Missed It By That Much!

The uphill stretch of road eventually ended and after a short respite began to descend again. My poor old Honda CRV was in it’s element – downhill. In it’s glee to not have to work so hard it forgot about the 55 MPH speed limit and soon attracted a follower – a shiny CHP cruiser.

“Do you know what I clocked you at?” said the cruiser’s driver.

“Um… 65 or 70?” I answered.

“How about 74 MPH.” Gulp.

“Can I see your driver’s license, registration and insurance card, please.”

Its been many years since I heard those words, but I guess its inevitable that you can’t escape forever if you drive as much as I do.

Handing me back my three documents the officer said, “Remember, that other pedal is for braking. Use it on the downhill. Have a nice day.”

What? No expensive ticket? Wow! I don’t know if it was because it was Thanksgiving weekend, or because he felt sorry for us having to drive a 14 year old car or whatever. Or maybe it was the ratty looking bathrobes hanging from the backseat handholds. I didn’t care – we were off the hook. The officer was gracious. And I (and Nan) was filled with gratitude. I fully deserved a ticket. No question about it. 

That’s grace.

In our daily exchanges with people are we this generous? Do we extend grace to others or are we more about justice? In case you need definitions, justice is getting what you deserve, whereas grace is getting what you don’t deserve: a reprieve or pardon.

Particularly with the people closest to us there is a tendency to take offense and want to “even up the score.” How sad that we are often not willing to turn the other cheek. For me the hardest thing to do is keep my mouth closed. Grace is not saying what I want to say. It feels like suffering – and maybe it is in a way.

Can you imagine how much better marriages would be if spouses’ first response would be to offer grace to each other? Kids need structure and correction, but they also need a lot of grace from parents. I can’t tell you how many adults we see suffer from leftover childhood pain, the result of harsh parenting.

Yes, there are limits to grace. We must hold boundaries as well – and speak the truth when needed. But grace might be speaking the truth without harshness or anger. It might be surrendering our “right” to retaliate. Or grace might be speaking up for someone that has a “weak voice” and struggles to be heard, not requiring them to suffer through a tough exchange with someone.   

When have you been on the receiving end of grace? Where have you been a grace giver? Is your sense of justice so strong that this is one of those areas where you need to improve dramatically? If so, draw your strength from the ultimate Giver of grace. 

When Is A Question Not A Question?

Mother to child: “Why did you shove a marble up your nose?”

Boss to employee: “Why are you late?”

Husband to wife: “Why are you always trying to make me mad?”

Wife to husband: “Why are you so insensitive?”

How many times have you heard a similar question and thought to yourself

“Are they really expecting an intelligent answer?”

 The truth is that these are not really questions – they are indirect accusations.

In the counseling room we do our best to try to keep couples from communicating in this way. The “why” questions invariably leads to predictable attack and defend exchanges. It might be considered a passive-aggressive way of blaming. Why do I say passive-aggressive? Because when challenged, the inquisitor can come back with the retort “I was only asking a simple question.” Sure bet.

This habit of asking “why” is so ingrained in most people that it is difficult to change, but it is so destructive to good communication that it is worth the effort to work on minimizing its use. I had one wife tell me (in front of her husband) “If I drop the word “why” from my vocabulary I won’t know how to start a conversation with him.”

What is the solution here?

• Be direct. Express your feelings directly in a non-blaming manner.

  “I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday?” as opposed to “Why did you forget my birthday?”

“Would you close the front door, please,” rather than “Why didn’t you close the front door?”

  

• Ask for what you need.

 “I need you to be more aware of the clock and show up on time for work.”

 Amazingly, some people don’t always fully understand what you want unless you spell it out for them.

• Teach (children, not spouses).

 “That marble was hard to remove and probably felt really uncomfortable. It’s good to remember that the next time an idea like that pops in your head.”

I would challenge you to really think about this and see if you can go a whole week without asking the question “why” (in this relational context). I know that it can be really frustrating in the moment when you are upset, but surrendering your right to act offensively will yield better results in the long run. When the goal is spiritual maturity, the path may be more difficult, but the benefits outweigh the cost. 

 Eph. 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. 

I Can't Believe You Said That!

From Nan to Women:                                    

    Prov. 18:21 “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

            A while back I was sitting in my counseling room, stunned by a woman administering a scathing attack on her normal, reasonably good guy husband. It occurred to me to ask her, “If he said the exact same words to you, what would you do right now?"

            She responded that she would get up and leave him!

Wow! What a self-indictment.Yet she didn’t see it.
  

The truth is that women are more likely than men to speak encouraging words to their spouse. And, they are much more likely to tear them down with their words when they are displeased.

When I talked further to the gal who cursed her husband, she explained that since he didn’t seem to respond to her ‘normal’ requests, she intensified the attack, so that he would 'do something'. And, of course, the thing he did was to shut down more.

Dr. John Gottman, in his famous ‘Love Lab’ research, noticed an interesting thing when he studied husband and wives in conflict. Both were wired up to monitors to track heart rate, perspiration, breathing rate, etc. What he discovered was that in conflict women were most likely to be emotionally expressive – yet their vital signs remained reasonably stable. However the vital signs of their less expressive husbands were freaking out all over the place forcing them into a fight or flight posture. Rather than risk further escalation, many of these men decided to emotionally shut down instead.

So, what can I do if my partner doesn't respond to a question, or need that I have?  I can ask if this is a bad time to talk and ask for a ‘rain check’, or I can kindly repeat the request, and wait for a response. If I still don’t seem to be getting anywhere and feel myself getting angry, I can back off for a moment and self-soothe until I calm down.  If it’s a perpetual problem, we can seek help.

But, speaking for myself when I was a newlywed, I spoke a lot of hurtful words that accomplished nothing. I found that repair work is a lot more painful than good preparation by studying the wisdom contained in God’s word. 

“For man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” James 1:20