6 Signs That You Are Ready For Marriage

 

After having taught 50 premarried classes, and counseled umpteen couples, Nan and I have learned a few things about relationships and what makes them work. We could add a lot more to this list of course, but these ones came to mind quickly.

1. You are a great listener

Listening intently communicates that you are interested in what the person is saying, that you are attuned to them. What they are talking about may not seem as important to you, but they are important to you, so you give them your full attention.

2. You have learned how to share.

We all learned the importance of sharing in kindergarten. As adults we may have to learn it all over again. What do we need to share in a marriage? Our time, our resources, our more vulnerable self. Sharing builds unity, the “us-ness” in a relationship.

3. You are good at regulating your emotions.

Managing emotions well is a sign of maturity. When we are able to express our feelings without over or under reacting we will create the environment where conflicts have the potential to be resolved well. This may not have been modeled in our families as we grew up and may take some re-learning how to effectively manage our emotional triggers.

4. You have learned how to forgive.

In a relationship there will always be times when we mess up. The ability to forgive one another is essential to maintaining connection. We also need to appropriately forgive ourselves. Unforgiveness keeps us stuck with grudges and resentments and relational brokenness and usually grows with time. Forgiveness is not ignoring hurts, but entering into a process where the wounds can be resolved.

5. You have reasonable expectations for yourself and your partner.

Reasonable expectations allow for growth and harmony in a relationship. Unexpressed and unreasonably high expectations of each other lead to misunderstandings and unnecessary conflicts. Expectations need to be expressed, negotiated and agreed upon. This can prevent either partner from having to “walk on eggshells”.

6. You DON’T have unprocessed trauma, significant debt, or unaddressed addictions.

Any one of these things are potential disasters waiting in the wings. It would be naive to think that they will not be a problem sometime in the relationship. These things can be a source of shame, and therefore the tendency might be to keep them hidden in hopes they will sort themselves out over time. But often they just become a bigger obstacle. It takes courage to face them, but what a relief it is to be free of the hold they can have.

We know it takes determination and courage to grow in all of these areas. You may need to delay moving forward in a relationship until there is significant change in you or your partner. But we can attest to the benefit of dealing with issues before you say “I do”.

FLIP IT!

 

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Nan and I have been drilling down on a relational bad habit that is so prevalent, yet often goes unnoticed. And that is the tendency to ask for things we want in negative terms. We tell someone what we don’t like or want instead of asking for what it is that we do want. Our solution: flip it.

A prime example would be the way that parents may talk to their offspring.

“Don’t leave your shoes and socks in the middle of the living room!”

That’s negative and so familiar. If we flip it:

“I like it when you put your shoes and socks away. Could you please do that now?”

Think about the way you communicate your needs and desires. Do you find that you have this bad habit of always pointing out things in a critical or negative way or do you generally use a more positive approach? I can tell you that I have struggled to change the way I communicate, but it always pays off in relationship dividends. The needed intervention here is taking a pause before speaking. Of course that is just what the Bible advises us to do in James 1:19 (be slow to speak).

In working with couples we have discovered how hard it is to get some to make this shift. We have a lot of grace for them because the habit has been so embedded for so long it feels unnatural to make the change. But we can see the difference when couples have mastered the ability to speak in positives. We simply say to them “Can you flip it?” There’s usually that pause I mentioned above and then a valiant attempt. Sometimes we have to suggest what the flip would look like.

But Can I Do That?

I see the core motivation to change as what Dallas Willard called the “renovation of the heart”. Luke 6:45b says, “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” I am not saying that our hearts are evil because we do not speak in positive language, but I am suggesting that a goodhearted person will see the benefit practically, spiritually and relationally.

One of the fruits of the Spirit mentioned in Galatians 5:22 is kindness, which I think is a superpower in relationships. And I believe making this change is an expression of kindness. Shifting this way of communicating could be the secret sauce in transforming a difficult exchange into a productive one.

Hopefully you are on board. Just flip it!

2 Things My Counselor Would Have Done Differently

 

Some time after my counseling with my therapist David Gatewood ended, we moved into a season of friendship and mentoring. I remember spending a day with him when he was participating in a radio program. On the way to the studio I asked him what he would do differently after having founded the counseling center and trained so many therapists.

He had two main points that he shared with me. To me they were somewhat surprising, but I took them as sage advice. At this point in my life I was definitely in a student mindset, not realizing I would become a care provider in the future.

So what would David would have changed?

1. He would not let his clients take their identity from their pathology.

We are first children of God, made in His image. I have struggles. Perhaps you have struggles. We are not our depression or anxiety or whatever. He said labeling will fix our identity in the wrong thing. It may seem like a subtle difference, but when I say I struggle with depression vs. I am depressed, I am expressing the process I am in to reach a healthier state. He said that labeling keeps our eyes fixed on what may feel shameful rather than on Christ who has the power to deliver us from all of our afflictions.

2. He would not allow most of his clients to stay in therapy as long.

This point is somewhat related to the above point. The longer we stay in counseling, the more likely we are to over identify with our pathology. He said he had shifted his thinking toward hope-focused language. He believed it would move clients along quicker. One thing he did with me which made all the difference was describing the person he saw I was designed to be, and was becoming. It was like painting a picture of a house that was being built that I was going to move into when I was ready. We did not primarily focus on the broken down shack that I was living in that was constructed of the inferior materials contributed by my family and me. Rather, he was telling me about the dwelling place that God intended for me to occupy.

What gets in the way?

Although confrontation is a necessary skill for counseling in many situations, it’s usually unpleasant –and most counselors (and pastors) tend to be people pleasers. Pleaser personalities can be viewed as having either a positive or negative effect. They can be peacemakers, but they can also tend to avoid hard confrontations. I believe it might be one of the reasons that therapy stretches on so long in some cases.

Another reason may be that the goal of the client might be to feel better, but not to get better and an unhealthy dependency has formed with their counselor. This is not always the case, however. Sometimes there is a legitimate need to have lengthy support, especially during long term crises situations. One client I had was dying of cancer and we stayed connected until the end.

Good therapy is informed by science, but it is an art form. There are many effective approaches, different counseling styles, and various therapeutic interventions. But all research agrees that a strong relationship between the counselor and the client is a core and essential requirement. David has been gone now for a couple of decades, but I’m forever grateful that I had that with him.

Setting SMART Goals

Since this is near the beginning of a new year I thought I would share an acronym we learned in a staff meeting recently. It is an easy way to remember effective goal setting.

S.M.A.R.T – and we all want to be considered smart.

According to our pastor Tom, when it comes to a goal you are wanting to achieve is it:

• Strategic -- (Does this goal clearly connect with what God has assigned me to do?)

• Measurable -- (Does this goal have a number attached to it?)

• Actionable -- (Does this goal have a clear action I must take?)

• Realistic -- (Is this goal grounded in reality?)

• Timed -- (Does this goal have a clear deadline?) 

Which one of these points is hardest for you?

I don’t know about you, but the hardest step for me is the last. Even the thought of having to set a hard deadline on a goal gives me a measure of anxiety. I can become a master of excuses in order to avoid having to exercise the required amount of self-discipline to meet the target date. I was painfully aware of this as I walked around the outside of our house with a contractor this morning. I had set a date to have some work done to our house by the end of last year. But here it is January and I am just getting started. And the truth is, I can come up with no good excuse.

If my goal is good (and in my case it is) I remind myself that giving up is not an option. Healthy self-reflection and a measure of grace helps me to process and reset my missed deadline. Instead of shaming myself, I encourage myself to positive action.

Is being realistic hard for you? Do you tend to overestimate your capabilities or resources? Unrealistic goals produce frustration and discouragement. You can begin to doubt yourself and others may lose trust for you as well if you are frequently falling short. It is usually smart to under-promise and over-deliver.

It’s easy to imagine this concept being applied to career or work goals, but how about to relational goals? Is there a growth goal that you have been thinking about that would produce a closer or healthier relationship? Or have you developed bad habits with people that you would want, or need to change? Can you articulate a relationship goal that encompasses this whole concept in one or two sentences?

For example: “Since God wants me to be patient and kind (strategic), I will completely eliminate my angry outbursts (measurable) by physically withdrawing from conflicts (actionable) so that my family can look forward to a peaceful vacation this summer (realistic and timed).”

Why don’t you give it a try in some area of your life and see what you can come up with. 

Am I An Emotional Infant?

All week I have been using a self assessment of emotional and spiritual maturity from Pete Scazerro as a way to start the new year. Our pastor Mark reminded us, as he usually does at the beginning of each year, that our goal each year is to grow – that remaining the same year to year is a kind of tragedy.

What is our goal for clients at The Relationship Center?

I think Scazerro sums it up pretty well in his description of an Emotional Adult:

Emotional adults. I can respect and love others without having to change them or becoming critical and judgmental. I don’t expect anyone to be perfect in meeting my relational needs, whether it be my spouse, parents, friends, boss, or pastor. I love and appreciate people for who they are as whole individuals, the good and the bad, and not for what they can give me or how they behave. I take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, goals, and actions. When under stress, I don’t fall into a victim mentality or a blame game. I can state my own beliefs and values to those who disagree with me—without becoming adversarial. I am able to accurately self-assess my limits, strengths, and weaknesses and freely discuss them with others. Deeply in tune with my own emotions and feelings, I can move into the emotional worlds of others, meeting them at the place of their feelings, needs, and concerns. I am deeply convinced that I am absolutely loved by Christ, that I have nothing to prove.

For some, you may be thinking: “That describes me to a ‘T’.” But for others, you might say to yourself: “I have a long way to go.”

The self-assessment measures six areas and rates them according to four maturity levels:  Emotional Infant, Child, Adolescent and Adult.

I would love to tell you that I hit top tier on all six areas, but I didn’t. Did this depress me? I guess a little. But it also gave me a challenge and a hope. I still had room to grow, even at 63.  What are the components that will help me reach a higher level of maturity?

• Self-discipline. I can be the master of my own emotions and actions. I can delay gratification and manage my appetites. 

• Appropriate transparency. I filter my words so that I share with discernment. Everybody does not need to know everything about me. I can express myself without having to force myself upon others. 

• Empathy. I have developed the skill of seeing situations from another person’s perspective and can express care for them. 

• Listening. I listen twice as much as I talk. 

• Appropriate self-sacrifice. I can yield to others needs when necessary. This is not martyrdom or masochistic, but thoughtfully measured and kindly offered.

For those who are interested, the assessment is available online at: http://restoringthesoul.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/Emotional-and-Spiritual-Health-Inventory.pdf

It might be helpful to keep this link or download the assessment and take it now and a year from now. You can pinpoint growth areas and then measure your success.