Having a Long View

One of the advantages of working at a large church, as we do, is that we encounter a broad and diverse group of issues, clientele and ages and stages. It gives us a long view on many of life’s struggles. Yes, it poses some additional stressors in that expertise in all areas is not possible. Hence, reliance on the Holy Spirit becomes essential – and also a healthy ability to laugh at oneself.

For us the long view means that we are able to observe the tragedies of abuse, conflict, divorce, abandonment, controlling behavior, emotional and financial dyscontrol etc. while they are current, as well as the results in people’s lives many years afterwards. This is probably the best reinforcement for us as counselors, to remember to hold to our over-goals for our clients when they come in with the complaint “I’m not happy.”

What are over-goals? They are the goals we hold for our clients beyond the goals that they initially express for themselves. 

• An emotional over-goal might be to grow in maturity even if the path leads to having to make uncomfortable decisions. 

• A spiritual over-goal would be to become more formed into the image of Christ even if it means embracing sacrifices. 

• A relational over-goal might be to reconcile broken relationships through forgiveness even if the process is awkward and difficult. 

Everyone wants to be out of pain and “happy”, me included. But often there is a high cost to achieving the kind of happiness I desire.

• Will I abandon my family – wife, husband or children because I don’t desire to carry responsibilities and honor my commitments any longer? Am I too proud or stubborn to try to reconcile a broken and conflictual marriage? 

• Will I spend money I don’t have and “hope” to figure out a way to pay later? 

• Will I engage in behaviors that are against my, God’s and societies moral codes for temporary pleasures?   

• Will I always follow the easiest path I can find, rather than the best?

Making good choices are often the results of having a long-view perspective. I encourage clients to “play the movie forward”. Where will this decision lead you? Into potential trouble down the road? Regret? Bankruptcy? Loneliness? Away from God and significant or beneficial relationships? Or will it likely produce the kind of results you will be proud to claim?

We can’t live a perfect life and shouldn’t try to – only Jesus did that. But we can live a thoughtful one. 

Bitterness

There are times as a counselor when I feel a deep sadness along with a large dollop of frustration. I expect to feel sad as I hear of people’s pain. It is just plain hard to listen to the results of sin, regret, and/or natural or unfortunate circumstances in the lives of people.

But my frustration comes when progress is blocked by a client tenaciously holding on to something of a destructive nature that yields no possible benefit.

Bitterness is one of these with disastrous relational results.

Bitterness separates parents from children, husbands from wives, and congregants from churches. It can rip close friends apart from one another leaving both lonely and dissatisfied. Why would we hold on to such a destructive force as cold resentment when we are quite aware of how it hurts us and others?    

The answer is not very pretty: It is power that can be used to control or punish others and justify our bad behavior. I give myself permission to withhold love and approval. I build a fortress of protection from relational risk. But I am also out of the will of God.

There are times when it is appropriate to set boundaries with people in order to stop or prevent damage. But these boundaries must be set with love with a goal towards restoration, if possible. How can we move towards reconciliation if our heart is cold and hard?

In bitterness spouses will withhold conversation, friendliness or sex, or communicate only in anger, sarcasm or irritability, needlessly maintaining walls of separation. The results are a loveless or shallow marriage. Children will become rebellious and disrespectful and parents will deny the nurturance that all sons and daughter need to become healthy adults.

The Bible says that forgiveness (as opposed to reconciliation) is not an option. And the truth is that often we are the only one that suffers as our heart shuts down. The ability to forgive is both an act of the will and an act of obedience. It is also a supernatural occurrence because the truth is that I rarely feel the strength or the inclination. Can I really utter the words “not my will but thy will be done” in my humanness?

It is with love that I write these words because my joy is in seeing reconciliation and restoration in the lives of people I care about. It is always difficult to be the one who takes a risk and makes a first move. Often that first move is internal, allowing God to work on our hearts. It is a surrender to love that far surpasses our ability to comprehend it. Only God can effectively remove our bitterroot judgments. And only with our cooperation will He do that.

Eph 4:31-32 (NLT) Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

My Sacrifice

As we are right in the middle of a Resurrection weekend I was thinking of what might be somewhat equivalent in our relational lives to what Christ has done for our spiritual lives.

Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice out of love for us, but what might be an ultimate relationship sacrifice?  

Forgiveness

What a powerful word. Letting go of hurts simply because we can is a sacrifice. Everything inside of me rebels against this concept when I am in pain over a real or perceived offense. And many offenses are not only real, but severe and overwhelming.

I think the hardest times to forgive are when the hurt is ongoing or when the person who has hurt us is not fully acknowledging the offense. This puts us in a tough place. Why would we even want to choose forgiveness in these situations? Why would we want to make this kind of sacrifice?

Primarily, unforgiveness hurts me. It festers inside me like an unhealed wound. It leaks poison and makes me sick. My resentments keep me from feeling at peace.

Secondly, it hurts my relationships. Holding on to offenses may cause me to withhold love, respect or kindness from relationships that I value. Even if the other person is unrepentant I can choose to forgive because it opens the door to restoration. And sometimes that will lead to a softening in the other person that might lead to repentance.

Thirdly, God requires it. To whom much is given, much is required. Do you feel you have been given much? Matthew 6:15, from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, is a powerful admonition:

“But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

I do want to point out a few things, though. Forgiving is not forgetting – it is letting go. Forgiving is not accepting the offender’s behavior as okay – maybe far from it. And forgiving does not require us to move towards reconciliation – especially when it would be unhealthy to do so and open us up to ongoing damage. Some people are just plain unsafe.

I like to say I am taking someone “off my hook” and putting them on God’s – and let Him deal with the person. In doing so I am free.

This Easter weekend perhaps you can examine your relationships and determine if there are places where you need to make the sacrifice of forgiveness.   

Ephesians 4:32. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.