It was five o’clock at
the Martin house. All of a sudden Mrs. Martin noticed the time.
“Quick, kids. Your dad
will be home soon. We have to pick everything up - now.”
The urgency in her voice
was unmistakable. If the house didn’t look near perfect when her husband got
home she knew they would likely have a bad evening.
This is just one example
of an unsafe home. Over the years I have heard many tragic stories of how the
atmosphere at home was anything but welcoming and warm. Sometimes the home was
downright dangerous.
What makes a home safe?
Acceptance
Peacefulness and calmness
Predictable positive
routines
Reasonable standards of
cleanliness and tidiness
Patience with each other,
even when we are frustrated
What makes a home unsafe?
Violence – physical or
emotional
Yelling, screaming,
blaming or guilt-producing language
Addictions – alcohol,
drugs, hoarding. These behaviors usually produce chaos
Unrealistic expectations
of performance
I find that the root cause
in many of my clients dealing with anxiety can be traced to the environment of
the home in which they grew up. Critical, violent, unpredictable or anxious
parents create anxious kids, who become anxious adults. Often these behaviors
are passed down generation to generation with disastrous consequences.
What can you do?
If you are an adult living
in an unsafe home you must confront it, probably not by yourself. It takes a
lot of effort to break old patterns and make significant positive changes.
Depending on the situation the resistance may be intense.
If you are the cause of
the problem, breaking denial is the first step. You will most likely have to
confront the hurts of your past. You will need to examine maladaptive behaviors
(coping mechanisms) that are a part of your current life. You may need to deal
with entrenched addictions.
What are the benefits?
Emotional health for you
and your family
A safe haven from the
troubled world
Growth towards spiritual
wholeness, and obedience to God
Do you relate? Please
comment on your current or past situation.
Yes, I can relate. I'm trying to create my adult home to be a place of rest and peace. I didn't always have that growing up. There was a lot of tension about keeping thing neat and organized and not making my mom mad. I was constantly concerned about that. I want my place to be a home where people can feel welcome to be themselves but I also want to be able to set boundaries with my own space so that I can either let people in or decide that I want the place to myself. Home as a safe haven is huge. This year has been about creating a home like that for me. I'm not done yet, but it's coming along slowly.
ReplyDelete