Who Are “Your People”

 

I have been doing some reading on brain science lately. It is a fascinating journey into what many call the last frontier of exploration into the human body. Of course this is the part of the body that most affects our counseling world. It is where everything is stored and processed. The brain is where secure attachment is formed, or wires get crossed.

The Good News

Our brains are perfectly designed to provide the structures for successful living. Between both lobes of the brain we are able to sustain physical functioning as well as mental and emotional acuity. The more we learn, the more we are able to understand and correct damage or errant programming.

We are learning that the greatest source of mental health and joy comes from stimulating the right hemisphere of the brain. This is the creative side that is wired for human connection. When we are around others who delight in us, we thrive. It is probably easiest to comprehend when we think of a parent looking into the face of their baby. The left lobe of the brain, which processes language, is not yet online. It is simply through visual connection that the baby receives the message that they are loved. That never changes. Who lights up when they see you? Those are “your people”.

The Bad News

Studies have shown that since at least 2013 there has been an increase in isolation, with a major jump during the pandemic years. We have become accustomed to life online in so many areas. There is a huge convenience in being able to do many things virtually. We now pay bills, do our banking and shopping without having to leave our homes. Entertainment is delivered to our devices. But we lose contact with other human beings. I am grateful that we have the time saving benefit of many of these things, but instead of using the time gained to connect with others, we often just spend more time alone. And the result? It has been suggested that this is the primary reason for the massive escalation of depression and anxiety that we have been experiencing. And it is particularly evident in children and younger people, especially teens.

The Fix – Make God’s People Your People

It should be easy to figure out that reducing isolation and spending more time with “your people” will increase the levels of joy in your life. Introverts will probably need more “one-on-one” time, and extroverts more “one-on-many”. And other people need you to show up to be their source of joy as well. We are natural imitators of others, and that can be a good thing when the people we want to be like are moral, healthy (relatively speaking) and endeavoring to grow emotionally, spiritually and relationally in love and kindness. This is a picture of Christ’s intended church. You probably don’t need more information in you life, at least not the kind you get from endlessly scrolling the Internet. What you do need is more connection. More laughter. More joy.

If you haven’t already, make God’s people "your people". We are hardly perfect, but we are headed in the right direction. Join us. Connect with us.

The Future Of Work

 

Because Nan and I have been primarily working remotely and because I was a business owner for 27 years, I have a lot of interest in the subject of the future of work. Since the pandemic, as everyone is aware, the landscape has dramatically changed. It was like an earthquake, a volcano eruption or a hurricane hit the way we were able to conduct our working lives.

All sources that I have read agree on one thing: hybrid work is the new normal for a great many of jobs.

Of course there are many hands-on jobs that can only be performed in the traditional manner. That goes without saying. But many others are not dependent on physical location. The question becomes what is optimal for both the employer and employee. That might be two different opinions.

The self-employed and entrepreneurs have the most autonomy for making these decisions. Some jobs, by nature lend themselves to the option of remote work – primarily those that are desk-bound in some way or another. Others, which are location specific do not have that alternative choice. Some jobs may place boundaries of a different kind. Licensure or legal permits may narrow down the possibilities.

As I read through the many articles and studies that have written in the last year or so one statistic seems fairly stable. Most people with the option of WFH (work from home) still prefer to have some direct contact with others they work with. Employees are most satisfied when they have flexibility and choice.

Managers Are Stuck In Between

This has been a tough road for management who has to decide on the productivity of a hybrid arrangement, or even full time WFH. Most statistics show that productivity does not go down or even may go up slightly to significantly. What it has revealed is that what has changed is the time frame in which work is performed. Rigid nine to five schedules often will have given way to work performed during alternate times. This is a real benefit to parents and to those who work best in the early morning or late evening. It changes or eliminates commute times and may ease traffic patterns. But it often places additional stress on managers trying to maintain a cohesive work flow.

In looking back at the company we owned, a hybrid schedule could only have worked for some of my employees – those that did the “front office” work. Our outside sales force already did not spend much time in the office (non-productive), but our order fulfillment crew had to be on the premises. From my viewpoint as a sales associate/owner, in-person contact was highly necessary to build relationships, and although desirable, was not necessarily essential to maintain clients. Having sold the business eight years ago, it would be interesting to see how current technology would have changed us. The rapid growth in the online world over the last 5 years could have really had an impact.

Although it would not have changed our particular space needs, for many businesses it has. I have already heard of downsizing and office sharing from some of my current counseling clients. I could see smaller work groups centered around location, but connected to the larger entity by video, or even “always on-camera” groups, but still working from home.

I do believe that as time goes on there will be at least a partial return to the physical office not only by mandate, but also by choice as the isolation feels less appealing. We are social creatures. We need each other to thrive, and part of the way we do that is through our work relationships. Even though Nan’s and my work by definition is relational, virtual connection is still virtual. We can feel a difference. And there is a massive difference between an online versus an in-person church service. Connection is absent – you are not “known”. 

I would suggest that if your work is virtual, you find other ways to maintain live connection, perhaps opting for at least a hybrid work life and in-person church.

Belonging

 I was remembering attending a memorial for a friend this week. These events are always bittersweet for me, and I’m sure for everyone else.. We celebrate a life while at the same time mourning the loss. They grab our attention and trigger all sorts of feelings. Perhaps the younger people don’t fully comprehend the shortness of life, and the value of not wasting energy on things that don’t matter. But many who attended surely do.

As I looked around the room and recognized so many old and new friends I was struck by an intense feeling of belonging. These are my people. This is my extended family. Many of the folks that were in that room would care if something happened to me, just like they cared about our friend. The feeling was “We lost one of ours.”

The Risk Of Isolation

People who isolate, whether physically or emotionally do not experience the “belonging” that I am talking about. There are few intimate stories that can be related about them. But those who have risked being known will have many who can speak about them in detail.

I think the “anonymous” groups like AA are successful because they create a sense of belonging. It doesn’t matter that the reason for being there is the result of pain and error. What matters is the acceptance and the sense of belonging. Like it or not, these are “my people.” Often there is a fierce loyalty that is created.

I have spent many of my years in shallow relationships, afraid to be known. That is a form of emotional isolation. It took a lot of intentionality to break free from operating defensively. Perhaps you can relate. I am not saying that we should develop intimate relationships with everyone. Far from it. Not everyone is safe and worth the risk. But we must find a place where we can belong and seek out the connections that will hold up under stress.

Some people believe they have no relational need outside of their nuclear family. I have seen too many very unhealthy families to agree with that position. Especially when we come from a broken family we need to belong to an extended, supportive group. I am not suggesting that we abandon family (except under dire circumstances), rather just not make the family our exclusive relational world.

Some groups that we belong to are temporary or transitional, like school or work related. Others are more permanent like our church or career. I was in several bands in the early years, but mostly one career. The intensity of the feeling of belonging in each was related to my investment. The more I invested (risk involved) the stronger the sense of belonging.

The Healthy Church

I believe that a healthy church (God’s family, not the building) can be the most genuine expression of belonging that is available to us. Yes, belonging to this family can sometimes be challenging because it is made up of people. However, the underlying stated values, when followed, will be self correcting. These values include love, forgiveness, humility, peacefulness, patience, kindness and many more. When these values are held as essential goals, who wouldn’t want to belong?