Stress and Anxiety

I tend to write fairly often about the subjects of stress and anxiety. Why? Statistics show that about 40 million people or 18% of the adult population of the US are affected by this disorder each year.  That would make it the #1 issue facing the mental health community.  

How is stress different from anxiety?

Stress is your response to a change in your environment, be it positive or negative. Anxiety is an emotion that’s characterized by a feeling of apprehension, nervousness, or fear.  Acute anxiety is temporary, like a roller coaster ride, and can be positive, whereas chronic anxiety is pervasive and long term and likely to cause very negative results.

Chronic stress is long-term stress, such as that caused by traumatic events or miserable living conditions. Untreated chronic stress can contribute to major depressive disorder, a form of intense depression that lasts for long periods and can prevent someone from living a normal life. Chronic stress also can contribute to physical illnesses, including high blood pressure, heart disease, depression, and obesity.

Money, work, and the economy continues to be the most cited (75%) causes of stress for Americans.

I see stress separate from distress. Whenever I visit a brand new place, particularly when it is very unfamiliar, I tend to feel stress. But I am not distressed, just excited. Distress comes when I cannot maintain a degree of control in the new environment.

Here are some truths about stress and some myth-busters.

• Stress does not cause your hair to turn grey.
• Cuddling your pet, significant other, child or listening to music lowers your stress. 
• Stress does not cause ulcers, it just makes them worse. 
• There is no link between stress and infertility. 
• According to the American Cancer Society, no definite link between stress and cancer has been found. 
• Stress can cause erectile dysfunction and loss of libido. 
• Women are twice as likely as men to be affected by generalized anxiety disorder. 
• Daily exercise greatly helps to reduce the effects of stress. 
• Anger or hostility releases stress hormones into the blood and can cause heart problems. 
• Smoking cigarettes does not reduce stress. 

Focusing on the positive (gratitude), speaking soothing words to yourself, praying and practicing deep breathing can be very helpful. The combination of medications and psychotherapy is highly effective with anxiety issues. 70-90% of people experience an improvement.  

Learn to set realistic goals for yourself at home and at work, and have good boundaries with people. If it is hard for you to say “no”, then you need to enlist some help. Prepare for change as far in advance as you can, and lower your expectations. You will likely lead a much calmer life.

Your First Time at Bat

Having been in the counseling room for quite a while now, I sometimes forget how awkward the first encounter with a new therapist must feel to a client. I really do my best to put them at ease, but it’s still usually an adjustment.

I think what often makes the first meeting particularly uncomfortable is when the client is carrying a lot of shame and doesn’t want to talk about it directly. That is really understandable. They may be testing the water for safety. “Can I trust this counselor person? Will he understand me? Will she judge me? Is it really going to help?”

Forming a trust bond is the first important step of good counseling. The clinical term for this bond is the “therapeutic alliance”.  Without a strong therapeutic alliance, no real transparency is likely to occur. And without transparency, any healing will be superficial. 

It’s hard to talk honestly about our failures, frustrations, fears, insecurities, and especially our outright deliberate sins. Most people have spent a lot of their life pursuing “image management.” I know I have. As a matter of fact I probably spent the first several of my own personal counseling sessions trying to look better than I was. It wasn’t until I felt genuine care from my counselor and knew that I was safe, that I could become more vulnerable. But image management can also be a form of denial or deliberate deceit that needs to be broken – especially important with couples counseling.    

I have noticed that for some, it is easier to write about the hard stuff. That is why we use a pretty comprehensive history and intake form. Their outward appearance may not match the pain that is revealed in their intake form or their personal journals. I encourage clients to bring their written thoughts into session when this is the case for them. There is a lot of power released or surrendered in reading one’s private thoughts in front of another person.

As a counselor, I am grateful for the trust that is placed in me and do not take it for granted. For some people it is the first time that they have shared deep wounds, long buried and frightening in intensity. Although often painful to hear, it is an honor to be able to take the journey with a client for the first time. I am proud of them and the courage that it takes to be truthful in sharing the unlovely or horrific.

As we get closer to a new year, I pray for all the people that will step forward and make that first call next year. For some it will be dealing with hurts from the past. For others it will be admitting powerlessness over an addiction or behavior. And for many it will be marital or other relationship issues, both positive (pre-married counseling) or troublesome. 

Regardless, I am hoping that our clients current and future will see Christ as the true healer, and not us. We are simply facilitators – imperfect co-workers in the business of wholeness. 

Pine Needles and Excuses

From a distance, everything looked serene, like one of those magazine covers that make you wonder why you live in the city (maybe you don’t, so empathize with me). It wasn’t until closer inspection that I could see hundreds of thousand of pine needles building up on the landscape. Pine needles, dry and flammable – and this during an extreme fire warning with wildfires close by. What a great metaphor for our lives.

If you look at the picture above, what you probably don’t see is the extra inches I am carrying around the belly-button. (Okay, maybe some of you can.) And you can’t hear that my breathing is a little too labored. That takes examination much closer up.

A good friend of mine, Dr. Bill Dyment generously sent me a copy of his new book that he co-wrote with Dr. Marcus Dayhoff entitled “Fire Your Excuses”  It only took a couple of chapters to realize that this book could change a person’s life. I immediately recognized all the excuses from listening to clients in the counseling room. Unfortunately, I also acknowledged many of them from my own life and how they produce feelings of shame. Consider this book an invitation to take a close up look at your life.

Do you have a ready list of excuses that you pull out regularly?

As a kid, I hated doing yard work. I was somewhat overweight, unmotivated, and it was a power struggle between me and my dad. So when I looked at the acres of pine needles I needed a breakthrough. Using some tips from the book I approached the task.

• I first had to adjust my way of thinking. I was thinking negatively, and I realized it was an emotional component left over from my childhood. Once into the raking, I actually enjoyed it. Dealing with a past hurt or struggle might be your first step. 

• I couldn’t finish it all in the time allotted, so I tackled what I thought was the most important first, not just the most noticeable. That turned out to be the stuff closest to structures. What is the most significant area of your life that needs attention right now? 

• I set goals and stuck to them. I didn’t allow myself to be distracted. I didn’t overdo it, so I wouldn’t get discouraged. You might need to have a coach to help you set realistic goals, and a team to push you when you want to quit. 

Is this what the book is about? Well, actually it’s just a little corner of it. It’s about dealing with all the areas of life where we are likely to make excuses: blind spots, health, finances, time management, career, social connections, serving, and communication. So many of these areas are hard to face alone, but not facing them is like leaving those pine needles to build up until disaster finally comes and the loss is terrible. There is even a free assessment online to help you get started at FireYourExcuses.com.  

Mind Clutter

I came across this passage in “Here and Now” by Henri Nouwen (yes, I am temporarily addicted to Nouwen).

“Whether we ask for it or not… we simply cannot go far without being engulfed by words and images forcibly intruding themselves into our minds. But do we really want our mind to become the garbage can of the world? Do we want our mind to be filled with things that confuse us, excite us, depress us, arouse us, repulse us or attract us whether we think it is good for us or not?

That leaves me considering what power I have over those things. Certainly I cannot avoid the world. But I do have a certain amount of control over my world. All my electronic devices have off as well as on buttons. (Some of you are saying to yourself “I never knew that.”)

I have noticed that the unrestrained input of news on a daily basis tends to make me depressed and cynical. It is also quite addictive. I often find myself punching buttons on the car radio out of habit, even when it is turned off! When I reach this stage I know that it is time for a fast from news media and talk radio, etc.

How about the other media in our lives: movies, television, books, music, etc? Do we choose wisely or do we feed ourselves things that are of questionable worth – or that compromises our values? Do we hide some of those things from a spouse or friends? Do we have the willpower to discontinue reading or viewing something when we find it objectionable? Have you ever walked out on a movie for that reason?

Do you intentionally feed your mind good things? I try to always have at least a couple of really good books nearby. I don’t want to make it hard on myself to make positive choices. I am always tempted to snack on junk food for the mind.

Do you have a belief that everything is worth knowing? Or are you afraid off missing out on something important? Does this lead you to collect massive amounts of mind clutter? Once something is stored, it may become difficult or even impossible to discard. Think of violent or pornographic images both visual and written.

Perhaps we need to hit a reset button on some of our acquired habits and rethink what we want to allow into our head and heart.

Philippians 4:8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.