Mean People

Watching a video series one weekend I was reminded of a tragic condition that pops up every once in a while. Most of the time Nan and I are faced with good willed people that really do want to find peace in their relationship. These sessions are not necessarily easy, but usually they are redemptive in nature. But when we experience meanness from a client, our hope fades a bit, especially when the meanness is seen by them as normative and acceptable.

Then we do not have a simple behavioral issue, but rather a heart issue – or more specifically a deep brokenness or sin issue.

I would define meanness as the act of exacting revenge or punishing another person. It is often intentional, but it doesn’t have to be. Sometimes it flows from disordered thinking that cannot be brought under control. The person can’t imagine an alternative way to react to circumstances. Unrestrained blaming and anger and withholding are common tactics.   

Mean people are often lonely people. Others will eventually steer clear of them and they become isolated and feel abandoned. Their attempts to connect will be met with resistance and it isn’t long before deep resentment sets in. It is truly a sad scenario.

What is it like to be in a relationship with a mean person? Hurtful. Wounding. Frustrating. Does this person really love me? Are they my friend? Do they like me? They seem so disappointed with me. How long should I put up with this?

Sometimes the root cause is depression, anxiety or childhood wounding that has become an unwelcome companion – perhaps for years. For others the core issue is plain selfishness and sin. I want what I want and nobody is going to get in the way of my goals. I refuse to be spiritually surrendered to God, even when I know it is the right thing to do. Either you bend to my will and wants or there will be hell to pay.    

What can you do if you are in a relationship with a mean person?

The Bible says to speak the truth in love. If it is safe to do so, lovingly, but firmly confronting the behavior is the first thing that needs to be done. With some people this works wonders. However, often this is not enough. It might take talk and drug therapy to draw the person from the destructive pattern. You may need to pull back from the relationship until the person becomes more self-controlled.

The good news is that God is in the heart changing business. He is also in the forgiveness business as well. When we are able to recognize and repent of the damage we have been inflicting on those around us, He is right there to catch us and restore us. And when we have been on the receiving end of mean people, He is also there to comfort us in our distress.

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 4:32

Who Are “Your People”

 

I have been doing some reading on brain science lately. It is a fascinating journey into what many call the last frontier of exploration into the human body. Of course this is the part of the body that most affects our counseling world. It is where everything is stored and processed. The brain is where secure attachment is formed, or wires get crossed.

The Good News

Our brains are perfectly designed to provide the structures for successful living. Between both lobes of the brain we are able to sustain physical functioning as well as mental and emotional acuity. The more we learn, the more we are able to understand and correct damage or errant programming.

We are learning that the greatest source of mental health and joy comes from stimulating the right hemisphere of the brain. This is the creative side that is wired for human connection. When we are around others who delight in us, we thrive. It is probably easiest to comprehend when we think of a parent looking into the face of their baby. The left lobe of the brain, which processes language, is not yet online. It is simply through visual connection that the baby receives the message that they are loved. That never changes. Who lights up when they see you? Those are “your people”.

The Bad News

Studies have shown that since at least 2013 there has been an increase in isolation, with a major jump during the pandemic years. We have become accustomed to life online in so many areas. There is a huge convenience in being able to do many things virtually. We now pay bills, do our banking and shopping without having to leave our homes. Entertainment is delivered to our devices. But we lose contact with other human beings. I am grateful that we have the time saving benefit of many of these things, but instead of using the time gained to connect with others, we often just spend more time alone. And the result? It has been suggested that this is the primary reason for the massive escalation of depression and anxiety that we have been experiencing. And it is particularly evident in children and younger people, especially teens.

The Fix – Make God’s People Your People

It should be easy to figure out that reducing isolation and spending more time with “your people” will increase the levels of joy in your life. Introverts will probably need more “one-on-one” time, and extroverts more “one-on-many”. And other people need you to show up to be their source of joy as well. We are natural imitators of others, and that can be a good thing when the people we want to be like are moral, healthy (relatively speaking) and endeavoring to grow emotionally, spiritually and relationally in love and kindness. This is a picture of Christ’s intended church. You probably don’t need more information in you life, at least not the kind you get from endlessly scrolling the Internet. What you do need is more connection. More laughter. More joy.

If you haven’t already, make God’s people "your people". We are hardly perfect, but we are headed in the right direction. Join us. Connect with us.

Girls: He’s Not Going to Change

There is an old saying that a girl marries a guy hoping to change him and a guy marries a girl hoping she’ll never change. The punch line? They are both wrong.  

This is one of the reasons that there is a condition called post-nuptial blues.

We hold high expectations for what we hope will happen after the wedding. But when reality turns out to be different we can become sad and disappointed. That is why we tell pre-marrieds over and over that they should only marry a person if they can accept them as they are – not for their potential. If they never change, can you live with that?

Most guys will change to a degree over the course of a marriage, but they don’t always change in the direction that you want them to. I know that no guy wants to be seen as “a project” and neither does a woman. So if you find yourself thinking in that direction, think again. You both will be happier if you don’t hold that agenda.

Do you have an unspoken list in your head? He will become more spiritual after we marry. She will become more secure and less angry. His work ethic will change. Her work ethic won’t change. I could go on and on – but you get the point. 

I have seen another reason for post-nuptial blues as well, this one particularly for the girls. So much of their focus has been put on “The Wedding” and “The Honeymoon” that marriage seems like a let down. It is as if this is the single defining event of their life and now that it is over there is nothing more to look forward to. Instead of being seen as a beginning, it is seen more like an ending.

This is why Nan & I strongly suggest that weddings are better when they are more modest (apart from financial reasons). Somehow when weddings are not overblown there is more focus placed on the relationship rather than on the ultimate party for friends and family. It is often difficult to convince girls of this when they have held a fantasy wedding in their mind for decades. This might be the first major test of the ability of a couple to come to a reasonable compromise.

Then there is sex. It is wonderful when couples have about the same libido after they get married. But this might be a more difficult adjustment than anticipated. And it may be another reason for post-nuptial blues. Fortunately, most couples that truly love each other will work on doing their best to find ways to please one another in the bedroom. Sometimes it takes intentionality to connect or hold back more often than we would like.

The solution for a lot of these issues is often to lower your expectations if you are in a relationship with a partner who has high standards, flexibility and good character. If not, it may be time to move on.   

Passion!

Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines the word “passion” in several ways. One of those definitions is considered obsolete these days: suffering. But I think it is very valuable to use that definition as it applies to life pursuits.

In this culture we would probably consider suffering a bad thing on a first glimpse. And the ways we try to avoid pain is legion. Just consider the popularity of drugs, alcohol and entertainment as methods to escape from boredom, loneliness and reality.

But our willingness to suffer for something we love or care deeply about is a worthy pursuit.

Don’t misunderstand me. I feel fear, or at least uncomfortable when it comes to the thought of suffering - especially when the pain is needless or pointless. But if I am passionate about the goal I am pursuing it changes my perspective.

• I am passionate about my marriage, but it has been painful at times.

• I am passionate about my career, and it has been very difficult as well. 

• I am passionate about my faith, and I have struggled with doubt and fear and guilt.  

• I am passionate about emotional wellness and my inner journey, but depression and anxiety has followed me along the road at times. 

         “Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.”  C. S. Lewis 

• I am passionate about the condition of our country, but I have suffered painfully with its decline. 

• I am passionate about music, but having self-discipline to practice on my instrument has not always been an easy pursuit.

Whatever you are not willing to suffer for, you are not ready for – relationships, especially.

What are you willing to suffer for? What means so much to you that you will push past the pain? What goal is so significant that you are willing to volunteer your precious time or money to achieve it? 

Psalm 105:4 (NLT)

Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him.

Comfort and Joy

By now almost everyone is aware of what is called the “holiday blues” – waves of sadness that overtake people who have: experienced losses in their lives on or around the holidays; or who have become acutely aware of the people, finances, or relationships that have disappeared or never existed.

Our tendency when we encounter these people can be to do one or two things that are not helpful.

The first is to try to fix them or cheer them up. We offer suggestions on how to get rid of the feelings. Or we try to distract them, as if they were children that need to be redirected. Or we offer lame platitudes that only make them feel worse.

The second is to distance ourselves from them as if they carried a contagious disease. And in some ways they do. It is hard to be around people who are sad without us also being infected or affected.  It can be especially difficult during a season that is naturally joyful for us, or where we are having a hard time accessing the spirit for ourselves.

We, as a culture, don’t seem to deal well with grief in ourselves or others. There is a tendency towards denial of our limitations, whether dealing with our or others lifespan, our accomplishments, our capabilities or other forms of personal power. But we are limited, and when we come up against one of these barriers, there is loss involved, and where there is loss there is sadness. We feel our powerlessness and lack of control and we grieve.

So what do we do when we find ourselves with friends and family experiencing the holiday blues?

We come alongside. We just sit with them and listen to them. We offer the warmth of our presence, our smiles and our touch. We offer them a safe haven and let them grieve.

What if we are the one going through the sadness?

We need to not isolate from people. We need to seek community and get involved. We need to let people comfort us when they are willing. And we need to look outward and try to focus on others. Nothing seems to lift our spirit like serving others in some capacity.

One way to change negative associations with the holidays is to build new, positive memories. We can initiate new rituals (like participating in volunteer efforts) and respond affirmatively to invitations to gather.

So where is the joy?

We can turn to God in prayer. We serve a God who understands our pain. Jesus experienced great loss and pain during his time in the world. He knew He could not leave us alone in our suffering and so He sent His Holy Spirit to dwell with us and comfort us. He promised that He would turn our mourning into dancing.   

2 Corinthians 1:    ³ All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. ⁴ He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 

Depression

One of the most common and insidious issues that counselors deal with is that of depression. Sometimes it is really hard to recognize and at other times obvious but challenging to treat. There are times when it is very deep, but temporary as opposed to less significant, but pervasive.

Here are some myths and truths about depression that can help you to navigate through the muddy waters, largely borrowed from Web MD.

Myths about depression:

1.  Hard work beats depression. Overwork is often a sign of depression, rather than a cure – especially in men.
2.  It’s not a real illness.  Depression affects nearly one in six people and can be a serious illness. It is the leading cause of disability in the U.S.
3. Depression is just self-pity. People that suffer from clinical depression are not lazy or weak. It is a medical condition that affects the brain.
4. Help means drugs for life. Some studies have shown that “talk therapy” can be as effective for mild to moderate depression, however moving through the depression can often be accelerated by medications. It may only be needed temporarily – a bridge across. For deeper depression medications are necessary, but still may not be a lifelong need.
5. Depressed people cry a lot. That is not always true. Some depressed people do not seem sad. They may just emotionally withdraw or suffer feelings of worthlessness or act out in anger.
6. Depression is part of aging. Most older people actually do quite fine, but depression can be overlooked because the symptoms are somewhat different. Aches and pains increase, food is not so appealing, interest in activities is diminished.    
7. Talking makes things worse. Actually it is just the opposite. Sharing the burden is part of the solution. That is why therapy works.
8. Teens are unhappy by nature. Teens often are moody, irritable and argumentative – but not depressed. If moods of sadness last over two weeks it might be good to check it out. Statistically, one in eleven teens develops depression.
9. Depression is hard to treat.  Occasionally depression is treatment resistant, but over 70% of people treated with medications alone eventually became symptom free -- and an even higher percentage when combined with therapy.

Facts about depression:

1.    Men fly under the radar. Men don’t tend to talk about their feelings and are often more difficult to diagnose. They are more likely to act out depression in anger, irritability, or restlessness -- and “self- medicate” by drinking, and other reckless behaviors.

2.    Anyone can get depressed. Women are twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression – but that is because they are most likely to seek help and to admit feelings.

3.   It can sneak up slowly. Depression can be progressive – an increase in symptoms over a long period of time. It can also be a chronic low-level malaise that sucks the life out of your work and relationships.

4.   Family history is not destiny. You may have an elevated risk based on family history, but it is not a sentence for life. Managing life stressors and getting counseling when needed will often hold it at bay.

5.  Depression imitates dementia. In older adults confusion, memory problems and occasionally even delusions can be the result of depression and can often be misdiagnosed as dementia.

6.   Positive thinking may help. Getting a hold of our negative self-talk and taking our thoughts captive in prayer and meditation may have a very positive effect. See Philippians 4:8

7.   Exercise is good medicine. Moderately intense exercise, especially in community or with friends is very helpful to combat the symptoms of mild to moderate depression.

8.  It’s not always depression. Sometimes it really is just grief, sadness and disappointment from negative life events. If the sadness from these events does not eventually lift but becomes chronic in nature, then it is time to check for depression.

9.   Hope for better days is real. Remember that it is hard to feel hopeful when caught in the clutches of depression. But depression is treatable and coping skills can be acquired.

If you or a loved one is either suffering from depression or unsure if you are – please get help. Better days are yet to come.

You might want to check this out:
http://www.dts.edu/media/play/a-christian-looks-at-depression-tom-nelson/

DABDA

When we think about grief and grieving, we often think of the death of someone close to us. But that is not the only kind of grief that we experience. As a matter of fact we can go through grief when we experience any kind of loss – and the more significant the loss, the deeper the grief.

Some of the losses are tangible, as in the death of a person or pet or the loss of a job or relationship. But other losses are less tangible, like the loss of security, or our youth, or our mental sharpness. All of these losses matter, and if not dealt with, they can build up in us and take their toll.

Sometimes we think we shouldn’t feel these losses as deeply as we do, or feel them at all. But this is not a helpful attitude. Neither minimizing nor denying their existence will offer release. Only in admitting the pain and moving through it will you be able to be free of the hold it may have over your life.   

Grief must be shared. It cannot be released in isolation. You must seek a safe, compassionate person or group of persons who are willing to walk with you through the pain. Walking with a person means doing more listening and less talking. It takes maturity to do that well, but what a gift it is. James 1:19 says to be quick to listen and slow to speak (and slow to anger). How appropriate that is when applied to grief.

The traditional steps of grief are: Denial(of the loss), Anger(at the loss), Bargaining(to restore the loss), Depression(at the weight of the loss) and Acceptance(of the loss) – mostly in that order and mostly applicable to all forms of loss. Hence, the acronym DABDA. 

I have found that many people will often cycle between anger and depression. The cycle goes something like this: the inability to reverse the loss leads to anger which leads to a feeling of powerlessness that results in depression. Then a person may become angry at the depression until the powerlessness over the loss once again overtakes them and returns them to a state of depression. 

If we grieve in a healthy way, we eventually accept the loss and move on. If we do not, we may find ourselves stuck. At this point it might be wise to seek additional help.

All of us experience losses of different magnitudes. If we haven’t yet experienced a significant loss, rest assured it will happen if we live long enough. The goal is to be prepared to accept and give comfort as needed, and to develop resiliency by grieving well.