Before "I Do"

 

It always breaks our hearts when we hear of a new marriage (or any marriage for that matter) going through serious conflict. We wonder what could be going on that trouble has appeared so quickly after the wedding vows have been spoken to each other. What immediately comes to mind is “Did this couple go through pre-engagement counseling? Did this couple go through our ‘Before I Do’ class?” After having taught the class 50 times as well as counseling many couples before and after marriage, I can confidently report that prep work makes a significant difference in the outcome.

What Do We Consider Success?

Not all couples that attend the class or in our counseling room end up in marriage. I remember one of our pastors saying during a sermon (sorry Mark and Tom, I can’t remember) “There is nothing worse than being single and wishing to be married – except being married and wishing to be single.” We can appreciate the sentiment. We consider making a decision to end a troubled relationship before marriage a real success. Some couples just try too hard to make a difficult relationship work before tying the knot.

But of course there are those couples who are well-suited, and with some education and good preparation make it through the first year without much adjustment or conflict. We are so encouraged when we hear positive feedback from these people. They usually say something like: “I don’t know why people say that the first year of marriage is hard. It hasn’t been difficult for us at all.”

What Happens During These Classes and Counseling Sessions?

Usually an assessment is taken to identify areas where the couple is not in agreement or unaware that they have different expectations of marriage. Hopefully the assessment will uncover these “blind spots”. By definition we don’t see what we don’t see.

Also, the prep work includes working on skills: communication, conflict resolution, money management, etc. The difference between a class and private counseling is whereas the class will cover general education, the individual coaching can drill down on issues more specific to the couple including whether to move forward with the relationship or have a “good goodbye”.

What If You Are Already Married?

Having seen so many couples over the years, we can confidently state that it is never too late to learn some basic marriage skills. God’s truths about marriage and righteousness in behavior are not time bound. His wisdom is everlasting and exists outside of current opinion. That is why we adhere to His teachings. Some relationships do not start out well, but that does not mean that course corrections cannot be made.

Some of God’s admonitions are not popular, like saving sex and cohabiting until after marriage. But those warnings are out of love and may well save a lot of pain further down the line, especially if there is a break-up. It may surprise you, but we have seen many couples that have not given in to cultural pressure and faced the altar with purity or renewed purity.

If you are sitting on the fence about getting coaching in this phase of your relationship, I would encourage you to make the decision to invest in your future success by seeking available resources and reap the benefits. It does not have to be professional, just well-informed.

10 Lame Excuses for Divorce

When we face a life or death crisis, all of a sudden pride and superficialities fall away. We become totally emptied out and desperate for God to fill the uncertainty with hope.

I wish it were the same with the imminent possibility of the death of a marriage.

Sadly, instead, the leaving spouse often becomes more prideful and clings to superficialities that support their case for dissolving the marriage. Although not always the case, it is not uncommon for the other, often clueless spouse to become humbled by the pronouncement that the marriage may be over. The positive side of this, if there is one, is that it focuses attention on the marriage problems and may be the only thing that moves a resistant spouse to seek outside help.

Here are the top ten lame excuses people use to justify a divorce. (Thanks to Dr. David Clarke – David Clarke Seminars)

• “I don’t love you anymore.” (Obviously you don’t understand love. You still think it’s a feeling.)

• “I never loved you.” (Really? It was an arranged marriage?)

• “I felt pressured to get married.” (Somebody actually held a gun to your head, huh?)

• “I need to find myself.” (Let us help you – you’re married, perhaps with kids.”)

• “It’s not you, it’s me.” (Now we’re getting to the truth.)

• “I’m having a midlife crisis.” (I guess you think that gives you permission to engage in all kinds of sinful behavior.”), 

• “God wants me to be happy.” (Sorry, not Biblical. He wants you to be holy.)

• “It’s better for the kids.” (No, it’s not. Kids always do better in an intact family, even if it's conflictual.)

• “My needs aren’t being met.” (You haven’t insisted that your needs be met by learning how to effectively confront your spouse.)

• “I’ve fallen in love with my soul mate.” (No, it’s your sin mate. You have compromised your character and integrity.”)

Can you add to my list? I’ll bet some of the counselors out there can.

Busy or Hurried?

I was reading this morning in Soul Keeping (John Ortberg) about the difference between busyness and hurriedness. He described the difference as one is external (busyness) and the other is internal (hurriedness).

How true that is. All of us have lives that are busy. It is almost unavoidable in today’s western culture. We cannot escape all the things that are required of us to function in this way of life. Even if we decided that we wanted to be a hermit, there is still the need to procure food to feed ourselves, the resultant work that is required at some level, and the personal care for our physical, emotional and spiritual circumstances. But the moment we step into marriage, family, community and a robust work life, we complicate our daily existence and multiply our busyness.

But, as Ortberg writes, hurriedness is a product of our mindset or the condition of our soul. It is an internal pace that we have control over. 

Either we allow it to rule us, or we intentionally manage it.    

At this moment I am not busy. I have an abundance of time available. But internally I have a feeling of drivenness, or hurry if you will. What it does to me is to steal away the present, to be fully “in the moment”.  

As I write I find myself being distracted. I get up and walk around although there is nothing that requires my attention. It is not a pressure from the outside in, but rather from the inside out. A couple of little yellow birds catch my eye – I get up and throw some bread crumbs to them. I am present for a few seconds, and then I focus elsewhere.

How do I control this internal pressure? I must cultivate it intentionally – practice it by taking my thoughts captive. 2 Cor. 10:5 says making them obedient to Christ. Obedient in what way? Perhaps it implies obedience to rest, to pursue peace, to be available to God and to others.

In counseling we often talk about changing our thoughts, our inner conversations. All of our outward behaviors begin with our inner thoughts. My reactivity in relationships begins with my inner conversations. When that inner dialog is not hurried, I have time to process and make good decisions. But when my anxious mind tells me that I must make a quick decision, I can really blow it. It has nothing to do with being busy, but everything to do with the state of my soul.

The apostle Paul was probably plenty busy warding off trouble and being involved with the business of evangelism. But I suspect he was in control of his inner life. Otherwise he couldn’t have written the following:

2 Cor. 4:8-9 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

 I think there is a message in there for us as well.

The Many Faces Of Counseling

I suspect that there are some who view counseling somewhat narrowly, based on what they have heard from others or seen depicted on television or in the movies. But the truth is that the field of counseling, as one of the helping or healing arts is very broad.

 Yes, deep psychotherapy is certainly one aspect. Especially where there has been significant trauma, intense work is often needed to bring a person to a place of stability. Because the traumatized person will tend to dysregulate when presented with a triggering event, the brain needs to be retrained to current reality. But this is only one type of counseling.

There are acute events that we would label a crisis, such as a significant car accident, an assault or sudden death. These will usually need immediate support, frequently starting with close friends or family. A counselor might be there from the start, but may be called upon later to process out the feelings of loss. These situations can be traumatic, but they are current as opposed to other forms of early or long term trauma. This is the essence of grief counseling.

Then there are chronic issues of anxiety, depression and personality disorders etc., from minor to severe which require the expertise of a therapist. They are often the presenting issues that motivate a client to ask for help.

Another type is what we would simply call “counsel”. This might be a one off session where a person is seeking advice on a current decision. Pastors and others who are experienced and considered wise can be sought after for their input. There might be a need for spiritual or some other clarification.

Spiritual counseling, often done by clergy or other biblically trained laity walks a person through the teachings of their faith and helps a person understand how to live out the spiritual path they have chosen. It is also known as spiritual direction or spiritual coaching.

Preparatory counseling is a process that is often pursued by those who are contemplating engagement or marriage. It might involve therapy, but usually is more about discovering any blind spots or talking through any unexplored areas of the relationship. This is usually a shorter process, but may continue if significant issues are revealed.

Marriage or relationship counseling can be either reparative or strengths-building. Most couples have hard seasons for one reason or another and find having an outside mediator helpful in processing conflicts or difficult decisions. Usually these are presented to us counselors as problems with communication. It is also very common for couples seek counseling when there has been a trust break in a relationship that needs repairing.

Supportive psychotherapy can be a longer term counseling relationship. This might be where someone has processed through deeper issues and now needs ongoing support to stay on track and directed forward. This might be better described as coaching or mentoring, because it is growth focused and instructive. But it is still a type of counseling.

The one closest to my heart has often been labeled as “re-parenting”, but sometimes is actually better described as substitute parenting because of conditions experienced during childhood years. Parents might have been physically or emotionally missing, or abusive or neglectful. Whatever form of abandonment was present, it left a hole in the person’s upbringing. I consider it especially endearing and a great privilege to step into the role of a dad figure in someone's life.

Underneath my labels sit a plethora of therapeutic approaches and modalities which are the tools of the profession. I am sure that other counselors and therapists could add to my list, but these are the ones that have occupied most of the counseling hours in our practice at The Relationship Center.