CARE. CONNECT. ENCOURAGE.

 

As I was listening to our pastor Tom speak today he accurately stated that what we are facing with the devastation of the current fires is a marathon, not a sprint. I was reminded of the 1991 earthquake where our whole neighborhood gathered in the street after the shaking was over to check on each other. I met people I had never met before even though some were just a few houses away. But very rapidly everything went back to business as usual.

It is normal to kick into emergency mode when we are feeling the rush of adrenaline. We have all seen this on a personal level as well as a global scale. Crises will bring out the best of humanity. Unfortunately it will also bring out the worst as we witness predators looting homes and businesses after a tragedy.

The challenge comes when the shock of the crisis is over and the recovery phase begins. This is when we contend for normalcy and try to put the situation behind us. But for some, normalcy is not possible. They have to live with the losses, and the recovery is long term. And I think for those who have not been directly impacted, this stage of care for others may be the most needed, but also the most difficult aspect to sustain.

What can we do?

We must not forget. We need to keep checking on them with heartfelt interest. The person suffering a loss has not “gotten over it”. They are living with it, often unsuccessfully trying to make sense of the loss. Don’t offer empty platitudes just because time has passed. They may need to express and process the same feelings many times over in order to get some form of acceptance of the loss. Yes, this is the process of grief and we are to grieve with them.

We must not confuse compassion with pity. No one wants to be pitied. It feels condescending. But true compassion means being with someone in their pain, not standing apart from it. Brene Brown has a short animated video on empathy vs. sympathy that I find very helpful. You can watch it here on YouTube.

We remember that we heal in community. Drawing those that are suffering back into a group connection helps them to not feel alone and isolated. A few close friends are essential, but a larger context is also stabilizing. There is a story in 1 Kings chapter 19 where Elijah feels like he is the last survivor to remain faithful to God, but God shows him that there are seven thousand more that have been faithful. He is not alone and that is comforting. It is the same for us. We suffer less when we know we are not alone.

Lastly, we encourage realistic hope. 2 Cor 1:10 says “He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.” At the moment it may not feel like it to those who are grieving, but our faith encourages us to remain a steady voice of hope to others in times of distress. When we are in pain we just want the pain to go away. But just the hope of the pain abating over time may be sufficient to get someone through it. Remember. 

Care. Connect. Encourage.

For Leaders (and others)

So the other day I heard, once again, an exasperated leader talking about counseling people in their care.

“I don’t get it. It’s should be so easy. You listen to their story, tell them what they need to do, and then check back with them to make sure they did it. That, along with getting more into the Word and being transparent with a small group for ongoing accountability.”

Of course, then I ask how it’s working for them. And you can guess the answer. Not so very well. So I ask what they think the problem might be.

“People just don’t listen very well” is usually the answer.

Now, I agree with the above synopsis in principle. It’s the distillation of the process down to a neat package that has me shaking my head. I’m afraid people are just a lot more complex than that.  

I really don’t think that people aren’t listening so much as not trusting. It takes time to establish a bond strong enough for someone to be willing to take your advice. And leaders that are exhorters by nature may be operating in that blind spot – underestimating what is required. Sometimes it takes a great deal of investment in a person before their ‘hearing’ improves. Leaders must ask themselves whether they are operating outside of their spiritual gifts when offering counsel.

Romans 5:8 says this: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

It is this establishment of love that draws others towards us and gives us credibility when attempting to speak into their lives. We have another saying that closely relates to the scripture.

“People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

Some people are harder to love and care for than others. It may seem like not worth the effort. But as Christ demonstrated, it is the job of a true leader to be sacrificial. However, the scope of the sacrifice has to be carefully considered. We can only have a limited amount of people drawing on our strength at any one time. Overestimating our emotional capacity can be another blind spot.

I don’t want to discourage leaders. You provide vision and security. Your abilities are a gift to us. Whether you lead solely in your family, or on a much broader platform, you are needed. So don't give up if you find yourself struggling in this endeavor -- but do check for blind spots.