In couples counseling Nan
will often say:
“Guys have feelings, too. Let’s give him a turn” (to bring
up something for discussion.)
And to tell the truth, a lot of guys have trouble connecting
with their feelings. Or more accurately, they may have a harder time
interpreting and expressing their feelings. I think one of the reasons is that
we, as men, have been given mixed messages about our feelings. On the one hand
we might have been told to suppress our feelings as in:
“Big boys don’t cry.” “Suck it up.” “Put on your big girl
panties and deal with it.”
And to be honest, sometimes that is wisdom. But we also hear
about being “sensitive” and “getting in touch” with our feelings. This, of
course, comes mostly from our women. And this is necessary for true intimacy
with a mate.
The problem is if we are too expressive with our feelings we
risk losing respect from our mate. If we are too restrained we risk losing
connection and intimacy. It’s a fine balance we guys are supposed to maintain.
So do guys actually have feelings?
Have you ever seen a guy shredding on an air guitar? Have
you ever seen a guy dominating on air drums? That’s some real feelings being
expressed!
For those guys feeling challenged in this area, I suggest one
way could be by adding a big dose of music to your diet – all kinds of music. Music
has the ability to pull various emotions out of us: joy, anger, sadness,
longing, loneliness, hopefulness, love, despair, silliness, nostalgia,
adoration. It takes sampling a lot of different styles of music to expand our
feelings repertoire – not just songs from the pop culture.
What we tend to do is listen to music that reflects our
mood, rather than changes our mood. This also is helpful in getting in touch
with our feelings. If I don’t know what I’m feeling, the music I listen to might
give me a clue. Do I tend to listen to sweet classical music or joyful rock
music, angry rap or cynical country? Do I use music to boost my mood, or to
cope with life and/or escape from reality for a while? All of this is helpful
to connect us with our inner world.
So, do guys have feelings too? Yes, but usually not as in
your face as women do. Ladies, try this: put on some music and observe its
effect on your guy. Does it change him in any way? Do you like what you see?
I love what worship music in particular does for me. I know that
is why music was created in the first place – to connect us to God, to express
our gratitude. But it also connects me to myself, to my feelings.
I would like to make a shameless plug for a couple of my
friends’ musical projects. Shameless because they are so excellent. Check out
their web pages. Let their music enrich your life.
These are just a couple of recent projects I've selected from a multitude of talented artist friends.
