CARE. CONNECT. ENCOURAGE.

 

As I was listening to our pastor Tom speak today he accurately stated that what we are facing with the devastation of the current fires is a marathon, not a sprint. I was reminded of the 1991 earthquake where our whole neighborhood gathered in the street after the shaking was over to check on each other. I met people I had never met before even though some were just a few houses away. But very rapidly everything went back to business as usual.

It is normal to kick into emergency mode when we are feeling the rush of adrenaline. We have all seen this on a personal level as well as a global scale. Crises will bring out the best of humanity. Unfortunately it will also bring out the worst as we witness predators looting homes and businesses after a tragedy.

The challenge comes when the shock of the crisis is over and the recovery phase begins. This is when we contend for normalcy and try to put the situation behind us. But for some, normalcy is not possible. They have to live with the losses, and the recovery is long term. And I think for those who have not been directly impacted, this stage of care for others may be the most needed, but also the most difficult aspect to sustain.

What can we do?

We must not forget. We need to keep checking on them with heartfelt interest. The person suffering a loss has not “gotten over it”. They are living with it, often unsuccessfully trying to make sense of the loss. Don’t offer empty platitudes just because time has passed. They may need to express and process the same feelings many times over in order to get some form of acceptance of the loss. Yes, this is the process of grief and we are to grieve with them.

We must not confuse compassion with pity. No one wants to be pitied. It feels condescending. But true compassion means being with someone in their pain, not standing apart from it. Brene Brown has a short animated video on empathy vs. sympathy that I find very helpful. You can watch it here on YouTube.

We remember that we heal in community. Drawing those that are suffering back into a group connection helps them to not feel alone and isolated. A few close friends are essential, but a larger context is also stabilizing. There is a story in 1 Kings chapter 19 where Elijah feels like he is the last survivor to remain faithful to God, but God shows him that there are seven thousand more that have been faithful. He is not alone and that is comforting. It is the same for us. We suffer less when we know we are not alone.

Lastly, we encourage realistic hope. 2 Cor 1:10 says “He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.” At the moment it may not feel like it to those who are grieving, but our faith encourages us to remain a steady voice of hope to others in times of distress. When we are in pain we just want the pain to go away. But just the hope of the pain abating over time may be sufficient to get someone through it. Remember. 

Care. Connect. Encourage.

Belonging

 I was remembering attending a memorial for a friend this week. These events are always bittersweet for me, and I’m sure for everyone else.. We celebrate a life while at the same time mourning the loss. They grab our attention and trigger all sorts of feelings. Perhaps the younger people don’t fully comprehend the shortness of life, and the value of not wasting energy on things that don’t matter. But many who attended surely do.

As I looked around the room and recognized so many old and new friends I was struck by an intense feeling of belonging. These are my people. This is my extended family. Many of the folks that were in that room would care if something happened to me, just like they cared about our friend. The feeling was “We lost one of ours.”

The Risk Of Isolation

People who isolate, whether physically or emotionally do not experience the “belonging” that I am talking about. There are few intimate stories that can be related about them. But those who have risked being known will have many who can speak about them in detail.

I think the “anonymous” groups like AA are successful because they create a sense of belonging. It doesn’t matter that the reason for being there is the result of pain and error. What matters is the acceptance and the sense of belonging. Like it or not, these are “my people.” Often there is a fierce loyalty that is created.

I have spent many of my years in shallow relationships, afraid to be known. That is a form of emotional isolation. It took a lot of intentionality to break free from operating defensively. Perhaps you can relate. I am not saying that we should develop intimate relationships with everyone. Far from it. Not everyone is safe and worth the risk. But we must find a place where we can belong and seek out the connections that will hold up under stress.

Some people believe they have no relational need outside of their nuclear family. I have seen too many very unhealthy families to agree with that position. Especially when we come from a broken family we need to belong to an extended, supportive group. I am not suggesting that we abandon family (except under dire circumstances), rather just not make the family our exclusive relational world.

Some groups that we belong to are temporary or transitional, like school or work related. Others are more permanent like our church or career. I was in several bands in the early years, but mostly one career. The intensity of the feeling of belonging in each was related to my investment. The more I invested (risk involved) the stronger the sense of belonging.

The Healthy Church

I believe that a healthy church (God’s family, not the building) can be the most genuine expression of belonging that is available to us. Yes, belonging to this family can sometimes be challenging because it is made up of people. However, the underlying stated values, when followed, will be self correcting. These values include love, forgiveness, humility, peacefulness, patience, kindness and many more. When these values are held as essential goals, who wouldn’t want to belong?