When the New Year is Not Happy

I love the excitement that people generally have as a new year approaches. It’s as if all the bad stuff is left behind and only the hopeful is ahead. I have spent many a New Year’s Day feeling this way. There had been a new musical instrument or accessory under the Christmas tree waiting to be mastered or vacation plans in the works for the coming year. But for some the new year doesn’t seem so delightful.

What if the phrase “Happy New Year” doesn’t ring true for you?

• You were hoping for an engagement ring, but it didn’t happen. 

• It feels like the best years are behind you.     

• It’s another year where you are disappointed with your job or can’t find work. 

• You were hoping that family relationships would have been mended for this holiday season, but it just got worse. 

• It looks like another year ahead feeling alone, overwhelmed and broke. 

• Your cancer treatments are ahead of you, not behind.

I don’t have something to propose that will solve all these problems – but you already knew that. You have probably been told repeatedly that life isn’t fair and (unhelpfully) told to just get over it.

What I do have to offer is this: 

Life is always better when you do it with others, in community.

When you are sad or discouraged, connecting with others might be the last thing you want to do. But I assure you, it is the best strategy. There are just some circumstances that are more than you can handle – they are just too heavy. But God has advised us not to try to bear them alone. Galations 6:2 says: "Share each other's burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ." When you tell others your story, an exchange takes place that cannot be measured, but it can be felt.

Even in the worst of times we can also work on our gratitude list. There are always things we can be thankful for. It is a very individual list – I can show you mine, but yours will be different. For those of us who are in Christ, there is a life ahead without suffering, and for all, a life today where we are deeply loved by Him, even when we don’t feel it.

The other thing we can do is to dream. Dreams cost nothing and they travel everywhere. They can be big or small, but they say “I am not finished with life.” 

"When you cease to dream you cease to live."  Malcolm Forbes 

Help! I'm Out Of Money

According to 2023 data, the poverty line in California for 2 people is $3325/mo, or slightly under $40,000/yr. Also, according to the 2024 Retirement Confidence Survey from the Employee Benefit Research Institute, nearly 30% of people have virtually nothing saved for retirement, and 33% have less than $50,000 in total savings and investments.  

It is always sad to sit with couples in counseling who have come to retirement age with nothing but Social Security income, and often with debt as well. It puts them at or below the poverty level with little hope for a better financial future. Plus, when one of the spouses passes on, one of the Social Security checks disappears. It might necessitate getting back into the working world when jobs are hard to acquire.

Social Security benefits were never designed to be a substitute for a retirement plan – just a short term supplement when life expectancy was much shorter than it is today. 

Because money can be such a huge area of conflict in a marriage I thought it would be wise to emphasize the importance of taking a serious stance on putting away money for the future no matter what age you might be or what your marital status is at the moment.

What I found to work is:

• Create a very conservative spending plan and stick to it. (I use Quicken to help automate the process.)

•  Treat all raises as money that can either reduce debt or increase savings. 

• Maximize all contributions to employer and government sponsored retirement plans to the best of your ability (401K, 403B, IRA, etc). 

• Take a Dave Ramsey or Crown Financial course. 

• Have automatic withdrawals set-up when possible. It often feels painful to write out a check to a retirement account you might not use for 30-40 years. Think about how it would feel if you had to write separate checks for Federal, State, Social Security, Medicare and SDI taxes every paycheck. (Actually, that might be a good thing.) 

• Use financial counselors when needed. 

• Question and resist new technology – it can be very expensive to keep up with all the newly available offerings. New tech becomes old tech very rapidly.

• Talk to your spouse regularly about money and spending and make sure you are on the same page so that one of you doesn’t sabotage your plan. 

• Dump the entitlement mentality. Never use the phrase “I deserve”. The Bible tells us what we deserve – that’s why we need a Savior. 

What is the goal here? It’s so that you can be a help, rather than a hindrance to others. 

On a Beach Far Far Away

My first experience with a “retreat” was as a child. And for me, it wasn’t so wonderful, and certainly not restful. It was some sort of Christian boy’s camp held at a ranch. It was called Green Acres or Green Oaks or something like that. I was put on a bus with a bunch of kids I didn’t know and told to sit down and be quiet “or else” by the guy in charge. Nice.

The highlights of that long weekend that I can remember were the ability to buy candy at the camp store if your parents had thought to give you some pocket money, and riding a mule that stopped every few feet to relieve itself.

My idea of a retreat today is somewhat different than my early experience. 

There are many kinds of retreats – personal development retreats, educational retreats, spiritual retreats, and just-leave-me-alone-so-I-won’t-go-nuts retreats. Some professions (like raising children) are probably most subject to the last one. I think I’ll call it an emergency retreat. It becomes necessary when the stressors of life overwhelm us. Although I have heard that you can “have a retreat in your own home”, somehow I think the vast majority of us can’t detach enough in our own environments in order to accomplish that. There are simply too many things calling out for attention.

God’s plan for us is to have times of rest. If you are a motivated leader in any capacity, rest may feel like a low priority and an unneeded interruption in a busy life. But those who do not build rest into their lives may find unscheduled “retreats” in the form of doctor or hospital visits. Pastors, counselors, business leaders and medical professionals often fall into this category. But it is not just leaders that need to detach. Employees who work in high stress environments are subject to burnout and overload as well. Taking a couple of mental health days is better than a week of sick days.

Most people will have to have a planned retreat built into their lives. So often a vacation is not a restful retreat, especially if it involves children. A retreat should be free from daily responsibilities, and where kids are involved that is simply not possible. Also, many people make vacations heavy on activities – and that’s not the purpose of a retreat.

On retreats I want to have space to think, to dream, and to recreate without pressure to perform. I also want to be able to spend time with positive sensory input, in other words, just feeling stuff. I like long stretches of uninterrupted “being”, and not doing. I often wrestle with a feeling of anxiety for not accomplishing anything concrete. But then I remind myself that that is precisely the point. I am dealing with the intangibles of life that nourish the soul, like spending time with just me and God. All good retreats offered by churches and other organizations include a heavy dose of this separate time, away from the planned events and connect time.

Recently I posted a question on Facebook asking where you would most like to spend time in retreat: desert, mountain or beach. I would like to ask it here as well. Use the comment box below to describe your favorite formal or informal retreat setting.        

Passion!

Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines the word “passion” in several ways. One of those definitions is considered obsolete these days: suffering. But I think it is very valuable to use that definition as it applies to life pursuits.

In this culture we would probably consider suffering a bad thing on a first glimpse. And the ways we try to avoid pain is legion. Just consider the popularity of drugs, alcohol and entertainment as methods to escape from boredom, loneliness and reality.

But our willingness to suffer for something we love or care deeply about is a worthy pursuit.

Don’t misunderstand me. I feel fear, or at least uncomfortable when it comes to the thought of suffering - especially when the pain is needless or pointless. But if I am passionate about the goal I am pursuing it changes my perspective.

• I am passionate about my marriage, but it has been painful at times.

• I am passionate about my career, and it has been very difficult as well. 

• I am passionate about my faith, and I have struggled with doubt and fear and guilt.  

• I am passionate about emotional wellness and my inner journey, but depression and anxiety has followed me along the road at times. 

         “Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.”  C. S. Lewis 

• I am passionate about the condition of our country, but I have suffered painfully with its decline. 

• I am passionate about music, but having self-discipline to practice on my instrument has not always been an easy pursuit.

Whatever you are not willing to suffer for, you are not ready for – relationships, especially.

What are you willing to suffer for? What means so much to you that you will push past the pain? What goal is so significant that you are willing to volunteer your precious time or money to achieve it? 

Psalm 105:4 (NLT)

Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him.

Hopes and Dreams

In an earlier post I talked about a marital mission being a great way to connect a couple though a shared purpose. How exactly do you find a mission? I think one way is by sharing your dreams; the kind you have when you are awake.

Our imagination is a powerful tool. It may be heavy on the fantasy side most of the time, but it also includes possibilities. I think as we enter this New Year it is a wonderful time to talk about our hopes and dreams.

Nan and I love to talk about life options. We spend time dreaming together about all sorts of ways we could direct our life energy. We talk about places we could go, what our next counseling project should be, where we would like to spend our retirement years and what we would be doing to stay connected and productive.

Will we accomplish all the things we dream about? I sure hope not. We’d be exhausted. But I have no doubt that we will see some of our dreams come to fruition. But there is something else wonderful that happens – we build intimacy as a couple. There are things that we only share with each other during these times. It is a significant way that I get to know Nan deeper and become known by her in return.

The Bible says in Proverbs 13:12 (NLT)

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life."

In the midst of tough times we have to have hope. One way of having hope is imagining a better future and then talking about it – and then being active in pursuing anything that would contribute to that better tomorrow.

What if your circumstances are not going to get better? Where is the hope?

Our hope then is to change our attitude towards the things we cannot control and to look for any positive moments along the way. We begin to take joy in the simple things that under different circumstances we might have missed or ignored.  

Ultimately, for those who are followers of Christ, there is hope in the certainty of heaven that awaits, and a release from all earthly pain and suffering.

Do you have a hard time dreaming? Are you afraid to have hope? Do you believe that God is trustworthy?

Psalm 39:7 (NLT) And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.

Psalm 119:114 (NLT) You are my refuge and my shield; your word is my source of hope.