the woman will allow. It is his nature. Good men are aware that this aspect of his temperament must be controlled, but it is still very difficult for him, and a woman must lead in this area. It is a good thing that he has a strong sexual desire because it is a motivation to form relational bonds. But out of control it will create relational chaos.

For most women, containing her emotional quantity and intensity is her challenge. Her desire for relational connection and “face to face” time will often overwhelm a man when she is unrestrained. So it becomes necessary for a man to set a limit on how much intimate connection he is able to absorb without becoming emotionally flooded. When he is over his limit, the message he will give off (usually through body language) will often be interpreted as not caring or not interested in what the woman is saying. It isn’t usually true, it’s just that he is emotionally saturated and shutting down.  

The second thing I have learned this week also concerns relationships. 

• When a man feels disrespected he will often stop fighting FOR the relationship and start fighting AGAINST it. 

And we know that men can fight both aggressively and passively (or become passive aggressive). He will detach from the relationship by either becoming angry and pushing the partner away, or by withdrawing from intimate or significant connection. Either way he is creating emotional distance as a way to protect himself from the disrespect that he is feeling.

I am not necessarily placing the blame on the woman here. Men can do lots of things to contribute to the destruction of a relationship. They can certainly make it difficult for a woman to respect him. The point here is that if a woman desires for a man to fight for relational restoration and closeness between them, then her best strategy is to show respect even if she is not feeling it at the moment. As Emerson Eggerichs asks in “Love and Respect”, do you believe that he is, at his core, a good-willed man? If so, then he is worthy of your respect. 

Both of these insights came from women who wanted me to understand the power that women can have in relationships when they understand the different natures of men and women. I really do appreciate the vulnerability that this kind of sharing requires and I cherish it. 

Argumentative People

“I don’t think I’m going to ask her to marry me.”

I was surprised. I had been counseling the couple for a while and they seemed pretty well suited for each other. I asked why. He replied “She challenges everything I say. She has a retort for everything I share. She’s just so argumentative.”

As I thought about their conversations, I could really understand what he was saying. I had missed it because she was just so kind in the way she did it. But it was there. So I did what I thought a good counselor should do. I asked if he would be willing to confront her instead of walking away from the relationship. He agreed to talk about it with her in our counseling session.

What happened should have been predictable. When confronted, she argued with him about his perspective. Fail!

Don’t think men won’t do this too.

“He argues with me until he wears me down. He won’t stop – it could go on for hours. Can’t we ever do it my way just once? I can’t take it anymore.”

The truth is, it’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who is always challenging you.

Both genders can feel overwhelmed by the intensity of an argumentative person, leaving them feeling unappreciated and inadequate. Yes, two volatile people might seem to understand each other in the way they do conflict, but they are also the most likely to have 911 called on them. It is usually not a relationship builder.

Why might someone become argumentative?

• I have seen families where this is encouraged. Debating is seen as a way to build strong kids: “Don’t just agree, push back and defend your position.” 

• I have also known people who have overdone it when learning to “find their voice” and protecting themselves from being overpowered. 

• Sometimes it is just a personality trait that has to be brought under the control of the Holy Spirit. 

Are you in a relationship with a disagreeable person and suffering? Are you a disagreeable person and are not fully aware of it? Admitting the truth is the first step to healing. Then work on learning to calm yourself and to seek a win-win compromise instead of a win-lose outcome. 

Phil 4:14-15 Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people.

Unintentional One-Way Relationships

It is a reasonable expectation that relationships that we enter into are two-way, or mutual. In business we provide a service or goods, and in turn we are compensated. The same applies in most of our other relationships, although some are by definition unbalanced, such as parents to minor children.

What happens when adult to adult relationships become unbalanced?

Eventually these one-way relationships will probably fail if the balance is not restored in a reasonably timely manner. Give and take is the name of the game here. After a while we will not stay with a relationship that doesn’t feel fair to us. Friendships, romantic pairings and familial connections are affected by this. Even in marriages, (or maybe especially) when one partner is doing most of the work, it will likely become stressed to the breaking point. 

How do you determine if a relationship is one-way? 

• Are you always the initiator and the other person the responder? This is a sure sign of a one-way relationship. Back off and see what happens.

•  Does someone call you only when they need something from you? Is the content of their conversations always negative, complaining or demanding? Do you always feel emotionally drained after hearing from them? Another one-way relationship you may not have seen coming.

•  Does one person in the relationship earn all the money while the other person spends it? Does the earner also seem to end up with a lot of the domestic chores and maybe even having to manage the family finances? Adults share responsibility as well as privilege.

•  Are a husband and wife both working full-time jobs but only one is carrying the domestic responsibilities? There is sure to be resentment.

• Does one of you have to do all the emotional connecting while the other remains silent? Or is one of you unable to stop talking and let the other person have a chance to have some air time?

•  In a friendship or familial relationship, does one person always “pick up the tab”?

•  Does someone have expectations of you that they don’t have of themselves? Will they even shame you or guilt you to try to control you? Definitely one-way. 

Only God is unconditional in His love and acceptance. We cannot realistically expect it from others. It is good to examine your own heart. Are you mostly a giver or a taker? How might you work to balance out the relationships in your life?

Rewriting Relationship History

I remember a time when Nan and I were facing some challenges. We had been married for more than a dozen years, but hadn’t entered into counseling yet. There were unresolved hurts that had built up over the years and significant breaks in our trust-bond. More and more we were silently (and sometimes not so silently) judging the relationship as poor. Poor moved to terrible, and at one point, terrible to nearly hopeless. Fortunately we entered counseling (me, kicking and screaming a bit.)

By the time we arrived in counseling we had done a good deal of rewriting the history of the relationship. 

What do I mean? We traded our rose colored glasses for pairs of very dark ones. We mentally dragged out all the bad memories and suppressed all the good ones. This is very common with couples when they first enter into counseling after a lot of marital chaos. It is much easier to remember the difficult parts when you are in pain. But this filtering is very unhelpful when you are trying to get unstuck.

Every couples’ session that we do, we start out with affirmations. It reinforces the positive that exists (or existed) in every relationship. It reminds us why we got into the relationship in the first place. It brings a bit of balance to the counseling experience.

An injured person in particular will often be the one to rewrite their story. If they have already mentally begun to move themselves out the relationship they will be looking for “facts” to build their case. The goal is often to be able to say “It never was any good, anyway.”

If you find yourself doing this during tough times, try the following:

• Intentionally think of good times. Remember dates and celebrations and other significant events. 

• Drag out the photo albums and pictures and try to connect with the good feelings. 

• If you save greeting cards, read through them. If you have journals or diaries, go back to them and see what you find.

It is also possible to filter in the opposite direction. We can suppress the painful memories in the relationship in order to not face them. We accentuate the positive and minimize the negative. This is called denial, and can be dangerous. Battered people often do this. Some relationships may not be worth saving, even though the people involved are. 

What about you? Are you guilty of rewriting history? What might you do to change that? As believers in God, we should always be seeking the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Trying Too Hard To Make It Work

I’m all about perseverance. If you are going to survive in any type of sales career (like I have been in for the last 34 years), you will have to acquire a good dose of it. But I have also had to learn when it was time to quit. There is a fine line between being diligent and being self-defeating.

It can be the same in a pre-married relationship.

Sometimes it’s just too hard to close the sale and go from not married to married. I have seen many couples fight an uphill battle trying to “make” a relationship work. Here are a few indicators that you might be trying too hard.

·         The relationship seems more like work than fun. It is necessary to do a certain amount of investigative and other preparatory work before making such a significant commitment. But is most of the joy and delight missing when you are together?

·         There is a lot of conflict.  We go by the 80/20 rule. Are 80% of your interactions positive or do you find yourselves dealing with significant amounts of conflict?

·         You've been in counseling for too long a time. Have you wisely entered into pre-married counseling but discover there are so many challenges that it drags on and becomes more like “trying to save this marriage” counseling?

·         You are constantly being compelled to change. It may be that you feel you are unacceptable to your partner unless you make a lot of changes. Growth is good, but are you being asked to become someone you are not, especially when you like who you are?

·         You have to defend the relationship to family and friends. Do the people that really know you express their concern for you? Do you find yourself having to distance from them in order to preserve the relationship equilibrium?

·         You breakup and makeup several times. Do you go through this cycle expecting that “this time” it will be better and finally work out? Is it hard to admit that you have chosen poorly?

·         You just can’t quite commit. Maybe there is a good reason and God is protecting you. Do you feel restrained in your spirit?

You are not a “loser” because you decide to move on when a pre-married relationship is too hard. You are actually displaying wisdom and maturity. It may be hard for you to trust that God will not abandon you in your desire for a relationship. But I would encourage you to trust regardless.   

Proverbs 14:12 (NLT)

¹² There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.

Brene Brown Video On Vulnerability

It is entirely possible that I am one of the last on the planet to be aware of this TED talk. And if so you can all just laugh (with) me. But I suspect that there will be many that will be challenged and blessed by Brene Brown's short, but powerful video.

For me, I am particularly grateful that I learned about Brene Brown from a couple of my counseling clients.

Go here for video

Two days in a row I was directed to listen to her TED talks -- this one on vulnerability and another on shame. I am grateful because I am committed to not only teach, but to also learn from my younger friends. Over the years I have gained many valuable insights and been referred to excellent books and resources by not giving in to a kind of arrogance of age. Oh, wait, I guess I am talking about vulnerability here -- admitting I don't know everything -- that I don't have the market cornered on wisdom and knowledge, even in my selected field.

The phrase we have always used is "having a teachable spirit". 

For some it may be hard to be vulnerable in this area. It may trigger feelings of inadequacy and shame. Sort of like what the video is addressing. But I see it as an indicator of growth, of maturity.

Are you comfortable and secure in your inadequacies? Can you freely admit them without shame?

I made so many spiritual connections that were implicit, but obvious in this video. Take a listen and tell me what you think.

Depression

One of the most common and insidious issues that counselors deal with is that of depression. Sometimes it is really hard to recognize and at other times obvious but challenging to treat. There are times when it is very deep, but temporary as opposed to less significant, but pervasive.

Here are some myths and truths about depression that can help you to navigate through the muddy waters, largely borrowed from Web MD.

Myths about depression:

1.  Hard work beats depression. Overwork is often a sign of depression, rather than a cure – especially in men.
2.  It’s not a real illness.  Depression affects nearly one in six people and can be a serious illness. It is the leading cause of disability in the U.S.
3. Depression is just self-pity. People that suffer from clinical depression are not lazy or weak. It is a medical condition that affects the brain.
4. Help means drugs for life. Some studies have shown that “talk therapy” can be as effective for mild to moderate depression, however moving through the depression can often be accelerated by medications. It may only be needed temporarily – a bridge across. For deeper depression medications are necessary, but still may not be a lifelong need.
5. Depressed people cry a lot. That is not always true. Some depressed people do not seem sad. They may just emotionally withdraw or suffer feelings of worthlessness or act out in anger.
6. Depression is part of aging. Most older people actually do quite fine, but depression can be overlooked because the symptoms are somewhat different. Aches and pains increase, food is not so appealing, interest in activities is diminished.    
7. Talking makes things worse. Actually it is just the opposite. Sharing the burden is part of the solution. That is why therapy works.
8. Teens are unhappy by nature. Teens often are moody, irritable and argumentative – but not depressed. If moods of sadness last over two weeks it might be good to check it out. Statistically, one in eleven teens develops depression.
9. Depression is hard to treat.  Occasionally depression is treatment resistant, but over 70% of people treated with medications alone eventually became symptom free -- and an even higher percentage when combined with therapy.

Facts about depression:

1.    Men fly under the radar. Men don’t tend to talk about their feelings and are often more difficult to diagnose. They are more likely to act out depression in anger, irritability, or restlessness -- and “self- medicate” by drinking, and other reckless behaviors.

2.    Anyone can get depressed. Women are twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression – but that is because they are most likely to seek help and to admit feelings.

3.   It can sneak up slowly. Depression can be progressive – an increase in symptoms over a long period of time. It can also be a chronic low-level malaise that sucks the life out of your work and relationships.

4.   Family history is not destiny. You may have an elevated risk based on family history, but it is not a sentence for life. Managing life stressors and getting counseling when needed will often hold it at bay.

5.  Depression imitates dementia. In older adults confusion, memory problems and occasionally even delusions can be the result of depression and can often be misdiagnosed as dementia.

6.   Positive thinking may help. Getting a hold of our negative self-talk and taking our thoughts captive in prayer and meditation may have a very positive effect. See Philippians 4:8

7.   Exercise is good medicine. Moderately intense exercise, especially in community or with friends is very helpful to combat the symptoms of mild to moderate depression.

8.  It’s not always depression. Sometimes it really is just grief, sadness and disappointment from negative life events. If the sadness from these events does not eventually lift but becomes chronic in nature, then it is time to check for depression.

9.   Hope for better days is real. Remember that it is hard to feel hopeful when caught in the clutches of depression. But depression is treatable and coping skills can be acquired.

If you or a loved one is either suffering from depression or unsure if you are – please get help. Better days are yet to come.

You might want to check this out:
http://www.dts.edu/media/play/a-christian-looks-at-depression-tom-nelson/