What About Bob? (Neediness)

One of the sadder situations we run into in our counseling practice is when we have a very emotionally needy person. In relationships, this can be one of the greatest liabilities because it often achieves just the opposite of what the person desires. The more the needy person pursues, the farther the pursued person distances from them.  

Why is this?

I would define it as a control struggle. The pursued person often doesn’t feel loved, but rather they feel controlled or used. They become the object of stability for the other person, but that requires that they surrender their independence to a greater extent than they would like. They will likely become resentful and lose respect for the pursuer.   

Where it gets really ugly is when the person being chased turns on the needy person and expresses hostility and disgust. This rejection fuels further control efforts, and the needy person can become even more self-defeating with intensified behaviors. Check out a perfect example: 

Yes, it’s a comedy and extreme, but you can probably feel the tension in the exchange.

The reasons for this neediness probably stem from family of origin or early childhood attachment issues. These early unmet needs are never satisfied easily, and a part of the person remains emotionally immature. The internal craving for love and attention is similar to what an addict feels for his/her drug of choice.

What is the solution here?

The most helpful action is joining a codependency support group like the CODA class at our church or an Al-Anon group. Exploring the causes and grieving the associated losses will do much to bring comfort and understanding. Also, taking your dependency to God instead of your partner, as hard as that may feel at the time, will help you to not push them away and sabotage the relationship.  

What if you are the one being pursued? It is not good to give in to the intense demands of the pursuer, but you can remain kind and offer reassurance. Instead of running away from them you can remain calm and set and keep reasonable boundaries. You also might ask yourself why you attract needy people. It is possible that you also have family of origin issues that could benefit by joining a codependency group.

Personal or couples counseling is also very helpful to deal with this relationship dynamic. The counselor can assist with the setting and keeping of boundaries as well as regulating the emotional exchanges. 

Do you see yourself in either of these roles at times? It is always better to deal with it sooner than later. It will prevent you from experiencing unnecessary pain. 

Saying “I Do or I Don’t”

It is always an anxious moment for a pre-married or pre-engaged client when they ask us this age-old question:

“Should I ask her to marry me?”

I almost never answer this question directly. I don’t believe I should be given this much power in someone else’s life. But what I do is try to lead them through some questions that might help them make a good decision. If we are seeing a couple that is undecided, we often ask them to do a homework assignment from a workbook that guides them through this process. We ask them to take a personal retreat and seek God for an answer.

Confusion over this decision may come when boundaries have been crossed. A relationship may have become too intimate too quickly – especially when sexual boundaries have been discarded. We may feel very close, allowing our heart to rule over our head. Feeling close is not the same as being well-matched. It’s especially easy to ignore important signs when a relationship is relatively new and in the infatuation stage (less than six months or so).

This heart over head, or head over heart question is extremely important to the longevity of a relationship. If out of balance you may be opening up your life to either chaos or coldness, which might not be sustainable. 

Ask yourself these questions: 

• Will he/she make a good parent?
• Can I trust this person completely?
• Will I fit into his/her family system?
• Do we have common goals?
• Is there any hint of abusiveness, physical or emotional?
• Is he/she emotionally mature?
• Are there any addictions that are not healed (drugs, alcohol, spending, sex)?
• Are there any character issues that worry me (lying, angry, irresponsible, needy)?
• Will we be partners, both carrying the weight of the relationship or will one person function more like a dependent child?
• Do we resolve conflict effectively?
• Do we apologize and forgive easily?
• Is he/she possessive, jealous, manipulative or controlling?
• Do I feel safe with this person? 

Intense feelings of love are not sufficient to sustain a lifetime marriage. The right questions have more to do with direction, purpose, respect, integrity and commitment. Those are questions that have to be answered with courage and rigorous honesty. 

A good goodbye is so much better than a painful life.   

If you are married, and struggling with some of these issues, take heart. There is always an opportunity to heal old wounds, build some relationship skills, and change some bad habits. Those things also take courage, honesty and just plain hard work. You may have to lead the process in your relationship. Start with prayer, surrender your heart, and get good counsel.  

Primary Hurts Produce Maladaptive Coping Behaviors

Influenced by a mini seminar that Nan & I took, I have been concentrating on primary hurts and the resulting wounds that drive our fears, which in turn drives our coping mechanisms.

What are you afraid of? Being alone (physically or emotionally)? Being controlled? Losing your identity (sense of self)? Being taken advantage of in relationships? Being unsafe?

All of these fears will determine the kind of behaviors you may adopt in order to cope with life. Unfortunately, many of these protective actions are relationally harmful – and ultimately work against the very things you are trying to achieve.

You may become angry, controlling, hostile, or manipulative – or clingy, needy and self-pitying.  

You may resort to blaming or shaming (yourself or others), withdraw to isolate or pout, surrender to depression, anxiety or addictions such as drinking, drugging, shopping, eating or entertainment.

If you were to trace backwards from these behaviors, you would probably become aware of the primary hurts that you are reacting to.  Did you feel rejected as a child (unheard, unimportant)? Was there abuse or abandonment in your past? Were you shamed or harshly criticized and made to feel inadequate, ugly, stupid – never measuring up to some unreasonable or unknowable standard?

Whatever the wound might be¸ there is usually a coping behavior that resulted (stimulus-response). So what can you do about it?

The first thing is to acknowledge the hurts. You may have to search for them or pray for God to reveal them to you before you have a full inventory. Some of the hurts are obvious, but some might be more subtle. Were there movies or art or music that triggered a feeling that surprised you? Was there ever a release of tears that caught you unaware and didn’t seem to make logical sense? What was happening at that moment? What might you be remembering at a feeling level?

Once the hurts are known you must grieve the losses. You most likely will have already felt the pain of the losses, but you may have not fully accepted them. Accepting the losses means you will give up your expectation of anyone having to make up for the deficits whether they are the source of your pain or someone else (like a mate). It means forgiving, letting go and moving on. I find that it is especially hard when it is unrepentant parents, ex-spouses, siblings and the like who are still around. If you hold reconciliation, repentance, restitution or sometimes even their acknowledgement of your hurt as your goal, you may become stuck.

Lastly, you must invite God into the painful memories and ask Him to comfort you. This can be done alone, but often it helps to do this with a caring friend or perhaps your life group (if you are in a safe one).

Forgiveness as the end product of grief is a spiritual and supernatural process. It is done on faith, with the hope of growth that produces maturity and joy.

Psalm 147:3 (NLT) He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

Fighting About Fighting

Have you ever been in the middle of a fight (or argument) and after awhile forgotten what you were fighting about? I know we have. We've gotten so wrapped up in wanting to be heard that the issue became secondary. And so we really were fighting about the way we were fighting.

This is such a common occurrence that people often end up in counseling precisely for this issue. They cannot even see what is going on and they label it “lack of communication.” And in a sense they are correct in that primary messages are not being acknowledged. But really what is going on is that there is a lack of agreement – and this is what is being labeled a communication problem.

So what can we do about it? 

Have some rules and principles that we adhere to in a conflict.

• Listen first! Make sure that you understand the other person completely. This does not mean that you are giving tacit approval. You do not have to agree. But you do need to hear them out. Then you can acknowledge their point of view and let them know that you do not agree (assuming that you don’t).

• Calm yourself. You may fear that you are losing power by listening, but you are not. Tell yourself that you are just listening and that you will have a turn. Losing your temper will only prolong the problem and escalate the drama.

• Stay on task. Even though the other person might try to take the conversation in multiple directions, stay with the original issue and try to be as brief as possible.   

• Take a break if necessary. But come back to the issue in a timely manner. The goal is to resolve the problem or come to a good compromise (or make peace with it).

• Above all, do not hurt the people you care about. Don’t use language or make statements that you will later regret.

Job 19:2  “How long will you torment me and crush me with words?”

I Can't Believe You Said That!

From Nan to Women:                                    

    Prov. 18:21 “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

            A while back I was sitting in my counseling room, stunned by a woman administering a scathing attack on her normal, reasonably good guy husband. It occurred to me to ask her, “If he said the exact same words to you, what would you do right now?"

            She responded that she would get up and leave him!

Wow! What a self-indictment.Yet she didn’t see it.
  

The truth is that women are more likely than men to speak encouraging words to their spouse. And, they are much more likely to tear them down with their words when they are displeased.

When I talked further to the gal who cursed her husband, she explained that since he didn’t seem to respond to her ‘normal’ requests, she intensified the attack, so that he would 'do something'. And, of course, the thing he did was to shut down more.

Dr. John Gottman, in his famous ‘Love Lab’ research, noticed an interesting thing when he studied husband and wives in conflict. Both were wired up to monitors to track heart rate, perspiration, breathing rate, etc. What he discovered was that in conflict women were most likely to be emotionally expressive – yet their vital signs remained reasonably stable. However the vital signs of their less expressive husbands were freaking out all over the place forcing them into a fight or flight posture. Rather than risk further escalation, many of these men decided to emotionally shut down instead.

So, what can I do if my partner doesn't respond to a question, or need that I have?  I can ask if this is a bad time to talk and ask for a ‘rain check’, or I can kindly repeat the request, and wait for a response. If I still don’t seem to be getting anywhere and feel myself getting angry, I can back off for a moment and self-soothe until I calm down.  If it’s a perpetual problem, we can seek help.

But, speaking for myself when I was a newlywed, I spoke a lot of hurtful words that accomplished nothing. I found that repair work is a lot more painful than good preparation by studying the wisdom contained in God’s word. 

“For man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” James 1:20